"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
~One Of My Favourite Authors
This one's for you, JLA.
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A few minutes of silence prevails between us. I suddenly remembered listening to a song where the artist speaks about silence that was so loud. Admittedly, when I first heard it I was thinking what the eff?, but now I get it. I totes get it.
The silence was so loud it hurt my ears and made me want to break it. So I asked the first thing that came to my mind.
"And what would you do?" I asked.
Would you do it differently, I wanted to ask. Would you chose yourself over the ones you love, I wanted to know.
But I couldn't. I don't know why. I couldn't ask him...because if he said that he wouldn't choose his happiness over another's, I would fall deeper into the spell he was weaving around me. I was caught. So hopelessly caught in him.
Two beats of silence later he said, "You should probably sleep."
He didn't give me an answer, which technically was an answer in itself. He would not do it any differently. He would choose the person he loved...just like me.
The was it. We were doomed. We were doomed from the beginning and we'd be doomed till the end.
There's no way I'd keep the phone now.
"Tell me what your hobby is." I demand.
I shouldn't want to know. I shouldn't be asking him this. He should be having quiet, intimate conversations with the rain splattering in the background, with his fiancé to be. Not with me. We don't want there to be an us. We shouldn't want to know about each other. I should keep the phone. I should tell him that I didn't mean to ask that and that I was tired.
But I wasn't tired. And I wanted to know.
He was my fire and I was a month drawn to him.
He doesn't say anything and I know to wait.
"Tell me." I insist again.
"Tell me why you fear the thunder," he asked.
My throat clogged and I squeezed my eyes closed.
I couldn't do it.
Neither of us said anything. I think we both knew we weren't ready to truth each other with too much of ourselves.
I hear him breathe and I know he can hear me breathe. For now...that's enough for me.
And maybe for him too?
I can hear my heart beating hard against my chest. It blocks out everything else. I try to even my breathing out so that I can concentrate but nothing I do helps.
"Tell me something about Vamps that I don't know. I should warn you though, if you tell me something like you can grow wings at night and fly, I'd believe you because I know don't know jack about you guys." I say.
"We drink blood for nutrition because our body has forgotten how to break down the glucose it gets from food we consume and spread it around the body by dissolving it into the blood," he said like I would say the earth revolves around the sun.
Oh.
"It's why we drink, and prefer, blood directly from a source rather than going canned." he said.
He said the word canned like I would say capsicum. Or studying.
"Ha. So you can basically eat all the food you want and not put on an once of weight?" I asked.
"Nor do we absorb an ounce of nutrition from it." he reasoned, like somehow that outweighed the whole not putting on weight thing.
"No wonder you guys are so..." I searched for the right word since I couldn't say model-perfect.
"So...?" he prompted.
"Fit," I finished.
"Somehow, I feel like you were going to say something else," he said, the humour evident in your voice.
"Oh, don't flatter yourself." I said, a smile lighting up my face at the thought of a smile on his.
He snorted and said, "God forbid I ever do."
"Aren't you sleepy?" I asked, finally realizing that the thunder had died down to rolling rumbles.
"I slept well enough last night," he said.
Way to sour my mood.
"Let's not forget the make-out session," I grumbled.
"Kiera," he sighed.
"Forget I said anything." I said, looking down and picking at the covers.
Silence again.
"Sleep Kiera, you're tired." he said.
I nodded before realizing that he couldn't see me.
"Okay." I said.
Before either of us cut the call, I spoke up.
"Thank you...for tonight."
By which I meant, if I'm shit scared again and don't want to stay alone, can I come over and annoy you?
"No problem." he said.
But all I heard was a resounding No.
He didn't hear the question that I hadn't asked. Or he had heard it and he chose to ignore it. I preferred the former. I guess I was used to him understanding everything I say even when I don't say it.
I didn't say anything, because there was nothing to say. So I cut the call. When I put the ear plugs in and fell back against the pillows, my heart was heavy and I felt bitter.
Why was I so upset?
I had no right.
Yeah well, try telling that to my heart.
--
--
When morning crept by, I had gotten, maybe, an hour of rest. I couldn't stop thinking about what an idiot I was. How do I keep embarassing myself like this? He doesn't do shit like this. Why do I have to be the one that gives in and tells him stuff? He doesn't reveal anything to me. I hate this.
I rubbed my eyes. No sleep, no food and extreme idiotism feels like this then. But I wasn't that girl who's going to sit around and mope.
Nah. I'll go walk around and mope. I knew it was too early for anyone to be up, so I creeped out of my room, tip toed out of the house, feeling like Harriet the Spy.
The wind bit and lashed against my hair and skin, but I didn't care, because it felt good. I jumped off the black rocks and landed onto the sand with a flourish.
Too bad no was around to see.
Why is it that when I do awesome stuff there's not a bird in sight, but when I do the most ridiculous, embarrassing things practically everybody I know is watching and laughing?
I walked along the shore, barefoot, with the wind whipping through my hair and the soft waves lapping at my feet.
Goosebumps spread along my legs against the chilly wind, but I didn't mind it so much, I just kept walking, increasing the distance between me and the Sea House. With every step I took away from the house, the clearer my vision became (metaphorically of course) and the more I wanted to slap myself again again against a wall.
Why was it that the my loss of common sense was indirectly proportional to the distance between Kiel and me?
I shook my head while I reviewed the last few hours. I'd told him so much. I'd revealed how angry I'd gotten when he'd kissed Katie, but he hadn't even told me why he'd gotten pissed of at me that day. No, instead, he'd distracted me and I'd fallen for it, hook line and sinker.
Was I that big of a pushover?
How did he know so much about me anyway? The stuff he said on the phone, even Gin didn't know. Sure she may have an idea because she knows about my past, but no she'd never really connected the dots. No one had.
Glinda didn't even know about me being scared about thunder. The thing about me liking flying... she probably forgot about. She has enough in her life going on without me being an add-on burden.
My phone vibrated in my pocket, but I ignored it. I didn't need the distraction right now.
How had he seen so much?
It really bothered me, but right now there was nothing I could do about it. I knew a lot about him as well, so I didn't exactly feel like I was at a loss.
But I felt like a needle on a weighing scale, flipping left to right as people got on and off me at their will.
I wanted to be with him, but I wouldn't. I wanted him to want to be with me, but it was pointless. I didn't want to give him anymore of me without him giving me something of him. I didn't want to be at a disadvantage when it came to him. I can't be weaker.
I couldn't be weak when it came to him.
I squeezed my eyes.
God, I was so confused. I want and I don't want and I want him. And my thoughts flung about coinciding with that.
"Are you running away?" a voice asked from behind me.
I turned and threw him a look.
"Would I be walking away if I were running away?" I ask with a raised eyebrow.
He shrugs, "God knows what anything means nowadays."
I snorted.
"Let's head back," he said, jerking his head the way he came.
"Will and Gina are sort of freaking out."
I nodded.
I fell in step with him and walked silently for sometime, because well it was comfortable-ish and I wasn't close enough to yap away to him and expect the poor guy to listen.
"He went the other way looking for you, while Gina and William are looking around in the house." Jet said.
I nodded. He here probably meant Kiel.
"Why are they checking inside closets and under the beds?" Jet asked.
"Because I like warm, dark places." I said, grinning.
"Like a cockroach?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.
I threw him my best crazy smile and said, "Like a snake."
He let out a short laugh and shook his head.
"I can actually imagine you as a snake," he admitted.
"Is it because of my height?" I threw him a say-yes-and-you-die look.
"No, because of your tongue. You'd slice a few of us in half if you thought we were hurting someone you love."
What was this? Let's psychoanalyze Kiera day? Kill me now.
"I also spit poison so you might want to be careful."
"More like spit sarcasm," Jet corrected.
Is that better? Probably.
"I could also kill you with kindness, mind you." I said.
He laughed. "Yeah I've seen the way you are with Katie."
"Escuuuse me, I haven't-I don't-I'm not-" I spluttered.
"You have, you do and you are," he said.
"I liked you better when you were quiet." I grumbled.
He laughed and mussed my hair (when we become hair-mussing-friends?) while I threw him a scowl. I tried to set my hair in order as I came closer to the house.
I looked up and directly met Kiel's eyes. He was standing on top of the rocks with his arms crossed and his black cape fluttered behind him. His hair was messy, like he'd ran his hands though it many times. It was also really long, getting flung into his eyes because of the air that whipped them about.
When we stopped in front of him, I met his blazing violet eyes. I didn't understand the emotion behind it as he waited for Jet and me to join him.
When we were on the rocks, the three of us headed towards the house (mansion thing). Jet entered the house first and I was going to follow, but a hand to my arm stopped me.
I turned to look at Kiel.
He didn't say anything, but I understood what he wanted to know.
Was I okay?
"Peachy," I said and followed Jet in.
--
--
I was pacing a hole in the carpet wondering what the hell was going on with Kiel. He was quiet. Like really quiet. He didn't speak at all during breakfast. He just sat there and stared at the wall over our heads. A few of us tried to draw him into a conversation but he just looked through us.
I was an idiot. Such an idiot. But I was worried. Was it because of me? I didn't want him to think he upset me and sent me running, because I didn't go running. I went walking. To clear my head. Because my head needed clearing.
I didn't owe him any answers. I didn't effing owe him anything. He didn't owe me answers. That wouldn't stop me from asking though.
I was ready to pull out strands of my hair.
I never understood why Gin would go crazy over some guy. She would cry heaps and buckets over some stupid trivial fight she had with him and all I can think was what the shemurr? because I've never understood how it feels.
I'll tell you how it feels.
It feels like this.
Like I'm teetering and going to fall. I want to fall. I know I will get hurt. I know I will break.
But. I. Still. Want. To. Fall.
And its driving me out of my effing mind.
Smurf this.
I racked my brain and found what I was looking for. I murmured an incantation and gold mist smothered the wall I was standing directly in front of. Sighing and wiping the sweat from my brow at the surprising effort it took to create a damn door.
I took a deep breath and opened it. I stepped in and opened my mouth to call his name.
I froze when I realized what I was looking at.
Kiel. In a towel.
In his bathroom.
Oh shit.
I'd created a door not into his room but into his bathroom.
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This part of the story somehow took the longest to write. Somewhere in the middle I was really really confused and unusually annoyed and frustrated. I didn't understand why, before I realised that's how it was supposed to be. I was (dorkily) sort of feeling what Kiera was. It helped me write the chapter. I'm not sure if that made sense, but I do hope you liked that.