"But they will not, shall not, cannot destroy you."
The next morning, I was reluctant to attend the Calculus class. I stayed up all night thinking, obsessing about him. He was my torment. His smallest graze over my face made me burn from inside out. That is not a reaction one should have from an accidental touch or was it intentional? I don't know anymore. It scares me to even think about what will happen if I stopped restraining my thoughts? I wouldn't be able to recover from him. He will be my end and then people could very easily say "like mother, like daughter".
What happened yesterday was something that will remain with me forever. I will revisit that moment again and again. It's not like I could help it. I couldn't get the feel of his fingers grazing my cheeks out of my mind and soul even if I wanted to. His touch will remain with me and I don't know for how long. And when I'll forget, I know I will crave for more. I have always been like this. Everything I felt was so extreme. Hate. Love. Anger. Envy. Sadness. It's either nothing at all or everything at once.
I loved my mother but I hated her just as much. The anger and envy I felt when I see Mr. Maddox staring at Addison is unbearable sometimes or when my own father favours Isabella over me every time, both left me wondering if I was reacting just like my mother. I saw Mr. Maddox's horrified expression and I immediately knew he regretted even touching me even though it was just a graze of his callous fingers. He felt disgusted after touching me and I don't want to go through that ever again, the feeling of not being good enough, yet again, the cycle of self-deprecation. It's a constant battle in my head to reassure myself that I'm enough. I deserve better than this but my heart doesn't want to listen sometimes.
The thought of those hands touching every part of my body was what kept me awake last night despite trying my best to distract myself. All I had were thoughts revolving around him. My mind is the only place where I could be candid with myself and the desires of my body in the company of the night. I feel emotions differently and that's why I cannot stop my obsession with him. Is it a crime to admire someone from afar? If it is then I'm a criminal.
I entered his class and immediately made my way to one of the backbenches, the one that was closest to the windows for the first time in my life. I cannot look at him because if I did I know I'll be lost in those viridescent eyes. The same eyes that reflect with so many secrets I want to desperately know. The only thing that keeps people close together is their secrets and I want to feel like him and I share one skin, one body, two souls.
His masculine brumous voice echoed in the classroom and I kept my head low. After yesterday, I was feeling such an intense urge to be with him, even if it meant that I can just feel his presence beside me. For the second time in a week, the class felt like a drag and I want it to be over already. I tried to pay attention though, even if I failed miserably.
After forty minutes and fifty-two seconds later, the bell rang and the class was dismissed. But his voice stopped me and my heart began its erratic beating again. A quick glimpse at Addison and I knew this was not what she expected. Once upon a time, she was the one who used to get stopped by him or she would stay back after class after finding some excuse. She used to be the last one to leave the class but not anymore, always intentionally. The thought that she was dismissed without a glance because of me, made me smile.
She expected her name on his lips. She expected the time that now I'm going to spend with him to be only hers. I guess sometimes we don't get what we want, right? A lesson I learned very quickly in my young life. And from the looks of it, Addison just got schooled too.
"Mr. Maddox! I have some doubts regarding today's lesson."
Addison's voice was firm and steady. It was not a request, it was an order. Big mistake because he doesn't look like a man who takes orders from anyone. Mr. Maddox took a deep breath and looked at her for a few seconds and then told her off casually. I swear I felt butterflies in my stomach.
"We can discuss them in the next class, Ms. Eleven."
The professionalism in his voice was such a relief to my ears and when Addison looked torn between slapping him or walking out I couldn't be happier because I knew she'll choose the latter. She cut me a look but I couldn't quite read it. Was she warning me or something?
As soon as she was gone I looked up at those haunting eyes and something stirred inside me.
"Miss Greene. I believe you understand that I don't appreciate students who don't pay attention in my class and since that's all you have done for the last few days, I thought I'll let you know. This kind of behaviour is not allowed in my class. I don't know what kind of things you indulge yourself in that make you daydream in my classes but leave that behind the second you enter my classroom. I've already given you the last warning and this is it. I should report you but you've always been a good student. But next time, you will get detention and your parents will get a call from me. Do you understand me?"
He glared at me and I felt my temper rising as well. I tried to control myself but couldn't and walked right up to him. Maybe, it was because I'm tired of getting insulted by him all the time or maybe it was because every time I expect something from him he ends up disappointing me or maybe it was because, if I was Addison then we wouldn't be having this conversation, I just snapped. I let it all go for once.
"Don't you dare say that to me? I'm one of the best students in this bloody school and the top scorer in your subject. I don't even need to sit in this stupid class with these pathetic people but I do. I have been nothing but a good student so far. Let's talk about someone else. Someone you are attracted to so much that you can't keep your eyes off her. Addison Eleven. I knew a few secrets and I guess you would like to keep them that way. Don't insult me like that again or my next stop will be the principal's office."
My temper was still flaring, a burning rage and all I wanted to do was hurt him just as badly as he had hurt me. So, instead, I chose to walk away from him and made my way towards the door without giving him a second glance.
He crossed the room and shut the door before I could escape and pushed me right against the wall beside the closed door. My breathing was ragged and I looked up into his stormy eyes. His body was pressed against mine and I almost moaned with pleasure. I hate him for making me feel so much. His touch always feels better than my dreams. The ineffable physical connection was too much for me.
"Are you threatening me, Miss Greene? You know what secrets cost, they cost more than you can imagine. And I guess you have one or two somewhere hidden."
With a quick pull to my bun, he opened my hair which cascaded down my back. I've never had my nerves being so high on alert to every sensation his touch was causing me. His hand grabbed the back of my head and he brought my face right against his.
"I know you are not what you seem like, far from it. I've caught the glimpse of the real you many times. You cannot fool me. Don't get into my business and I won't get into yours and leave Addison out from all this. Get out."
My mind was fuzzy with rage and I was completely aroused and I don't even know why? The rough way he was handling me was turning me on which was just pathetic. But there was not one thing remotely attractive about the way he talked to me right now. Maybe, he knows how to burn someone with a single touch, he knows exactly what my body wants and I wonder if he had done this before. If the man who I thought was a hero, was actually the villain of my story.
"You'll never know my secrets, Mr. Maddox. My secrets are shrouded inside me and you don't want to know me. I had a taste for you. Once. And it was madness. And trust me you don't want that."
WHY DOES EVERY STORY OF MINE turn DARK REAL QUICK. WHY.
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