We went camping, with tents and the entire senior year. Everyone got grouped into pairs to share a tent, and a note appeared on the bulletin board with the final word on who we would be forced upon. Of course hardly anyone was happy.
"Who is Nathaniel?" I wondered out loud.
"That's that lamo without parents," replied Luke, a guy who'd probably call me his friend. "Oh, shit ... Him."
A short fellow further down the mass of students slammed his fist on the inside of his elbow to show his middle finger to Lucas, only without actually showing the middle finger. That way no one could accuse him of anything. He had to be a seasoned offender.
He walked away.
Lucas said something to me, but I didn't listen. I went after the boy. Nathaniel appeared to be good at sneaking away in the crowd and disappeared from my sight pretty quickly. But I was good at shoving and being antisocial and found him again.
"Wait," I called after him. "Nathaniel."
Annoyed, he turned around. "My name's Nate. Or Lamo, whatever you like better." He wanted to walk away again.
"Hey, I didn't say you're a lamo. Who even uses that word? The fucker next to me said that. I don't even know you." I was walking alongside him now, waiting for his reaction. It took a while.
"I'm not even going, so you can ask someone else."
Not going? Was that even an option? "Why not?"
"Why would I?"
How would I know? "Because I'd be all alone in our tent if you didn't."
My answer almost made him smile. Almost. "Are you scared? Do you need me to protect you?"
"No," I laughed. "Although if you're there, all I have to do is get away faster."
Nate shot me a foul look. In a corner of the schoolyard he stopped. On my left was the gym, on Nate's side was the fence around the schoolyard. He let his bag slip from his shoulder and flung it with one arm on the roof of the school.
"Well, take care." Supple as a cat he climbed the fence, lifted himself onto the roof of the school and disappeared.
I stood there, completely stunned. Then I climbed after him.
Once I managed to get onto the roof - with great difficulty; Nate had made it seem so much easier than it was - I saw him calmly peeling a tangerine on the other side of the building, his legs dangling over the edge, overlooking the park next to the school. I dropped down next to him.
"Did anyone see you?" he greeted me mistrustingly.
"Course not. I'm like a ninja."
He gave me a piece of the tangerine. "There are two kinds of people, I think."
"I doubt that."
"Hush... One kind gets angry if I did what I just did. The other type thinks I'm much more interesting all of a sudden. "
That annoyed me. "I am a combination," I stubbornly claimed, even though I fitted exactly into the latter category. "I don't let anyone insult me."
"When did I insult you?"
"Just now," I insisted, although I couldn't remember what it was exactly that had insulted me.
"So... did you come here to take revenge?"
"No..."
"Well, then."
Meanwhile Nate chewed like a madman on his tangerine. I wondered what he was trying to prove. Once his mouth was empty, he gave me one hell of a hostile look.
"Then what?" he asked impatiently. "You want me to swap with someone?"
"What?"
"For that whole camp happening. Do you want me to swap with that Luke guy?"
"Hell, no."
He scowled. "Do you want me to secretly swap with some girl when we're there?"
"Dude, no. Don't be weird. I don't give a shit who I'm in a tent with."
Obviously, that confused him. "Then what are you doing here?"
"Getting to know you," I blathered. "I have manners."
"Oh, piss off."
I ignored him. "Anyway, I thought you said you wouldn't go."
"Nah..." He ate his tangerine. "I don't like promises."
That was something I recognized.
We overlooked the bike path below us and the park across the street. Nate stared intently at a tree, but I couldn't see what was so special about it.
I found the silence uncomfortable. "I'm Stuart."
"No shit," muttered Nate.
"You knew?"
"You're always shouting the wrong answers in math class."
"That is not true," I demanded.
"It is true. You don't have a clue in there. But it's okay. You can have as much hubris as you want."
"Well," I muttered astonished.
Who even used that word, "hubris"? I liked it a lot.
"Thanks."
While Nate mockingly watched my reaction, he put a tangerine in his mouth. "You're welcome."
Did I have hubris?
"So should I come with you then?" Nate asked.
"If you insist," I muttered, still thinking about my behavior in math class. "You could help keep Lucas and all those other misfits of my back."
He nodded. "I think I'd be an expert at that."
I really wasn't very good at math, I realized. Most of the time I had failing grades and an average of a D. It had never occurred to me, but now that I thought about it, I was never actually right when I shouted an answer.
Ah, well... "I think I'm good at English."
Nathaniel's smile had a bit of an evil glint. "I'm not surprised. With your books..."
Someone had paid attention to me... Not that anyone would have to look very hard, I almost always carried a book with me. Even while sitting there I had a paperback in my back pocket. I tried to secretly stash it away somewhere so Nate wouldn't notice.
Nate handed the last bit of his tangerine to me and pulled up his legs. "You be careful with me. I attract trouble. "
I stared at him for a second and wondered how. Nate had eyes like chestnuts. He didn't look at all like someone who had enemies.
"How can I help it when they force me in a tent with you?" I asked.
He shrugged and lingered a little. "Touché... Well, I'm going home."
"Now?" I exclaimed.
He nodded in a distracted kind of way. "Lots of shit to do if I have to go camping."
"Like what?" That boy astounded me more every minute. "A manicure?"
His eyes twinkled. "Yeah... New shoes, Brazilian Wax, you know it."
"And a cute nightie for the evening."
For a moment Nate lost control and laughed. Quickly he plunged down over the opposite edge of the roof.
We had been sitting there for barely five minutes. For a moment I wondered if it really had been only a test to see if I would climb up after him.
...
The next Monday we left to the Ardennes in five large buses. Everyone was told to be there at exactly eight o'clock, so we could leave at half past eight -- so I came running at half past eight. Panting, I threw my bags in the trunk and ran into the bus with my class's number on it. In the aisle I came to a halt.
"Stu!" Lucas shouted, and he pointed at a free seat beside him, so I ignored him. I hated it when he called me Stu. My name was Stuart.
"Where's Nathaniel?" I asked my tutor. Everyone looked at me, but I wouldn't go anywhere without my tent mate.
My tutor wrinkled his nose. He seemed physically disgusted by the image Nate's name evoked. I wanted to beat him. He took his clipboard and looked at the list of names. "Not here. Probably not coming."
Pff, forget it.
I walked out of the bus again. If Nate could just stay away, I could too. Silly jaunt. They never warmed me up to the idea anyway.
Right when I pulled my stuff back out of the trunk again - under big question marks and loud exclamations of my tutor and other teachers - I saw someone, out of the corner of my eye.
With a huge duffle bag over his shoulder and headphones around his neck, Nate came strolling our way. He clearly couldn't care less if he caught the bus or not.
Overjoyed I spread my arms. "Nathaniel! My best friend and tent mate! You're here!"
He launched his bag in the trunk with an admirable arch.
"Ah yeah... you again," he muttered supposedly careless, but I saw perfectly well how my warm welcome made his eyes sparkle.
"Come on. I don't give a damn about all those people," I entrusted him. "I told you: you have to drive them away."
Sighing, Nate dragged himself up the steps into the bus. He walked all the way to the back, although only one free seat was left there.
"Fuck off," he muttered at the boy sitting there. "Sit over there or something."
"Yeah, no."
"Listen, buddy," whispered my new friend threateningly. "I have a knife and we're going to the Ardennes and nobody can prove that it wasn't an accident when something happens to you. Go sit somewhere else before I have to ask again."
I watched with wide eyes. The boy stood up, steam coming from his ears, and went to sit in the only remaining free space: next to our tutor. I could hardly believe that it worked - and how easy it was.
Nate motioned for me to go first and I sat down by the window.
"You never asked in the first place," I mumbled, still stunned.
"Are you complaining?" he snapped.
Smiling, I shook my head. "Jesus..."
He kicked off his shoes, stuffed his jacket under his chair and ruffled through his hair with both hands. "I told you I have a reputation. There's still time to leave."
I was deep in thought. "Do you really have a knife?"
"You'll find out ..."
Laughing, I grabbed a book from my backpack filled with food, books and a first aid kit for you-never-knew. "Mind if I read?"
"Knock yourself out."
Nate himself pulled out a dilapidated Walkman and some large, expensive-looking headphones. I thought it was an odd combination. Why such an old Walkman with such brand spanking new headphones?
We sat together in silence for the entire trip. He listened to music, I read. I thought it was perfect. No one to maintain a conversation with, no need to search for topics or jokes...
After half an hour Nate fell asleep with the headphones on. When the bus took a turn, he slipped sideways, against my shoulder. I could vaguely hear his music and after a while I recognized Guns 'n Roses. Then I fell asleep too.
I awoke with a start when Nate jolted upright, gasping for air. It was as if he emerged after someone had pushed him under water.
"NO!" Panting and with great fear in his eyes, he looked around. "What - Where am I?"
It scared me a bit. "In the bus. To the Ardennes. With your great friend Stuart. Everything okay?"
Nothing was okay, so much was clear. Nate was clenching my wrist. He still breathed panic.
"Oh, damn..."
His free hand disappeared into his hair. Slowly, he leaned his head against the back of the chair and closed his eyes. He breathed in and out a few times.
After a while, he went back to normal a bit more. "Ardennes..." he muttered with a scattered frown.
"Can I have my hand back?" I whispered.
He almost fell off his chair and threw my hand back in my lap with great force. I couldn't stop laughing.
"I never should have gone," he said angrily, and he cursed some more.
"Because you had a nightmare?"
"Piss off, Stuart, you don't know shit."
"Who cares, Nathaniel," I growled back. "And I will not piss off. We're going 120 km an hour, I'd get hurt."
I heard a strange sound and when I looked over I found out that Nate was laughing. It seemed like we both needed to get used to the fact that he could do that. It was a rarity.
...
That afternoon, we arrived at our destination. We let everyone leave the bus before we did. Nate was the last person to get out, in the same leisurely way he had boarded it. It seemed only polite, he said.
When everyone took out their luggage, Nate pressed the huge bag he'd brought with him against my chest and walked away.
Never one to funk out, I pulled his bag over one shoulder, slung my own over the other and marched off to the campsite as if I didn't feel a thing. It hurt my shoulders like a bitch.
For a moment nothing happened. Then I heard footsteps speeding up behind me... and jumping on my back was Nate.
Laughing, I immediately grabbed his legs and dragged him along on my back on top of all the heavy luggage. I nearly died.
"I'm so strong."
My back felt sore already.
Nate roared with laughter and only when we arrived at our destination he jumped off my back. My shoulders sighed with relief when he took his bag from me.
Our tutor led us around on the lawn where our tents were standing. They were set up already: the school had simply hired a field full of tents.
"Lame," muttered Nate.
All us kids had to do, was inflate our air mattresses and throw in our sleeping bags. With a deep sigh I wanted to get started, but Nate pulled a complete king-size air mattress out of his bag. Within seconds he'd unfolded it in our tent, turned open the cap and the thing began to inflate on its own.
"Voilà." He took off his shoes and socks and stretched out in the grass next to our tent.
"Neat," I mumbled.
Next to us, our classmates were slaving away with hand and foot pumps and I had this cheap, thin, one-person thingy from the Pleistocene in my bag, but apparently all that jazz was totally unnecessary.
I peeked in Nate's bag. The only things left in there were a few clothes and a toothbrush. The huge bag had been filled entirely with the air mattress and his sleeping bag.
Only when the mattress was inflated and my sleeping bag was spread out, Nate rose from his place in the sun to have a look. He threw his sleeping bag next to mine and, cross-legged, he sat down beside me to inspect the zippers.
"These can be zipped together. Then you have one big sleeping bag. "
"For real?" I exclaimed. "Oh, do it! I hate those bloody things. You can never move."
Nate stared at me in astonishment, but seemed to find the idea quite funny. "Okay, okay. Wait. "
As I watched, he unzipped the sleeping bags from top to toe, put the bottom and top edges together and zipped them shut again. "Tada!"
I was amazed. "Brilliant..."
A while later we were all called together and dragged along to the village nearby, or maybe it was a city...
"Who cares..." Nate sighed deeply when we stood in front of a church and a teacher elaborated on something or the other. Nate's gaze wandered off.
"Stu." Nate frowned as the group walked down a street, and pulled me away to the other side. Nobody noticed us not coming around the corner anymore. "I hear something."
I didn't ask questions, but followed him to see what the sound was. It could never be more boring than what our teachers showed us.
We found what Nate was looking for, but it disappointed him: it was a river that ran through the city.
"I thought there'd be a waterfall."
The water flowed like crazy though and the river floor was packed with stones and rocks. I went straight to the middle of a bridge that ran over it and climbed over the railing to jump on a large rock in the water. Nate took the difficult road along the side of the river to jump on a teeny-tiny rock and from there on a stone that was really far away. Apparently that stone was slippery, because he nearly fell. Laughing, he recovered his balance.
I tried to get closer to him, so I could push him into the river, but the stone that I jumped on wobbled and I slid up to my knee in the water.
Nate howled with laughter.
"Asshole," I smiled. "You can't do more than just stand there either."
He couldn't let that remark slide.
Within a minute we were both soaked. Cursing, we reached the river bank, where Nate fell into the grass.
"I only took one pair of pants with me..." He half-heartedly hit the pipes of his pants. "Oops."
Laughing, I began to roll up the legs of my jeans. "Shouldn't we go look for the rest?"
"Yeah, in a minute... If we wait until it's dark, they'll just be glad we're back. Teachers are scared shitless for things like that. That we drown or anything. "
I came up with a great idea... but we really couldn't.
Nate looked at me and I saw my own mania reflected in his eyes.
"I have an idea," he said.
"No."
"I'm going ahead and then you have to wait for fifteen minutes..."
"No, we can't! Really!"
"I won't say you drowned or anything. Only that I lost you here!" He grinned.
"No, come on." I slapped most of the dirt off me and went back into the street. I was too well-behaved for such jokes.
Nate quickly joined me. "Stuart, I don't really know where the campsite is," he whispered.
And I smiled, because I was totally prepared for this. "Don't worry!"
Out of my pocket I pulled a compass that I got from my father: "It'll be useful," he'd said. "In case you're lost." Now we were lost.
"Well then," I said, peering hopefully at the needle.
Nate looked over my shoulder. He tapped the glass a few times.
"It points north," I concluded. "Is the camp site north?"
Nate choked with laughter.
Sighing, I walked towards the church, the only landmark we had. Nate walked along with me, whistling the entire time.
"Ah," he remarked casually, when we were under the church and I randomly shook the compass some more. "There they are."
Indeed, the entire senior year walked up to the square where we were standing. We were greeted with much angry gestures and hollow threats. Sometimes I grew so tired of people.
Nate too sighed once more.
"What happened to your pants?" Charlotte asked me.
"Got wet," I replied, which for some reason Nate couldn't stop laughing about.
...
In the evening we got macaroni, served in giant pans. I got a little extra, because the girl next to me only wanted half her portion. Together with Nate we emptied her plate in a few bites.
We were still wearing our wet clothes, because we both didn't want to admit we even noticed. Luckily they had dried up a little in the meantime. The weather was dry.
After dinner we were again whisked away, this time to a large circle of trunks on the campsite, where we were supposed to sit on. It was disgusting. I found this trip to consist of too much walking along with the group and just waiting where you'd end up. That sort of thing had never really been for me.
"Stuart, sit down," ordered my asshole geography teacher.
I'd rather perish.
Nate saw my face, hid a smile, and slightly theatrically wiped the dirt from the trunk stool next to him. "Highly inappropriate," he muttered up to me in his best posh accent.
'Stuart, sít down!" ordered my gym teacher.
Fine! I plopped down on the trunk.
"Up next: the gangbang," muttered Nate.
I snorted, but there wasn't a gangbang. They blazed a load of nature, which someone had gathered in the middle of our circle, and gave us big, iron sticks and marshmallows.
At once, I revived and greedily stacked six marshmallows on a stick. "Extreme!"
Nate enjoyed it much less. "Ow... fuck ... Shit..."
Already there were two marshmallows at his feet on the ground and his hands were covered in melted pink goo.
"Goddammit!"
"Having fun?"
"No."
I grabbed the stick from his hands, jabbed two marshmallows on it and held it next to mine in the fire for a while. When the marshmallows nearly melted off, I pulled the sticks back to me.
Nate almost gave me a heart attack when he tried to grab the scorching hot iron stick. I pulled it away just in time and scolded him.
"Sorry, honey," he whispered.
"Here. Hold it here. You fucking asshole."
I handed him the cool end of the two sticks to get the marshmallows off myself; Nate was apparently too useless. I handed a marshmallow to him, but he had his hands full with the sticks and opened his mouth.
Automatically, I stuffed the marshmallow in his pie hole.
We laughed, him with his mouth full, but I quickly took over one of the sticks so that I could hand over the other marshmallow.
"I'm not your servant," I mumbled.
Grinning, he squeezed my leg. "Not yet."
One of the teachers came up with a fun activity for the group and asked who wanted to tell a ghost story. I rolled my eyes, but to my great astonishment Nate nearly jumped at the chance.
"I do!"
Everyone was stunned. I could not remember Nate ever voluntarily saying anything to another person before, let alone to the entire group at once. But then again, I hadn't remembered him anyway.
In any case, Nate knew a scary story. It was about a man turning into a werewolf.
"In the eighteenth century," he began, "a curse was cast on my entire family, thanks to my great-great-great-great grandfather."
I already started laughing and Nate kicked me hard. He started telling his story with a great sense of drama.
Soon, I found myself fascinated, and I wasn't the only one. Especially girls were staring at Nate with their mouths open, but some guys were leaning forward to listen as well. Nate himself seemed to be the most into his own story though.
When he finished, the group remained silent for quite a long time. Our teacher was the first to say something.
"Great story, Nate."
"Thank you," he said with a smugness that made me smile.
Suddenly, some guy drawled: "Isn't your mother, like, dead? How did-?"
"Hey!" cried the teacher. "That's enough!"
"I killed her," answered Nate in a dark voice, "with cyanide. In her morning tea."
Merely the crackling of the fire could be heard.
I was the only one stifling laughter. I did my best to hide it, but a very strange sound escaped me.
Nate mockingly looked at me and patted my back so I could pretend I was coughing.
"More questions?" he asked the group.
Fifty pairs of eyes stared in amazement, disbelief and, occasionally, sheer terror at him. I thought it was a privilege to have a tent mate who could inspire all those feelings.
No one had questions.
Nate leaned over to me and in the silence he had caused, he asked me in a horny voice: "Wanna hold my stick?"
Howling with laughter I took over his stupid marshmallow stick as he calmly got up.
"Where are you going?"
"Loo."
Ten minutes later, Nate hadn't come back.
I waited a moment, but then I went to see where he was. Like a nervous kindergarten teacher.
"Nate?"
No one seemed to be in the toilets, but then I saw that one of the doors were locked, yet there weren't any feet on the floor. Kind of stalkerish for me to realize that really.
I gently knocked on the door. "Nate?" What I hadn't expected was that it would fling open at once. A hand grabbed my wrist and Nate pulled me inside.
With an intense look, he closed the door and pinned me against the wall, his nose almost touching mine. For a moment I wondered if I should be afraid, but that seemed ridiculous. I didn't feel any fear, anyway.
"You do know it's not true, right?" he hissed. "Do you think they know that?"
He seemed upset.
"I never killed anyone, really. They thought so, but I wanted to help that man. I was found innocent, it was -..."
I grabbed his shoulders. "Ssh," I soothed him. "Calm down. I believe you."
Nate's voice trembled. "Really?"
If I hadn't known better I'd think that my remark almost made him tear up.
"Are you okay?"
"Me?"
"Yeah, buddy, what are you doing here? The party is over there. They have marshmallows."
He wrinkled his nose and suddenly he dropped his head on my shoulder. With a heavy sigh he leaned against me.
I lay an arm around him and laughed. "Well, this isn't totally crazy or anything..."
He quickly stepped back again and frowned at me. His stare made me uncomfortable.
"Hey Stuart?' he said matter-of-factly. "You do know that you are really good-looking?"
My mouth fell open, but Nate didn't have time for my reaction.
"Step aside, boy." He opened the door and shoved past me to get out.
The moment we walked out of the booth, Roy came in.
"What were you doing?" he asked perplexed.
Nate motioned with his fist in front of his mouth and his tongue in his cheek.
I pulled his hand away and hit him. "No! Dude!" I laughed. "Jesus!"
Nate only grinned. Shaking his head, Roy walked to a urinal and I pushed Nate out of the door.
"That's how gossip starts, you jerk."
We joined the group again and at ten o'clock we were sent to bed. We were allowed to brush our teeth first, though.
In the public toilet Nate turned to me with an angelic face. "Can I borrow your toothpaste?"
"No. Buy your own."
Bitterly, he lifted his chin and asked the girl next to me the same thing. Of course, she just handed him the toothpaste.
"Hey," he asked her softly while brushing his teeth, leaning against the sink. "What else do you want to share?"
I burst out laughing, but Nate did not budge.
"Stuart wants to swap tents if you like."
"Keep on dreaming," said the girl, who didn't seem very affected by his proposal.
"Like you'd want me to swap," I grinned. "You only went on this trip so you could lie in a tent with me." I spit out my toothpaste, wiped my mouth and walked away.
"That's not true!" I heard Nate behind me. "Come back! You wanna fight?!"
I laughed, but kept walking. It took less than ten seconds before I heard Nate's rapid footsteps and he caught up with me.
Before he could say anything, I leaned over to him. "It's a little bit true."
He gave me a painful punch.
"Ouch." I rubbed my arm.
"Sorry..." He watched what I was doing. "Are you checking out your muscles?"
I quickly dropped my arm. "No."
"Oh my god..." Shaking his head he looked away. "Narcissist."
"What do you expect when everyone keeps telling me how mega good-looking I am all the time?"
A sound escaped him that sounded a little like 'Argh!' and laughing at the same time. "Don't be daft. I only asked if you knew. I thought someone had to tell you. Some people go their whole life without anyone telling them that they are good at something or that they are clever or very nice or I dunno. I don't like that. If I had something like that, I'd want someone to tell me. How else would I know? "
That was the most words I had heard Nate say to me in one go. He must have cared deeply.
"You know perfectly well that you're good at things." I scowled. "Like that story you just told everyone, or when you climbed onto that roof. And I only just met you. There's probably more."
"I don't know anything!" Nate exclaimed loudly and firmly.
It made me laugh, but I didn't want to overload him with any more compliments. That would be weird.
We reached our tent and kicked off our shoes to dive in. Nate flicked on my flashlight and hung it over our heads. Then we noticed the zipped-together sleeping bags and burst out into laughter.
"I'll zip them loose again," Nate said quickly.
Once I saw a bed at night, I wanted nothing more than to sleep. "No, man, it's fine."
Nate was looking at me thoughtfully as I took off my shirt and socks and cursed as I searched for my stupid pajama pants. At home I never slept with pajama pants, but it seemed more civilized at a camping site. But I couldn't find the damn thing. Man, I'd brought so much shit with me...
"Ugh, never mind."
In my underwear I wanted to crawl into the sleeping bag, but Nate pulled it roughly towards him.
"Oh no! You're not getting into my sleeping bag in your fucking underpants!"
I burst into laughter. "Christ, not so loud ..."
Sighing, I looked at him, but he seemed pretty convinced. So I threw out everything in my bag, dug through my stuff and finally, finally found my pajama pants amongst the rubble.
"Holy shit," muttered Nate while he lifted my dumbbell and rummaged through my toiletry bag. "Why do you have so much with you?"
"Being prepared."
He stared at me wide eyed. "For a triathlon?"
I'd been afraid of this. People always had something to say about my passion for collecting if I was going somewhere. Ideally I took my entire bookcase and wardrobe with me. I thought Nate wouldn't complain, because I hardly knew him and he was quite weird himself. Not really solid argumentation, now that I thought of it.
Quickly I shoved all my stuff back into the bag and crawled with my pajama pants in the sleeping bag. "You turn the light off?"
Nate turned the flashlight off while I pulled the sleeping bag tighter around me.
Sleeping, I loved it so much... I could do it anywhere, anytime.
I was dozing off already when I noticed that Nate still wasn't lying next to me. But he didn't move either.
I got up on my elbows and as soon as my eyes were accustomed to the darkness, I saw him sitting with his arms around his knees, broodingly staring into the void.
"You good?" I asked. "What are you waiting for?"
"Hm? Nothing, nothing. " He rubbed his eyes.
I flipped the light on, which shocked him.
"What are you doing?" we asked at the same time.
Still with that worried look, Nate rubbed his arms. I didn't understand what was wrong, and sat up straight. He moved closer to me.
"Stuart?" He fiddled with the zipper of the sleeping bag. "If you want... If I... Listen..."
Silence.
"I'm listening."
He took a deep breath. "If you want me to leave tomorrow, you just have to say it, okay?"
My eyes widened slightly. "Why would I want that?"
Right away all possible answers shot into my mind.
"Are you really changing into a werewolf?"
He shot me a look.
"Do you wet your bed?"
"No! It's not thát bad."
"Then what?"
He shrugged and it was clear he hesitated. Eventually he decided to say nothing more than: "I'm just saying."
Sighing, I opened the sleeping bag for him. "Come on, friend... I'm exhausted."
Slightly relieved, he did what I said and I finally turned the light off.
"I'm sorry in advance," he muttered.
"Whiner."
...
In the middle of the night, I woke up, because Nate was tossing and turning in his sleep. He muttered incoherent things, tried to push something away and clearly said "no" several times.
Suddenly he sat up screaming."Móóóóm!"
Panting, he hit the air around him, as if trying to beat someone off him.
"Ssh, Nathaniel!" I hissed sleepily.
He screamed with fright. "Go away! I know karate!"
I searched for the flashlight and turned it on.
"Stuart?!" he yelled, completely staggered. His eyes darted through the tent. "Where-?"
"In a tent in the Ardennes, mate. We're at a camping trip. Still."
With wild eyes he looked around, ran his hands through his hair and rubbed his face, groaning and cursing.
I fell back on the air mattress. "You good?"
He nodded vaguely and lay back down next to me again, but his eyes remained wide open. He slowly breathed in and out a few times.
"What did you dream about?"
"Always the same. I don't talk about it." Nate turned off the light.
I wondered if I had to say or do anything. He'd seemed quite startled.
"Nathaniel?"
He sighed, reached for my hand and put my arm around him.
I hesitated, but then I moved my pillow to Nate's side, pulled my arm around him tight and fell asleep again. I did not do things halfheartedly.
...
The next morning, I woke up with Nate wrapped around me. I thought it was hilarious.
It was still early, but I wasn't used to the bright sunlight. Back home, my room was pitch-dark. I tried to go back to sleep, but Nate was very warm against my chest. I didn't want to push him away though, afraid I'd wake him up.
I managed to doze off a bit when Nate's sleepy cheek scraped against my shoulder like a cat. For a second his hand moved down. Because I wasn't wearing a shirt, that felt a little weird, but I was too far into dreamland to register it properly.
Suddenly Nate jumped up and got away from me as fast as he could. He rummaged through the tent and two seconds later, I heard the zipper opening and closing.
Sleepily, I peaked through my heavy eyelids. Where'd he go?
...
When they shook the tents to wake us up, Nate still hadn't returned. He wasn't at breakfast when I was filling my plate, but the croissants were going fast and only a few cups of strawberry jam were left.
I glanced around me one last time and because I still didn't see him, I filled a plate for him. That way he at least had something to eat when he came back. It would be sad if he only got the remaining crushed croissant and just a little plum jam or something.
It was a grey day, so we were sitting in a large party tent. Every now and then it rained. The camp was muddy and people complained about their filthy shoes and trousers.
I sat down next to Luke and put Nate's plate next to mine, so that no one would be annoying enough to come and sit beside me.
Lucas complained about how bad he slept on his air mattress - a topic everyone could talk about - and about some idiot who started screaming in the middle of the night. I wisely kept quiet.
When I finished my croissant and started on my bread, I saw Nate. He saw me too and strolled in my direction.
"Who's sitting here?" he asked, pointing at the plate.
"You are, babe. Come on, that shit's popular. Someone might steal it."
Never in my life had I seen someone look at me as bewildered as Nate at that time.
"You - Did - Is this for me?"
"Yes."
"Did you get it for me?"
"Yes, you weren't here, remember? Else you'd have gotten that junk over there. Look at the misery that's left. Do you want that?"
"No, no," he replied quickly.
At last, he sat down. "Jees..."
I watched in amusement. He was totally blown away by my mediocre action.
"That's goddamn nice of you," he said.
I started laughing. "Don't be ridiculous."
He slowly recovered from the shock and started to eat.
I watched, and found him to be a weird guy. With his nightmares and his sudden mood swings and his alienation from normal human behavior.
"Don't start thinking I'm a big deal," I warned.
"Not at all."
"I'm an antisocial dog."
Nate got some of his swagger back and slyly eyed me. "Not to me?"
I shook my head and devoured the rest of my breakfast. Then we were put in a bus and driven to a castle, where we first went to have elevensies, apparently, and then got a tour. I couldn't understand half of what was said, because I was all the way at the back of the group.
Meanwhile, Lucas was making farting sounds and cracking lame puns. Nate was quiet, so I couldn't even expect any fun from him. I just tagged along with everyone else. Castles were pretty rad. They made my imagination go wild.
After the tour we were allowed to go explore for ourselves, but I lost Nate and wasn't interested in anyone else. That's why I walked around on my own and found a place in the castle garden where I was alone.
Because of the trees surrounding it, the ground had remained pretty dry, so I sat on my coat in the grass. When I picked up my book, I smelled lavender.
I could have appreciated it, being a castle lord.
...
"I knew it."
I jumped and looked up from my book to see Nate walking towards me. His way of walking was a little bouncy. It made me instantly happy.
"What?"
"Everyone's looking for you. We're going back."
"What did you know?"
"That you were secretly reading in your little book somewhere... Nerd."
I shut my book. "You were gone, what else could I do?"
He laughed a little. It still sounded uneasy when he did that, as if he wasn't used to it. I liked it.
"Hey, where are you going?" he asked.
Confused, I turned round to him. "To the busses, right?"
"Oh, yeah... We could also pretend that I didn't find you yet."
I thought about it. "Then what?"
Nate skipped from one foot to the other. "I don't know..."
"Where did you go? Did you see anything cool?"
He shook his head and I noticed we were walking to the busses anyway.
Nate didn't answer my question. I thought he was in a strange mood today, so I told him.
"This is my normal mood. Yesterday was the weird mood," he claimed, but he stared at the ground while he said so.
I didn't know what to say.
"Hey..." He touched my back pocket. "Why do you always carry hairpins around?"
"None of your business. You need more credits first."
Smiling, he staggered after me. "Oh..."
In the bus I read on in my book, while Nate's knees nervously popped up and down and he stared out the window.
This went on for the rest of the day: Nate came and went without explanation and when he was there he hung around me all quiet and nervous.
After dinner, when we had time for ourselves and were hanging out in our tent, he finally spilled the beans. "Should I go home tomorrow?"
I wanted to whack him around the head with my book. "Why? Just because you woke up screaming or something?"
He seemed to cringe. "I know everyone hates me. You can just say -"
"Everybody hates you? What the fuck, dude? Nobody hates you." Remembering my teacher's face at the start of this trip, I corrected: "I don't hate you. If anyone has a problem with you waking up every now and then, they can choke on it. You're not having those nightmares for shits and giggles, right? You fucking lost your parents, didn't you?"
Totally unexpected, he pressed his hand over my mouth and hissed: "You shut the fuck up about my parents! I don't talk about it!"
I nodded, sighed and gave up on him. "Whatever, man."
That boy was pretty freaking disturbed, if you asked me.
My silence seemed to make everything even more uncomfortable. For a moment Nathaniel played with the zipper of the tent, then he moved towards me again. His mouth opened. His mouth closed. He sighed deeply.
I pretended to read, but only stared at the page, waiting for him to finally say what was on his mind.
His hand wavered in my direction, but apparently he didn't know what he wanted with it. "Just be honest, please, do you want me to leave, or not?"
"No, moron, of course not. Why do you even think so? I think you-" I had no idea how to finish that sentence. "I like you a hundred times better than those guys who I would have to hang out with without you. I sleep very easily anyway, so don't worry. Goddammit..."
"Why are you angry?"
There was a hint of fear in his voice. Immediately I regretted my harshness and turned towards him. I thought about my answer.
"Because," I finally said, as calmly as I could muster, "apparently there have been a lot of people who gave you the impression that you are... difficult. And as if they hate you. I think that's... cruel. I want you to stay, okay? And if I ever have any negative thoughts about you, you'll be the first to hear it, alright?"
"Okay... Okay..." The corner of his mouth twitched. "If you insist."
...
That night was about the same as the previous one. Again, Nate woke up screaming. Again, I turned on the light, told him where he was and he calmed down enough to fall asleep. It seemed like hell to me to have the same terrible nightmare every damn night.
This time, Nate didn't pull my arm around him, but when I awoke in the morning, he was wrapped around me again anyway; his arm around my neck and his head on my shoulder.
"Dammit," he whispered when he awoke, before pulling back to continue sleeping. I had a hard time not to laugh.
In the morning they shook the tent again and called to say we had to get up. I didn't fancy that idea at all and pulled the sleeping bag over my head. I heard Nate moan.
Much, much later, I awoke. It was quiet outside. Too quiet.
I sat up straight and shook Nate.
"Mmmm..." he sighed, "lemme sleep."
"Nate," I hissed. "Do you hear the others? What time is it?"
Sighing, he raised his arm, moved it around my neck and pulled me close. "Sssh ..."
"Muuh..." I groaned.
It was much nicer to stay in bed a little longer than to have to worry about our dumb school trip. With Nate's arm tightly around me, I slept on.
It was after eleven when we finally had the energy to roll out of the tent and take a look around. The field was deserted. The breakfast was looted. The buses were gone.
"They went without us," Nate stammered. He started laughing. "That's funny."
We were sitting opposite each other at one of the picnic tables.
"Well..."
"Did they seriously go without us?" I couldn't believe it. "Didn't they count?"
I wondered if it was a problem. Would they be angry?
"Get used to it, Stu. My reputation is radiating on you already." Nate grinned and leaned over to me. "I'm a pain in the ass."
"Tell me about it."
He laughed and I laid my head in my arms. My biggest worry was what to eat now.
Fortunately the weather was good and they would come back again at some point. Probably somewhere in the afternoon. We could lie in the sun all day. That didn't seem like a punishment to me.
Bored, Nate grabbed one of my hands with both his hands and moved his thumb over the lines in my palm. "Hmmm... interesting."
"What?"
"Oh, I can read palms."
I leaned my chin in my free hand. "Oh yeah? What does it say?"
"Yes... Oh! Yes! Hmm..." He kept going over my hand with his fingers. "Yes... it's very clear... It says you're a nerd." Laughing, he released me.
I pretended to hit him, but took his hand in revenge. "Well well well, let's see."
Frowning I stared at his skin. Who in their right mind could think they could see something in the lines on someone's hands? The only thing I saw was that Nate had a lot of hard skin and dirt under his nails. What did he do to get so much hard skin? Climbing buildings, like he did at school? But his hands were quite soft too, oddly enough, like roasted marshmallows.
What could I even say?
"It says you're - cute." I froze at my own words. At the last moment I had thought that it was too offensive to say he was a tosser, and changed to the first thing that came into my mind - but why was thát the first thing that came into my mind?!
I dropped his hand like it was on fire and got up. "I'm gonna look for food."
The breakfast was not as plundered as I thought. There were some flat and ripped croissants and sandwiches left, and the box with mini-Nutella's was still half full. I loaded as much as I could on two plates and went back.
Nate wasn't sitting on the picnic table anymore. He was lying with eyes closed, spread out like the Redeemer, in the grass in the sun.
I threw the plates on the table and stood next to him in such a way that he was in my shadow.
He squeezed one eye open. "You're blocking my sun."
I smiled and stepped over his body to pin him to the ground with my knees. I pressed his wrists deep into the grass. "Gotcha, loser."
Nate raised an eyebrow, sighed and before I knew what happened, I was flying through the air and landed on my back in the grass. I tried to get away, but Nate twisted my arms behind my back, immobilizing me completely.
"What did you say?" he whispered right next to my face.
I laughed through the pain. "Nothing," I groaned.
He was stronger than I thought.
Laughing, he pushed my face into the ground and rolled off me. "You're cute."
Side by side we lay in the grass now, on our stomachs. I pulled out a long blade of grass and put it in my mouth like some random hillbilly.
Nate was looking at me. There was something strange in his eyes - it suddenly struck me -, or perhaps it was his entire face that was strange.
Maybe it was his nose. I found that it looked like the pecker of a duck. Or his eyelids, which were shaped like hazelnuts, so he was always looking into the world quite lazily. And you shouldn't even have gotten me started on his mouth, because -
Nate pulled the blade of grass out of my mouth, leaned towards me and gave me a kiss. It interrupted my thoughts with a jolt.
Why did he do that?
What was he thinking? What did it mean? I tried to ask, but somewhere down the road, my words changed.
"Do it again."
He smiled and did as I said, but this time, I was prepared. With my heart beating like mad, I closed my eyes and kissed him back.
I couldn't think of anything, apart from how soft Nate was and how nice his fingers felt on my cheek. He kissed fine as hell.
With a bang I realized what I was doing. Startled, I pulled away and stared at my tent mate. The coals in his eyes reduced slowly to their normal size.
"It doesn't mean anything," I quickly said. "Does it for you?"
He shook his head.
Relieved, I figured I could kiss him one last time, slowly. Then I sat up straight.
Nate rolled on his back and crossed his arms under his head. The sun was shining like crazy. I grabbed our breakfast so we could eat it in the grass.
Something was funny about the way Nate chewed. He caught me staring at him and raised his eyebrows. I looked away.
"What do we do? What time do you think they're back?"
He shrugged. There was a long silence, but it didn't matter, because we were eating.
"Tonight is that zany party," I said.
He looked up. "Party?"
"Yes, the disco or however they call it." I shook my head. "It's always just off, isn't it, when old people try to be hip..."
"I only brought two shirts," Nate scowled. "Oops."
He tore off a piece of bread and dipped it into the Nutella, as though they were fries with ketchup.
"I forgot you have to take so much stuff to things like this. And I was late too, so I forgot half of it." He shook his head. "I am not a thinker..."
"Do you have any money? We can go to town."
"Ah yeah... I could buy one of those shitey dress shirts that everyone has."
I forgot my own breakfast because I was intrigued by Nate's. He ripped his croissant to shreds, layer by layer, and put Nutella on each layer, before he put it back together again and carefully ate it.
Sighing, I concentrated on the conversation again. "Don't forget a bow tie."
He grinned, Nutella in the corner of his mouth. "You can pick one." He licked the Nutella away.
Breathing deeply in and out, I rubbed my face and neck. My tent mate provoked a strange kind of interest in me.
Moments later we walked off the campsite to go to a clothing store where they sold white shirts, because Nate refused to want anything else now. I whistled a tune.
"Stu, over here!" Nate exclaimed. He pointed at a clothing store.
Inside, there was a woman straightening the clothes and wishing us a good afternoon.
"Yahtzee," whispered Nate when he found a white dress shirt. He checked the size, pulled it from the pile and went to check-out.
"Shouldn't you try it on?" I asked.
"I'm the standard, my boy."
Grinning, I walked out of the store again. Nate followed soon, with a plastic bag dangling on one finger.
We noisily whistled two different songs at the same time. We whistled louder and louder, trying to outdo each other. Nate won, because I was out of breath. Laughing, he poked me in my side.
Back at the campsite the busses were suddenly there again. The whole gang was back.
"There you are!" the teachers greeted us in a very annoyed tone. As if it was all our fault.
Nate didn't give them a second of attention, so I hurried after him. He threw his bag into the tent, turned and ran both hands through his hair.
"Man, are we going to eat again?"
We did indeed went to eat again. I never had a problem with that - the more the better - but Nate didn't seem to feel like it. He took two bites and gave the rest to me. Restless, he looked around and failed to keep his hands still. He played with my sleeve, a splinter in the table, the hem of my shirt, the cutlery, the tear in my jeans...
Suddenly one of my hairpins spun around in his fingers. "Do I have more credits yet, Stu?"
"No."
"What a moron..." Lucas, sitting at my other side, whispered to me.
"Who?" I whispered back, always eager for gossip, and Lucas nodded - to Nate.
A rage lit up in me that I didn't know I had. "If he's a moron, what are you? You should shut the fuck up, you piece of shit."
I was so angry that I crammed my mouth with food, so I couldn't rage against him any more. Once Nate saw it, he loaded even more food on my fork and tried to push it into my mouth.
I emptied our two plates of food in the time it took others to eat one. Immediately afterwards we went for a walk again. All those walks on a full stomach gave me a stomach ache, but I didn't draw attention to it.
This time we walked out of the village, to a river, where they rented out canoes.
Nate got eyes like saucers. "Canoes. I've never been in a canoe."
--- End of Phase 1 ---