CHAPTER TWO
Alicia
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.
~Oscar Wilde
I opened my eyes.
Everything was covered in black, colors dimly spotting from time to time as my vision began to adjust to the darkness. I swallowed my hot breath, throat burning as I did so. I clasped a hand around my neck and took a slow breath in, then letting it out again.
Shakily, I turned my head to look at Jason. His grimace was evident even as he dreamt. I knew he had been through much trauma in his past; I couldn't even imagine what his dreams entailed.
He stirred in just the slightest, causing my breath to catch. I closed my eyes, fearing that he would kill me if I woke him.
He didn't come around.
Cautiously, I began to remove his arm from round my waist. He grunted, causing me to immediately stop.
My heart sped up.
My body erupted in goosebumps.
I trembled in fear.
After two minutes, I slowly came to a sitting position, feeling my head rush to the back of my skull before quickly returning to the front in an uneasy swirl. I sucked in a breath of despair as my stomach clenched itself. I then hurriedly ran to the ensuite. My body shook as I opened the toilet lid as quietly as possible. I could barely hold my hair back in time as my gut released its clenching sickness.
"Babe?"
I let out a small cry. Tears fell down my cheeks as I tried to control my aching stomach. The bile rose up, falling into the bowl below me though. I gripped the sides of the seat. He came over and lowered himself to rub my back in a soothing manner. I began to cry harder at his gentle touch.
"What happened?" He massaged behind my right shoulder.
More bile.
He ran his fingers through my hair, attempting to put my convulsive shivering to rest.
More bile.
More tears.
"It's okay."
I sniffled and breathed shakily, body spasming a bit. Dry heaving every few minutes, I felt tears of a different sort beginning to brim my eyes.
The sting of retching.
He grabbed a small rag that hung just above the toilet. He dabbed the cloth around my lips, cleaning me up. My bottom lip quivered as I looked up at him. My vision went in and out of focus, tears making my head go foggy. "It must be a bug," I quietly confirmed. He then helped me come to a standing position, hands on my forearms.
My temples began to throb.
More tears.
"I think you'll be better by morning – after you get some rest. It was just tonight after all."
My lips began to tremble at his words. Don't you dare bring it up. "But-But what about last," I swallowed as my voice cracked, "what about last night?" You fucking idiot.
He paused and licked his lips with a few small nods as he took the information in. His face began to grow contorted.
Oh God.
"You were sick last night too?" He licked his lips again. Suddenly, he seemed like a skyscraper about to crash down.
His grip tightened on my arms.
Damn it. God, damn it. You idiot; you are a fucking idiot!
You deserve this.
"Why didn't you tell me about last night," he growled.
"I-I-" My voice couldn't go any higher than a hoarse whisper. His eyes went black. No. No. No. "Jason," I whimpered out pathetically.
He then let go of me, pushing everything off the counter. I flinched as he did so, covering my face with my forearms. "STOP FUCKING CRYING! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?" I bit down on my bottom lip, trying to control my crying. "Don't treat me like I'm fucking stupid, you fucking cunt! You think I would forget if you were just sick yesterday!?" I trembled, beginning to hyperventilate. "ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION! DO YOU THINK I AM FUCKING STUPID!?" I shook my head with fervor.
The back of his hand met my face. I screamed as his flesh came into contact with mine. "SHUT UP!" I fell to the ground as he slapped me again. I cried in pain, curling up into a fetal position.
Tangled hair covered most of my face as he shook his blurry head in disgust. He leant down, grabbing a fist full of my hair. I screamed as he yanked me up. "Jason, please!"
"Shut up!" He snapped. I silently cried. He shook his head again, pulling me closer to stare him in the eyes. "You're nothing." His voice came out in a whisper that was louder than anything else he had said that night. He then let go, letting my head hit the wall. I gasped before falling completely to the floor.
He walked away.
After what seemed like eternity, I forced myself to stand. I wiped my dry tears away with the sleeves of Jason's oversized shirt. His sleeves fell down to my elbows. I gasped at the sight of my arms, littered with purple marks. I lifted the sleeves back to my wrists. I stared at my hair, ripped out in certain areas, blood covering the tears. I shakily lifted an arm, making sure not to let my sleeve fall as I covered one bald spot with other hair.
I allowed my hand to fall back to my side. I stared at the image before me.
I looked away in disgust.
My eyes landed on my toes.
They curled.
I closed my eyes, unable to stand the sight of any piece of me.
I looked up at the ceiling. "Why do you hate me?" I breathed. "Why?"
I waited for God's reply. When no answer came, I shook my head and closed my eyes again. I took a breath in. "Why do I even try to talk to you anymore? You don't fucking exist."
I began to pick up everything Jason had pushed to the ground from the counter. I sniffled as I set the last item back into place. I grabbed the toothpaste and covered my toothbrush's bristles in total. I then turned the tap before beginning to brush. I mercilessly scraped at my teeth, gums, tongue, and roof of my mouth.
I tried to erase it all.
I couldn't.
I ran a hand through my hair, the other bald spots coming to sight. I smiled at my reflection.
"I am happy."
***
The next day I woke up to an empty bed.
I breathed a sigh of relief.
My body ached everywhere. A throbbing sensation spread across the entirety of my back. I scratched my head and flinched at my own hand. I had forgotten.
Walking over to the closet mirror I saw the bruise that caused my cheek to swell. I licked the inside of my cheek, pushing my tongue against it. The pain heightened.
You're the one that started acting like a smartass when he came home yesterday.
"You're awake." I gasped at the sound of his voice and slowly turned.
I gave a small smile.
He returned the look.
My heart calmed itself.
Suddenly, his brows furrowed. He was only an inch away from me now. I held my breath. "Baby, wh-what happened to you...?" He whispered. He ran his hand down the swollen part of my face.
"I'm sorry," I choked out. He brought me into a tight embrace. My body ached at the loving gesture.
It hadn't been as bad as I really thought.