This is the longest chapter I have out right now, and I think the next ones are gonna be as long, if not longer. Hope you guys enjoy the twist ;) !!
If I'm your reflection
Then baby you must be an angel
Cause when the light, hits you just right
One could mistake you for a star
That is exactly what you are..
I've been playing this Jhene Aiko song all morning. And all night. It's the only song that keeps me calm. I've been replaying the events of yesterday afternoon all night and all morning. My mom wanted to know what that was all about when she came home, but to be totally honest I didn't know what to tell her. What was that all about?
But then the night takes over
And you are no where to be found
Your face in broken pieces
I studied all night for the quiz, which I think i'll do okay on, but in no shape or form am I ready for the rest of the day. Or even for English. I'm in the car with my dad with my headphones on full volume. Not even he can fix me right now.
My dad waved his hand in front of my face to get my attention. I shove my headphones off my face and onto my neck and listen to what he has to say.
"Your mother told me what she saw you doing yesterday Mike, do you wanna talk about it?" he asked with hope in his eyes.
"What is there to discuss? Nothing happened. It looked like he was gonna kiss me, but he didn't and why would he? He's totally straight and has no feelings for me like that." I say, breathless. "There's no more to say, but I appreciate you trying to understand my head. It must suck to have a gay son who you can't relate to" I say. This isn't the first time I've thought about it. I know my dad loves me no matter what, but I think it would be easier for him had I just assumed I was still straight.
"When I was in college I went through an experimental phase. I met some guys and had my share of fun Mike, so I know what it's like to kiss boys." This is so weird, not only did I just find out my dad was into boys at one point, but he's trying to relate it back to me, when I didn't even kiss Paul!
"Dad, gross! I didn't need to know that! And secondly I didn't even kiss him, he was like three inches away from me and then mom came and he ran off!" I yelled, even though I didn't really mean to, I'm just in shock and mad that everyone thinks we made out when I did no such thing. It's also really weird to know that my dad did stuff with guys when he was my age. He honestly does not look like the type of man to get involved with "my lifestyle", if that even makes any sense.
"I can tell that you wanted to son. You get all passionate when you say anything related to that boy it seems." I blush really bad, how was my dad able to pick up on that so fast? Maybe he did like boys at some point. "If he's what you want you have to at least try and see if he might like you back. He might not even be all that straight if he was that close to you."
"I can't just tell him I like him, there are rules and he's definitely straight dad, what kind of guy like him would go out with someone like me? Oh my god, I like him and the pizza guy just asked me out what is wrong with me?!"
I basically just spilled everything right then and there. As we hit a red light I can see my dad just absorbing all that I just said, but i have no idea how he's going to react.
Don't you look down, don't you look down..
Ashamed I couldn't see this, coming around..
"Listen to me, Mike, you are an amazing guy, and anyone would be lucky to be with you. I'm not just saying that because I'm your dad, but because I know you, and you are the best person I know. If you think this guy doesn't like you back, it's his loss and he'll figure it out if he turns out to be gay. As for the pizza boy, you know he likes you, so I suggest you give that a shot if anything."
This is why I love my dad, he always knows how to make me feel better. And he's right, Paul doesn't like me like that, but Craig does. So instead of feeling sad that Paul doesn't like me, I get excited for the fact that I now get to have my first gay date with a really cute guy.
We pull up to the school and I walk out of the car feeling like a million dollars.
**********
My mood shot down when I saw Paul in English today, it was one of the most gut wrenching moments of my life. He didn't even have any emotion on his face. I automatically realized that he regretted being so close to me. It wasn't even my fault, he came up to me, and I tried to put off my feelings and it's times like this where I wished I worked harder at shoving them away.
You're my reflection
So tell me why can't you be more clear
What's up with all these tears?
I just look down the entire period and keep my head down until class is over. I walk over to the desk up front and drop off my poem for the day. I wrote about the way he made me feel yesterday. All the good things anyways.
As odd as it sounds, I like being up in the air about what could happen, even though my heart could shatter at any second. My favorite thing is that you don't know what you'll get with him, but I'd be desperate enough to try if he were interested. If that sounds like a confession then so be it, I'm in no mood to deny anything.
Can't be regretting, all that you've done
And have undone, that shit don't matter here
What's up with all your fears?
You better consider, all of the good times..
A glimpse from the mirror, to tell me you're just fine, alright
I zone out in History class when I'm brought back to life by a text from Craig. I instantly smile like a fool, because he is so adorable. When I went to my locker to get my math book for the quiz next period, he sent me a picture of him at lunch looking so cute.
I wonder what it would be like to kiss him. My mind wanders to tomorrows date. Is he a first date kisser kind of guy? Is he really all about sex and that's it? Does he even really like me or is it all for a bet? Questions existing.
"I'm in science and there's this guy that looks like you but he isn't so I'm sad :(". I smile like a little kid at the candy shop and the girls next to me look at me like I just started smoking weed. As corny as this sounds, I'm high on happiness. I reply "You'll see me tomorrow, don't be sad :p."
Three minutes later: "I was hoping I could see you after school, my shift doesn't start until 6 today. Grab a bite???" To which I reply with, "Absolutely, if I do good on my quiz it's a celebration ;)."
"A celebration indeed :D, I'll pick you up after school. I think you get out at 2:20, so I'll just wait outside since I get out at one. #privateschoolperks." I love it when he randomly uses hashtags in his messages.
Just as I get excited to hang out with Craig today, I get a text from my mom saying she's shopping for Stephanie and that I have to pick up Bryce from school, which is literally three blocks away. My mom is such a cockblock.
"Would you mind if we had lunch with my little brother with us *crosses fingers tightly*?!" I send as the bell goes off.
When I'm outside of my math class, he replies with "absolutely :), as long as I get to see you."
I walk into my math class feeling like I have everything to be thankful for. This quizzes ass is mine.
**********
I come back to the table with my turkey sandwich and fries, and I got little Bryce some fish nuggets and peas, since mom said he needs to be eating more vegetables. He doesn't complain, in fact he might like peas more than the fish nuggets if I'm being honest.
Craig got himself a bacon egg and cheese on a roll, and it's making me reconsider my choices. I think he's noticing me staring at his sandwich. well being honest, that sandwich looks like god, I might end up stealing it from him. He puts his sandwich down and eyes me.
"I know you want my sandwich, so how about this: You take half of mine and I'll take half of yours." God his smile is so cute. I think he might have a dimple, or at least a really small one on his left cheek. We decided to go to this diner near the mini golf park that makes really good sandwiches. I think it was a random decision and just went into the first place that looked pretty good. We got lucky.
"Deal." I smile and I can feel my face light up when he smiles at my smile. If Bryce wasn't here right now this would be a perfect first date. It's good food, good conversation, and really good food. Bryce is sticking his nuggets in the tartar sauce while singing some song Craig had on in his car, and Craig and I are discussing how dark haired parents get blond-haired kids.
I feel a little brave, so I just decide to put it out there. "This is really fun, even with my little brother here with us. I'm glad you still wanted to go out." I said, not feeling self conscious about my words. Being around Craig makes me feel weightless, and this isn't even the official first date.
He smiles so brightly it makes my breathing hitch. His smile is the equivalent to what Paul's eyes do to me, but I like this a lot more for some reason. "I wanted to see you. Had I known you would agree I would have asked you out a long time ago." I got curious, when did he realize he liked me?
"How did you know you were into me. I mean, being totally honest, I always had a thing for you, but I never thought you'd like me that way." I take my last bite of his sandwich, my mouth watering as it goes down my throat.
"To be totally honest I liked you from the first day I started delivering to your house, which was almost a year ago." HE LIKED ME FOR ALMOST A YEAR?! IS THIS REAL LIFE?!?! "Your mom ordered two large pizza's and when you opened the door I felt like I was melting. Your eyes caught me off guard, because they're so..Beautiful." I immediately start blushing.
I look down and stuff a french fry in my mouth, and then Craig gets brave and holds my hand on top of the table. Even though I'm Elmo red, I don't move my hand away. I like his touch, and I think he notices that I try not to squirm away like an octopus. I totally forget Bryce is sitting next to me when he asks Craig if he is my 'special friend'.
"I'm not sure what that means, but if it means what I think it does, I'd like to." And there goes that smile again, just shooting me down. "Maybe if our official date goes as planned."
I groan mentally. He still hasn't told me what it is we're supposed to be doing, but I doubt I won't like it. I'll take being surprised. A movie date would be sufficient enough for me if anything. We decide to head out since Bryce is starting to look tired from sitting at the table. I pay for all of us, even though Craig insists on doing it himself. If I'm gonna be in a relationship with him, which I cannot believe I'm considering, it all needs to be equal. I pay, he pays; no more, no less.
The drive back to my house is anything but quiet. Me and Craig start singing Royals when it comes on the radio, and then as we pull up to the driveway Timber comes on, and that song is amazing to sing when you're with people in the car.
Bryce runs out of the car to the door, and before I get out I tell him I had a good time, and he said he did too, adding that damn smile. I told him I would text him when he got out of work, I didn't want him to crash on the road when he's driving the pizza's around. He smiled and I got out of his car. I walked up to my door feeling like I just won the lottery which, again in a lot of ways, I did.
********
"Aww Mike has a boyfriend! Is he gonna take my spot now?" Brad says over the phone and I'm picking up the slightest hint of Jealousy.
"Definitely, he'll be at all my sleepovers and take me away from our bro time." I roll my eyes as the words leave my mouth. "Of course he isn't going to replace you, and he's not even my boyfriend, we just went to eat. Plus Bryce was there so it wasn't ultra special." Even though it felt nice to be with him there, official or not.
"I can tell you like him Mike, you're not even making an attempt to hide it." He is right, I can feel it radiating on my skin. It's weird, but it's nice also. Even though I still like Paul, for stupid reasons I might add, the way Craig makes me feel when I'm around him makes me feel enhanced. I'm not even sure what that means but that's the best word to describe it. I feel so myself with him. Even when he was delivering pizza's and I said something stupid I felt like that.
"Whatever Brad." I smirk as I say that.
"Anyways, I think I found a way to sleep with S-" I hear a knock on my door, which is odd because no one ever knocks, they just pop in.
"Hold on, Brad." I get up and open my door, and Paul is standing there staring at me. For some reason, I don't stay frozen in place like I used to. I go back to my bed and tell Brad I'll call him back soon.
"Your dad let me in, if that's what you're thinking" he says. Typical dad, always trying to help when this only makes things worse. "I wanted to stop by and see if you were okay, you seemed zoned out in English today." I should be melting because he cared to ask, but I'm just mad now because he is the reason why I was so zoned out.
"I'm fine Paul, thank you for coming to check up on me, I just had a bad morning."
"You're lying. I know why you were so off and it's my fault. I shouldn't have led you on like that, and I'm really sorry." He knows he's been leading me on? What is this?
"Are you gay, Paul?" I ask, I have to know, because I can't keep guessing if he's into me or not.
"I might be." He says seriously. To be totally honest I was expecting a 'hell no' and that he would just walk out without another word. I still am expecting the second half.
"What's making you second guess everything all of a sudden?" I ask, curiosity growing inside of me.
"You."
WHAT. ME?! WHAT?!
"That doesn't make any sense, you can't possibly be standing here saying that I have flipped around things you thought you knew about yourself. Absolutely no way." I'm so shocked at this confession, what the hell am I supposed to do, or say for that matter?!
I should be happy because I have a chance now, but I feel confused and sad. He takes a seat on my chair near my computer and puts his hands in his hair, making it messy in an oddly attractive way.
"I've had a thing for you for a really long time, Mike. When I moved to this town when I was 11 you were the first person I saw coming to middle school, and something about you just drew me in, and it still draws me in, and I don't know why. I didn't like that you made me feel that way because you're a guy and my parents don't approve of that lifestyle, so I tried to keep myself on the right track, but all my female relationships have turned to shit. I can't repress this anymore. I like you Paul, and I hope this isn't egotistical but, I know you like me back."
I don't open my mouth for awhile, because I am so stunned by this confession, but at the same time there is credibility to it. He did move here around the time I started middle school, and I do remember seeing him around randomly wondering who he was, but I had no idea I was gay then. But he already thought something of me, which I have to admit is really sweet.
I should be jumping up, wanting to kiss him and land him on my bed and giving him my virginity or whatever, but I don't feel that. I just feel bad. I spent a year thinking I never had a chance, that I was just wasting time on liking a 'straight' boy, and the second someone else shows interest in me and I begin to slowly let the crush go, something like this happens. I hate that my life is like a sappy teenage movie, it's so annoying.
I hear my phone ring, but I just let it ring on the table. I'll call it back once I get my mouth correct.
"I don't know how to feel about this. Yes, Paul, I do like you. But I've been telling myself that it will never happen. You're too hot for me, too straight for me, etc. I've thought it all. I never created a scenario where you would actually want me. I never expected you to go for me, even if you were gay. I don't know how-" There is another knock at the door. Seriously, what is it with everyone knocking, no one ever knocks on my door!
I open it and I see Craig standing there with his uniform and a wallet that looks a lot like mine. Wait, I think it is mine. I might have left it in his car when he dropped me and Bryce off earlier. I see him look beyond me, and I realize Paul is in my room staring us down. I look back at Craig and he eyes me suspiciously. Oh god.
"Thank you for bringing my wallet back! Wait, it's almost seven, aren't you working tonight?" I ask curiously.
"I am, but your dad ordered pizza so I thought 'why not' I'm already here." He gives me that gorgeous smile again and I'm under his spell. I tell him to step outside and he does. I shut the door.
"I should explain why he's here. He came over and-" he pushes his finger to my lips and then he kisses me. I think I started melting when his lips touched mine. His mouth felt so amazing, and his breath smelled like juicy fruit gum, which I loved.
I never believed the myth of the first kiss being amazing and non-slobbery, because I thought it was total bullshit. With Alice, it was somewhat enjoyable, but the girl was rough, so that fed my belief more. But here I am, kissing this boy who is proving me wrong. It last about 20 seconds, and when he pulls away I want to grab him back and kiss him more, but he has work.
"I just really wanted to do that, I couldn't wait until tomorrow." He said as his face got red. My face reddened too, but for different reasons. I wanted him to do it again.
"I want you to do it again." I said, immediately snapping my mouth closed. I cannot believe I just said that out loud.
He smiles brightly, and I feel like the sun is shining in this dark hallway. This is not how I pictured getting my first gay kiss, but I can't imagine it any other way now.
"I have to get going, orders await me. But can I call you later tonight?" He asks.
"Absolutely." I smile brightly.
"I love it when your eyes smile at me too, it's amazing." He says, though I don't think I was supposed to hear it, but I did, and I smiled like a child then. God he's so cute. He gives my hand a quick squeeze and goes back downstairs to his car. I walk back into my room, and see Paul in the same position I left him in.
I quickly remember all the things that took place in this room before Craig kissed me, and then I suddenly felt bad. He just told me that he has feelings for me, and I just went and kissed another guy. But at the exact same time, he made me feel like I never had a chance, so yeah there's that.
He gets up from the computer chair and hands me a note, and walks out of the room and quietly closes the door. I immediately open the note and my mouth drops open.
Mike,
I will win you over. And to prove it we're going on a date Saturday night. And you'll see how much I want you to be with me. Be ready by 9.
P.S: I'll probably be writing about you tomorrow.
-P
I immediately grab my phone and conference call all of my friends and tell them everything. I want everyone to be on the same page and I don't even understand what to do.
The only thing I do know is that I want Craig to kiss me again.
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