What happened, Charlie?
I am taking up my last year in college. Second degree ko na ito. I joined the drama club to keep myself busy. I just got into a break-up. A month without him is pure hell. He was not my first, but I knew ---- that day that I met him, that he's gonna be my greatest love.
----
It was a rainy Saturday when I got a call from my Senior high adviser. Her name is Maria Crisostomo- Natividad. She asked if I could arrange a reunion for our batch, and I gladly said yes.
That day, I met a guy.
He was wearing a navy blue poloshirt.
His hair was disheveled.
His eyes were wandering.
And then they find mine.
That moment, I met my greatest love.
"Iniisip mo na naman ba si Charlie? I swear you have to be super occupied this year. Hindi enough ang drama club para makalimutan mo sya." I looked up and saw my bestfriend placing her books on the table.
I smiled at her, "Bestfriend instinct mo ba ang gumagana ngayon, Seandra?"
She sighed, "I love you so much, bestfriend..."
Dahan-dahan syang lumapit sa akin. His eyes were still looking at mine. He has this lopsided grin on his face. I swear my eyes were blinded by the light he produces. Alam nyo yung feeling na para kang nasa isang fairytale, tapos biglang dumating yung prince charming mo. Bumaba sya mula sa kabayong sinasakyan nya, at awtomatikong tumibok yung puso mo. Kulang nalang literal na mapanganga ka. You placed your hand above your eyebrows para maprotektahan ang mata mo sa ilaw na nagliliwanag habang sinusuklay ni prince charming ang kanyang buhok gamit ang kamay nya.
That was the same feeling that I felt when I saw him walking towards my direction. When he was already in front of me, lalo ko lang nakita kung gaano kaganda ang features nya.
"Hello," he said. He extended his right hand to me. We shook hands at napakislot ako dahil sa kung anong bagay na naramdaman ko.
"Hi..." sabi ko. It was almost a whisper. Ni hindi ko na masigurado kung narinig nya ba iyon. Napasinghap nalang ako noong hinalikan nya ang kamay na mismong ginamit ko sa handshake na nangyari.
"I am Charlie Agustin."
Charlie.
His name was Charlie.
I still remember the look on your face during the night that we met. I can still remember your eyes that shone so bright back then. But right now, they look lost. They are not shining anymore. The eyes that I loved back then.. those are the eyes that I fear right now. What happened, Charlie?
I closed my mac after typing my 30th letter to him. I heaved a sigh and tried to smile as I think of the memories we had. Sure, I am moving on. But that doesn't mean that I cannot -- that I won't reminisce what we had, what we created, and what we both felt that night of our first meeting.
"Sixth grader ako nuong una akong makatapak sa guidance. My mother was really devastated noon, ha. Who wouldn't be upset and so mad kung malaman mong nangbugbog ang anak mong 11 years old nang isang junior? Diniretso pa nga iyong junior na nabugbog ko noon, eh. My mother paid all his hospital bills tapos pumunta kami sa bahay nila after para makapag-sorry."
"And then what happened?" tanong ko.
He shrugged, "The junior quitted high school. They blamed me. And then one day I went to his family's house. Luckily, wala ang parents nya noon. Nag-doorbell ako. At pagkabukas nya ng pintuan, sinuntok ko sya.. and then I left."
"Ang bad mo!" Matawa-tawa kong sabi sa kanya sabay hampas sa braso.
"Well, I guess that's what you liked about me..."
Weekend. Hapon. Boring. Three words that might end up my life. Basically, I am a party girl. I party real hard. I get drunk then I pass out. I smoke and then aatakihin ako ng asthma. Ganoon ang buhay ko. Aside from studying, yun lang ang gawain ko. My mother got bothered -- big time! Syempre, iyong nag-iisa mong anak na babae, daig pa ang lalaki kung uminom at manigarilyo -- sino naman ang hindi mabo- bother doon, diba? She forbid me for partying. No liquors, no cigarettes, no parties. Bullshit.
"Bawal ka palang mag-party, eh. Then why are you here?" tanong nya sa akin.
I shrugged at saka ininom ang beer in can ko, "This isn't a party,"
"But we are drinking...?" natawa ako sa rason nya.
"But that doesn't mean that we are having a party. Silly!" sabi ko sabay hampas sa kanya. I started laughing real hard.
"Ah, ganoon ha! Eto'ng sayo!" He stood up at awtomatiko naman akong tumakbo palayo. He started running after me.
"AAAAAAHHHHHH!" sigaw ko nang mahuli nya ako. Inikot-ikot nya ako sa ere and when he finally stopped, dahan-dahan nya akong ibinaba.
His eyes were looking at mine again.
"We can do this again," sabi ko sakanya.
He nodded, "Yeah.." that sounded like a whisper. His voice was husky.
I smiled at him.
"You know what?" he asked.
"Hmmmn?"
"I am so in love with you,"
Can you still remember the day that you told me you love me? Because I do. I still do, Charlie. I was so happy back then that I nearly raped you. Sorry for that. Alam mo naman na sometimes I get aggressive, diba? Hmmm. Charlie, can you please say that you love me, again? Because I do, Charlie. I am still truly, madly, and deeply in love with you. I miss you. I miss you so much. And I want to ask you.. what happened, Charlie?
I sighed. Puro pagbuntong-hininga nalang ba ang gagawin ko kapag tapos kong magtype ng letter para sa kanya? I stood up from the swivel chair Charlie gave to me. It was his gift to me during our second anniversary. He knew that I always loved reading and writing so he bought me a chair where I could comfortable sit.
Naalimpungatan ako noong biglang may sunod sunod na nag-doorbell. I wore my robe at saka bumaba ng hagdan. I opened the gate and was shocked to see Charlie. Nakasandal ang isang braso nito sa gilid ng gate namin. Nakayuko ito. And when he looked up, naawa ako sa nakita ko. Kagat-kagat ni Charlie ang labi nya. Mamula-mula ang kanyang mga mata.
Hinapit nya ako palapit sa kanya. Nakasubsob ang ulo nya sa balikat ko. He was silently crying. Ramdam ko ang mainit na likido na tumutulo sa balikat ko.
"Charlie, anong nangyari?"
"I'm sorry that you can't meet my first love,"
That day, Charlie lost his mother.
Right now, I want to hug you. I want to ask what is wrong. I want you to say your problems to me again. I want to make you feel okay. What happened, Charlie?
"Oh, these times are hard. Yeah, they're making us crazy. Don't give up one me, baby. Oh, these times are hard. Yeah, they're making us crazy. Don't give up on me, baby."
Pumailanlang sa buong kwarto ko ang tugtog na iyon. I closed my eyes as I fight myself from crying again.
"She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart. While I'm drinking Jack all alone in my local bar and we don't know how. How we got into this mad situation, only doing things out of frustration. Trying to make it work, but, man, these times are hard.."
I opened my eyes and saw Charlie. Ang gwapo nya pa rin kahit video lang ang pinapanood ko ngayon. Tumigil sya sa pagkanta at pagtugtog ng gitara. Ngumiti sya sa screen at saka nagkamot ng ulo.
"Ganda, hindi dapat ito ang kinakanta ko ngayon. Ang plano ko talaga na kantahin, eh, yung Out of My League. Kaso, diba, favorite mo 'to? Pero sana talaga, hindi ka mag-give up sa akin -- sa ating dalawa."
Ngumiti ulit sya at saka nag-umpisa na namang mag-strum.
"She needs me now but I can't seem to find the time. I got a new job now on the unemployment line and we don't know how. How we got into this mess, is it God's test? Someone help us 'cause we're doing our best. Trying to make things work, but, man, these times are hard. But we're gonna start by drinking on cheap bottles of wine. Sit talking up all night, saying things we haven't for a while, a while, yeah. We're smiling but we're close to tears, even after all these years. We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time.She's in line at the dole with her head held high. While I just lost my job but didn't lose my pride, and we both know how. How we're going to make it work when it hurts, when you pick yourself up you get kicked to the dirt. Tryin' to make it work, but, man, these times are hard. "
Hinahaplos- haplos ko yung mukha nya sa screen. Kailan ba ako titigil sa kakaiyak? I am just so in love with him.
"Baby ko, honey, sweetheart, darling, cutiepie, ganda, sexy..."
Natawa nalang ako kahit na dire-diretsong tumutulo yung mga luha ko.
"I am inviting you to have dinner with me tonight, baby. Hep! Bawal tumanggi sa gwapo. Can you please wear the dress you wore when we first met? Bagay na bagay sa'yo iyon, eh. I'll also wear my navy blue poloshirt."
Tumayo ang Charlie na nasa video. Isa-isa nyang binuksan ang butones ng polo na suot nya. Natawa pa nga ako noong bigla syang nagtatakbo habang nakataas ang kamay at sumisigaw ng "Ako si Superman!" Suot nya iyong shirt na binili ko para sakanya.
"Okay, balik na ko sa pagkanta, ha? Wag mo kong masyadong tawanan!" Sabi ng Charlie sa video. Nakita kong unti-unti syang lumapit sa camera at saka hinalikan ito. Alam ko iyong part ng video na yon. It was a two-minute virtual kiss. I leaned over.
"I love you so much, Charlie..." bulong ko habang dahan-dahang lumalayo sa screen.
Hawak na nya ulit ang gitara nya.
"But we're gonna start by drinking our cheap bottles of wine. Sit talking up all night, doing things we haven't for a while, a while, yeah. We're smiling but we're close to tears, even after all these years. We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time. Drinking our cheap bottles of wine. Sit talking up all night, saying things we haven't for a while, a while, yeah. We're smiling but we're close to tears, even after all these years. We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time. Yeah, for the first time. Oh, for the first time
Yeah, for the first time. We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time."
Huminto ulit sya sa pagkanta. Yumuko sya at saka may kinuha sa lapag. Isa iyong aso.
"Ganda, say hi to our baby girl. I named her na, ha? She's Coleen Aguilar- Agustin. We can call her Collie."
Hinawakan pa nito ang isang binti ng aso at kinaway-kaway iyon. "Hi, Mommy Ganda.."
Hindi na nya ulit hinawakan yung gitara nya. Si baby Collie nalang na nakakandong sa binti nya. Hinihimas-himas nya ang balahibo nito.
"Oh, these times are hard, yeah, they're making us crazy. Don't give up on me, baby. Oh, these times are hard, yeah, they're making us crazy. Don't give up on me, baby...."
"Mahal na mahal kita, Agatha Aguilar. Happy 4th anniversary. Ikaw lang. Habang-buhay. I am so in love with you, future Mrs. Agustin."
The video ended at lalo akong napahagulgol.
"I am so in love with you, too, Charlie Agustin...."
Charlie, I watched the video again. Habang tumatagal, mas namimiss kita. How can I ever move on? Ni ayaw ko ngang kalimutan ka. You will always stay inside my heart, Charlie. Diba sabi mo, habangbuhay? So this is me, Charlie, writing how much I miss you.. writing how much you mean to me.. writing how much I love you.. writing how much your promise of eternity to me. Kahit na hindi na pwede.. Kahit na sobrang imposible na. Kahit na alam kong araw-araw malulungkot nanaman ako dahil hindi ako makamove-on mula sayo, mula sa mga alaala, at mula sa pag-iibigan natin. Charlie, umaasa pa rin ako sa habangbuhay na ipinangako mo. Kasi, kahit na pagod na pagod na ako, kahit na sobrang sakit na, ikaw pa rin. Ikaw lang. Araw araw tinatanong ko sa sarili ko, asan na yung habang buhay natin? What happened, Charlie?
"AAAAAAHHHHH!" Hingal na hingal akong bumangon. Ayan na naman. Bumabalik nanaman ang bangungot ko. I want this to stop.
Tumayo ako at saka naghilamos. Pagtingin ko sa wallclock, 2:48 a.m na pala. 12 minutes bago... bago... Napailing nalang ako. Nag-suot ako ng shirt at saka pinatungan iyon ng isang cardigan. Shirt, jeans, at rubbershoes. Nakakatawa lang isipin na ang dating party girl na Agatha na mahilig magsuot ng skirts, dresses, at heels ay nagji-jeans at rubbershoes na ngayon.
I started my car's engine. 40 minutes ang lumipas bago ako makarating sa kung saan ako dapat pumunta. Bumaba ako sa sasakyan ko. Naglakad ako at tumigil sa isang kwarto na may bakal na gate. Binuksan ko iyon. Sa loob nito, nakita ko nanaman sya. Madilim ang mga mata nya. Para syang isang batang nawawala.
Dahan-dahan akong lumapit sa kanya. Gusto ko syang hawakan.. kung pwede lang sana. Unti-unting tumulo ang mga luha ko..
"Don't cry, Agatha." Sabi nya. His voice was soft, dahilan kung bakit ako lalong napaiyak.
"I am so sorry..."
"Don't be. Ginusto mo ito, hindi ba?"
"No!"
"You wanted this, Agatha. Naalala mo pa ba noong una tayong nagkita? You were so pretty back then. Mahaba pa iyong buhok mo noon. Araw-araw lumalabas tayo. Para tayong sabik sa isa't isa noon. Araw-araw, walang mintis, tayong nagkikita. Pero anong nangyari sa'yo, Agatha? Para kang na-posess. Lagi kong tinatanong sa sarili ko noon kung mahal mo ba ako o naging obsession nalang ako sa'yo. Tapos lahat ng tanong ko mawawala kapag sinabi mo na sa akin na mahal mo ako. Kahit na lagi mo akong inaaway noon, sige lang. Mahal kita eh. Pero di ko kinaya, Agatha. Ang dami mong sinaktan. May kumausap lang sa akin, magagalit ka na. Manunumbat ka. Sisirain mo ang mga buhay ng mga taong malapit at sumusubok na lumapit sa akin."
"Because I am so in love with you!"
"So in love to the point that you killed me?"
"I.... I...."
"You killed me, Agatha. You killed me during our fourth anniversary. Naalala ko pa nga noong gabing yon, nang magpaalam kang magupunta sa powder room muna, nakita ko si Marian, iyong ex ko. She saw me, too. Lumapit sya and asked if she could join me. Pero sabi ko sakanya, kasama kita. Na kasama ko yung babaeng pakakasalan ko. She asked me if we could try again. But I told her that I am so in love with you. Sabi ko sakanya, pwede kaming maging magka-ibigan. She was so hurt, Agatha. So I hugged her. And then you saw us. You ran away. Ilang araw kang nagkulong sa kwarto mo at araw-araw din akong nandoon para subukang magpaliwanag sayo. Pero wala kang naririnig. Noong magiisang linggo ka ng hindi lumalabas sa kwarto mo, naglakas loob na akong sirain ang pinto. Lumapit ako agad sa'yo. I hugged you tight but you kept on pushing me away. Kung ano-ano ang sinasabi mo noon. Ni hindi na nga kita maintindihan. Pero tandang tanda ko pa iyong isa sa mga sinabi mo. Sabi mo galit ka sa akin at sa mundo. And right in front of me, sinubukan mong patayin ang sarili mo. If you could just see yourself back then, Agatha, ikaw mismo matatakot ka. Noong mismong sasaksakin mo na ang sarili mo, bigla kang tumawa at sinabing: Bakit hindi nalang ikaw ang patayin ko? Agatha, you killed me."
"No, no! Hindi totoo yan!" Sigaw ko. "Hindi yan nangyari! Nagsisinungaling ka!"
"I am telling the truth, Agatha. Pinatay mo ako."
Dahan-dahan akong napaluhod. "Hindi, hindi.. hindi kita pinatay..."
Nakita ko ang sapatos nya na nakahinto sa tapat ko. Lumuhod sya at saka hinawakan ang pisngi ko, "Mahal na mahal kita, Agatha... kahit na.. kahit na..."
"I am so sorry that I killed you. Hindi ko alam kung anong ginagawa ko noon. Sorry, sorry, sorry."
"Listen, Agatha. Mahal kita..."
"I know. Natatakot ako. What happened to me, Charlie? I changed. I killed you..."
"Mahal mo ba ako, Agatha?"
Tumango ako, "Ikaw lang, Charlie..."
Ngumiti sya, "Mahal din kita.." sabi nya habang unti-unti syang nawawala.
Pilit ko syang inaabot pero palayo sya ng palayo. Gusto ko pa syang makasama...
"I am so in love with you, Charlie." Sabi ko. I closed my eyes. Kinuha ko iyong pocketknife na nasa bag ko in case of emergency.
"Sono così innamorato di te. Mi avevi promesso un'eternità .. e sono molto disposti a dare di nuovo a voi. Fino eternità, Charlie."