*Friday the 24th February 2017*
Victoria's POV
I looked at myself one more time in the mirror before sighing. I guess I look alright. Today is my appointment with the psychiatrist and I'm really nervous. I know how they work. I know how the should act and how they should handle certain situations. I am one, remember?
I walked out of the room after grabbing my phone and saw Ross sitting on the couch, watching some weird television show about people constantly falling and making fools out of themselves. After he heard my sandals he smiled at me. "You look beautiful, darling," he smiled and I blushed lightly. "Thank you," I said quietly and sat down next to him. "What time is your appointment?" he asked and I looked at the time on my phone. "In about fifteen minutes. The place is near here so," I shrugged and he nodded. "I'm here for you," he said as he squeezed my hand and I shot him a small smile. "Thank you. I should probably go. Don't wanna be late," I said and he nodded. "Should I drive you?" he asked and I shook my head. "No it's fine. I'm taking my car. I'll see you later," I said and gave him a quick peck before standing up. "See you later," Ross said as I grabbed my purse and started walking through the door. After I closed it I sighed and leaned against it. "I love you," I whispered to myself before walking away.
÷÷÷
"Miss Kors," a woman smiled at me and I stood up. "Hello my name's Kayley. Please follow me," she said and we walked up the stairs of the house before walking into her office. All the rooms were redesigned into offices and different psychiatrists works here. "Please sit down. Make yourself comfortable," Kayley said as I placed my purse on a chair and sat on a comfy looking couch.
"So, Victoria, before we start tell me something about yourself," Kayley said as she sat down across from me on another couch with a notepad and a clipboard in her hands. Kayley was probably in her mid thirties. She had long blonde hair with brown eyes and she was a curvy woman. She was really pretty. After we both told each other some stuff about ourselves she took a pen into her hand.
"Tori why did you decide to come and talk to me. What's bothering you?" Kayley asked as she looked into my eyes and I could feel myself crumbling. "I just-" I cut myself off with a sigh as tears started welling up in my eyes as she handed me a box tissues. "Take your time," she coaxed and I took a deep breath. "I want to be fine again. I want to be okay again and happy and I hate that someone took that away from me. I want myself back," I said as I blinked frequently to get the tears away. "Who took you away from yourself, Tori?" Kayley asked as she scribbled on the paper. "A lot of people. My dad, Damon, my uncle. A lot of people," I shrugged as she continued scribbling. "Let's start with your uncle what happened there?" she asked.
"You're gonna have to start this on a blank page,"
÷÷÷
"When your mom got diagnosed with the cancers how did you feel?" Kayley asked and I felt my heart starting to rip to shreds even more. This is getting too much. "Can we please take a two minute break?" I begged as my voice cracked and she nodded. "How about I go make us some strong tea?" she suggested and I nodded, wordlessly. She placed down her clipboard before walking out of the room, leaving me with my own thoughts.
I wiped my eyes for the 10 000th time and took in a shaky breath. We've only talked about my uncle and now she wants to know about my mom. My heart feels abused. Like an old washcloth.
After a few minutes she stepped back inside with a serving tray in her hands. "I think you need a strong and sweet cup. Three?" she asked as she pointed to the sugar and I nodded. "Here you go," she said after adding in the sugar and I thanked her. After she also made herself a cup she sat down again. "I'm glad that you asked for a break. I can see that this is getting too much for you. We'll take it slow. I don't want to make you feel worse when you go home," she said and I nodded.
After finishing our delicious tea, she grabbed the clipboard again. "Do you want to continue?" she asked and I nodded. "That's fine," I said and I leaned back slightly before taking a deep breath. "When my mom got diagnosed with cancers I had a lot of feelings. I was angry, sad, confused. Angry because she was such a good person and something that awful happened to her. Sad because I knew what her chances were of surviving two different cancers at one. And I was confused because I've always done everything right, you know? I followed the rules and so did my mom. She was a person who like to help others. She was amazing. She was a big Christian. I was confused because if God can do absolutely anything, why didn't he save my mom or stop this from happening? If he's almighty then why doesn't he stop all this bad things from happening to good people?" I questioned myself and she quickly scribbled.
I waited for her to stop writing and tell me about how we won't ever have those answers or something like that. She looked at me and nodded. "Go on," "That's it? You aren't going to tell me about how wrong it is to wonder something like that?" I asked and she shook her head. "Nope. You have every right to feel that way," she said and I nodded slightly. "What happened after your mom's passing?" she asked. "This is where Damon makes his grand entrance," I sighed and she started on a new page.
÷÷÷
"And then they found me in my house," I sobbed before closing my mouth with my hand as my body shook. "Let it out, Tori," Kayley said as I cried my heart out like never before. I desperately tried to calm myself down as I closed my eyes and took deep breaths while sobbing.
God this is hard!
"Take your time," her soft voice ran through the office as another sob escaped me.
After a minute or two I grabbed a tissue and wiped under my eyes. "I'm sorry," I said and she furrowed her eyebrows as she crossed her legs. "Is that something you say often?" she suddenly asked and I started thinking. "Yeah," I admitted softly and she nodded as wrote something. "What are you sorry for?" she asked and I thought about it for a moment. "For putting people through all the drama I put them through. Everywhere I go there's drama involved. It's like I cause chaos," I admitted as another tear leaked out of my eye. "Have you ever sensed that people think you're putting them through too much drama?" she asked and I nodded. "Yes," "Like who?" "Ross. He can have any girl in the world yet he chose me. I don't know why. I mean I'm a screwup. I'm shattered and I feel like I can't give him everything he wants," I said as tears leaked out of my eyes. "Do you blame yourself for everything that's happened?" Kayley asked and I shrugged.
"I don't know. I mean I couldn't have done everything, but I just feel like Ross's life would be so much easier without my in it," I admitted and she frowned.
"Tori I promise you that that's not the way Ross feels. You guys have been through a lot together. I think that if he wanted to leave he would've done it a while ago," Kayley said. "I know that. I don't know what's wrong with me," I said as I buried my face in my hands. "You're drinking antidepressants right?" she asked and I nodded. "Does it feel like they're helping you?" she asked and I shook my head. "No. I feel worse and worse everyday," I said and heard her writing again. "What type of pill is it and how strong?" she asked and I told her all the stuff. "Are you free tomorrow?" Kayley asked and I looked at her through my fingers. "I think so. Why?" "I want to have another session with you tomorrow. I think we should maybe do daily sessions or every other day. Just in the beginning. See how it goes. Maybe you need a stronger pill or maybe you just need to talk with this to someone who doesn't know everything. That's me. When does Ross's tour start?' Kayley asked me. "Beginning March. The 4th," I said and her eyes lit up. "This is actually exactly what you need! You are going with, right?" she asked and I nodded. "This will be great for you. To get away from here and forget about everything. I want to see you tomorrow and then everyday until you guys leave. Try and get Ross to clear an hour of his schedule. I want to talk to him too on Wednesday,"
÷÷÷
"Tori I need you to confirm something," Kayley said as she leaned back and I nodded. We just got finished talking about everything that happened during and after the rape. "When you got home from the hospital, you were busy planning everything for your business. After that you went to New York for the fashion show. Then you moved to Cali, unpacked there and then the court trial started," she said and I nodded.
"Do you see what happened?" she asked and I kept silent. You should be giving me the answers. "Tori you never actually gave your body time to heal. You were always busy. Tori you didn't go to a psychiatrist after this happened or talk to someone or any of that. Honey your body is catching up to you. You never gave it time to rest and now its collapsing. You need to stop and be relaxed right now-" "I can't be. I have tons of stuff I have to make for Melanie-" "There are other people that can make sure stuff is going fine. You have inspectors and all that. They're there for a reason. Design all the outfits, but don't go into the factory or office. Stay at home. Sure go and have dinner with Ross and have fun with friends, but don't do something that stresses you out. Remember to drink your pills, too. If the pills aren't working then we may have to get you stronger ones. Just relax okay. Give this to Ross for me. Don't read it," she said sternly as she wrote on a piece of paper and I waited for her.
"Our time's up for today. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" she asked and I nodded as she handed me a piece of paper.
÷÷÷
I sighed as the elevator opened and I walked down the hall. I opened our door and walked further into the house before walking into the kitchen. I put my purse on the counter and heard footsteps behind me. "Hi," I heard a female voice say causing me to spin around in shock. I calmed down slightly when I saw Laura, Ross's old costar, standing there.
"Hello," "I'm sorry if I gave you a fright. I'm Laura," she said as she opened her arms and I accepted the hug. "I'm Tori. It's nice to meet you," I smiled and she grinned brightly. "You too! I've heard so much, but never got a chance to meet you. I hope you don't mind we're here, but Raini, Calum and I were in the neighborhood and we wanted to say hi," she said and I grinned. "No I don't mind at all! I'm glad you four still keep in touch," I said and she smiled in a content way. "Yeah we were really close. I'm sure you saw all the stuff about Ross and I online, but I want to assure you that there's nothing going on between us. We're just good friends that's all. Honestly it was really awkward kissing him on Austin & Ally. It was like kissing my dad," she said with a horrified face and I laughed at her face. A real laugh.
÷÷÷
"Bye guys," I waved as they walked down the hall before closing the door. That was actually kinda fun. Calum was completely insane which is very entertaining. Raini is so nice and bubbly and Laura and I immediately clicked. I really like Laura.
As I walked into the kitchen I noticed Ross reading the letter the psychiatrist wrote him. His brows were furrowed and he was biting his lip. He always does that when he's concentrating. It's adorable. After another few second he folded up the note and smiled at me. "How was the session?" he asked as he sat down at the island and I joined him. "Emotional," I shrugged as I played with my fingers and looked down at them. "I'm here for you, babe, and I'm never gonna leave your side. Please always know that," Ross said as he grabbed my hand and gave it a light squeeze.
"I like your hands," I said as I grabbed one and ran my gentle fingers over it. "Yeah?" Ross asked and I nodded. "I love the way they feel. They're so rough, but you always have a gentle touch with me. I like that," I said softly as I squeezed his hand. "Well I'm glad. You know some girls like my hair and you like my hands. That's something new," he said and I smiled lightly. "I like a man's hands. Don't get me wrong I love your hair. Your hair makes you look younger," I said as I looked up at him and he rose an eyebrow. "Really?" he asked and I nodded as I stood up and stood between his legs. "Yeah, but I like it," I said as a ran a gentle hand through his hair. I ran my thumb over his eyebrow before tracing his jaw. I was inspecting every little thing about him. Taking my time to soak him in. Almost like I'm afraid I'm gonna lose him. "I love your eyes. It's the most beautiful green I've ever seen," Ross said and I looked into his hazel eyes. "Yeah?" "Yeah. I also like your ears,"
We stood there for about an hour. Just telling each other what we really love about each other. It was peaceful. We were content.
÷÷÷
"Hey, Michelle," I greeted her as I gave her a hug and she immediately hugged me tightly. "Hey, Tori! How have you been?" Michelle asked and we let go. Stormie and Mark are holding a huge barbecue today. The whole family including me, Michelle, Savannah and Ratliff are going to be there. Also mini R5 is coming. "I've been alright. You?" I asked and she swallowed. "Alright. Listen Tori can I talk to you later? Privately?" Michelle asked softly and I furrowed my eyebrows. "Yeah sure," I said and Ross walked into the front door. After they also greeted each other the three of us walked to the backyard only to see that mini R5 was already here. "Were you nervous?" I asked Michelle with a small smirk and she nodded. "They're a really big family," she said and I chuckled. "Don't worry I know how you feel," I said and she looked at the engagement ring on my finger.
"Tori!" I heard an excited voice yell loudly before someone tackled my legs. I looked down and saw that it was Bauer Crone, the youngest child from Stormie's side of the family, and my heart fluttered. "Hey, Bauer," I said just as excitedly before kneeling down and he threw his arms around my neck. "I missed you, little guy," I cooed as I held him close to me. "I missed you, too, Tori," he said before kissing my cheek and I grinned. I saw Ross looking at us with adoration in his eyes and a grin on his face. "Are you quite done with my fiancée, young man?!" Ross yelled jokingly before picking Bauer up and he giggled. "Tori's mine!" Bauer yelled and Ross rose an eyebrow. "Oh really now?" Ross asked before tipping Bauer around so that Ross was holding his feet and Bauer was upside down. Hysterical giggles escaped Bauer's mouth as Ross walked to the rest of his family and I followed him. By the time we got to the patio Bauer was red in his face and laughing loudly.
Before we go further let me explain everything. Okay so Stormie has a sister and a brother. Her brother's name is Shor De St Jeor and he has four kids. First there's Gus. He's mini Ratliff. He's currently 15 and turning 16 this year. He's the eldest. Then there's Gordy. He's 14, turning 15 and he is mini Rocky. He's the second eldest. Then there's Gil-B. He's 12, turning 13 and mini Ryland. They youngest member of the De St Jeor family is Gator. He's 10, turning 11 and mini Ross.
Then there's Stormie's sister, Shae Crone. She's the youngest sister. She has three kids. The eldest son is Boston Crone. He's 12, turning 13 and he's mini Riker. Then the only girl of all of them, Beauty Crone. Beauty is 10 years old and, obviously, she is mini Rydel. Then the youngest one in the family, Bauer Crone (my secret lover). He's 6 years old, turning 7 and he's also mini Ryland. The Crones were here from Colorado.
"Hello, honey," Shae said as she pulled me into a hug. "Hi, Shae. It's good to see you again," I smiled and she grinned back. "Hey!" Gus yelled before pulling me into a hug. "Hey, Gus. How you been?" I asked before we pulled away and he smiled. "I've been good, you?" "I'm alright," I smiled. "Tori!" Gordy, yelled enthusiastically as he flung himself at me and I giggled. "Gordy!" I yelled back and he chuckled before letting. "Hi," Gil-B said before he also gave me a hug. "Hey, Gil," I said before we pulled away. "Hey, Tori," Boston said before pulling me into a tight hug. "Hey, Boston. How've you been?" I asked and we pulled away. "I've been goo-" "Tori!" a loud shriek cut him off before someone hugged my waist. "Hi, Beauty!" I said excitedly before bending down and hugging her. After I greeted everyone Beauty ran to Ross. "There's one of my most favourite girls in the world!" Ross yelled as he picked her up and she giggled before cuddling into him causing me to smile.
"How have you been?" Shae asked as she turned to me and I smiled at her. "I've been alright, you?" "Are you sure?" she asked and I nodded. "I'm fine," I reassured her and she nodded.
÷÷÷
"Tori I think I may have a problem," Michelle said later that night as we were both standing alone in the kitchen and I looked at her. "What's wring?" "Don't freak out," she started as she took a deep breath. "I'm late," she said and my eyebrows shot up. "You're late. As in late, late?" I questioned and she nodded slowly. "And since we got here I've been throwing up," she continued slowly and my eyes grew wide. "Oh," was all I managed to squeak out and she nodded. "How do I know for sure? Like I know I can buy stuff, but I don't want to act suspicious," she said and I nibbled on my bottom lip. "I'll go with you. We can buy you a test. Rydel and Sav already went somewhere so we'll say we're going to get more ice. We need ice anyway," I said and she nodded. "Thank you for helping me," she smiled and I nodded.
÷÷÷
"Will you wait with me?" Michelle asked as she opened the bathroom door and I nodded before walking inside and closing the door behind. We stood against the counter as we waited for my phone's timer to go off. "What do you think Rocky will do when he finds out?" Michelle asked and I smiled softly. "You don't have to worry about that. He won't leave you with this baby. He'll never do that. He's crazy about you, Michelle. He's not leaving you," I said and she nodded. "You're right. He's not the type of person to leave me alone with a child. But what about his career? He's still young and the band is only getting more successful. What happens when they go on tour?" Michelle asked and I smiled at her. "Then we go with. I'll buy another tour bus myself if it means that all of us go with. Don't worry about that. Rocky is not going to leave you. No matter what. He's in love with you, Michelle. You're not going anywhere," I reassured her and she smiled. Suddenly my phone's timer went off and she looked at me with scared eyes. "Will you look please?" she begged and I nodded before looking at the three different brands of pregnancy tests. Well if that's the answer to all three it can't be incorrect.
I turned back to Michelle and she looked at me desperately. "And?" she asked and I leaned against the cabinet again. "Before I tell you do you want to have children with Rocky? Do you see him holding your future child in your arms?" I asked and she was silent for a moment before grinning. "I would love to have his children," she said and I smiled. "You're going to have a beautiful baby, Michelle," I said and tears filled her eyes. "I'm pregnant," she said excitedly before laughing happily and pulling me into a tight hug.
÷÷÷
Trigger warning
After I promised Michelle not to tell anyone about the baby, and we had dinner, we came back home. I sighed to myself as I looked into our bathroom mirror. Why can't I be okay? I just want to feel okay again.
Suddenly my eye caught my spare pack of razor blades laying in the open drawer. Slowly, my hand starting reaching out for it before grasping the plastic material and bringing it closer to me. I opened the lid and my eyes carefully looked over the blades. I carefully took one out of the packet before placing the rest down on the cabinet. I slowly rolled my left sleeve up and looked at the razor again. I placed the razor against my left wrist and the familiar feeling traveled through my body. My heart was racing and adrenaline was racing through my veins. I applied pressure to my wrist before taking a deep breath.
'This is for putting Ross through so much drama,' I told myself in my head before pressing down the blade and moving it downwards. A sigh of relief escaped my mouth as I saw blood starting to seep out of my freshly cut skin and into the white basin.
'This is for being such an awful daughter,' I told myself again before making another cut just above my first one. 'This if for not being able to save your mom,' I told myself in my head before making another cut. I took a deep breath before letting the razor drop to the floor and I grabbed a navy blue washcloth that was hanging over our bathtub. I quickly made it wet before wringing it out and I pressed it onto my wrist. I hissed in pain as the cloth made contact with my raw, cut skin before applying more pressure to it. I took in a deep breath as my hands shook and I continued applying pressure. After a minute I grabbed some bandages from the first aid we had in our bathroom and I wrapped some around my wrist.
After I made sure it wasn't bleeding too badly anymore, I washed all the blood from the washcloth and pulled down my sleeve again. Luckily it was cold tonight. I quickly cleaned up all the blood before leaning against the wall.
After another minute I walked out and noticed Ross laying in the bed on his phone. "Hey," I said as I climbed into bed and he smiled at me. "Hi," he replied before allowing me to snuggle closely to him. Watching him scroll through Twitter.
"I'm gonna call someone," I said as I stood up and he looked at me. "Okay. Who you gonna call?" he asked and I smirked lightly. "Ghost Busters," I said and he laughed at me before I walked out of the room with my phone. I dialed the number that I knew by heart before sitting down on the couch. It rang for a couple of seconds. "Hey, Tori," his voice grumbled into the phone and my stomach dropped. "I'm sorry, Liam. I just realised we had a time difference," I said guilty and he chuckled. "Don't worry about it. My alarm was just about to wake me up. So what's up?" Liam asked and I sighed softly. "Nothing much. Just wanted to hear how you're doing," I said and he hummed. "I'm alright. Very excited about the baby. Can't wait till he's here," Liam said and I grinned. "It's a boy?" "We don't know actually. We're keeping it a surprise. We don't want to call the baby 'it' so I'm calling it a boy and Cheryl's calling it a girl," Liam explained. "She's going to make a wonderful mother. How is she doing?" I asked. "She's alright. Been more tired lately because of the baby, but she's just as excited. They're both doing good. How are you doing?" Liam asked and I heard a door opening and closing. "I'm uh-" I cut myself off as I realised that I didn't really know what to say. "Talk to me, love," Liam's gentle voice said through the phone and I curled myself up into a ball. "I'm seeing a psychiatrist," I whispered and it was silent. "About the..." Liam trialed off and I nodded slowly. "Yeah. I just haven't been myself lately and I need to figure out what's wrong. I'm not fine, Li," I admitted to him softly and heard him swallow. "I'm always here for you, Tor. Please don't forget that. I'm proud of you for talking to someone. I'm here if you want to take a break from it all. I'm here," Liam reassured me and a tear slipped down my face. "I miss you," I spoke slowly. "I miss you too. I miss you too," Liam said. "We should get together sometime. I want to talk to you about something before the baby is born," Liam said and I took my tablet that was laying on the table. "When did you say you were going to Orlando again?" I asked and Liam thought for a moment. "Monday the 6th, why?" "That's where R5's first show is. On Monday. Maybe we could meet up," I said and he hummed. "We should do that, but I need to talk to Ross too," Liam said.
After I ended the phone call with Liam I called Kyle, Jasper and my dad and told them the same stuff. About how I'm seeing a psychiatrist and stuff like that. They all told me that they were here for me and stuff like that. After talking to everyone I slipped back into bed next to Ross who was still on Twitter. I placed my head onto the pillows before snuggling into our feather blankets. "I love you," I told Ross and he looked at me with a soft smile. "I love you, too," he said before leaning over and kissing my cheek.