"Did you hear?" Jared asked. He was waiting with Paul by her locker. Hannah was a little distracted due to the dirty looks she'd been getting all day.
"Hear what?" She asked, shutting her locker and walking between both the boys to lunch. They acted as if they were shielding her from something.
"Sam ended things with Leah," Jared told her and Hannah froze. Paul looked down at her and frowned before she started walking again.
They stood in the lunch line and Hannah looked around only to find Sam sitting alone at a different lunch table. It was closer to her normal table than his old one had been.
"You didn't know anything about this?" Paul asked and Hannah shook her head as they took their seats.
"Why would I?" She asked.
"There's a rumor going around that you're the reason they broke up," Paul told her and Hannah's heart dropped.
"No." She moaned and covered her face. "I've been getting dirty looks all day. Everyone thinks I broke them up."
"You had nothing to do with it?" Paul asked again and Hannah looked up with furrowed eyebrows.
"I said I didn't. Why isn't that enough for you?" She asked and he shrugged.
"Was down at the beach this morning. Early, about four am. Couldn't sleep, went for a run." Hannah's breath got stuck in her throat and she looked away from Paul.
"That was nothing." Hannah insisted and Paul shook his head in disgust.
"I was trying to tell myself it wasn't you, that you wouldn't do that." Paul pushed his chair back and took his lunch with him to the football team and sat at their table. Jared offered her a half smile and followed him, leaving her alone.
She swallowed and looked down at her own lunch before grabbing her tray and throwing her lunch in the trash. She could feel eyes on her and she stormed from the cafeteria.
This wasn't fair. She had been good, she resisted Sam. She tried to fight her feelings for him. Hannah had never been a bad person, she cared for everyone she met.
She'd been more of a mother to her mother than the other way around. She's been a good daughter, always good grades and always willing to work. She'd been a great older sister.
But it wasn't enough. Her mother still killed herself, her dad still crept into her room every night and her brother lived in fear of Alo's anger.
Now everyone knew she was responsible for ending a perfect relationship if she had ever seen one. Hannah knew nothing she ever did would be enough. She could push her whole life and she'd still get nothing she wanted in life.
The warning bell went for class and Hannah ignored it, sitting on the counter with her back to the mirrors. She wiped her eyes again and sniffled lightly. When the door opened she looked up and found Sam hurrying in, flipping the lock on the main door.
"You're not supposed to be in here," Hannah told him and he sighed, walking closer.
"Well, I had to check on you. I heard what Paul said to you earlier." Sam said and moved to stand in front of Hannah.
"How could you possibly have heard that?" Hannah asked in exasperation and Sam sighed.
"It doesn't matter, what matters is that you're hurting and it's all my fault." Sam sighed and lifted a hand to her face. Although Hannah usually welcomed his touch now was not the time and she moved her face away, leaving his hand hovering awkwardly.
"What are you hoping for? Do you think you and I will just start dating and automatically things will be okay? That no one will judge us?" Hannah asked and Sam dropped his hand.
"Hannah, I didn't love Leah anymore," Sam whispered and Hannah blinked at him.
"So what, you love me?" She asked and he covered his face with one hand before shrugging. "No, you don't Sam."
"Listen, it's not like I switch between whatever girl takes my fancy. There's more to this than just teenage hormones." Sam sighed and Hannah swallowed.
"There's nothing to this. We are nothing and that will never change because I can't do that to Leah. I'd hate myself." Hannah whispered. Sam reached up again, cupping her cheek and this time she let him.
Whatever this was had to end, soon. She couldn't let him make her look any worse than she already did. She was enjoying the last of it while she could.
"Hannah." He whispered gently and she swallowed before she made her final decision and kissed him. The kiss was soft and innocent. When she pulled away she pushed him back and hopped off the counter.
She wouldn't be going to the beach anymore. As of now, she was done with Sam Uley. For her own good, she had to quit now. Now that she knew what it felt like to be kissed by someone who liked her for her it was time to give up.
~@~
"You look sad," Collin told her from across the table. Hannah looked up from her meal to find her father and Collin both looking at her and smiled softly at them both.
"I'm just thinking about some things. I'm okay bud." Hannah assured him and he smiled happily, content in the knowledge that she didn't lie to him. She felt guilt eating her alive because all she did was lie to him.
Hannah had done some searching and found out that unless she reported Alo then there was no way of getting guardianship of Collin. Which would be near impossible to get because she was only just eighteen and has no job or qualifications.
She was back at square one but the only difference was now she had given Alo permission to hurt her more. She didn't care if it stopped him from hurting Collin but it would be harder to hide.
It sent her down dark paths of thinking. She wondered if her dad had actually ever raped her because every time he'd done it she'd told him she wanted him. She'd given in to him and submitted to his desires.
Hannah had only ever approached the topic once with her father. She had asked him after the first night why he was in her room and he had looked so confused that she thought she had dreamed it up. He claimed he had no memory of even going to bed.
Hannah had Googled it and had come to the conclusion that her dad had some sort of dementia or Alzheimer's triggered by her mother's suicide. She was no expert of any sort but one had stood out to her more than others. Sundown syndrome was something that affected the patient around sunset.
Hannah was waiting for the day when it started earlier. When her father was convinced she was her mother all the time. That's when Hannah found it risky enough to make being split from Collin worth it.
Until he was in direct danger she would do nothing different. She would find a job after graduating and she'd live in La Push for the rest of her life.
Collin cleaned up the dishes and refused Hannah's help to clean them, leaving her alone with Alo who smiled gently at her.
"You sure you're okay?" Alo asked and Hannah sighed. She loved her father and she trusted him more than anyone in the world, before half eleven at night. Did that make her stupid?
She was convinced he was sick and in all of his years he never once gave her any reason to think otherwise. Hannah liked to think of Alo as two different people. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide.
"Boy trouble. A boy told me he loved me today." Hannah said and Alo smiled.
"Usually not something to be upset about, the Cameron boy?" Alo asked and she shook her head.
"No, a boy who barely knows me," Hannah said and her father nodded, fixing his glasses.
"So he doesn't really know you, it's infatuation." He said and Hannah nodded, glad someone else understood.
"Exactly! He expects me to just jump into a relationship with him even though he just got out of one." Hannah said and her father smiled gently.
"Han, teenage boys are like that. Follow your gut and you'll be fine. It's certainly not gonna be the last time a boy thinks his life revolves around getting the girl." He told her and she smiled.
"Thanks, Daddy." Hannah smiled and covered his hand with hers before standing from the table.
"I'm going to do my homework," Hannah told him and he smiled, leaning back in the chair.
"Don't forget.."
"Light's out by eleven thirty, I know Dad." She promised and smiled before going in search of Collin to remind him to do his own homework.
He was waiting for her in the living room, perched on the coffee table with his math book out and ready. She joined him and worked through her own homework, helping Collin with his when he struggled.
When he finished she let him watch tv while she finished her own before herding him to bed at ten-thirty and telling him a story. Before she left the room he caught her hand and pulled her down so he could kiss her on the cheek.
"Happy tears, right?" He asked and she nodded, offering him a smile.
"Always buddy, how could I be anything but happy when I'm with you and Dad?" Hannah asked and Collin smiled, letting her go.
She stopped outside his door and swallowed harshly, inhaling as deep as she could before trying to remember what she used to do before she visited the beach every night.
She remembered slipping from the bed and showering and then sleeping on the couch. It made tears well in her eyes when she realized she was back to being alone with her thoughts and anger.
Her room was empty when she got to it and it made her sigh in relief. All too often Alo was waiting for her when she came to her room now and it always shocked her.
She changed into pajamas and took her hair out of its ponytail, letting it fall down her back. She moved to look out the window and she watched the moon tonight. It was rare she could see it and she smiled as she thought of the story her mother used to tell her.
"How can I make you remember me?" The moon whispered to the sun long ago.
And with one of the most beautiful replies, the universe has ever known the Sun smiled and spoke.
"Give me half the sky."
Hannah listened when the door open and shivered when fingers threaded through her hair and Alo began to braid it slowly, taking his time to pull the hair together loosely.
"Hannah has a boyfriend. I don't like it." Alo spoke and Hannah flinched at the anger in his tone.
"Alo, maybe we shouldn't tonight," Hannah whispered and Alo pulled her braid back so that her head tilted back against his shoulder behind her.
"We made a deal. Unless you're thinking about taking it all back. I'll go into and wake the boy if that's what you want." Alo warned and Hannah shivered.
"No, it's just you're angry. Maybe we should talk instead." Hannah suggested and Alo scoffed.
"You promised me I could be rough Han, are you taking it back?" Alo asked and Hannah shook her head with her eyes closed tightly.
"No, Alo I'm not." She whispered.
"You need to learn to stop fighting me Abey," Alo warned and she swallowed. "Tell me you want me."
"I want you," Hannah whispered quietly.
~@~
Hannah had showered and she was now lying on the sofa and staring out the window at the moon. The usual sick feeling had invaded her stomach but it felt worse. She didn't understand why she kept replaying the night in her mind, usually, she forced herself to forget it all immediately but she couldn't.
You promised I could be rough Han.
You promised I could be rough Han.
He'd called her by her name. Not only her name but his nickname for her. He wasn't sick, not in the way she thought he was.
He knew what he was doing, braiding her hair. How could she have missed it? Her mother used to always have a braid in her hair and when Abey and Alo would be kidding around he'd often tug on it but Abey never let Hannah braid her hair, even when all the girls in school were doing it.
Hannah just made it to the kitchen sink in time to be sick. She threw up everything she had in her and then pushed her head under the tap and drank from it before spitting the water back out.
She was out the door in seconds, running away from the monster inside. She had to get Collin out of there and she needed to leave. Leave town, leave the state. She couldn't stay anymore.
She was at the beach and found him waiting even though the sun was already beginning to rise.