"She won't be happy if she sees that."
I told Josh miserably as I showed him a screenshot of a skirt I liked. I've always liked 'girly' clothes even as a child. All the other boys in kindergarten liked cars and sports and I liked pink and pretty things. Unfortunately, society has created gender norms making me out to be the freak though I didn't really think I was, neither did Josh. I've always been an outcast, never truly able to fit in no matter how hard I tried.
"Who cares what she thinks."
Josh tipped his head back and exhaled the smoke he was retaining in his lungs. I watched how his neck curved elegantly as he did so. He snapped his head back up to look at me.
"She's a bitch."
I burst out laughing at his monotonous expression causing him to chuckle too. I lay back in the grass and Josh followed suit. I watched as the smoke from Josh's cigarette swirl up towards the sky, it made me think about how vast the sky is and how it stretches seemingly endlessly.
"How was school today?" I asked
"Shit. Mom's quizzing me about why I smell of smoke. I told her one of my friends smokes and she believes me. For now." He replied taking another drag.
"What are you going to do if she found out?" I ask
"Probably just run the fuck away or something-Come here."
Josh suddenly pulled my head onto his chest. I felt truly at peace when I was here, with Josh. The lake became our special place, a place where I can be myself without judging eyes. The place that I share with the most important person in the world. He exhaled again and the smell of smoke filled my nostrils but I didn't mind, not when it was him.
"You're my best friend" I told Josh without thinking and quickly clamped my hand over my mouth.
"You're my best friend too, Ty."
He began to run his free hand through my hair slowly, I winced slightly as his fingers tugged at knots. He chuckled slightly at this.
"Geez Tyler, did you even comb your hair?" he asked
"Nope!" I exclaimed, making him laugh more
"You're so cute."
After saying this he patted my shoulder softly signalling me to get up, which I did. His cigarette dangled from his lips as he strolled towards the waters edge. He crouched down, clearly looking for something. He shuffled through stones carefully inspecting each one before selecting one.
He stood up and brought the stone next to my face. I was beyond confused at this point. He noticed my confusion and smiled.
"It looks like your eyes."
He pressed the stone into the palm of my hand. It was perfectly round and a shiny brown. He smiled sweetly at me. I slid the stone into my pocket. He put out his cigarette and took my hand.
"Can I see you later tonight?" He asked
"Of course, why?"
"I'm planning a surprise."
I smiled at him and he returned my smile. He stroked my hair again before telling me he needed to get back before his mom started to freak out.
He made his way toward the forest but stopped and turned around, he held out his hand which I assumed he wanted me to take. I rushed to his side and took it. It seems as though our hands melded together perfectly together almost as if they were designed to fit together. We swung our hands in unison as we made our way through the forest.
We approached the end of the forest and we could see the town come into view. I went to drop his hand but he held on tighter with a squeeze. We kept our hands clasped tightly together until Josh had to go the other way. He gave me a hug as we parted ways and I could've sworn that the overwhelming happiness I felt almost caused me to explode. I was the bomb and Josh was the flame and together we could destroy anyone who opposed us. Did I like him? What even was love? I've never felt it before, I wouldn't even be sure of what to look for. I pondered this as I made my way back to the building I was forced to call my home.
I opened to door to be yet again greeted with the overwhelming and now sickening stench of alcohol. I didn't see the woman anywhere meaning I was safe. I bounded upstairs and to relief I saw her room was shut and I heard the familiar sound of her snoring. At least she wasn't dead though, I wasn't sure if that would truly be a bad thing. That was an awful thing to say. I felt a familiar pang of guilt in my lower stomach.
. . .
It was 12:00 PM and I was beginning to worry if Josh had forgotten about me, he was usually here by now. I sat cross legged on my bed quietly fretting to myself. In my anxiousness I stood up quickly causing my head to spin momentarily. I slunk towards my record player and selected a song from the vinyl already sitting on the platter, AM by Arctic Monkeys. I pushed the needle towards to indent which told you when one song ends and another begins. I chose my favourite song, Knee Socks. I closed my eyes, letting the song sink through my skin getting through to my very core.
You got the lights on in the afternoon
And the nights are drawn out long
And you're kissing to cut through the gloom
With a cough drop coloured tongue
And you were sitting in the corner with the coats all piled high
And I thought you might be mine
Just as I had begun to relax I heard the sound of a hard object hitting the glass of my window. I quickly bounded towards the window and opened it excitedly. I saw Josh sitting in the tree next to my window and I smiled.
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair." he joked as I held out my arm to assist him.
He climbed into my room and I noticed that this time he had a backpack with him this time. He shrugged off his bag and dropped it to the floor. He smiled and hugged me tightly. I inhaled deeply as my face was pushed against his chest. His smell was so unique to me the strong scent of smoke and cologne, so very Josh. It just, was his smell. If I could, I would make a candle out of it so I could smell it all the time.
"I love this song." He whispered lowly.
When the zeros line up on the 24 hour clock
When you know who's calling even though the number is blocked
When you walked around your house wearing my sky blue Lacoste
And your knee socks
He took my hand and began swaying gently in a kind of dance. He spun me round as he held my waist gently. I rested my head against his chest as we danced. I suddenly remembered:
"What's in the bag?" I asked
He stopped dancing and smiled broadly. He snatched the bag which has been abandoned and practically threw himself on my bed. I sat down gently next to him. He unzipped the bag excitedly and placed a folded white cloth on my lap. I unfolded the item carefully to realise it was a white pleated skirt very similar to the one I was showing him before.
"It was my sisters, she let me have it."
"Josh! Thank you!" I exclaimed jumping up to tackle him into a hug.
We both fell back with me on top. We both laugh at the compromising position we were both in. He stared into my eyes again and I felt butterflies dancing around in my stomach almost making me nauseous. Josh blinks suddenly and I get up quickly, still sat on his lap.
"W-why don't you try it on?" he suggested quickly.
I nodded and I stood up with the skirt in hand. I turned around and slowly pulled down my jeans, leaving me just in my boxers. I pulled the skirt up but noticed the zipper was at the back and was in an awkward place for me to reach on my own.
"Josh can you zip me up?"
"Of course."
I felt him come up behind me and my breath hitched. I felt his cold fingers brush against the small of my back leaving a trail of goosebumps on my skin. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck making my hairs stand on end. He was so close. I loved it. He pulled up the zipper slowly to the top and he then turned me around to get a better look.
"You look beautiful." he murmured in awe.
He stroked my cheek with the back of hand and he smiled. He looked me up and down once or twice before once again focusing on my lips.
Suddenly, I heard the sound of a door being opened violently. Josh's eyes widened in pure fear as my panic levels went through the roof.
"Into my closet, quick!" I whispered with urgency.
I shoved him into my wardrobe and shut the door. I then made it into my bed in record time as I heard my mother stomp down the hall toward my room. She threw the door open and stared at me with pure unadulterated hatred, what's new?
"Where the fuck is my vodka you little shit?"
"I don't know mama, I haven't touched it."
She growls at me and begins to look under my bed. She then makes her way to the closet. I needed to distract her somehow. I let out a scream, scaring her half to death. She snarled at me.
"What the fuck was that for?"
"I saw a spider."
"Great, my son is a fucking pussy faggot too, what else would God like to throw at me?"
"Well Mom, this faggot could probably pleasure a man better than you could ever dream of. So good that he wouldn't leave me, unlike someone else I know." I retort feeling a slight rush of confidence knowing that Josh could hear me.
"Ungrateful slut."
She spat the words in face and slammed the door shut. I listen to her footsteps retreat down the hall and the slamming and bolting of a door. I smirk to myself.
"You can come out now." I say
Josh re-emerges with the expression of a proud mother who just watcher her son win first place at a sporting event. He hugged me tightly whispering to me about how proud he was of me for standing up to my evil witch of a mother.
"Are you gay?" he asks.
"Wouldn't you like to know?" I tease.
"Tyler Joseph if I didn't know any better I'd think you were teasing me." He muses placing a cigarette between his lips.
"Well, a princess needs her beauty sleep and as much as I'd love to stay and chat, I'm tired as hell. Unless you want to join?" I say, removing the cigarette from his lips and placing it on the side.
"Tyler what has gotten into you?"
"I don't know."
"Well, whatever it is I hope it stays. Goodnight, princess."
"Goodnight."
I watch as he sidles his way down the tree and landing softly on the ground. I watched him light another cigarette as we walked down the street. I rolled my eyes at this and closed the window. I picked up the cigarette I stole from Josh and twirled it in my fingers. This was in his mouth. I placed it in my mouth also. An indirect kiss.
I removed it from my mouth and placed it in a drawer along with the rock he gave me for safekeeping. A little reminder of him and as my head rested on my pillow that night my mind was clouded by thoughts of him. It was there and then I decided,
I had a major crush on Josh Dun.