March 2012
Justine
The rest of the day we spent together singing and playing the guitar. She felt better, well, that's what she told me. I really hope she does. Demi told me about her documentary "Stay strong" premiering soon and that she wants me to watch it. She seemed to be nervous. But I promised her to watch it and telling her what I think. Brave girl! Oh my! Demi left a few days ago. She has already planned her next visit. Right now she is working in Texas but after that she wants to visit me again. I can't wait.
Demi
I love being back to Texas. My home! Tough there isn't enough time to visit my relatives. I miss my family. I grew up here, my heart belongs to Texas and there are so many incredible memories.
Justine called me after she had seen the docu of "stay strong". I could here that she was crying. She told me how proud she is of me and that she knows that there is a happy end for me. After that phone call I started crying as well. But not because of her positive feedback, but because of a huge feeling of guilt and shame.
Wilmer still tried to call me and the evening before flying to Texas I picked up the phone. He wanted to meet me to talk about everything that happened between us. I still don't understand why I agreed and we met at his house. He told me how sorry he was and that he never wanted to hurt me. He was crying and we ended up having sex. The next morning I felt like I had dropped myself down. He hurt me so much and I was so disappointed. I started drinking alcohol and purging my food only because of our break up. And he said a little sorry and I landed in bed with him. But on the other hand I still love him. I miss his guidance and protection. Two days after our, well "meeting" I saw a picture of him with this girl on twitter. Paps caught them kissing at the beach. The pictures where new and I knew that he was playing with me again. I was so angry, desperate and frustrated about my own stupidity. How could I fall for him again? How could I be so dumb. I fooled myself and couldn't cope with this situation.
I was afraid to talk to anyone about that. Not even Marissa knew something was wrong. And I was afraid to tell it Justine too. She already did so much for me, and we don't really know each other that long. I don't want to know what she really thinks about me. A needy stupid little girl? So I tried to fix it alone and I failed completely.
I got drunk the day I found out about the pictures and I got drunk all the other days too. I did it secretly every evening before I went to sleep. It was the only way to escape from this fucking reality. Yesterday in my drunkenness I called Wilmer sobbing through the telephone telling him that I still love him and want him back. I don't really know if this is even true. I just need someone to hold me, telling me that everything is going to be ok. He was quiet and listened to me.
W: "Demi, I'm so sorry what happened. I just wanted you to forgive me. But, I never wanted to sleep with you." D: "But we did, and don't tell me you didn't enjoy it!" W: "I am so sorry. But I can't... I have a girlfriend Demi!" D: "But I love you!" W: "You don't love me. And I don't love you. It's just. Demi I want a friendship with you, yes. But no relationship! I'm sorry!"
I hang up. I was anywhere in Texas, sobbing and crying like a baby. No one was there to hold me and calm me down. And the worst thing is, that he is right. I don't love him anymore. I just hold on the memories. But I need someone beside me, who cares about me, loves me doubtless. I thought it could be him, but that's not going to happen. I didn't know what to do. I grabbed the bottle of vodka and continued my drinking.
I tweeted: If he wants to talk to you, HE will call/text you. If he doesn't, then he doesn't want to. Never call the guy first. #datingproblems
Later I posted: The hard part is waiting for that moment if you really like them.. Or getting disappointed when your phone rings and it's not him
Justine
My phone woke me up in the middle of the night. I felt dizzy and confused but took it and answered the phone almost asleep.
J: "Hello?" D: "Just...Justine?" I was awake in a second and sat on my bed. "Demi? What happened?" I heard her crying hysterically and was really worried. She told me about what happened with Wilmer. J: "Demi are you drunk?" D: "I'm so sorry! I just didn't know what to do!" J: "Sshhh, please calm down!" I tried me best to soothe her but nothing really seemed to help her. I was so worried and afraid, I started crying trying my best to comfort her. Then I started singing through the phone.
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
I really like this song. It helped me a lot whenever I felt down or sad and tried my best for her. Demi's crying got quieter till I only heard silent sobs. "Go to bed sweetie." I tell her.
Demi
I laid myself down and closed my eyes. "I will stay on the phone until you fall asleep." Justine said and I nodded my head although I knew she couldn't see me. "Ok" I whispered "Can you sing it again?" She started again and I closed my eyes. "Everything is going to be alright, Demi! I promise. Please stay strong, gorgeous girl! You can do that!" She told me all those sweet things and I fell asleep listening to her.
I woke up the next morning still holding my phone in my hand. She was able to calm me down. Again.
I texted Justine. "I'm so sorry for last night. I don't want to betray our friendship because of my shit!" J: "Don't even think like that! I'm ok. I am old enough to know my boundaries. You don't expect too much of me. How are you feeling today?" D: "I have a terrible headache and I have to clear my mind!" J: "Go for a walk! That helps me. Accept your feelings and PLEASE ask for help! You don't have to go through this alone!" D: "I know. That's why I called you!" J: "Demi that's an honor, really. But I can't give you the support you need. I'm thousands of miles away. And I'm not a professional. Please get help from your team! I am really anxious!" D: "I will ask for help!" J: "PROMISE me!" D: "I promise you!"
Justine
I was really worried the last few days after that night. I wasn't able to concentrate at work, couldn't sleep well. I bothered myself about her. Even my parents noticed that something was wrong.
Mom: "Justine what is wrong with you today? You hardly speak with us? What is bothering you honey?" I looked at my laptop and gave a smile. J: "Mom I can't talk about it right now. But I am fine. It's a friend I worry about. She goes through a rough time right now!" Dad: "Can you help her?" J: "I'm trying and hoping the best. She is... she is very special to me. But it's difficult. I don't know her for a long time, but she means a lot to me already." D: "Just hang in there! You are such a strong woman. Listen to your heart honey! I am sure, you already know, how you could probably help her!" J: "Thank you dad! She deserves to be happy and I really want to help her!" M: "Does she want your help?"
That sentence kept me awake that night. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Does she want my help? Am I the right person to help her? I know that I can't fix her problems, that she needs professional help from other people. But does she want me by her side? Does she even want to get any help?
Demi
I didn't kept my promise and asked for help. I was just to afraid to tell my team because they supported me so much the last time and I don't want to disappoint them. I felt really sorry for Justine, for my team, my fans and for myself. Almost a week is over after I texted Justine my promise and I didn't answer her calls or replied to her texts. I felt so terrible. But we are on our way to New York right now because of an interview for TV. I am not sure if it is a good idea to visit her.