CW: parental issues, mentions of past emotional abuse (not graphic, just hinted at).
Chapter Ten – Ross
I hesitated, and then got out of the car. Never before had walking into the lobby of my flat seemed so unappealing. Knowing that just inside the doors possibly awaited the man I hated more than anything in the world, made me want to get back into my car and drive into an oncoming train. I sighed, and walked inside the lobby casually, all the while my eyes staring firmly at the lift doors. That was my goal. If I could get there, then I'd be safe. Maybe he wouldn't see me. Maybe he'd gone home.
"Ross?"
Fuck. I turned around, pretending to be surprised. "Dad?"
My father was standing a few metres away from me, not exactly how I remembered him from my childhood. He looked smaller. He looked old. Worn out. Every so often I'd see him on the street, accidentally run into him somewhere completely random, but I'd never look properly. Aside from those chance encounters, I hadn't seen the man since I'd left home all those years ago, and now I was staring at him. Staring down at him, even, because now I was taller than him.
"Hello, Ross," he said briskly, awkwardly standing too far away from me, as though he was afraid to take a step closer. "I've been waiting for hours."
I nodded. "I was at work. Busy day, and all. Sorry."
"No matter, no matter," he said, and then shoved his hands in his pockets. "So... how's work going? It must be busy if they're keeping you in on Sundays."
I nearly told him about the promotion. I nearly bragged about the pay rise. But I caught myself just before I did, reminding myself that I didn't need his praise. I didn't need anything from him - and he sure as hell didn't deserve to know anything about my personal life. I had to shut this down quickly, and exchanging pleasantries was not going to do it.
"What are you doing here?" I asked him tiredly. "What do you need?"
He looked startled, his eyes alarmed. "I just... Just thought I'd check in, see how you were doing."
"Well, you've done that," I replied, and then indicated the lift doors. "So I'm going to go up to my flat and settle in for the evening. Goodbye."
As I walked off, I heard his voice call out, "We're holding a memorial service for your mother next week. We... there were some people who couldn't make it for the funeral. They wanted to celebrate her life, so I... I organised a sort-of belated wake."
"Delightful," I replied coldly, but with the mention of my mother I could feel my will crumbling. Once again, I was becoming a teenager again, standing in front of my father, terrified to make one wrong move in case it provoked his anger.
Immediately, whatever happy atmosphere he was trying to recreate dissolved. His smile faded and I knew that the façade had indeed crumbled. Not that I wanted him to continue pretending that everything was fine. I didn't want him acting all sweet and kind, as though the last ten years wasn't an insurmountable void between us. As though he hadn't done everything in his power to rid me from his life.
"Ross, you didn't go to her funeral," he began, but I cut him off.
"I didn't want to go," I told him. "Just because you fed and housed me for the first couple of stages of my life, doesn't mean you get the right to pretend you know me now. I'm twenty-eight, and I haven't seen you in ten years."
"You owe us-" he began
"Don't say it," I said flatly. "Don't say anything about me owing you anything. You gave up the right to hold family obligation over my head the second you told me never to come home again."
"Don't talk to me like that, boy," he warned me.
"I'm not a boy, and I will speak to you in the way you deserve," I said firmly, though I could feel my control beginning to slip, the terror running through my veins like ice water. "You and my mother felt nothing for me the moment I differed from what you wanted from me."
"You left," he said coldly.
I shook my head. "You kicked me out."
"We gave you a choice," he snapped. "And you chose to leave."
"I didn't choose to leave!" I snapped back. "I chose to be openly gay, rather than hiding it away and trying to suppress it, and you kicked me out."
I saw his hand twitch, and he retorted, "You chose to live your life exactly how you wanted to."
I paused, swallowed and took a deep breath. Anger wasn't going to get him out of my life, and neither was violence. The only thing I could do was the only thing I ever did; walk away from him.
"You made your decision," I told him, holding up my hands. "And I made mine. It's been ten years, and just because a woman I once loved died, does not mean that I have any obligation to pretend I love her now."
"Don't you dare say a word against your mother," he stepped forwards.
"I'll say a word against any mother that rejects her child," I said firmly, glaring at him as he stopped moving towards me. "And I won't go to the memorial of a woman who spent the last ten years wishing I had never existed."
"She loved you more than anything," he hissed at me. "You rejected her love, and you ran away to live your disgusting-"
"-lifestyle, I know," I finished for him in exasperation. "Well, you got what you wanted back then – you got your queer son out of your life. Don't try and drag me back into it because you've lost Mum and you're losing Raven."
My father looked at me as if I was the most sickening sight he'd ever seen, and I smiled in grim satisfaction. "Now please," I said, heading towards the elevator. "Leave me alone, and go back to your own life. You don't belong here. You can beg all you want, but I'm not mourning the loss of a woman that never mourned the loss of me."
I got into the lift and pressed the button calmly, but once the doors were closed and he was out of my sight, I just wanted to throw up. I leaned against the wall, wishing that it had never happened. Wishing that I'd never seen him. As the lift doors opened again, I walked into my living room and collapsed on the sofa, breathing heavily. Replaying the conversation in my mind, I was proud of myself. I had said everything calmly, firmly, and I was glad I had. But I still felt shaken, even admitting to myself that I had felt afraid.
When I checked my phone, desperate for some distraction, I saw I'd missed a call from Edward. I sighed, and called him. Edward's anxious voice came down the line. "Ross! I need a huge favour, and I mean huge – I'll pay you if you'll do it. I need a place to get changed for tonight's show, because a pipe burst at my place and there's builders literally everywhere - and yes, usually I wouldn't mind, because they're all muscular and wearing tank tops, but it's not the most calming environment to be-"
"Bring your stuff over," I told him.
Edward paused and then asked in a completely astonished voice. "Really? Can I bring Harper?"
"Yes," I said, smiling slightly although I didn't feel like smiling.
"You mean I can bring all my things over?" he asked in disbelief. "You're letting me trash your apartment with diva clothes and makeup? The sequins? The glitter?"
"Yes," I sighed. "Quickly, before I change my mind."
"We're on our way," Harper said, and I heard the opening of a door. "Holy shit, Edward, this crap is heavy!"
"I know," Edward sighed. "Ross, I feel duty-bound to inform you that the glitter is everywhere."
"The glitter is always everywhere," I grumbled.
****
When Harper and Edward arrived, they saw that I had a bottle of tequila out and was drinking it straight from the bottle. Back in the day, I had used alcohol as a coping mechanism for my parent issues; these days I never drank casually at home. Harper and I had agreed we both had to cut back years ago. I didn't even usually have alcohol in the house, but I'd picked it up on the way home, knowing I might have needed it.
Knowing me well, Harper and Edward both looked at me in alarm. That was more hilarious than usual as Edward had a full face of make-up on but was still in jeans and a t-shirt. Harper asked, "Was he here?"
"Waiting for me when I got home," I said, handing them each a Tequila Sunrise that I had made. "He wanted me to go to my mother's memorial service."
Edward winced, and Harper leaned over to kiss me on the forehead. "Are you sure you want to go out tonight? We can stay in."
"It's fine," I said, and then asked, "Just don't tell Raven how badly it went, alright? She'll spend the rest of the week worrying about me. I told her that he'd gone home by the time I got back, cause I doubt he'll bring it up to her."
"Mum's the word," Edward said, and then grimaced. "Sorry, not the best choice of phrases."
"It's fine," I put the tequila down and opened Edward's make-up case. "Ed, do you want the glittery eyelashes tonight? Don't put the heavy ones on for performing, if one falls off then you're fucked."
"The ones with blue glitter," Edward replied, and winced as glitter fell onto my carpet. "Sorry. Occupational hazard."
"You'll be picking glitter out of your crotch for days," Harper snorted. "You won't be naked around the glitter for even a single second but somehow it will wind up on your penis."
"It's fine, some twink can lick it off later," I snorted.
"Well, Tom and Jasper are coming tonight," Edward grinned jokingly.
I held up one finger. "Firstly, if you ever indicate that Tom is a viable option for me, the lesbians will hear you and kill you, and me for good measure." I held up a second finger. "Secondly, I know Jasper is coming tonight, I ran into him today at Aroma, that coffee place near my work. Great coffee, by the way, they have like five different roasts on offer. I went for a light roast and I swear about half an hour later I thought I was floating at work."
As Edward and Harper looked at me in surprise, my eyebrows knitted together in a stern glare as I realised what they were both thinking. "Don't say a word," I told them, holding out a false eyelash to Harper for him to apply the glue to.
Harper took it from me, and paused. "...I won't say a word."
"Thank you," I sighed, picking up the glue to apply to the other false eyelash.
Edward snorted, as Harper pressed the eyelash to his eyelid, letting the glue dry. "I'll say plenty of words – you ran into Jasper? Of all the gin-joints. And you talked about tonight? Are you going together? Did you organise something? Is it like a date?"
"No, it is not a date," I said firmly, squeezing glue onto the base of the second eyelash and handing it to Harper. "I just know Tom is going, and I think it's nice that he's got a friend his own age for once - I'm just being a good friend for once. I told you, if Jasper is going to become a more permanent part of the group, I'm fine maintaining a friendship with him." As Edward raised his painted-on eyebrows, I added, "Just a friendship. Nothing more. And yes, he knows that, I even said out loud 'I'm happy maintaining a friendship seeing as you're going to be around more often, but Raven told me to reiterate that I'm not interested in a relationship'."
Edward considered my words, and then nodded. "Fine, that all sounds very sensible and clear, I'm glad you both know where you stand. I'm sorry I assumed you were being irresponsible."
"It is a fair assumption," Harper said, sticking the other eyelash on. "I'm glad Tom has a friend, too. It'll build up his confidence for when he goes to uni - plus, I'm still holding out hope they'll get together."
"Well at least no one would mistake Tom for his babysitter," Edward grinned at me, and then made a noise of protest when I pushed him. "I'm sorry; do you want me to lose an eye? This stuff is industrial grade eyelash glue - it could jam my eyelids together."
Harper grinned, and said, "Right, your face is now officially complete. What dress are you wearing?"
"You look pretty good," I added, eyeing him up. "I'd-"
Edward hastily said, "Please don't say 'I'd fuck you'. I spent a lot of time on this make-up, I don't want it to smudge if I start vomiting."
"I was going to say 'I'd wear the green'," I told him dryly.
"Ha, ha," Edward said, getting up. "I'll do my tits; you get the dress off the hanger."
"Awesome," I sighed, getting up. "And then can I go and get changed?"
Edward didn't reply, but bounced happily over to my mirror. I sighed and looked around what I could see of my living room. I groaned. "You'd better take all this shit back with you. If I bring someone back tonight-"
"If?" Edward and Harper both asked dubiously.
"Okay, when I bring someone back tonight," I corrected myself. "I do not want – and I mean no offence here, Edward – your drag queen shit all over my carpet. It might be somewhat of a mood killer if I start tripping over breastplates."
"I promise it'll be gone," Edward said. "I'll stick it in my car when we're dressed and take it home with me. I'm not drinking tonight, so it'll be fine. Well, bar this one cocktail."
Harper smiled. "You nervous?"
"As if," Edward snorted, but I knew he was lying. Edward was a catastrophically bad liar.
I rolled my eyes, taking his green dress of the hanger. "It's okay to be nervous, but I'd stick to that no-drinking policy, you don't want to throw up onstage."
"Shut up or I'll throw up for real," Edward warned me. "And I know your carpet has taken a lot tougher than that, but it'll still be nasty."
There was a buzz at the door and I got up, stretching. "I'll get it."
"Well, it is your house," Edward stretched out, yawning.
I pointed accusingly at him. "If you rub your eyes and fuck up your makeup, I'm not helping you re-do it." When he dramatically flopped down on my sofa, I grinned and pressed the buzzer. "Hello?" No one replied, so I frowned and pressed the buzzer again. "Hello? Is anyone there?"
Harper snorted. "It's probably the kids playing games with the apartment buzzers – the kids on my road do that all the time."
"I live in a nice place," I snorted, and then asked again, "Hello?"
"Ross?"
I paused, frowning as I heard a delicate, whispering version of a familiar voice coming through the intercom. "Raven, is that you? What's wrong? Are you alright?"
"I can't get in," she said, definitely sounding subdued. "Did you change the lift code?"
"Oh, right, yeah - just in case Dad saw me key it in," I sighed, and then pressed the button to send the lift to her.
Harper looked over. "Is she alright?"
"She doesn't sound it," I frowned. "I just don't know what's happened. I spoke to her this morning, around eleven. Did she go anywhere today?"
"Not that I know of," Edward said, getting up to take the dress from me. "I know she went to Café Latte to see Lucie at lunch, but that's about it. They were discussing something to do with the café. Maybe your dad called her?"
"Hmm," I said, slightly confused, but then the doors opened. I turned around and froze. Raven was stood there, clearly trying to hold back tears. Her eyes were red, bloodshot, and she'd clearly been crying during the ride over.
"What happened?" I asked her.
She swallowed. "Dad came to see me after he saw you. He was angry, yelling - I hadn't seem him like that in a while. I told him... well, I told him to leave you alone. He was saying all sorts of things, so I... well, I told him I'm bi."
"Oh," I replied, at a loss for words.
"Yeah," she replied, and sniffed. "Sorry, I just... I didn't know who else to talk to. It was awful, he was so shocked I thought he was going to keel over then and there."
I pulled her in for a hug. "You don't need to apologise for needing me," I told her, squeezing her tightly. "You did a brave thing. Dad will deal with it, somehow, and if he doesn't - then fuck him, you don't need him. You did the right thing."
Raven collapsed into tears and I whispered, "Edward and Harper are here, just so you know."
Edward, having clearly overheard everything, shouted, "We love you, Raven!" from the living room. I rolled my eyes, pulling back from Raven and kissing her on the forehead. "I love you too," I told her. "We can just stay in tonight - Ed's gotta go, but me, you and Harper can chill out with a movie and some takeout."
"It's okay," she shook her head, sniffing. "I really don't want to have to think about it all night. The show will distract me."
I hesitated, but I knew that there was no talking her out of it. "Okay," I said. "But if you start to spiral, we'll leave, okay?"
"Okay," she took a deep breath, and raised her voice with only the slightest tremble. "Edward, are you decent? I really don't want to walk into a straight shot of your naked body."
****
I looked around Fruits, scanning the crowd for Tom and Jasper; I knew it was packed but we were sat on the balcony so I had a good view of the club. I had texted Tom to tell him that Sapphire would be performing tonight as Crystal had to go out of town suddenly and needed a replacement, but neither him nor Jasper had been visible since we'd arrived.
"Maybe he's not coming," Harper smirked.
I feigned ignorance. "Who?"
"Nice try," he replied. "I'm sure Jasper will turn up soon."
"I'm looking for Tom," I scowled. "He said he'd be here, and I don't really want to be saving seats for either of them if they're not coming. Harper, wipe that look off your face - I know you're ill, but I will hit you."
Harper chuckled to himself. "Now now, don't get touchy."
"He'll turn up," Raven said reassuringly, putting her hand on mine. "And if he doesn't, we'll make jokes for the rest of your life about you being stood up."
"It's not a date," I snapped. "And I'm not being stood up. Tom said he was coming, Jasper said he was coming with Tom, and people keep looking at us like we're monsters for hoarding seats."
I sighed, but then the lights dimmed.
"Ladies and gentlemen!" a voice said slyly over the sound system. "Welcome to drag queen night, here at Fruits! Who's excited for a bank holiday Monday spent hungover?"
I joined in the cheering crowd, momentarily forgetting my worries concerning Jasper.
"I can hear that you're excited," the voice teased. "So let's bring on our host for the evening, our star of the show, our wonderful, beautiful – Sapphire!"
Everyone started clapping and cheering enthusiastically, but Harper, Raven and I got up out of our chairs to cheer Sapphire onto the stage. She came out, dressed in her shiny blue dress and her six-inch heels. She grinned and waved at the crowd, standing over an air vent and pulling a Marilyn Monroe pose with the skirt of her dress.
"Now, now," she teased the crowd. "Let's not get too excited, boys! There's more than enough of me to go around."
The crowd, especially at the front, cheered. I grinned, sitting back down with the others; Edward had started off strong, and I was relieved. "Hey," I heard a voice in my left ear.
I turned to see Jasper stood by my side, with Tom already settling into the seat next to Harper, kissing him hello. "Hi!" I said, horrified by the unintentional cheerfulness in my tone. "Didn't think you two were going to make it!"
"Oh, Jazz!" Raven said cheerfully. "Glad you could make it! Ross was worried-"
I put my hand over her mouth quickly. "She's been drinking."
"We saved your seats on pain of death," Harper said, pulling the chair up to the edge of the balcony. "Which was not easy, and I think we nearly got drinks thrown on us."
"It's appreciated," Jasper grinned, and set two drinks down on the table.
I eyed the second one. "Got an imaginary friend with you this evening?"
"Cyri's here, she's just gone to the bathroom," Jasper laughed slightly, and then sat in the chair next to me. It had been Raven's seat, but she had subtly moved to a different one to open up the spot next to me. "You look good," he told me, and his eyes wandered south of my face. Very south. He was completely shameless in looking directly at my lap.
"Stop getting horny, I'm trying to watch the show," I nudged him.
Jasper smirked and turned his attention to the stage as Sapphire riffed with the crowd in front of her, low-key roasting Gary, the club owner. "Sapphire looks beautiful tonight."
"Always does," I grinned. "I told her to wear the green, but I guess with a name like Sapphire, blue really should be her signature colour."
"You helped her get dressed?" Jasper asked, looking amused. "Surprisingly good job, well done - I wouldn't trust you to dress me in drag."
"Charming - I think you'll remember that I work in a company supplying clothes," I pulled on his hair slightly, and the grin he shot me was sinful. It was going to be tough to stop myself from taking him home. He also looked fantastic; tonight he was dressed more femme than the other nights, with a top that had lace across his chest. I could see his pale skin underneath the black lace, and it was doing things to my mind that I did not expect.
"Why'd she pick Sapphire?" Jasper asked curiously.
I knew that question would come up eventually, and no one ever believed us when we answered. "It's Edward's surname."
"His name is Edward Sapphire?" Jasper asked in complete disbelief. "Shut up, no it isn't."
"Raven," I tapped her. "Why is Sapphire called Sapphire?"
She sighed heavily. "It's his surname. I know, it's not believable," she added as she saw Jasper's face. "We'll show you his ID at some point."
Sapphire, meanwhile, was prancing around the stage like a well-practiced show pony. "Now," she beamed, her highlighter making her face glow brightly. "Are you ready for your first act of the evening?"
Everyone cheered, raising their glasses as a sign of approval.
"Well, you're in for a treat, boys," she teased, winking at the crowd. "She's fun, she's fabulous – and oh, she's fruity. Give it up for Peaches!"
Everyone burst into a smattering of applause as Sapphire exited the stage to give way for another drag queen, a guy we knew as Mark, dressed in pink and yellow holding a microphone swathed in lace. The lights in the audience went down as they focused on the stage, and we were plunged into deeper darkness.
Perhaps it was the darkness. Perhaps it was the fact that I had absolutely zero sensible decision-making skills. I took my opportunity and placed my hand on Jasper's thigh, feeling him tense beneath me. It was addictive, touching him; he reacted so strongly to everything, I found myself wanting to do the lightest of touches to see the rewards I could draw from him. I let my finger lightly stroke his inner thigh, and saw him swallow hard.
He glanced sideways at me, and I felt my chest throb as I saw his face. His eyes were heavy-lidded, his mouth slightly parted, and I felt the desperate need to take him outside and bend him over the hood of my car. I forgot where I was for a moment, forgot that my friends could look over at any given moment, and my hand crept upwards.
Suddenly, Jasper looked over my shoulder and got up, wrenching himself out of my grasp. "Cyri, over here!"
I turned to see Cyri, the girl I'd met earlier in the coffee shop, hurrying over to us and sitting on the arm of the chair Jasper was on, grabbing the drink he had set out for her. I eyed her looking around self-consciously, and frowned. That didn't seem like the overly confident woman I'd been introduced to before.
"Cyri," I greeted her.
She nodded back at me, looking slightly relieved as she realised who it was. "Ross, nice to see you again. You look better out of the suit."
"Uh, thanks?" I said at that backhanded compliment, and then shot a look at Jasper, hoping it'd make him realise Cyri wasn't alright. He looked at me in confusion, and I nodded subtly towards Cyri before turning around to watch Peaches. Jasper caught my meaning, and turned to his friend.
"Are you alright?" I heard him murmur to Cyri in a low voice.
"Mm," Cyri replied nonchalantly, and then I saw him lean towards me out of the corner of my eye.
"She's nervous," he whispered in my ear, his warm breath on the back of my neck. I fought the urge to take hold of his head and kiss him. "She snuck out to be here. Her mum was asleep when we left - her mother hates her going out when she should be studying, it's a bit of a nightmare."
"Ah," I replied lightly. "And where does your mother think you are?"
Jasper paused. "With Cyri. It's not technically a lie. And technically, I'm an adult that can do whatever I want. I just, y'know...live in their house and eat all their food."
"With that level of espionage, it's unbelievable you haven't been caught yet," I sighed, and then noticed Cyri getting up. "Your friend appears to be leaving."
Jasper stood up again. "Cyri, where are you going?" I turned around to see Cyri rushed back down the steps and outside again, muttering something about needing fresh air. "Sorry," Jasper said apologetically to the group. "Me and Tom may have given her one too many cocktails before we got here. We thought it might help with the anxiety."
He went to leave, but I took hold of his wrist. "I'll go," I sighed, picking up her drink. "I need to call my assistant anyway and make sure she's not still doing work."
Jasper raised his eyebrows, and tentatively asked, "Are you sure you're comforting enough for this kind of task?"
"I can be comforting when I want to be," I pushed him back down into his seat. "I'll see you when I get back."
"I'll be waiting," he winked, and I quickly left, trying to ignore the tightening sensation in my stomach. Suddenly I was very glad I'd worn the really tight jeans, as I had a feeling he was watching me walk away. I headed down to the bottom floor and out the front door. Cyri was sat just outside on the steps leading up to the front door.
"Hey," I said, sitting down next to her.
She looked to her right to see me, and then looked away, embarrassed. "Did Jasper send you out after me?"
"No, I stopped him from doing it," I said, and offered her the drink I'd picked up. "I didn't think you'd want to talk to him about it. Was it all too much for you?"
She took the drink and drank it hastily. "No," she said firmly, and then sighed when I looked at her flatly. "Yes. I don't want it to be too much. I want to be supportive and I want to be the perfect best friend for him, but-"
"But it's a big change," I said, nodding. "And it's a very immediate change."
"Yes," she said gloomily. "You know, not even a week ago his life was just me, him and Rory. Now he's friends with Tom - and I like Tom, he's great. But he's got all these, I don't know - very cool friends, who are super open - and I feel like I'm out of my depth. I don't want him to get bored of me."
I laughed slightly. "Just because Edward wears enough glitter to stock a medium-sized craft supply store, doesn't mean he's any more open than you to this kind of stuff. He's just more practiced with it. You'll adjust in time. Everyone feels a little out of their depth when they don't have someone to guide them through it. Rely on Tom a little more - he'll take you round the clubs, and teach you the terminology - hell, he'll probably give you flash cards on all the different genders."
Cyri paused for a moment, processing what I'd said, and then sighed miserably.
"Did I say something wrong?" I asked, frowning.
She looked gloomier. "I just feel like I'm letting Jazz down."
"I think he owes you a lot more than you think," I said fairly. "You pretended to be with him all of this year just to protect him."
"So?" Cyri asked in exasperation.
"So you're a good person," I said, rolling my eyes. "I wouldn't have done that for any of my friends."
"I love him," Cyri shrugged. "He's my best friend."
"Exactly," I told her. "And this doesn't make you a bad person – coming out here for a breath of fresh air is nothing. You're not pushing him away, you're not hurting him. You love him, and you're here. You're trying. That's enough."
Cyri swallowed, taking some deep breaths, and then looked at me curiously. "What is it with you?"
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I guess I just don't get it," she shrugged. "Your whole thing. Maybe I'm just not built for the casual stuff, I guess I've always been into the whole two-point-five kids and a white picket fence life. It's just... you seem to like him. You practically had your hand on his dick back there."
I laughed guiltily. "Okay, in my defence, it's hard to remember I'm in public when he's looking at me like that. It's easy to forget where I am, even when it's in a very loud club with very loud people."
Cyri smiled a little. "I guess I haven't had that experience. That's the problem with fake-dating Jasper, I got used to having him around all of the time, and not having to look for legitimate relationships."
"What about Rory?" I asked, remembering Jasper bring them up a couple of times. "Jasper mentioned you two have a sort of flirtationship going at the moment."
Cyri had turned beet red, which sort of confirmed the theory. Defensively, she spluttered, "Well, it's not like you and Jasper have any less of a flirtationship! You've known him for like a week and you've already fucked him twice. You tell him he looks cute when he blushes, you call him a brat all flirty, you tell him where you're going to be on a night out so he can join you - can you see why I don't really believe that you're not interested in him?"
I snorted, because I didn't trust myself to say 'no'.
"Oh don't give me that," Cyri looked irritated. "Did you, or did you not, want to take him home back then?"
I didn't want to tell the truth, so I edged around the subject. "So what if I like having sex with him? I can detach emotions from that extremely easily. Look, I'm not offering Jasper anything I can't give him - if he gets attached, it's his responsibility - and I've been warned by literally everyone except the man himself, who says he's aware of the situation. Can't we all just trust he knows what he's getting into?"
"Yeah, we can, he knows what he wants," Cyri said fairly, and then grinned. "Although, if you want to make me very, very happy, try to take him home tonight, okay? I've got a bet with Tom, and I really could do with a win."
"We'll see," I said, and then she stood up. I smiled. "Ready to go back in?"
"Mm," she nodded, stretching. "I think I'll give the club another couple of hours before I get a taxi home. I need to be back at a reasonable time in case my mother does actually wake up."
"See you inside," I said, and she carefully walked back in. I wanted to go in because it was freezing, but I had made up the stupid excuse about calling Louise. I hovered in the doorway, holding the phone to my ear as though I was talking to someone, watching her rejoin the others and watch the show cheerfully. She said something to Jasper which made him smile and then he looked straight over at me. Obviously Cyri had said something about me.
I winced; this wasn't what I needed. I wasn't being careful; I wasn't being casual. I was filling him with false hope after four stupid days, and I couldn't do that. I sighed, and made my way into the crowd. I wanted so badly to take him back with me that I craved it, and that scared the shit out of me. Tonight, I'd find someone else.
*****
Rory, texting Cyri: how's the drag queens
Cyri, replying: better at dancing than me