[Sad]
"Right now you're all asleep in the chairs beside my hospital bed. It's become like a second home to you lads, you're always there when I go to sleep and when I wake up. Right now, you look like angels, beautiful. But I guess you kind of are angels, at least to me. You mean more to me than you can ever know, as cheesey as that sounds, it's true. Seeing your faces everyday just made me forget about the pain and cancer and everything. But even though I forgot about the lung cancer sometimes, it just didn't go away. I remember when I was diagnosed with it, stage four, and I remember how we all cried and you held me in your arms. You all cried because you knew, you knew that I wouldn't have much longer. And I cried, because I saw you guys cry. I wasn't scared of dying, and I'm still not. I'm just scared of leaving you four behind. I love you all so much and all I ever wanted to do was be strong and make sure everything will be okay and make sure nothing ever hurts you. But it turns out that...I won't be able to do that anymore. Because if you're reading this, I'm gone. I'm gone and I just left you boys behind. Hurt. Broken. I feel like I ruined One Direction, but I hope you guys keep going. I hope you can forgive me for leaving you, because I promise I don't want to go. Liam's shifting in his sleep, he might wake up soon and I should end this letter. Please remember me before I got sick. Remember me when I wasn't fragile and pale and weak and ill. Remember the good times, the happy times. Don't let One Direction die. Please keep going, keep singing, keep making music. For me. Please, don't forget me and don't feel bad. I love you, okay? Remember that if not anything else. I love you so so much x Zayn"
--
I've read the letter so many times that I can recite it word from word.
I replay the words in my mind whenever I can't sleep.
I replay the words in my mind whenever I'm sad. When I'm happy. When I'm afraid.
I think of him every time I close my eyes and it kills me.
When Zayn died, One Direction stopped making music for a year.
We stopped making music but we kept being friends.
We all needed each other to cope. We all needed each other to be strong, to be brave.
But then I reread his letter, and I saw he told us to never stop making music.
How can we deny a dead man his last wish?
So, we came out with a new album and we called it 'Gone But Not Forgotten'.
We dedicated it to Zayn.
--
"Boys, do you remember when we found out I only had one month left to live? I think about it all the time. It seems like one month went by so quickly. I wish I could bottle up time and give it to you so we could just live forever. I wish I could stay 'Forever Young'. I wish I could just take a clock and smash it and that it would make time stop. But I can't and we all know that. Time is precious, and that's something I've learned from all of this. That last month of mine we spent together...God, it was the best thirty days of my life. Better than when we won a Brit award, better than when we recorded our first album, performed at the Olympics. Even though I got sick sometimes and every time I went to sleep I was afraid I wouldn't wake up...I would just be SO happy that you boys were with me. Because you just made everyday feel special and wonderful and magical and everyday I spent with you lads, I'd think to myself 'If this was the last day of my life, I would die happy.' and I truly meant it every time. Knowing that I had you four in my life and that you loved me so much...just knowing that, I could die happy- I will die happy- Actually, if you're reading this...It means I did die happy. I love you boys. I love you so much, and I'll miss you. Even though our time together wasn't nearly long enough, I'm so thankful for every second spent with you. But all good things come to an end, and sometimes the end comes too soon. I love you, I love you, I love you...repeat that a million infinity times and that's how much I love you boys. Don't miss me too much, because one day we'll meet again. One day we'll meet again and we'll be together forever and ever. I'll wait for you wherever I am. I'm going to be with Zayn now, boys. Don't worry about me. Keep singing, I'll be listening xx Love, Harry"
--
Exactly one year and thirty-two days after Zayn died, Harry was diagnosed.
The boys and I, we didn't know how to cope.
How could the group of us five come down to three?
I think Louis took it the hardest when Harry passed.
None of us wanted to sing anymore.
But Zayn had told us not to stop.
Harry told us not to stop.
How could we deny our two friends their last wishes?
So, just us three, we came out with one more album a year later.
We called it "Wherever You Are".
It was dedicated to Harry and Zayn.
--
"Liam, Louis-do you know how hard it is to say good bye to you two? It's like those times saying good bye to Zayn and Harry times a million. Plus, your faces makes this even harder. Right now, Louis, you're sleeping next to me in that plastic hospital chair, scooted right by my bed. Liam, you are on the other side. Your hand is over mine and I don't want to move (that's probably why this letter's real sloppy...your hand is on my left hand so I'm writing with the other) Your hair is all messy, but it looks beautiful, and it makes me so happy you let it get curly again 'cause you know how I liked your curls, Liam. Liam and Louis, do you know how much I'm going to miss you two boys? We've grown even closer than before after we lost Harry and Zayn. God, I miss them but I know I'll see them soon. I swear of it. I'll miss you both a lot. It's too much to even put into words, and I've never been good with words anyways. I can just picture you two crying when you read this letter, like you cried when you found out I only had a few weeks to live, like you cried when Harry died, like you cried when Zayn died and...that's what makes me the saddest. I don't care about leaving the world behind anymore, boys, because the only part of the world I've seen for the past two weeks is the television screen and my hospital room. The only thing I care about leaving behind is you. So if you're reading this, Liam and Louis, I love you SO much. And if you're reading this, it means I finally took your words to heart, when you told me 'it's okay to let go if you're hurting, I don't want to see you in pain anymore'. Thank you for that, it makes this a little easier, but not much. I've finally let go Liam and Lou, but I haven't let go of my memories or my love you for you boys. I love you and we'll meet again someday. And if you ever feel sad, remember I'm not in pain anymore, okay? The only pain I'll have when I'm gone is heartbreak from missing you xx Keep smiling, keep laughing, keep making music. I'm going to be with Harry and Zayn now. Brothers and friends forever x Niall"
--
Two years and forty-seven days after Harry was buried, Niall passed away.
It was so hard, watching another one of my brothers pass away from the same type of disease.
Cancer. It was a terrible irony, a terrible fate.
Louis and I-we were the only ones left.
We became inseparable, we fell into such a deep depression.
The two of us would just read the letters over and over.
We didn't want to make music any more, we didn't want to sing, we didn't want to smile.
But we did, though.
How could we deny our closest friends and brothers their dying wishes?
So, one year later we came out with a new album.
We called it "See You Someday".
We dedicated it to Zayn, Harry and Niall.
--
"You want to know something really dumb, Liam? The first thing I thought when I got diagnosed a year ago and started treatment was 'I'm finally going to see my three boys again'. Isn't that ridiculous? Being happy to leave, even though I was going through pain and about to die. I'm happy to be with them again, but I'm so sad to let you go. Liam, you became my crutch once we were the last two. Remember when they buried Niall and we both sat at his headstone, the one right next to Harry's and right next to Zayn's? Remember when it began to rain and you got an umbrella and we sat their together in the grass? God, thinking of these memories isn't making this easier. I thought maybe remembering some of the past would make going into the future easier to handle, but that's another dumb thing I thought. This letter is awful, I'm so tempted to rip it into shreds, but my head hurts so bad and I know if I stop writing this one, I won't be able to write another. If I could, I'd write a million reasons why I love you, Liam, and why you've made my life so amazing and wonderful and how grateful I am for you being there for me always and the two of us helping each other cope and get by, but I can't. I can hardly write anymore, I can hardly see anymore, Liam. My vision's nearly going, God, I hope you can read this. The damn cancer just can't even let me write my last words in pretty handwriting. There's me being dumb again. The handwriting doesn't matter...all that matters is the words. Liam, I loved you and the boys more than my shoddy handwriting can ever convey. I just want you to know that every time when you thought I was sleeping and you sang quietly at my bedside, I could hear you. Your voice became like my soundtrack, keeping me fighting on, keeping me alive for another day. But Zayn, Harry, Niall...their voices are calling me now. I can hear them, I can hear them. No matter what happens, just don't ever stop singing. In fact, I want you to sing at my funeral. Wow, just thinking about that, my funeral...dying...but I'm not afraid, Liam. Because I can hear you singing when I close my eyes and it makes everything feel okay again. I'm glad the last voice I hear before I die will be yours, Liam. Right now, now, I can hear Harry and Zayn singing, Niall's reaching his hand out to me....My hands are starting to shake and it's getting hard to breathe, God, I think this is it...I have to stop writing now....Just keep singing, I lov-"
--
Four years and six days after Niall's death, I was officially alone.
I wanted cancer to come and take me already.
The awful, terrible disease took my four brothers.
Why should I get to live when they are dead?
Why? Why? Why?
I couldn't sing anymore. I had nobody. I had nobody.
But, I made one last album.
I made one last album because you four boys told me so, you all said to never stop singing and keep making music.
How could I deny the four brothers I'd loved the most their last dying wishes?
I could not.
I came out with the album six months later-it was rushed and it was sloppy, but everyone understood.
I called it "See You Soon".
I dedicated it to the four of you, boys.
It went double platinum in one week.
--
Ten years later, he's got four letters clutched in his hands.
All of the letters are worn with time, all of the letters are tear-stained and wrinkled.
He can recite each letter easily, he's had a lot of time to read them and memorize them.
Liam hadn't done much but read letters and sit in bed lately.
The disease had finally gotten him, too.
It was inevitable fate it seemed.
When Liam was diagnosed, he refused any attempt at treatment.
All Liam did all day was read his letters and sleep.
When people came to visit him, he did not speak.
On his last day, Liam asked to visit the cemetery.
The nurses were surprised to hear him speak, his voice was weak.He was weak, he was pale, he was fragile.
His dying wish was to visit the gravestones he'd seen over and over one last time.
Who were they to deny a man his dying wish?
So, after a lot of money and pleading, two nurses accompanied Liam to the cemetery.
--
Liam sits at the grave site he knew so well.
He folds the letters over and over in his pale, thin hands.
He smiles at the four headstones in front of him.
He asks for a pen and paper, which the nurses bring to him.
"I always wanted to be strong for you boys. I always wanted to protect you from everything. I was the one who made sure you got home safe. I was the one who made sure you got the care you needed when you were ill. I was the shoulder to cry on. I was like your big brother, even though I was not the oldest. I watched all four of you dying, I went to all four funerals. I visited your headstones every week, sometimes more. It kills me that none of you will be by my side as I pass. But I know that the four of you will be waiting for me on the other side. I know I'll be welcome with blues and green and hazel. I know I'll be welcomed with warmth and light. I know that we'll be One Direction again. I'm writing this even though I don't think you boys will ever read it. I'll be able to tell you these words in person soon enough. I love you boys more than anything. I told you I'd 'See You Soon' and I meant it. The album was made ten years ago, I hope this is soon enough. I love you boys."
Liam clutches the letter in his hand. He folds it into the shape of a paper airplane and sends it spiraling towards the sky.
The plane floats and floats, bathing in sunlight.
The paper plane nosedives and crash lands into the empty space beside Louis' grave.
Liam is buried in that spot three days later.
--
"We missed you, Liam! We missed you so much!"
"We're together again!"
"You've gotten old, my friend."
"My boy! My boy! All my boys together!"
Liam opens his eyes to sunlight and clouds.
Four familiar faces are above him, four familiar voices ring out with affectionate and joy.
"Welcome home, Liam."
And they were One Direction once more.