'cause i'm a fucking mess sometimes
GROWING UP, CECILIA NEVER GOT TO EXPERIENCE MUCH OF a childhood. While children her age were playing with toys and fingerpainting the walls of their homes, she was reading books so heavy that she could barely hold them up and learning to rule with her mind and not her heart.
However, as much as the girl tried to be perfect, she would still make errors as she went along for she was human and that was in her nature. Her parents understood this not and for every mistake she made (though they were few), she would be taught a lesson.
When Cecilia was four years old, she learnt her first lesson as a Lestrange.
She was not to do the work that was to be done by slaves.
The pitter-patter of small feet could be heard as the infant ran down the hallway and into the kitchen. At the time, Cecilia Lestrange was a hurricane of energy and unpredictability. The girl whirled around the Lestrange Manor, carefree and oblivious like the wind as to what she would leave in her wake.
She entered the kitchen, her dark hair in two pigtails with dark purple ribbons tied at the base of each one. She was wearing a dark green and purple sundress while her feet were bare, the cool tiles tickling the underneath of her toes. Her mother loved to see her in these colours, for purple represented royalty and green, ambition and slyness; all the things that they had made Cecilia believe she was.
In the kitchen, Buford (one of the family's many house elves) was currently sweeping the floor. With a bright and exuberant smile on her face, Cecilia reached for the broom, "I want to help!"
"No, no," Buford said, bowing his head, "Young Mistress is not to help Buford. This is Buford's job. "
"But I want to," she said, her small lips curling into a pout and her soft brown eyes twinkling as she reached out for the broom once again. Cecilia knew not yet the rules that guided the Sacred Twenty-Eight and kept them pure and whole (at least, most of them). She was young, naive, clueless. But that, that would soon change.
"No, no, no," Buford refused once again, trying to pull the broom out of the girl's reach, "Young Mistress is too kind-"
"Too kind indeed," a cold voice sneered.
Buford whimpered and his entire body sagged upon the man's appearance for Buford knew what his presence entailed. The young girl turned, her dress billowing around as she did, "Daddy!"
Hyperion Lestrange looked down on his daughter, his face expressionless, "Cecilia, what have we talked about in the way you address me?"
"I'm sorry, Da- Father," she answered, bowing her head as Buford had just moments ago.
"And what, might I ask, were you trying to do in here?"
Unable to read into her father's monotone questions and blank expressions, the girl answered without stuttering, "I wanted to help Buford do the sweeping, but he wouldn't let me."
"Is that so?" he asked, his lips curling.
Cecilia, afraid that she had gotten Buford into trouble, reluctantly nodded. One of the things she did know was that house elves had to follow their master's commands or else they would be punished, and Buford had not followed the one that she had given him. Almost immediately, guilt began to fill her chest as she thought of the horrible fates she could've brought upon the small creature.
"Very well. Buford, you may continue your cleaning. Cecilia, come with me."
Hyperion turned to leave the kitchen with his back straight and Cecilia followed, waving at the still whimpering house elf before she made her departure. She didn't know why Buford was still afraid as it seemed that her father did not punish him. However, when she was curled up in her bed a few hours later, with red marks the size of her father's hand imprinted all over her skin, she realized that his fear was not for himself but for her.
Cecilia's next lesson came to her when she was nine years old. It wasn't the first time her parents and her brothers had gone out and left the girl home alone with the warning that she should stay inside. However, unlike the other times, this time, the girl had let her overwhelming curiosity get the better of her.
She was not to treat those inferior to her like they were her equals.
As she pulled back the dark drapes that prevented the sun's rays from entering the house, Cecilia squinted. Outside was bright, very bright, and it was something she was not used to.
Cecilia peeked outside her window and it seemed to her that there was nothing there. All she could see for miles was the forest that surrounded her house, separating her from the people that could possibly be living around her.
It was boredom and an unrelenting curiosity that made the girl slip on her shoes that day and tiptoe out of her house. She had become a master of sneaking around the manor as she often stayed up late at night, venturing to the library to read.
The girl stepped outside and closed the door behind her. She stood on the front steps of the house for a few moments, letting the sunlight warm her, before she took off with a great speed down the hill. Cecilia didn't know where she was going but she knew that wherever she ended up, it would be an adventure. One that she would definitely remember.
She wasn't wrong; she would never forget that day.
Not too long after, the girl had stumbled upon a small house. She wondered why she hadn't been able to see it from her room, but then she noticed that it was so short that it was hidden by the trees. In front of the house, there were three children (that she had deduced to be siblings) playing. There were two girls, twins, that seemed to be a bit younger than her while the other one, a boy, seemed around her age. However, that wasn't what caught her attention. What caught her attention was that they were smiling brightly as they ran around the yard, tossing dried up leaves at each other.
Though Cecilia had brothers of her own, she never had an experience like that. If she and her brothers were to interact, they would be stoic towards her; just like her father. She never knew caring brothers, but she had learnt to adapt to that.
"Are you okay?" one of the girls asked as they approached her. She nodded her head, outstretching her hand (as her parents taught her to do) as she introduced herself, "My name is Cecilia."
The girl smiled and her smile was big as she grasped Cecilia's hand and pulled her into a hug before releasing her, "My name is Ella and this is my twin sister, Elena."
The boy soon joined them, a boy who she would still call her best friend up to this day, "My name is Elliot. Would you like to play with us?"
Cecilia accepted and her face broke out in a grin. The quartet played until the day had started to turn into dusk and then the Lestrange girl bid them farewell.
"You'll come back tomorrow?" Elliot asked, his tone hopeful as the girl was hugged by them all. She was never one for physical contact (well, it was more that she never received any kind of physical contact that wasn't a punishment) but she welcomed their embraces as they gave her a warm feeling in her chest that she never felt at home.
The girl walked back up the hill, her heart pumping at the prospect of having made friends. However, when she saw what was waiting for her on her front doorstep, it was as if her heart froze, making her blood run cold.
"Rolling around in dirt with those disgusting creatures!" Hyperion shouted behind her as he shoved her inside the house. Cecilia slammed into the wall of the hallway, her head throbbing where he had yanked her hair. He loomed over her, his face as inscrutable as ever, but his hands were shaking in rage. The man took a deep breath and shook his head.
"Go to the bathroom and try to wash all of that grime off of you; and go straight to your room and stay out of my sight."
She simply nodded, her voice small as she said, "Yes Father."
As she walked to her room, her eyes stung with tears but she refused to let them spill. Only when she climbed into the bath did she let them fall silently, the tears blending in with the water from the shower.
Cecilia did not get to leave her room for a week after that occasion as her father could barely stand the sight of her. She remained in her chambers without food and drink and the girl opted to staring out of her window, thinking wistfully of her new friends and whether or not they would miss her.
As time passed, the girl learnt more. This lesson was learnt after Walburga had come over for tea (which turned out to be wine) and had spent most of her visit appraising her sons, making derogatory comments towards Sirius and making Regulus seem like a golden boy (which was somewhat not true, Cecilia knew for a fact). As much as she tried, eventually Cecilia cracked and voiced her opinion on the matter.
"And all he wants to do is spend his time with Mudbloods and blood traitors!" Walburga exclaimed, taking another gulp of wine.
Cecilia had been sitting in the far corner of the parlour when the woman arrived. The girl was reading her Defense Against the Dark Arts textbook (that she had hidden with a book sleeve from the family library as she knew if she was caught reading it, that would be another lesson in itself) and upon seeing the Black enter, stood up to leave.
"No, no," Walburga said as she noticed Cecilia getting up. For some reason or the next, the Blacks had liked Cecilia (most likely because they knew not of how she spent her days in Hogwarts), "You can stay here and read."
The girl obliged and sat back down, continuing her reading on counter-jinxes. As time progressed and the wine continued flowing, it made it harder for the girl to concentrate on what she was reading as the women had become scandalously loud.
"You've raised a good bunch here," Walburga said to Cecilia's mother, "I would've thought the same of mine had it not been for that utter disgrace."
Something tightened in Cecilia's chest and she felt like she would suffocate if she didn't get the words out, "Actually, I think that Sirius is an outstanding example of a Gryffindor and that Regulus is definitely a Black."
Her tone suggested it was an insult but her words could not back that up. The two adults sat still, looking at the girl dumbstruck. Cecilia felt the heat rush to her cheeks and when she looked into her mother's eyes, she wished she had left the room in the beginning of Walburga's visit.
That was the first time Cecilia had known torture. Her nerves exploded from pain as her bones ached, the Cruciatus Curse leaving the girl trembling even after it was used. Her voice was sore, no doubt from the screams that she hadn't heard herself release, and her body was weak as she was barely able to drag herself into the bathroom.
Somehow she made it to the bathroom and she climbed into the tub, turning on the pipe and letting the warm water run over her aching body. Cecilia remained in there for some time, her mind in a daze.
"It's for your own good," her mother had said before she left the room. That was her parents' catchphrase after she learnt a lesson; it was always for her own good.
One of the last lessons that Cecilia ever learnt was taught to her just recently, over the last summer holidays. The girl had gotten wiser, that was for sure. She had learnt to sit back and observe the people around her while acting as if the stories she heard made her feel nothing. Stories of torturing Muggles and creatures, stories of bringing death upon innocent witches and wizards, stories of a man building a new court in which only the purest of the pure would be invited; a man that most of her family had begun to idolize.
This lesson, however, was different from all the rest. It wasn't taught to her by her parents nor anyone elder than her. Cecilia learnt this lesson from her little cousin, Regulus Arcturus Black.
Family was not forever, and in some cases, family looked out only for themselves.
This time, Cecilia was sat around an extravagantly decorated table with other members of her family and the Sacred Twenty-Eight. She was dressed like true royalty that night, the only thing that was missing was the crown on her long, dark hair.
She was dressed in a light blue gown which flowed all the way to the ground so that it dragged while she walked. There was a slit up the side, beginning at her midthigh, exposing her long and tanned legs. She had not yet gotten her new tattoo (she and Elliot would sneak away from Diagon Alley and sneak into Muggle London for her to get it on the day before school reopened) so she could flaunt her cleaveage as she pleased.
The dinner commenced as usual but it was tense, for obvious reasons. The rumour of Sirius Black leaving home and being blasted off of the family tree had spread like wildfire amongst the pureblood families and the rumour was confirmed when the Blacks walked into the Lestrange Manor tonight without their Gryffindor rebel son.
Mentally, Cecilia sighed. There was no doubt in her mind that her cousin had gone to James Potter's house (the two were as inseperable as two people could get would actually being conjoined) and she just hoped he knew what he was doing.
The tension had become stifling in the room as everyone noticed it but no one wanted to bring it up. The place remained quiet, the only sound being the occasional scraping of utensil against plate or clinking of ice against glass. Halfway through the dinner, Regulus stood up and excused himself, stating he needed some air. Before he left, Cecilia caught his gaze. While his face remained deadpan, his eyes betrayed him as they burned with an unsettling anger.
As soon as he left, Cecilia followed after him. The boy was quick and that made it hard for her to follow him (as she was in heels and she didn't want to trip and rip her dress) but eventually she caught up with him as the boy had gone outside into the garden.
He sat on a bench and put his head in his hands, tugging at the ends of his hair in frustration.
"It's okay to hurt, you know?" she said softly as she walked up to the bench and sat beside him, "I won't even tell if you shed a tear or two."
At first, there was silence. Then, as if her words had just hit him, he broke down into soundless sobs. The only indication that he was indeed crying was the shaking of his body.
Cecilia wrapped an arm around him, whispering soothing words into the younger boy's ear as he cried all the tears that he had been holding in for the past week.
"How could he?" Regulus whispered, his voice breathy and thick. If it wasn't for her close proximity, she wasn't sure she would have understood a word he was saying, "How could he be so selfish?"
Cecilia sighed, "Sometimes, people do what they think is right for them without stopping to think about how it could affect others. He was in a bad place and he wanted a way out, so he left."
"Yeah, but what about me?" he asked, his voice breaking. "Was I not in that bad place too?"
"I don't think Sirius saw that," she started carefully, "He only saw what you let him see. He saw the Regulus that you let everyone see. You do as your parents do and you say as your parents say even though it hurts you on the inside. You give up whatever morals and values you might have developed on your own to please them because he wasn't going to do it and if both of you rebelled, you could have ended up dead or worse. You do what your parents want you to because you know if you do it, they wouldn't care about Sirius as much and they'd neglect him. He may have seen it as you taking the attention because you want it but you know you do it because Walburga and Orion's neglect would have been much easier to survive rather than they put all of their attention on him. You gave up your options so he could have a choice."
Regulus had stopped crying but he looked at her with glistening eyes, "How did you-"
Cecilia smiled sadly, "I know because I do the same thing, just for myself."
She wasn't sure why but all of these occurences flashed through her mind when she was finished with the letter. Maybe it was because letters from home rarely came for Cecilia so when they did, it gave her a feeling of unease. If she was to be completely honest (which she rarely ever was), anything that had to do with home left her uneasy. Happy memories were rarely formed in the Lestrange manor and the ones that she had managed to create had been tainted with pain and grief.
Happiness was a weakness and being weak was not allowed.
Cecilia reread the letter four times before it really sunk into her brain. When it did, she held the paper so tightly that it crumpled. She started to hyperventilate and suddenly, her dormitory made her feel claustrophobic.
My dearest Cecilia,
The anniversary party of your brother and Bellatrix was a success. The day started out dark but it turned out alright. They looked like a lord and a lady during the party. Bella is such a darling. When he asked her what she wants as a gift, she said, "I want nothing but you."
I am sure that your brother has already told you but I wanted to do so as well. Also, this is completely unrelated but the house elves are behaving extremely well in your absence. They serve us even more efficiently than before. I am not even kidding, your father has agreed with me. You can ask him. It seems that they have finally learnt that you are not their only mistress.
Are you under a lot of stress? NEWT year was a very stressful time for me as well. All you have to remember is that overworking yourself will not help. What you must do is rest and eat well so you will have a lot of energy to do your exams. Not to worry, following your exams you will have plenty of time to relax. You will look back at your Hogwarts years and see them as the best time of your life.
Lastly, I cannot wait for your graduation.
Write to me as soon as possible,
Lots of love, Mother.
The thing is, Cecilia knew her mother. She had spent years observing and studying the woman's mannerisms; and she knew that her mother would never send her a letter like this one. A letter so casual and pointless.
Then, the letter's purpose hit her over the side of the head and completely threw her for a spin.
The Dark Lord wants you to serve him. You are to do so following your graduation.