*Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise.
*Special Note: The wonderful cover art for this chapter was done by the immensely talented CorolineThePheonix. I love your work, my dear friend. Thank you so much!!
*Author's Notes: Chapter 24 of 'Lost in the Fight' is here. I have to warn you in advance, this chapter is extremely emotional. I realize that most chapters in this story have been rather emotional, but this one is a bit of a tearjerker.
I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read, vote on, and/or comment on 'LITF.' No words could ever truly express how much all of your kindness has meant to me. Thank you so much! I hope you like the chapter. ;) CJ
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Chapter 24 - Waking Up is Hard to Do
Two days had passed since Donatello had awoken only to drift back into unconsciousness. During those two days, the mood around the lair had gone from bad to worse. The tension that hung in the air was so thick, it could be cut with a katana.
The only time that Raphael came out of his room anymore was for the occasional bathroom break, mandatory morning training sessions, and to cover his shifts watching Donatello. Whenever he did leave his room, he went out of his way to steer clear of his family members as much as possible. Even during practice, he hardly spoke a word to anyone. He would just go through the motions, and as soon as the training session was over with, he would rush straight back to his room and slam the door shut. He hadn't eaten much of anything the past two days, and from the looks of him, he hadn't slept a whole lot, either.
Michelangelo hadn't been faring much better. He had become far more withdrawn than ever before, and like Raph, he spent most of his waking hours locked away in his room or at Donnie's side. The negative vibe radiating from the once happy-go-lucky turtle was rather unnerving.
A few hours after Mikey's blow-up, Leonardo had gone to his baby brother, seeking forgiveness for his mistreatment of Donnie and for the many wrongs that he had committed against his family. Mikey had verbally accepted the apology, but Leo still felt as though his youngest sibling was giving him the cold shoulder.
The leader in blue supposed he should be grateful that Mikey was at least willing to talk to him, even if it was minimalistic at best. Mikey and Raph had not spoken more than a couple of words to each other since the day that Donnie had woken up for just those few short minutes.
Even though Raphael clearly felt remorse for what he had done, he had neglected to apologize to anyone for his actions. This had not gone unnoticed by Michelangelo and it only seemed to add to the growing tension between the orange and red-clad turtles. Mikey was generally not one to harbor a grudge over anything, but after the incident in the infirmary, he had been doing whatever he could to avoid any and all contact with his hotheaded brother.
Master Splinter had also become increasingly reclusive. While it was not unusual for him to spend hours on end hidden away in his room, lost in meditation, he now rarely came out of isolation. Just like Raphael and Michelangelo, he only left the sanctuary of his bedroom for restroom breaks, practice, and to watch over Donatello. The few times throughout the day that Master Splinter did emerge, it was obvious that he was distracted by his troubled thoughts. Leonardo had even caught his father just staring off into space several times during practice the last few days. Losing focus was something that their sensei would oftentimes criticize them for, but now, he himself was finding it difficult to concentrate on anything but his grief.
Just like everyone else in the family . . .
Donatello's condition remained relatively unchanged, which was, in all likelihood, the foremost reason why everyone in the lair was on edge. The endless waiting around was pushing them all past the brink of sanity.
When the genius turtle had opened his eyes on the tenth day after being critically wounded, his family had made the mistake of assuming that he was finally coming back to them. They had foolishly believed that he would soon open his eyes again and everything would be okay. But now that two full days had come to pass without any indication that Donatello was going to wake up, the awful reality that they were going to lose him had crept its way back into all of their hearts.
Many of Donnie's minor wounds continued to gradually fade away and his vitals showed some small signs of improvement, but his major wounds were far from healed and his pneumonia didn't seem to be getting any better. Then, there was the disturbing fact that he was still unconscious and unresponsive. He continued to be kept alive by a feeding tube and this was visibly taking its toll on his body. They could all see how sickly thin he was getting and how gaunt his face looked. Donnie had always been the thinnest one of the brothers, but now he looked almost skeletal, as if his flesh was hanging on him. His skin was ashen, practically taking on a more grayish tint than green. His body was so deteriorated, it made it hard to even look at him.
Hence the reason Leonardo currently had his eyes closed. He hated seeing Donnie this way . . .
The oldest turtle was struggling to keep his family together, not to mention himself. Like the others, he barely slept or ate, but unlike the others, he hadn't been hiding in his room. He had been spending most of his time in the infirmary, trying to be there for his family as much as he could.
It felt as though everything was crumbling down around him and there was nothing he could do to stop it. His family desperately needed him, but he didn't know what to do to help them. He was supposed to be their leader. The one who was supposed to provide them with direction and answers, but with his own hope dangling by an unraveling string, he was finding it exceedingly difficult to convince himself to move forward.
How were any of them supposed to move on without Donatello?
Opening his sapphire-blue eyes back up, Leo stared down at his comatose brother.
"Oh, Donnie. I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss you."
The oldest turtle wearily lowered himself into the chair next to his wounded brother's cot in the infirmary and propped his elbows up on the edge of the mattress. He then took a moment to rub his tired eyes.
"Everything's totally falling apart around here. I'm not sure how much more everyone can take. If you don't come back to us soon . . . I . . . I don't know if we can make it through this. Raph and Mikey . . . they won't even talk to each other. Mikey's not handling things so well without you. He's mad at Raph, and Raph . . . Well, Raph's just mad at the world, as usual. I don't know what to do anymore. I need your help with this one, little brother. You're the one who always helps me with this kind of stuff. Please, Donnie. I'm at my wit's end here."
Leonardo resealed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose, attempting to press back his gathering tears.
The blue-masked turtle's mind once again wandered back to the rooftop where Donnie had nearly died, just as his mind always tended to do whenever he was missing his brother. The memory of what had happened on that rooftop would forever haunt Leo. He could still see it all too clearly. He could still distinctly hear the last lucid words that his intellectual brother had spoken to him just before he had selflessly sacrificed himself in order to save them. Leo was guessing that reverting back to that tragic night was a means of holding on. Perhaps it was his way of desperately trying to cling to the sound of Donatello's voice.
As the final, heartbroken words that his injured brother had spoken to him that fateful night replayed again and again and again in Leonardo's head, the oldest turtle all of sudden realized that Donnie had actually given him the answers that he had needed all along.
Even from his unconscious state, the genius turtle still was taking care of them.
How could Leo not have realized it before?
With newfound purpose, Leonardo whipped out his T-phone and sent Raph and Mikey a quick text. He then looked at the analog clock wallpaper on his phone and estimated that his two brothers would both arrive in less than thirty seconds. He patiently watched the second hand tick by.
. . . ten - nine - eight - seven - six . . .
"Leo! Is he okay?" Raph gasped out as he ran into the infirmary, completely winded from his mad dash to the lab.
. . . five - four - three - two - one . . .
Just like the turtle in blue had anticipated, Mikey came bolting through the door with a half-second to spare. The youngest turtle immediately rushed to Donnie's side, his eyes wide with panic.
"Is he all right?"
While Raph and Mikey examined their still sleeping brother, Leo got up out of his chair and closed the door to the laboratory. He then turned towards his three brothers and crossed his arms over his plastron.
"What the shell's going on, Leo? Why'd you tell us to come down here ASAP? You nearly gave me heart attack!" There was fire in Raph's voice as well as in his eyes, making it painfully obvious that he was none too pleased to see no change in his immediate younger brother's status.
"Sit down." As he gently spoke the command, Leonardo motioned for his two conscious brothers to take a seat.
Without offering up any form of a challenge, Mikey obediently settled down into the chair that Leo had just abandoned. The youngest turtle had always been more respectful of his oldest brother's leadership than Raphael. That was why it came as no surprise to Leonardo that his hotheaded brother wasn't so willing to follow his simple instructions.
"I don't have to – " Raph started, but was soon cut off by his very frustrated big brother.
"Sit! Down!" Leonardo's voice was thunderous and intimidating – almost Splinter-like – as he violently pointed towards Donatello's cot.
Upon seeing the stern expression on his older brother's face, Raphael resentfully dropped down onto the end of the cot and slumped his shoulders forward in bitter defeat. He then folded his arms across his chest, similar to what Leo had done earlier, only with much more anger. As Raph wrapped his arms around himself, he scrunched his face up into a scowl to further exhibit his indignation.
"Okay, this has gone on long enough! You two need to work this out! Now!" Leo shook a forefinger at Raph, then at Mikey, and then, back at his red-clad brother again just to further stress his point. The oldest turtle knew that headstrong Raphael always required additional stressing of points.
The slumped posture that Raph had adopted just seconds ago instantly shifted into a more defensive position as he fixed a poisonous glare on Leo.
"That's why you called us down here? What? So we can hold hands and maybe sing some freaking 'Kumbaya?'"
While Raph growled his discontent, Mikey remained uncharacteristically quiet. The youngest brother just stared at Donnie, intentionally eluding eye contact with the second oldest turtle.
The two recently estranged brothers were acting like a couple of five-year-olds, pouting because they didn't get their way.
Fed up with the whole situation, Leo stopped shaking his finger, and instead, shook his head in frustration over how juvenile Raph and Mikey were acting. Sometimes the oldest turtle felt like he was their designated turtlesitter, not their leader.
"What would Donnie think if he saw you two acting like this?"
Playing the Donatello card was definitely a low blow. Leo was well aware of that, but he needed to say something that would cut the quick. Something that would essentially be the verbal equivalent of hitting below the belt. He had to get them to see just how petty this disagreement truly was considering their current circumstances.
When Leonardo glanced over at Michelangelo, he could see the tears welling up behind his youngest sibling's orange mask, telling him that he had gotten through to at least one brother. Leo then shifted his gaze to Raph and saw that his most volatile brother was staring down at the floor, evidently just as uncomfortable with the comment.
"Do you know what the last thing Donnie said to me on that rooftop was?" Leo muttered softly, trying not to lose his composure as he continued. "Right before he grabbed onto Tiger Claw's weapon, he . . . he asked me to promise to not let us blame each other for what happened. He wanted us to help each other to heal. Donnie knew that what he was about to do was probably going to kill him, and still, he was worried about us."
Upon hearing this, Mikey immediately lunged forward and buried his face into the blankets on Donatello's cot, vainly attempting to conceal his tears of anguish from his big brothers.
Tears started to glisten in Raphael's eyes, as well, but he managed to hide his pain much more effectively than his youngest brother had. The red-banded turtle sunk his top teeth into his bottom lip to keep it from quivering while he continued to stare blankly down at the infirmary floor. Once his lip seemed to be under control, he opened his mouth to speak, only to have his words came out far weaker than intended.
"Sounds like something the Brainiac would say. Always thinking of us before himself."
"Yet here we are, at odds with one another." Noticing that his own voice was starting to falter in confidence, just like Raph's had, Leo paused for a moment to clear his throat before talking again. "You know, Donnie truly is a genius. He knows us better than anyone. He knew we would blame ourselves or each other for what happened. Even in the face of his own possible death, that overactive brain of his was calculating how we'd react. He's so smart, he figured out that all this would happen. He knew that we'd fall apart like this."
Leonardo fought with all his might to keep from crying so he could finish what he had to say, but it was a battle he was not going to win.
"We . . . we owe it to Donnie . . . to help each other through this. It's . . . it's what he wanted . . . For us to help each other to heal . . . because we're a family. We're his family. We have to . . . W – W – We – "
That was it. That was the exact moment Leonardo was no longer able to hold back his sorrow. He cupped his hands over his face and started to weep into his palms, powerless to control his emotions. He turned away, not wanting his brothers to see him finally break down. He had tried so hard to be strong. To be the rock that they needed, but he just couldn't do it anymore. The pain was too much.
Raphael and Michelangelo exchanged guilty glances, suddenly realizing that the person they'd hurt the most with their anger was actually Leonardo. Their oldest brother always carried around an extra burden that the others didn't have to. He relentlessly held himself personally liable for anything that went wrong, feeling it was his duty and responsibility to protect all of them from harm's way. He was a glutton for punishment and a prime candidate for an ulcer. And now, he was a complete wreck.
"Leo . . ." Though Mikey's voice came out barely loud enough to even qualify as a whisper, Leo had still managed to hear it over his softening sobs.
After a few deep breaths, the oldest turtle twisted back around to face his brothers while brushing away the tears that his mask had failed to soak up. He attempted to gather his wits about him, but seeing Donatello lying there just choked him up again.
"I'm sorry, Donnie. I'm so sorry for breaking that promise . . . and for letting everything fall apart like this. I . . . I'm sorry for failing you." Keeping his waterlogged gaze locked on his wounded brother, Leonardo acted as though Raph and Mikey weren't even in the room with him anymore. He was too absorbed in his misery to focus on anything but the brother that he had broken beyond repair.
"You didn't fail anyone, Leo."
In two seconds flat, Mikey leapt up out of his seat and wrapped his arms around his oldest brother, pulling him into a much-needed hug.
A small squeak emitted from Leonardo's partially open mouth as his baby brother squashed him in his hold. The blue-masked turtle was slightly surprised by the force behind the hug. He just hoped that this wasn't how hard Mikey had squeezed poor Donnie when he had woken up.
After the initial shock of Mikey's crushing grip wore off, Leo was quick to loop his arms around his little brother's shell and lean into the embrace, allowing himself to be comforted by his youngest sibling. The oldest turtle could feel the stress that Mikey had been feeling the past twelve days start to rescind. At the same time, Leo could feel some of his own pent-up stress begin to wilt away as well.
The sound of someone gruffly clearing their throat could be heard from beside them.
Mikey spun around to see that Raph had slowly made his way over to where he and Leo were standing.
"Mikey, I, uh . . . I'm . . . uh – " Raph struggled with the words, hiccupping over what was supposed to be an apology.
Not wanting to waste another moment being angry, Mikey dove forward and threw his arms around Raph. The temperamental turtle grunted and resisted the physical contact at first – not really the touchy-feely-type – but he eventually let his guard down and hugged his little brother back. Mikey could hear Raph quietly sniffling against him and it just made the younger sibling squeeze even harder. Then, much to his delight, Mikey felt Raph return the gesture.
Leonardo stood next to his two brothers with his lips curled into a bittersweet smile. This was what Donnie would've wanted. Leo just wished that his smartest brother was awake to see it.
When Mikey noticed Leo out of the corner of his eye and saw the lost expression on his big brother's face, he hooked an arm around the leader and dragged him into a group hug.
The three turtles held onto each other for a good couple of minutes. No words were spoken during this time. None of them wanted to ruin the moment, but they couldn't escape the feeling that there something was missing. They all knew exactly what it was.
Simultaneously, they broke off the embrace and approached Donnie's cot. They all stared down at their injured brother through tear-filled eyes.
Mikey climbed up onto Donnie's cot and sat beside his brainy brother. As to be expected, the youngest sibling was the first to break the silence that had fallen over the infirmary.
"Remember when Donnie and I were captured by the Kraang that one time?" Mikey paused for a moment to steel himself, knowing that he was going to have a difficult time describing the frightening ordeal that he and Donnie had endured. He took a deep breath before going on with his story. "When they threw us in the cell that you guys found us in, Donnie was unconscious 'cause he'd gotten hit by the Kraang lasers that had been meant for me. I was totally afraid he wasn't ever gonna wake up and it would've been all my fault. Then, when he finally came to, I could tell he wasn't feeling so hot, but he . . . he still took care of me and watched over me. And when the Kraang were about to come into the room – " Mikey paused once more to collect himself " – Donnie was prepared to protect me from them . . . again. He didn't care about himself . . . only about me, even though I was the one who got us into the whole mess in the first place."
When his youngest brother let out a heavy sigh to indicate that he was done with what he had to say, Raph swallowed so hard, both of his conscious brothers heard it. The red-clad turtle was trying to maintain that tough guy exterior he was known for, but once again, his voice came out weaker than he had been gunning for. Perhaps that was because he was so shattered inside.
"I should've appreciated Donnie more, when I had the chance. I was always picking on him and being mean to him all the time. I was wrong to treat him the way I did. He deserved better than that. Master Splinter . . . he was right. We took Donnie for granted."
Leo and Mikey were both shocked to hear Raph so willingly admit that he was wrong and someone else was right, but they opted not to draw attention to the fact. They didn't want to spoil the moment by making Raph feel any more uncomfortable than he probably already did.
"It's true. We did take him for granted. I never realized just how much I relied on him . . . until all this. Donnie . . . he's always been there for me . . . whenever I needed him. He's always been there for all of us, no matter what. And he never asked for anything in return. Not once. We should've realized how much we depended on him . . . before it came to all this. We should've told him these things sooner."
Raph and Mikey nodded their agreement as Leo continued.
"I know we didn't appreciate him as much as we should have, but we're gonna make it up to him when he wakes up. That's a promise I will not break." As Leonardo made his earnest vow, his falling tears supported the sincerity of his claim. He was attempting to keep his emotions contained, but staring down at Donnie's still form made that an impossibility.
"If he wakes up," Raph said with so much hopelessness, it hurt the others to hear it. The words alone were so dreadfully funereal as is, but the way the second oldest turtle had spoken them somehow made them sound even worse.
"Don't say that, Raph! Don't even think that! He's gotta wake up! He's gotta, 'cause I don't think I can go on without him! I just . . . I just can't!" A pitiful whimper bubbled out of Mikey's throat which just about caused Raph to break down right there and then. The hotheaded turtle abruptly turned away, covering his face with his now trembling hands, unable to look at his two broken little brothers without going to pieces.
Leonardo tried his best to remain calm and reassuring while he watched his two brothers' resolve disintegrate. The turtle in blue had already lost it a couple of times. He couldn't allow his already distraught brothers to see their supposedly strong and level-headed leader burst into tears again. He needed to maintain at least some semblance of dignity, for their sakes.
"Mikey." That first word passed Leonardo's lips as just a breath, but when he continued to speak, he found his 'big brother' voice. The one he knew his youngest sibling needed to hear. Leo's features softened while he rested a hand on top of Mikey's left shoulder. "If there's one thing this ordeal has taught me, it's that Donnie really is the strongest one out of all of us. Maybe not in the physical sense, but he is in the spiritual sense. He never gives up on anything or anyone. He's the heart of this family. The one that keeps us together and strong. He always has been. He's our conscience – the good in us – and our center, and I will not give up on him. Not even for a second, because I know in my heart and my soul that he would never give up on us."
Then, as if on cue, a tiny moan could be heard from the turtle lying next to them.
In an instant, all three of Donnie's brothers were suspended over his battered body. Leo was looming over Donnie's bad shoulder, close to the genius turtle's face. Raph was standing next to Leo, hovering over Donnie's plastron. Mikey – who was still sitting on the cot – was hanging over Donnie's uninjured shoulder.
Their genius brother moaned again and his eyes began to flit about under their lids.
"Come on, Donnie. Time to get up, sleepyhead," Mikey pleaded, his voice taking on a far happier quality than it had for some time now.
Leonardo glanced over at his youngest sibling and saw the innocent faith suddenly beaming in his baby brother's eyes. The oldest turtle shuddered to think how badly it would devastate Mikey if this turned out to be yet another false alarm.
Fixing his gaze back on Donnie, Leonardo said a silent prayer to whoever might be listening before taking his turn at motivating his second youngest brother to wake up.
"Donnie, please open your eyes. It's time to come back to us."
"Please, Donnie. We need you so much, little brother," Raph added in a tone that would best be described as adorable. It was undoubtedly the sweetest any of them had ever heard the temperamental brother's voice sound and Mikey just couldn't resist sighing out an "awww" over the cuteness.
Raph was about to smack his youngest brother upside the head when Donnie started to stir again.
They all stared down at their wounded brother, anxiously waiting for him to wake up.
Then, the unspeakable happened.
Donatello went completely still, and suddenly, the awful rattling in his chest could no longer be heard.
To their horror, Donnie had stopped breathing.
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The last thing that Donatello remembered was blinding white light and being in excruciating pain. Pain in his head. Pain in his shoulder. Pain in his chest. Pain in his leg. The pain had been everywhere, crashing over him like a tidal wave.
How could he not be more than a little leery about opening his eyes again?
A part of him was tempted to take the easy way out. He could just keep his eyes sealed shut and wait for sleep to overtake him once again. It was far less terrifying and painful to simply lie there, wherever there was. Was it his home? The Shredder's lair? Some other country? He had no clue.
Then, there was another part of him that was willing to risk the pain of waking up if it meant there was even a slight chance that he might see his family again.
My family . . .
His lethargic mind vaguely recalled seeing all three of his brothers and his father standing over him in what had appeared to be his laboratory, but he wasn't sure if that had been real or a dream. The pain had been so overpowering, he could have very well been hallucinating. Everything in his head was in such disarray right now, he couldn't trust anything his senses had shown him.
He cringed at the thought that his hazy recollection of seeing his family could have been nothing more than a composition of his overwrought mind.
Then, there came the incoherent voices floating around him once again, just loud enough to cut through whatever state of unconsciousness he was in, but not quite loud enough for him to recognize who they belonged to. He strained to hear them, but as always, he was unable to decipher the voices into something useful.
As he had drifted in this place somewhere in between life and death for who knows how long, he had intermittently heard these garbled voices calling out. They would come and go without warning, although he wasn't sure if it was the voices that were fading in and out at random intervals, or if he was actually the one doing the fading in and out.
When he had first heard the voices, he had thought that he was passing onto the next life and the voices were there to guide his way. He had accepted his fate and was ready to follow, but as time crawled by, he began to feel as though the voices were calling him back to the existence that he had known.
Donatello now found himself at a crossroads, being pulled none too gently between whether to let go or hold on. Every time he thought he had it all figured out, the voices would come back again. With them came a strangely familiar feeling of warmth and comfort, but also a suffocating sense of apprehension and fear.
He had never felt so lost . . .
He had never been so torn on which path to take.
Letting go and jumping headlong into the unknown scared him, but at the same time, it brought the potential of a clean slate. If he let go, there was a chance for a new beginning. Perhaps making this choice would lead him to a better place where he could find acceptance and happiness, but he would lose his family. Was he willing to make that sacrifice?
On the other side of the coin, holding on and returning to what he had left behind scared him as well, perhaps even more so than death itself.
What if he was now a prisoner of the Shredder? He could be subjected to nothing but pain and suffering for the rest of his life.
But what if he was with his family? What if the vision he had seen was, in fact, real, and he was at home with them?
Holding on brought the possibility of seeing his family again, but it also brought the promise of pain.
So much pain . . .
Therein lay the impasse. Donatello loved his family above all else, but after all that had happened, should he go back, knowing that everything may have been damaged beyond possible repair? His relationship with his brothers, his body, his mind, his heart – were these things broken forevermore? After all that had happened, would his family even want him back?
Was he willing to risk the pain of being rejected by his family or tortured by their mortal enemy if he stayed?
Or should he embrace the opportunity to perhaps find peace in the afterlife?
Donatello was still of two minds about his decision, but the time had come to choose . . .
Letting go was hard.
Holding on was even harder.
He took one last breath before he made his final choice.
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To be continued . . .
*Author's Notes: What will Donnie decide? Will he choose to let go and leave his family behind? Or will he choose to come back to them? The next chapter will finally answer the question a lot of you have been asking: Will Donatello pull through?
As always, please continue to vote on and/or comment on 'LITF' if you are enjoying the story. Thank you for reading! Have a great weekend! ;) CJ