From my bedroom window, I watch as snow begins to fall onto the ground, creating a blank canvas that it just waiting to be stepped in. I only turn away when my stomach begins to churn so I dash over to the toilet. The morning sickness only started a few days ago and has been waking me up every morning since, except from today. I was having trouble sleeping; my mind was too preoccupied with thoughts of the baby.
I splash my face with some water and decide that I might as well get ready for school. I don't actually need to be there for another two hours but I know that I won't get any more sleep. With my uniform on, I make my way downstairs and get some breakfast. I manage to eat a slice of toast before turning on the morning news, the main headline being the snow because apparently the country does not how to cope with it.
"Hey, you're up early." My mum says to me when she comes down stairs.
"I had trouble sleeping." I tell her and she nods her head as if she understands.
Taking her cup of coffee, my mum sits down next to me, a frown takes over her face.
"You haven't done much this weekend. Were your friends not going out?" she asks, while taking a sip of her drink.
"They probably were but I didn't feel like it." I say.
How am I supposed to go out with my friends and act like everything is normal when it is far from it? I only just managed to get through school last week without losing my head, I definitely would not have been able to cope with the weekend as well.
"Hmm, well if I were you, I wouldn't cut them out of your life Kristen." My mum then says, pressing her lips together to create a thin line, something she has been doing quite a lot over the last few days.
"I know." I say before grabbing my school bag and coat, making my way outside.
The cool air begins to calm me down as soon as I step outside. I am the first person in my street to walk in the snow and like a small child that pleases me. I focus on each footprint I create, trying to make them as neat as I can so if someone started following them, they would be able to keep track. All that work is for nothing when I reach my school where there are footprints everywhere. It was nice to have the distraction while it lasted.
Heat radiates from the entrance of the school, making me feel thankful that they open it earlier in winter so we don't have to stay outside in the cold. Taking my seat in tutor, I get some of my books out to do some studying as I am the first one here. No matter how many times I read over compounds for chemistry, it never makes any sense. I only stop when I feel someone hovering next to me.
"You're here early today." Adam says to me, taking the seat next to mine.
"I could say the same to you." I say back to him.
"I'm normally this early. You, on the other hand Kristen, normally get here just as the bell goes."
"New year, new me and all of that."
"Kristen, there is literally three weeks left of this year, I think you are bit late with that."
"Whatever." I say, closing the chemistry book which ended up being useless.
Adam starts to tell me about his weekend but then Maddie walks in, soon followed by Laura.
"Do my eyes deceive me or is Kristen Mason actually sitting there?" Laura asks with a wicked grin on her face.
"It's a new year, new her apparently." Adam tells them with one of his eyebrows raised.
I can feel a not begin to form in the pit of my stomach, even though I laugh along with the other three, I can't shake off the feeling that they will find out somehow. I just want to forget about the whole situation.
"So, what amazing plans did you have over the weekend then?" Maddie asks me, pulling a chair over to our table, Laura doing the same.
"What do you mean?" I ask her, feeling confused.
"Well neither you or Cory wanted to go out at all so I assumed that Mr Lover boy whisked you away somewhere." She says, while flipping back her hair.
"Sorry to disappoint but that didn't happen. I just haven't been feeling well." Which isn't exactly a lie; I did spend quite a lot of my weekend throwing up.
Before anyone has the chance to say anything else, Cory walks in with a glum expression on his face. He does the same as Maddie and Laura and brings chair over to mine and Adam's table.
"Are you alright?" Adam asks him but all Cory does is shrug his shoulders at him.
I want to yell at him because he is not the one who is currently carrying the child, foetus, clump of cells or whatever else you want to call it because I am! I can understand the fact that he is scared and nervous but the least he can do is put a brave face on like I am doing.
Reynolds soon walks into the class though providing me with another distraction.
"Come on guys, you know that it is two to a table." He says as soon as he sees our little group all gathered around mine and Adam's table.
Laura and Maddie sit down at their table behind us while Cory walks over to his on the other side of the room. I am glad that he is sat over there because right now, I really do not feel like talking. That same mood lasts all day. In English, I sit beside Cory but I tell him straight away that I am not in the mood to talk. He says he understands but I'm not sure if he does. I keep this up all day, ignoring him at break and then again at lunch. In fairness, I don't really talk to anyone, I just keep adding my input into conversations every now and then. Maddie notices my mood though as she follows me to the toilet just before performing arts starts at the end of the day.
"Sorry for being blunt but have the two of you broken up?" she asks as I come out of the cubicle.
"Thanks for following me in here just to ask that because that isn't creepy in the slightest." I say while washing my hands.
"Kristen, just stop with the sarcasm and answer the question."
"No we haven't, why would you say that?" I ask her.
Maddie rolls her eyes at me before answering the question. "You haven't been speaking to each other all day and then neither of you came out over the weekend so I put two and two together..."
"And you finished with five. You were wrong both times. There was no magical weekend and we haven't broken up. I really was ill; I'm still not entirely one hundred per-cent now."
"Okay... I think you need to talk to him though." Maddie says so I nod my head at her. I know I do.
Together, we walk into the classroom, she makes her way towards the group she's working with and I sit down with Laura, Adam and Cory, knowing that I won't be able to avoid him in here.
"Today class, you are going to get the chance to start rehearsing in the performing arts studio. I'm going to call each group in and then give you some feedback. If your group is not in the studio, then I expect you to be rehearsing in here. Do I make myself understood?" Reynolds tells us at the start of the class. "Good, will group one please start setting up in the studio?" that is us so I get up and take my things into the performing arts studio.
On the way there, I brush shoulders with Cory, gaining his attention. "We need to talk but not right now." I say to him.
He lifts his head up to look at me and nods, "when is best for you?"
"Maybe after school? Do you think you will be able to come round? It doesn't have to be straight after, my mum won't get home until around six so we will have plenty of time."
"I'll be there." Cory says to me so I smile weakly at him, unsure what I should say next.
I turn my attention towards the performance and away from the baby drama, at least for a few minutes. The performance goes well, even though it is only a rehearsal, no one forgets any lines or where they should be stood. Reynolds gives us some notes afterwards on how improve further along with some work to do while we wait for school to finish. The four of us scribble down some notes, waiting for the bell to ring at the end of the day.
Five minutes away from the end of the class, Reynolds comes in with the last group, after seeing every performance. I begin putting things back into my bag, ready for the school day to be over. The last few minutes seem to drag by though as I think about what is going to happen when I get home, the talk that Cory and I plan to have.
"Are you coming?" I hear Cory ask me and realise that people are standing up and leaving.
"Yeah." I say back to him, slinging my bag onto my shoulder, getting up from my seat. "Are you going home or straight to mine?" I ask while the two of us walk out of the school building.
The snow has already begin to melt so the blank white canvas that I was stepping on this morning, is now a grey mush, soaking my shoes while I walk through it.
"I'll come straight to yours, I don't really have much to drop off." He says to me.
I nod at him as the two of us keeping walking through the grey mush which people are calling snow. We don't say anything on the walk back to my house, and I am disappointed to discover that my footprints have already been erased by other people.
"Do you want anything to eat or drink?" I ask Cory once I have unlocked my door and put my school stuff down.
"Just some water please." He says to me so I grab a couple of bottles of water from the fridge and hand one over to him.
For a few moments, the two of us just sit there in silence, unsure of what we should say.
"Are you alright Kris? Is there a reason why you have been ignoring my calls?" he asks after a few minutes.
"I don't know. Maybe I thought I needed some space to clear my head. It all just seems so unreal and I knew that I wouldn't be able face seeing everyone and pretending that everything is okay when it is not.'
'It also didn't help this morning when you came in looking all glum when I was trying to put on a brave face. I know that this is affecting you but surely it is affecting me more. I am the one carrying this baby, it is with me everywhere I go. I can't escape that." I blurt out.
"Okay, I'm sorry about that. I didn't know that was how you were feeling. I wish you had told me before hand, I want to be here for you."
"I want you here as well." I say, not realising that I have said that out loud.
Cory sits down next to me on the sofa, draping his arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer to his chest.
"I am so scared and I have no idea what I want to do." I whisper into his chest.
"I'll be here, no matter what you choose. Just don't shut me out again and I will try not to look glum." Cory says to me, kissing my forehead as he does so.
"Do you promise?" I ask, snuggling up against him some more.
"I do and anyway, you still have a few more weeks before you have to decide what to do." he says again, kissing me once again.
Instead of saying anything, I lean against him, just enjoying his company.