The cafeteria seemed louder than usual, despite everyone at my table being eerily silent.
The yellow, fluorescent lighting cast a sickly glow on everyone's face, but I was sure mine looked the worst. I was pointedly avoiding looking at my friends, keeping my eyes focused on the skin next to my thumb nail that I was picking at.
After my talk with Brooke, I went to Calypso's house. Maisie was already there. I sat them down and told them the whole story from start to finish. Calypso's initial reaction was to be mad, while Maisie mostly looked sad, which was different from the pity I expected.
After I explained it to them, I went home without waiting for a response. Brooke was still there, sitting on the couch when I walked in. I went straight to my room and locked the door. She didn't try to come in, anyway.
And now...Now I just felt nothing. I didn't feel relieved. There was no weight off my shoulders. At first, nothing was different, and then the absence of closure or comfort settled in and made me feel stupid. I should have known nothing would change. There was no reason I had to talk to Brooke at all. It didn't accomplish anything. It didn't make me less scared. It didn't erase the last [ ] years from my memory. Didn't stop every nightmare I'd had.
So, sitting at the lunch table next to Ash, across from Cal, I was quiet. And so was everybody else around me. But it was just so loud.
"Em..." Maisie mumbled, minutes before the bell was due to ring.
I lifted my gaze from the table to look at her in acknowledgement. She didn't continue her sentence, just tilted her head in question. I waited.
"I think...what Maisie means, is...how are you?" Cal said, filling in for her girlfriend.
Lips locked, I shrugged. Everyone went quiet again. Finn looked confused, and it clicked to me that nobody had filled him in on what happened. For some reason, I had just assumed that Asher would have told him, considering they were best friends.
I glanced at the clock hanging above the cafeteria doors. Just a couple minutes left. Asher silently slipped his hand in mine, squeezing gently. I could tell he was gearing up to speak. I wanted to pull my hand away from him, but I resisted.
"Ember, come on. Why are you so quiet?" He asked softly, urging me to look at him. "You should be happy."
At this, I did pull away from him, my entire body jerking backward. "Excuse me?"
He looked shocked at my actions, eyebrows raised, but still being careful, like you would when trying to approach a wild bunny. It made me angry. I was sick of being treated like a small thing.
"What?" He asked, glancing at Calypso nervously. "You did it. You talked to her! Got everything off your chest. Isn't that...isn't that good?"
I scoffed, subconsciously straightening my spine while I gathered what I was going to say.
"Yes, I did talk to her. I said everything I had to say; everything I've been holding in all these years. And she apologized. And she cried." I said, staring straight at him as I spoke, using all my courage to maintain eye contact. "And nothing changed. Everything is exactly the same, Ash. I'm supposed to be happy? Really? Why, because I followed your advice and talked to my sister about the fucked up shit she did? Because she said she was sorry? Well, that's great, but I don't feel better. I just feel stupid."
The bell rang, cutting me off. Everyone in the tables surrounding us began to leave. Everyone at my table stayed still.
"This sort of thing happens all the time, to so many people. The only difference is they don't completely shut down. They continue living their life, being normal. Talking to Brooke...just made me realize how unjustified I was in my reaction. She's sorry, Ash. That's all she can be. And it will never change the past. But she's sorry, and that's more than a lot of people can say. So, yeah. I guess I should be happy. But I'm not.
"It's not your fault. I just need some time to decompress. I'm going home." I finished, standing and walking away before any of them could say anything. Silence followed me.
***
Brooke covered for me. She told my mother I was sick; came home because I threw up in the school bathroom. My mom believed her easily, because everyone always believed Brooke. I stayed in my room, staring at the ceiling for what must have been hours, until there was a knock on my door. I ignored it.
After the second knock, the person just came in. Although my heart rate spiked, I fought to keep my composure when Brooke stepped in. She stayed in the doorway, looking at me for a moment before speaking. I wondered what she thought when she saw me. I wondered whether she knew that everything I had become was a direct result of what she had done.
"There's a boy here." She told me, hand on the doorknob.
I guess I had figured Ash would come eventually, but I didn't expect it so soon. Then again, I had spent a lot of time staring at nothing. School was probably over for the day. If I didn't have all my lights on, I might have seen that the sun had set.
"Tell him to go away." I muttered, rolling onto my side. It was the first movement I'd made since collapsing on my bed when I first got home, and my shoulder cracked as it took my weight.
"I already tried," She said, "Told him you were sick."
"He didn't believe you?"
I heard her shrug, even though my back was to her. "Said he knew how to make soup."
I sighed. "Fine."
One step backward. "'Fine' what?"
"Let him up." I clarified, pulling the blanket higher, until it was covering my mouth, tucked under my nose. It smelled like me. Just me.
Brooke left slowly, as if unsure of every movement she was making. I heard her lead-footed steps go down the hall, then counted all fourteen stairs as she touched them. Indecipherable talking, then heavier steps ascending the same stairs. I closed my eyes before he reached my room, door still open.
"Emberly,"
"Finn?"
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this isnt like a plot twist or cliffhanger but it feels intense for some reason also sorry this chapter is so short its 3am ok im tired