My heart was pounding against my chest in every step I took on the glossy white floor. The creamy white walls seemed to narrow down as I approached the door. Room 301, it said. I brought my hand to a gentle knock, and her mother let me in.
It has been a week since Julia was rushed into the hospital. I was right next door, and I could never have imagined such a commotion outside of our sleepy suburban community. She was taken out of her house in a stretcher — unconscious and pale. They said she passed out in cold sweat, which had always happened to her, but never as worse as that moment.
Julia was diagnosed with leukemia a year ago. I was there when the doctors broke it to her family gently. Her mother sobbed against her father's chest, and I had no one to cling onto but myself. I knew how powerful her spirit was. She was my best friend. For everything that she has done for me, I couldn't comprehend on how she could deserve such a fate.
"Jacob, thank you for coming," her mother said. Her eyes were glassy and rimmed with her dark bags. She looked like she hasn't slept for months, but it was nothing compared to the girl who was lying down with wires through her body.
"Hey." I smiled and reached for her hand. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm... I'm okay." She took a deep breath with her mouth.
I could distinctly remember who she was before all of these. Her golden hair, green eyes, a dusting of freckles on the tip of her nose. She would get red whenever I teased her of River, the guy she had a crush on in the seventh grade. Her two front teeth were slightly crooked, but nevertheless, her smile was one of the brightest I've seen. She was frail, but that didn't stop her from skating. It was the thing she did the most, probably even more than breathing.
But now, it all fell apart. Her hair was nothing more. Her eyes faded into a gray jade, and her skin turned into a translucent porcelain. She tried to hide her fear and her suffering beneath her smile, but I knew every breath she took had her closer to be gone.
"Natalya? Is she here?" Julia's head inched from side to side, looking for my girlfriend.
"She had something to do. She said she was sorry she couldn't come," I replied with a monotonous sound.
Her face fell as she whispered an "Oh..."
You could say that Julia and Natalya were inseparable before. We were the trio of friends, until I somehow got the courage to ask Natalya out, and she actually felt the same way, too. While Natalya and I dated, she and Julia seemed to drift apart, since Natalya didn't really like me hanging around with other girls anymore. But I still hung out with Julia whenever I could. She and I weren't easily separable, either.
When Natalya heard about Julia's condition, she, too, felt heartbreak over her friend. Julia became a frequent patient in the hospital, and Natalya and I would always visit her together. Just except this one time.
"Mom, could you... step outside for a moment?" Julia told her mom. "I just... I want to speak with Jacob for a moment."
Her mom nodded, and exited through the door.
I turned to her, "So, what's up, Juli?"
"I... I just want to say how much I missed you, Jake." The sound of my nickname rolling off her tongue still felt the same way as the day she created it. It was way before Natalya moved into town, and Julia and I were nearby the riverbanks. We were both never given nicknames by our parents, so we decided to give each other our own. And thus, she was Juli, and I was Jake.
"Me too, Juli," I replied with a nod.
"Could you... could you give me a hug?" She asked, her face turning a shade of red. "I mean, friends hug, right?"
I nodded with a laugh, "Sure, Juli. Anything."
She leaned forward so I could wrap my arms around her body, making sure not to damage the wires around her. The heart monitor's waves increased, but I didn't need that to tell. I bet she didn't need a heart monitor to tell mine, as well.
"I just... I'm sorry for being such a mess," her breath hitched. Her eyes started to rim with tears.
"I'm just... I couldn't... I couldn't thank you enough for staying by my side, even though I'm like this."
"You don't have to thank me, Juli." I squeezed her hand. "That's what I'm here for. I'm your friend."
And then she broke her hand free from mine.
She started crying into her free palm, her breath hitching with heartbreak.
"Juli, please..." I placed my hand over her shoulder. "Don't cry."
"That's... That's all I will ever be to you, is it?" Her coarse voice spat out. "I'm just your friend. That's all I am."
"You are my friend, Juli," I replied. "You're my best friend."
She threw herself back into her pillow, facing the other way. She whispered something. It was soft, but I understood it completely.
"I want to be so much more."
I kept quiet to listen to her.
"I saw how you looked at Natalya when you first laid your eyes on her. You looked at her as if she was made of gold, like she was a goddess from the heavens," she started.
"I've wanted you to look at me like that for years, but all it took for Natalya was just a minuscule of a moment."
"You loved her so much, and it was tearing me apart," her voice broke into more sobs.
"How could you not see me standing there watching you as you fell in love with another girl? How could you not even notice me— the girl who has been there all along?"
"But you... River."
"How could you be so blind, Jake?" She let out a laugh. "I... I just pretended I liked him, so you would tell me who you liked, and it ultimately was not me."
A cold silence fell between the both of us. I wish I knew, but there was nothing I could have done. If I had known, it would not change anything. Julia really was just a friend to me. And I was grateful that she was.
'I'm sorry," I said to her.
She slowly turned her back to me and said, "I'm sorry, too. I just thought I should let you know... you know, before it happens."
"Don't you dare say that, Julia." I shook my head. "Do you really believe what the doctors said?"
"I can feel it, Jake," she sighed. "And now that I've poured my heart out to you, I finally feel that I am ready."
A year. Twelve months. That is what the doctors have told us of how much time she had left. At first, Julia's bright spirit did not believe them. She was still strong. She doubted she would fade in a short span of a year. I doubted that, too. She was a strong soul. But now, it was getting harder for me to believe it. I wish I could.
"Hey..." I took her hand in mine. I have only just noticed that her fingers fell perfectly into place with mine. God, I loved her. Just... It just wasn't enough.
"It's going to be alright, Jake," she whispered. "I'm going to be alright."
"No, I can't stand it, Julia," I replied, my tears brimming in my lids. "You're going to live. You aren't going to... you won't—"
"Shh... It's gonna be okay," she hushed me. "I mean, I'm hardly anything worth keeping, right?"
There she went again. Smiling, but in tears. Trying to keep others happy, while tearing herself apart. Just plain ole Julia. The girl who jumps in headfirst for anybody — especially for me.
"Julia, I love you so much," I said, holding her closer to me.
She nodded with a smile. "I know you do. I love you, too. So much. Too much."
Her head merely rested on my arm, and I placed a quick kiss on her forehead. Julia closed her eyes, and for the first time ever since this happened to us, she finally looked happy.
"I want flowers... lots of flowers," she whispered. "And if you could choose a day with rain, that would be really... nice."
And then she let go.