I looked down at the ground as I walked, feeling more unnerved with every step. Cami has been walking beside me, blabbering on about how she 'totally made out with Eric from third period at the bonfire on Friday.' She didn't ask me if I even had a good time there. She just kept talking.
I had to resist the urge to just scream at her for leaving me alone, while she was off kissing some guy.
She must've noticed something was off because she stopped talking and frowned.
"Everything okay? You're quiet. I mean, more quiet than usual."
"Yeah... why?"
I didn't want to tell her what was wrong, just forget about it. But she was my only friend and I needed to get that off my chest.
I sighed when she gave me a pointed look, clutching my books tightly.
"It's just... I don't get why you asked me to go with you if you were going to be fine going by yourself. I never really wanted to go in the first place..."
The words hung in the air for a second as she registered what I said.
"What?" She laughed. "You're kidding, right?"
"Sorry... it's just I didn't really know anyone and you just left without telling me where you were going or for how long. And I was just there."
"Well, yeah. The point was you would get to meet new people." She said in a casual tone, just brushing it off. When I didn't say anything, she turned around to face me again.
"Oh, come on Sam. You could've just talked to anyone until I came back. Did you need me for that?"
"Except you didn't come back. I was stuck there and I had to get a ride because you had gone home with some guy." My tone sounded harsher than I intended it to come out, and I froze as I waited for her reaction.
"Chill out. You could've asked anyone for a ride. Jeez, Sam, come on. Don't be such a drama queen." The way she said it told me it was playful, but the words really hit deep. My stomach sank and I almost flinched.
She was right. I shouldn't be bothered by such little things. Did I expect her to be with me all the time? Maybe I was a drama queen.
It wasn't her fault I had anxiety. It was mine. It was my fault that I couldn't even socialize without a near panic attack. My fault that I wasn't a normal person, like I used to be.
I hated that I couldn't control it...
"I'm sorry." I spoke quietly, slouching my head.
"It's fine. So, I was thinking..." She waved me off and kept talking as if nothing had happened, but I felt even worse than before.
I shut down as soon as her words sunk in, spending the rest of this already horrible, anxious day with my head down.
***
My feet felt heavier than before, each step weighing me down as if rocks were tied onto my shoes.
I could feel my eardrums close to bursting, the loud music pumping through my head. But I didn't care, I turned the music even louder, trying desperately to drown out the thoughts.
But the thing about anxiety is it's like being followed by that voice in the back of your head. It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. It gets to the point when it's the loudest voice in the room, in your mind. The only one you can hear.
It was four am when I woke up this morning. When I still felt the anxiety looming over me today, I felt let down by myself. Another day of feeling the way I did yesterday was like torture.
It had been months since I've been able to sleep normally.
So I turned to running. Maybe that could help. Sometimes it did, I think. At times where I was alone was when I felt safer from it.
I picked up the pace, already getting short of breath. Legs feeling worn out and my heart pumping fast wasn't enough to make me slow down. Beads of sweat trickled down my forehead and in between my breasts, evidence of the strain I was putting my body through.
I felt my heart sink a little as I got closer to the clearing. I didn't want to stop moving. Stopping meant letting the memories and the bad thoughts in, the ones I just wanted to get rid of. That's all I've really ever wanted. Was it too much to ask?
I gazed around as I neared it, expecting to be alone. I saw two people in the distance, and I instantly feared one of them would be Nick.
How could it be him? It was four o' clock, this is exactly why I came here at this hour. I had hoped to avoid him today, I mean, he did say he came at five.
The two blobs finally came close enough for my crappy eyesight to get a good look at them. I relaxed when I saw it was an oldish couple, holding hands and walking in the chilly, early morning air.
Crap. I wanted to be alone. And they didn't look like they were going anywhere soon. Not even this place which was supposed to be deserted at four in the morning was safe for me right now.
I was too overwhelmed, all my emotions had a strong hold in my mind. I needed somewhere to escape. My eyes darted to the opposite way the couple was. There was a downwards trail that seemed to lead into a place with trees surrounding it.
I impulsively moved my legs in that direction. I was so close to just losing it, and I didn't want to do it in front of those two people.
I sprinted towards to the trees, fallen branches and dry leaves making a cracking sound under my shoes. I ran in, not even thinking where I was going or how far.
Finally, I reached a barren spot where the branches had disappeared into dirt and there were only trees surrounding me, hiding me from any prying eyes that could see me.
I collapsed on the ground. I was exhausted, completely and utterly worn out, both physically and mentally. It seemed like no matter where I ran, I couldn't escape the dread and the hate and the regret I felt, building up inside me, drowning me. I had drifted so far from what I was, and I couldn't do anything about it.
I just broke down there, my knees scraping up against the rough dirt. I let myself cry and nearly scream for the first time in months. I'd promised myself I'd be stronger, for myself and my mom. But the anxiety made normal, everyday things so impossible.
My vision became blurry with tears, and I let everything out. Everything that had been building inside.
About five minutes later, I stood up, brushed the dirt and the tears away, and hid behind my mask again. The mask that covered my insecurities and the hurt in my eyes. I took in a sharp, shaky breath.
Then I walked away from that spot, coming back to the clearing on the top of the mountain, and any trace of what had just happened at my little spot in the middle of the trees was gone.
***
"Come on, we'll be late!" Cami announced, a grin spreading across her face as she walked inside my house.
I had just gotten home from another exhausting day at school when she knocked on the door.
"What are you talking about? Late to where?" I frowned and followed her into my room, where she was already rummaging through my small and limited makeup bag.
"I told you at school, Sam. The first fight is today." She reapplied her already glossy lips while I stared at her in confusion.
"Oooh. I love the lighting in your room by the way."
I shook my head and smiled at her ability to talk about anything and change topics so quickly.
"Focus Cami, what fight?"
"The boxing tournament! You know, you have a really sucky memory, Sam."
I couldn't help but laugh at what she said. Oh, how I wished I had horrible memory for the things I didn't want to remember.
"Why is the first fight so important?"
"Nicholas Carter is fighting this round." She said with a smirk.
I groaned. "Cami, seriously? The guy already hates me. Remember I told you about how he thinks I'm some stalker?"
"Come on, Sam. He won't even see you! There's so many people there. Besides, I promise you don't want to miss it. These things are awesome."
I sighed and lay down on my bed.
"Listen, I promise I won't leave you alone this time. It's going to be fun!"
I contemplated the thoughts for a moment. I didn't want to make such a big deal out of everything anymore, and make Cami think even worse of me. I scolded myself for caring what people thought about me, but it didn't really change my thoughts.
My voice was strangled and forced as I muttered 'yes'.
She smiled. "Good, let's get going then."
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