The music was so deafening I could feel my eardrums bleeding.
The seat I was on wasn't proper at all, if I leaned to one side more than the other I'd end up on the floor.
Not to mention the driver kept one driving and stopping in order to let the school children "jerk" in their partners laps *barf*.
I nearly fell onto the floor couple times well I had to hold on to whatever for dear life,
I abruptly felt my phone vibrating again.
It was my aunt.
The nice one. Angela.
I didn't answer though, wouldn't make sense anyway because I wouldn't be able to hear her.
So I decided to call her after I came off these death wheels.
The experience on that bus was horrible- one simple word to put it, all the windows were closed,and the air Condition wasn't working or it wasn't working well as the bus was packed like a tin of sardine's and did I mention the smell?
Don't get me started.
After I felt my phone vibrating again the caller I'd was my aunt.
Ofcourse I did what any sane person would do.
I neatly put it back in my bag.
When I was getting off the bus in the bus station this dude is gonna ask if I enjoyed my time.
I shot him a look with my eyes that could basically shoot bullets.
I went in a little corner and dialled my aunt, she answered on the second ring.
So she told me that Brenda wanted to know where I was.
If you think it was because she wanted to know about my well being yeahh you guessed wrong.
All she wanted to know was where her precious house key was.
So I told her that I gave Katherine the key to which she replied with an okay.
After I came out my little corner the same dude was saying sorry to ask if I enjoyed my time on the bus, after which he tried calling me of course I walked away without a second glance.
I went to my bus stop and there wasn't any buses there for me to go home.
So I saw a bus going half the distance so I went in and took a seat.
There I was in the bus thinking how I was going to reach my final destination when I was short.
When I reached the destination of the bus I got off and searched for an atm, I was successful in my endeavors and I was officially broke. Great.
When I reached home I confided in my aunt Angel a to get her perspective on the situation because I needed an adult perspective.
She replied with this:
"Sorry to hear. You should have called her before you left the house to let her know you were coming to give her the key. All of this could have been avoided if you had done that. I know Brenda can be rough but you have to stop acting so soft and be street smart. You can't cry for everything. Next thing you were already on the busb so you shouldn't have come off and walk back to her school. That wasn't a smart thing to do. You should've just continued your journey tonhwr house because you still ended up paying bus fare anyway. If Brenda can give you busfare all the time I'm sure you can step up and pay your own bank card with money. Another thing you shouldn't have gone into that packed bus. You had a choice. Ypou just have to be more smarter and aware when making certain decisions. All Brenda want is just for you to make better decisions that's all. That's yh reason why she behave that was with you.
So basically everything is all my fault....
I learnt that you never should tell anybody about your financial status.
Ever.
I mean I told my aunt about my debit card and how my father adds money to it .
Little did she know that my father hasn't added money to it in ages and that I've been using it to survive since I'm not working.
How can some one be street smart and I don't go anywhere? How can I know what to expect if I've never experienced it?.
Of course she's always right because she's superior than everyone else how dare I?
Of course its my fault? What did I expect anyway?.
It's always my fault.
I went to church the other day because let's face it I need Jesus in my life.
Urgently.
I actually had a good day at church.
Upon until I heard my phone vibrate when the ceremony was over and persons was lining up to go outside the church.
As I really the words on my phone screen the tears pooled in my eyes and I blinked them back quickly as I was surrounded by people.
I smiled even though I was crumbling inside.
But as the years progress I realize I've gotten Better at hiding my emotions.
I don't know if that's a good or bad thing honestly.
This message was from my sister and it read:
"My expectations of you WERE very High and that was because you are a "book smart" person. I have now realized that you are "book smart" but not street smart and as such my high expect have fallen. All you had to do yesterday when you were leaving the house was call to find out where I was.
You can't ASSUME that you know where I am. When you assume you make an ASS of U and Me, hence the word ass-u-me. The next thing is you know Katherine lives beside me.
Give her the key.
I always give you bus fare and extra. This time I didn't have any money. I got little money for my lunch at a workshop and I gave you majority of it. So the next day I had no lunch because o had to give you bus fare and then you wanted to waste out of it to come back to my house. All of which could have been avoided if you had just called! Upon reaching home I had to wait outside and yes it rained. I had to find shelter on my neighbors verandah. So you might have felt bad about the way I reacted but it affected Kelly and me too. You need to be thought full of your actions."
She then added.
" I have also been thinking: could you have managed living and going to school in New York? The world is a rough place... You need to stop being so naive and start getting tough. Or else you are going to have a rough time."
So I can't be the only one seeing similarities between Angela message and my Brendasmessage right?
I can see quite clearly where as everything I told my aunt she told herEvery thing.
Everything in regarding to the situation.
But you know what? People Learn From their mistake and I learnt that I can't really trust anyone in my family no matter what side they are on.
Its just so unreal that the first time I confide in an adult I was betrayed but you know what?
I'll get through it its not the end of the world and I'm not going to act like it is.
As I read the messages on my phone screen over and over again.
All I could think of replying was "F*ck you and your stupid expectation"
But I knew I would have regretted it if I did in fact say it.
So like any other person I seened her and I didn't reply.
Who cares right?.
Honestly she was my role model but when your role model isn't working out you become your own because what better person to look up to than yourself? Only you can let yourself down and I know I won't fail myself because I will be successful in the future with or without their help and when I'm older and successful I'm not going to rub it in their faces nope.
I'm creating my mindset that they didn't know any better which is why they said and did certain things.
I don't considered myself a genius but members of my family seem to think other wise.
So much that they Expect certain things of me.
I hate it.
I hate it so much.
But you know what I don't give two triple flying fcks anymore. The only opinion that matters is my own.
Its not the first shes told me I'm not thoughtful or I'm selfish or some other decorative word she thinks she's not or a can never be.
Then she brings up my college application.
Who the FCK does that?
Breaking down my self esteem walls isn't enough? She helped build them back when I was a child. But that's another story.
I'm going to remember everyone who doubted me.
You know what they say you fogibe but you never forget.
When I looked out the church windows the rain poured.
Poured so heavily.
It was like it was matching my mood.
I felt sick.
Physically.
Emotionally.
All the ally's.
So I did what any idiot would do.
I ran.
I ran in the rain like a little kid.
Was it worth it?
Certainly not.
Did I catch a cold?
You betch ya!.
Do I regret it?.
Not necessarily.
I hate coughing. So of course it sucked.
But it was my fault.
I did it.
I am to blame.
That day I felt like I wanted to get hit by a car as crazy as it sounds.
I wanted to feel pain. To numb the pain.
Don't get me wrong I'm no where near suicidal.
I'm anything but,
I have so many things to accomplish in life and I'm nowhere near.
So many people including myself to prove wrong.
And in order to do that I have to live.
So I'll do just that.
Im determined to. And I know it will be worth it.
If any one out there is thinking that suicidal is the only way out. For anything they're going through in your life.
You're wrong.
Yes I said it.
You.Are.Wrong.
Think about that satisfied smile you'll have on your face when you rise and overcome any obstacle you might be going through In your life.
I'm not there yet.
But I know it will be worth it.
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OK so I know I'm probably talking yo myself but am gonna ask anyway.
Do you guys want shorter chapters or Long chapters likes these are okay?