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"Let my blood only run out when my world decides. There is no way out of your only life, so run on, run on!" -Hot Gates by Mumford and Sons
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《Athena》
Hours later, Athena was still with Bucky. Her sessions with him were supposed to be much shorter than this, but she could tell that he needed company- not just to stave off loneliness, but also because the more he's alone, the more he's going to think about everything that's going on. And God knows he doesn't need that.
It was nearly ten before she realized how late it was. Her and Bucky had been engaged in a nice conversation about how the world had changed since the second world war, when suddenly she glanced at her watch and nearly had a panic attack.
"Shoot, it's already ten!" She exclaimed, eyes wide. She stood up in a rush, and just barely caught the slight disappointment in Bucky's face. She instantly felt guilty. She cast him a regretful glance.
"I'm sorry, James. But I shouldn't even have been here past eight. Mr. Caraway is going to kill me if he finds out I stayed later."
James immediately shook his head and stood up beside her, frowning. "No don't feel guilty, it's fine. I understand," he said quickly, and Athena nodded, but she saw through his facade. He really didn't want her to go- but he also didn't want to make her feel bad for leaving.
She stepped forward and put her hand on his shoulder, giving him a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.
"I'm sorry. But I promise I'll be back in the morning. If you can, you should try to sleep," she suggested softly. He nodded, and they both pretended he was actually going to get sleep tonight- but they both knew he wouldn't.
She patted him on the shoulder and turned around, walking slowly to the door. She hated leaving him. With his fragile mental state, she couldn't be sure whether or not he was suicidal, and the thought of him ending it all while she wasn't here had started to lurk in the back of her mind. But she couldn't afford to be taken away from his case when they'd only just begun. If he was in fact suicidal, then Athena being pulled away from his case would certainly increase the likelihood of him doing something irreversible.
She had to trust that the past two years of him hanging on hadn't been simply due to chance. She had to trust that he truly wanted to live.
Once she reached the exit, she entered her fingerprint, and the door slid aside. She entered the airlock, and, looking behind her, sent a wave to James. He smiled and waved back.
Athena's heart skipped when she caught sight of the light inside of him. His beauty was of something else entirely, and the only time he was even more beautiful in her eyes was when he as happy. She flushed as the door shut in front of her, and she promptly scolded herself.
Stop it Athena. He's just your patient.
She left the airlock, pushing the weird moment from her mind, and gathered her things. She hurried out of the facility in an attempt to avoid Mr. Caraway, and she had made it all the way out of the door when something else stopped her in her tracks.
She froze in confusion at the completely unexpected sight before her. Steve Rogers was sitting on the ground beside the main doors, his hands clasped together and his elbows resting on his knees. He was crying. Athena did a double take out of shock.
"Steve?!" she called, a deep frown of confusion on her face. Steve raised his head, and she saw that his eyes were brimmed with red. He tried to give her a smile.
"Hey, Athena," he greeted, his voice rough. Suddenly very concerned for his well being, Athena strode over to him and kneeled down to get a better look at his face.
"Why on earth are you here?" She asked, bewildered as to why Captain America was sitting outside of the VA State psychiatric facility two hours before midnight in tears. He wouldn't meet her gaze, and she noticed his hands were shaking. She put one of her hands over both of his in an effort to stop the quaking.
"I never got a text, and I...I just- I don't know. I got worried that he was really hurt. Or that he'd....you know...tried something," he muttered. Athena instantly froze, and her heart dropped into her stomach.
"Steve oh my god, I completely forgot to text you, that's totally my fault, I'm so sorry-"
"Is he ok?" Steve interrupted, finally looking up at her through his tear stained eyes. Of course he didn't care about her lame excuses- he just wanted to know if his friend was alright. She'd never seen the fearless Captain so broken down before, and she had to admit, it was a little unsettling. She nodded quickly.
"Yes, yeah he's ok. He just had a bad nightmare, and Mr. Caraway needed me to come wake him up."
"Ok. Ok. Good," Steve breathed out, his whole body relaxing. His hands were still shaking, however, and he looked exhausted. "I'm sorry, I overreacted. You just forgot, I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. It's not your fault. I'll just, be out of your hai-"
He moved to stand up, and Athena clenched his hand, keeping him down.
"No, Steve, this was definitely my fault. You have every right to be upset," Athena argued, sitting down on the ground beside him. The night was cold, and Steve's hands were freezing. She wondered how long he'd been out here. "I should've called you immediately. There's no excuse for my behavior. I'm really, really sorry to have scared you like that. That wasn't fair to you at all."
He shook his head and wiped away a tear that had managed to escape from his left eye. "No, it's ok. It's fine. I just freaked out. I'm sorry."
Athena noticed that he was unusually quick to blame himself for the situation. She wondered why he immediately pinned the blame on himself. But regardless of why he did that, she needed to get him somewhere warm, and preferably to a place where she could talk to him and make sure he was ok. She'd never thought of Steve Rogers as being unstable, but his current behavior spoke to an innate emotional issue, and she was worried about him.
"Steve, it's freezing out here. We should get you someplace warm. Come back to my apartment with me, alright?"
Steve immediately shook his head. "No, I'm fine. I'm not going to put you through that. Ill just go home."
He moved to stand, but again Athena didn't let him budge. She kept a tight grip on his hand.
"No, I'm not letting you go home alone right now. You need someone. You're clearly not ok, no matter how much you want to try and fake it. I'm taking you back to my place, at least for a little while, alright?"
Steve pulled one hand out from under hers and wiped his eyes, looking up at her with a fractured gaze. It was a while before he formed a reply.
"Yeah. Ok," he muttered, and Athena was left heartbroken by his defeated tone. She understood how deeply him and Bucky cared for one another, but Steve was so negatively affected by this incident that there had to have been another reason behind his sadness. This breakdown seemed to be coming from a culmination of factors that she was blind to.
She stood up and helped him to his feet. He was still pretty shaky, and Athena wondered how this broken man before her could be the same man she'd seen for years now on TV, who fights aliens and enemies tirelessly and without fear. That man is a brave, shining beacon of strength, courage and honor. This man beside her now? He couldn't even see through his own tears as he stumbled after her to her car.
He got in wordlessly, blindly closing the door behind him and sitting in the passenger's seat. He looked absolutely exhausted. Just hours ago, he'd been bantering with her like a friend; now, he was ready to collapse. Athena couldn't even begin to address how guilty she felt for doing this to him.
She turned on the car, and soon enough the psychiatric facility was just a small dot in her rearview mirror. Minutes later, she was climbing the stairs to her apartment, Steve in tow.
Once safely inside, Athena gently guided him to her coach and threw a blanket of hers over his lap. He leaned against the back cushion and briefly closed his eyes. Athena wondered if he'd eaten anything since she'd left him this morning.
"Are you hungry? I can get you something," she asked in a soft voice. He opened his eyes and shook his head.
"No, I'm ok. Thanks though."
Athena didn't believe him. She was fairly sure that he hadn't eaten all day, and even if he had, he was weak right now, and needed at least something to rejuvenate him a little.
"Either way, you need something for a little bit of energy, so I'm going to get you something," Athena stated, and she ignored his half hearted protests as she made her way to her kitchen. She grabbed him a granola bar and a water bottle and handed them to him. He mumbled a reluctant thanks.
"I'm sorry again for not texting you. I really should've. I feel awful for forgetting," Athena said, her eyebrows drawn together in frustration with herself. Steve sat up a little and took a sip of the water before answering.
"It's fine, really. You were just doing your job and taking care of him. I shouldn't have worried so much," he leveled, brushing her guilt aside as if there was no reason for it. Athena shook her head.
"Your friend was in trouble and you immediately prepared yourself for the worst because, unfortunately, that's what you expect from things. That's a natural reaction. Don't feel bad for that."
He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and took a bite of his granola bar. He chewed slowly, and answered almost a minute after she had finished talking.
"I just don't want to lose him. I can't," he whispered under his breath.
Athena looked him in his bright blue-green eyes.
"And why's that?"
Steve sighed.
"He's all I've got."
Athena searched his eyes and saw nothing but the truth. He really believed that Bucky was the only person he had.
"You don't have any other friends or colleagues?" She questioned, and Steve sighed, taking another bite of the granola bar.
"I mean, I've met some people since coming out of the ice, and they're good people. But I don't feel like I belong with them. I don't even feel like I belong in this century. The only thing in this new life that I've that feels like home- that even feels slightly right- is Bucky. Sure, I've found some great new friends, and I'd trust some of them with my life. But there's something deeper between Bucky and I and I can't match that with anyone else," he explained tiredly. He rubbed his eye again and stared at the floor, rather than at Athena, once he was done talking.
Athena was fascinated by the mentality of both Bucky and Steve. Both had been through hell and back, but they suffered from very different kinds of pain. Steve's pain was more mental, as he was forced to live with knowing that everyone he had grown up with- everyone he'd ever known- was gone, or had become a complete stranger to him. Athena couldn't even begin to imagine how alone he must've felt for all of that time. Plus, from reading up on both Bucky and Steve, she knew that Steve went into the ice just weeks after Bucky's 'death'- meaning that although he'd woken up seventy years later, it'd only been weeks (to him) since his best friend had died. That's a lot of emotional turmoil to endure in only a few weeks. It's no wonder that he never recovered.
Bucky's pain was more physical, but he'd also endured a significant amount of mental and emotional trauma. He'd been starved, beaten, and generally used as a punching bag for seven decades. He'd been robbed unjustly of his memories and his life. His captors had carved out his identity in order to leave just the man- the weapon- behind. He hadn't been capable of even remembering Steve, let alone missing him. But what's even worse is that instead of being filled with despair all those years, he'd been filled with nothing. He'd been hollowed out and left out in the cold, with no way of knowing what was right or what was wrong or who he even was.
These two men have been through more pain than anyone should ever have to go through. And yet, they've come out of their trauma unbelievably strong- it's been over seventy years since their pain began, and they are still here and still fighting. Something inside of them is resisting everything being thrown at them, and is desperately hanging on to the hope of something better.
Athena had to admire them and their strength, bravery and courageousness. They are unlike anything this world has ever seen, and the world is better for them being in it.
Athena put her hand on Steve's shoulder. He looked up at her.
"You're right. You and Bucky have something special. But that doesn't mean you can't find happiness elsewhere, too. Every friendship is different- you can't compare one with another. Bucky will always be there for you, but other people will be, too. Accept the love they're offering, even if you don't feel like they truly understand you. You may not feel like this modern world is your home, but this modern world wants you to be a part of it. You should try to embrace your new life here. It's not perfect- it won't ever be the same as home- but it also has Bucky and all of your new friends. It's worth fighting for," Athena spoke softly. Steve was listening to what she was saying, and she could tell that he was mulling over her words in his head. "Bucky and you have a bond that can never be matched, but it's not supposed to be matched. It can't be compared to anything else, and neither can your past life or your present life or any friend you've ever had. You must appreciate things for what they are rather than what they could be."
He was silent for a long time after she spoke. It was probably only seconds until he replied, but to Athena, it felt like years.
" I-" he choked out - "thank you. Just - thank you."
She nodded. Tears brimmed his eyes again, but these weren't tears of sadness- they were tears of relief. Something inside him needed to hear her say that. "Anytime, Steve. Anytime you're upset, or want to talk, or need somebody - I'll be here."
He nodded with relief. The tears stopped flowing down his face.
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Hours later, they both fell asleep - Athena in her bed, Steve on the couch. All sounds - and thoughts - were silent that night, as both were momentarily at peace.
But, like everything else in life, their peace was only to be temporary.
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"And though we cry, we must stay alive."
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