I have been trying to wade off this sick feeling by keeping myself busy
And now I don't feel like doing that
The ways to take my mind off things
What difference is it gonna make
I am still gonna think about stuff
I am still gonna worry
I am still gonna crave for things, I don't have
Even being busy won't make the feeling go away.
This is a horrible thing I am doing to myself
I don't even have words to channel the blame
It's just crushing me to pieces
I don't know from where this feeling came.
I haven't slept good in few days
I end up waking up, again and again
I get so scared of my subconscious
Which brings back all this pain.
I fight this despair with all reasons and logical explanations
While I am awake
I am better at winning arguments in my mind
But still they don't go away.
The feeling come rushing back to me
When my conscious mind sleeps
I still believe what I am doing is right
But I wonder how long it's gonna be OK.
I know it's a test
To know my best
To see how capable I am
To see how worthy I can become.
Still what seems best right now
Is to take some pills
And sleep myself off
To dreamless, non-scary, eternal world.
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i wrote it really long time ago, i am not very pleased with this, but i didn't want to delete it either.. sorry if you don't like it,