iiiiiiiiiiii can't write sex scenes
WARNING: (POORLY WRITTEN) SEXY TIMES
I was so thankful it was a Friday yesterday. Today, Saturday, I busied myself with housework. I cleaned the bathrooms, organized my bookshelves (I have a bunch of old books), dusted every antique I owned, did the dishes, cleaned up my room, and now I was putting laundry away. My phone buzzed for the twelfth time that day, a permanent reminder that I did not meet Thomas outside after school. I've been distancing myself from everybody. I simply texted that I was busy. Except for Thomas though. I haven't texted him at all today and I don't plan on it either. If he wants to schedule fights with an inhaler boy then he can go ahead and wait forever for all I care, I'm not gonna bother canceling. It buzzed again and I set my laundry down on the floor, picking it up and glaring at the screen. 12 texts from Aaron Burr, 5 calls from Peggy, 4 texts from Maria, 1 text from Thomas. Only 1. Good.
It suddenly popped into my head that Thomas was not the kind of person that decided to only send one text. He was a double texter until the day he died. My loving side took over and I rushed to open my phone, almost having a heart attack when I read the text.
I'm coming over in 10 minutes.
The text was sent about 15 minutes ago. I dropped my phone and rushed to the front door, ready to lock it but there was already knocking. Mentally screaming, I froze, unsure of what to do next. The knocking was soft and gentle, similar to Jefferson the night we kissed. My mind got fuzzy when trailing back to that night. God, his hands on my body were sO GAY. JAMES OPEN THE DOOR YOU IDIOT. I rushed to the door and opened it, looking at Thomas. He had no makeup on to cover up the bruises I had given him. My wounds were worse than his and I looked down, afraid to study his face for the first time in years. He asked quietly in a monotone voice, "May I come in?" It was so unnatural to hear him like this, blank and dull. He had never talked to me like this. The only time I had ever seem him so despondent was when Sally broke up with him. But it had only lasted a few moments before he proudly put his arm around me and said friends were better than girls. I remember how badly I had blushed in front of him.
A hesitant nod and an awkward shuffle later and he was in my room, sitting on my bed on his phone, scrolling through whatever social media he was obsessing with this week. I was back to putting my laundry away, trying not to ruin the silence. But, it was an awful one. It was a silence that held sorrow and pain and grief. It laced around in the air like bugs flying around in the sticky summer air. Annoying, unpleasant, and something I think we both wanted to not have around anymore. Thomas was still looking down at his phone, entranced by whatever news he was reading. I turned back around to my closet and began organizing the clothes. Jeans on the upper left, tshirts next to that, suits on the far upper right, shoes at the bottom of my closet, boots on the left, shoes in the middle, flip flops on the right, scarves and hats arranged on the shelf-
"I'm here to apologize." He said. I turned my head and glanced at him to see he was looking back. His eyes looked unfamiliar, laced with a feeling I have never seen in him before. I turned back to the closet, suddenly angry. "Then do it and get out already."
"I'm going to."
"Then do it."
"I just don't know how, James. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong that night I just wanted-"
"Wanted a good fuck? Good to know. Get out."
"James you aren't letting me finish."
"Say you're sorry and then leave."
"Apologizing isn't that simple!"
"It can be if you tried!"
I turned around and let the tears run down my cheeks. My face was red, I could feel it, and my fists were clenched at my sides. "I don't tell people a lot of things, Thomas! I don't trust a lot of people, Thomas! I don't have a lot of friends, Thomas! But, I have you, THOMAS!" He went quiet, now standing up and keeping a glare on me. But, it didn't seem to affect me in any way. The insults overflowing in my head didn't affect me. I didn't drown. "I've loved you since day 1 that I met you and after years of watching you chase after every other girl and guy on the block I FINALLY admitted my feelings to you! On a day that I was already feeling helpless and broken! In return you said that you loved me and I fell for you! HARD!" Thomas looked down at his shoes.
It was silent for a moment before I started again.
"How wonderful it must be in your life. No problems, no stress, no anxiety, no suicidal tendencies, no depression, no mental issues, no asthma. How great it must be to live like Thomas Jefferson! High and mighty! How terrible it must be that now you finally have a HUGE problem," I gestured to myself, "and you are at such a LOSS FOR FUCKING WORDS!"
Thomas stepped closer, so did I. "James, I am trying to apologize for what I did but I have no idea how to! I don't know how to tell you that I'm sorry for what I did to you! I have NEVER wanted any pain to be brought upon you, especially by me! I should have never argued with you or hurt you in any way but I did and I am so FUCKING SORRY FOR ALL OF THAT! IF YOU COULD LET ME SAY THAT THAT WOULD BE GREAT, JAMIE!!!"
I growled and grabbed him by his hair, pulling him down and yelling, "START BY NOT CALLING ME JAMIE!!!!" Swiftly, Thomas pulled away, grabbed me by my waist, and slammed his lips against mine. My anger faded almost immediately and I melted, sinfully allowing myself to wrap my arms around his neck. He pinned me to the desk, slipping his hands up my shirt and running them over my body. I pulled on his hair and he growled, moving to my neck. It was almost a repeat of the things we did the other night, but this time I made no move to stop him. Everything was going so so fast, and it felt so wrong somehow. Love was slow. Love was patient. This was the opposite. My brain was going a mile a minute, so I didn't know what was going through my head at that moment. I'm not sure if I thought sex would guarantee a relationship or if I just needed to blow off steam by getting hot and steamy with my crush. Either way, he had me on the bed in no time and I managed to stammer out, "Thomas, I-I'm a virgin, I've never, like, um." My vocabulary wasn't that big when it came to things like this. Sure, the words roamed around in the back of my head but they would never actually reach my vocal chords.
Thomas stopped and looked down at me, panting a bit. My eyes lingered to his now bare chest and tight jeans. The window on the other side of the room was wide open, letting in the reds and golds of the sunset. It outlined Thomas, portraying him like he was a knight in shining armor or an angel from heaven. Either way I completely blanked on whatever he just said. Before I could ask for him to repeat himself he was already taking off his jeans, a smug smirk on his face. There was the Thomas I knew too well. The unfamiliar feeling in his eyes from before seemed to be clearer now.
Want. Need. Lust. Love. Passion. Worry. Sympathy. It was a blurred, scrambled, messed up combination of the feelings, swimming around in his rich brown eyes. He kissed me once more, softer and more gentle than before. I prayed it wouldn't hurt. I prayed he wouldn't go overboard. I've heard talk from girls at school about Jefferson when he gets drunk at parties. I got nervous and instinctively grabbed his hand for reassurance. He smiled softly and kissed my head.
"Hey," He whispered, his tone softer than anything I had ever heard him say. "I said I was going to be gentle... If you want me to stop at any time just say the words and I'll stop immediately. We can forget this happened and just snuggle all night okay?" I couldn't find my voice so I just nodded, allowing him to continue taking my jeans off. The reality of the situation dawned on me in that moment and I thought back to every single health class that I was ever forced to go through in school. HIV could be spread through sex. Jefferson has sex a lot. He would know though, right? I'm not going to get AIDS if I do this right? Thomas has gotten checked right?
Fear flooded my system and I shook my head, clutching onto his arm. He noticed immediately and I realized he hadn't even finished the buttons on my jeans. Meanwhile he was only in his boxers.
"James, babe, talk to me. What's wrong?" He whispered, taking my my hand and soothingly running his thumb over the top. I couldn't seem to form words in my head as he sat back and looked at me. The same loving, sympathetic look in his eye he had before still there. And, like the idiotic crybaby I was, broke down into sobs, hugging him and burying my head in his bare chest. Thomas sighed and wrapped his arms around me, placing a kiss on my forehead. "It's alright, deep breaths. I'm right here. We don't have to do anything that you're not comfortable with." He whispered, rubbing circles on my back. I nodded and wiped my eyes with the bed sheet.
"I-I just... I got... s-s-scared... Stupid health class filling me with all-all these dumb fears..." I mumbled, leaning my head against his chest. It was dark out now and the room was flooded in darkness. Thomas kissed my head. "Like I said, that's ok. We don't have to do anything you aren't okay with, James. Instead, we can lay down and talk or go to sleep or do whatever you want."
I realized he wanted an answer as to what I want and I froze. Honestly, I wasn't sure what I wanted. Okay. Time to wing it. "I guess um... just... laying down and talking. I guess." He nodded and we got under the covers. He pulled me close and smiled at me. God that smile made my heart flutter. He whispered, "You wanna talk about why you were afraid?" I looked away, eyeing the clock on the wall. Only 8:30 pm. I blurted out, "I thought you had AIDS." WOW. GREAT JOB JAMES. YOU ARE THE SMARTEST PERSON ON EARTH. CONGRATULATIONS. YOU'VE INVENTED A NEW KIND OF STUPID. BRAVO. Thomas snickered and kissed my cheek. "Explain a bit, please?"
"How many people have you had sex with?"
"Uh... Like... 3."
"That's a lot."
"No it isn't. How could I get any type of disease from 3 people?"
"Those 3 people have had sex with other people. Those people have had sex with other people. Not to mention HIV can spread through family trees as well... I just got scared."
"Alright, that's pretty reasonable. I'll accept that. If you want I could go to the hospital and get checked."
I smiled and kissed him, our hands intertwining under the blankets. "That would be nice." I began to slowly drift off and Thomas still had his arms wrapped around me, one hand intertwined with mine. He began to hum something, one of the violin pieces he plays a lot, and I fell asleep next to him.