Anna looked at her phone, ignoring the movie that played on the television and willing Titus to call back. She'd done the same last night, after she'd called Titus to see how he'd been doing. He hadn't answered then, either, leaving her where she was now. Staring at a slim piece of technology that was more silent than ever and lying to her friend about there being nothing wrong.
Sam let out a loud laugh then, giggling uncontrollably at something that Ron Burgundy had just said in his debut Anchorman. Anna's lips didn't even twitch; instead, she just felt the deep frown that hadn't left her face since yesterday, when Titus had walked out that door. The frown wouldn't be here, she knew, if the man would have at least called back. He always called back. Even when he didn't want to talk, he called back. But he hadn't, and Anna felt sick.
She felt sick, and she felt tired, and she hated it. She hated herself for not being able to trust Titus, for continuously comparing him to Hunter even though she knew that her husband was a man worthy of her trust – or at least, she thought she'd known. Now, now with these bullshit excuses and un-returned calls, Anna wasn't so sure. She didn't want to think it, but the suspicion just wouldn't go away.
She'd grown since the time Hunter had cheated on her, that was for sure. Ever since that asshole of a man had dumped her on her ass with a baby in her stomach, Anna'd changed into a woman who knew what she wanted. A woman who could be decisive in the people she trusted and the people she didn't. She had known that Titus was one whom she could depend on when times were tough, but now, she was at a loss.
The only thing keeping her from falling into an abyss that she knew awaited her was her friend. Anna'd called her last night, a little after ten at night. Sam had come right away, not even asking any questions until she'd arrived, a carton of chocolate ice cream in hand.
Her friend had asked what was wrong. Anna had lied, saying that she just missed seeing Sam every day. She knew that the sharp woman saw through it, but Sam hadn't said anything about it and had instead focused her attention on little Ella who had been abnormally quiet last night.
Usually, her baby woke up every four hours or so, at least two times a night, and then stayed up for most of the day. Even when she'd started coughing on her formula this morning, Ella'd stayed quiet, none of her usual crying coming out. It was as if she could feel exactly what Anna felt – as if she knew her daddy was absent and something was wrong.
Now her baby just slept, cuddled up in Anna's arms with her pacifier in plump, drooling lips. Cradling Ella closer to her hurting chest, she planted a kiss on her two-month-old's forehead before clearing her throat and directing her attention to the movie. She looked just in time to see Brick impale a man with a trident.
“Ha,” she said drily, not even a fake laugh coming through her lips.
“I thought you liked this movie.”
Anna didn't just like it; she loved it. As a devoted Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, and Paul Rudd fan, she'd made it her goal ten years ago to see the movie. The only thing that kept her from laughing at it now was the fact that Titus had been the one to take her to it. She'd been seventeen, and he'd been twenty-two. Both of them just a brother and sister back them.
“I like it,” she said after a few minutes. “Why else would I own it?”
Sam narrowed her eyes at her, but still said, “Okay.”
“Okay.” Anna nodded and fidgeted at her spot on the couch.
Her foot came in contact with the very same tub of chocolate ice cream Sam'd brought over last night, the plastic carton not chilling her skin. Anna wasn't surprised. After all her crying last night that she'd blamed on the hormones, she'd devoured that carton as if it were her last meal. The eggs she'd had for breakfast this morning contradicted her “last meal” splurge, but Anna didn't care. With the way things were going, Titus wouldn't be back any time soon.
“Anna,” her friend said from beside her.
“Yeah?”
“When are ya gonna tell me what's wrong?”
“I already told you,” Anna muttered, “there's nothing wrong. I just wanted to have a girls' night and watch some movies.”
“Bullshit.”
Anna covered Ella's ears, casting a glare her friend's way. “Watch your language.”
“I swear around Kyle all the time.”
“What's that-”
“He never swears.”
“That's because he's a grown man.”
“That he is.”
Anna could only smile at the gleam she found in Sam's eyes as they talked about her husband, not knowing what to say to that – especially when this jealousy coursed through her. She envied the woman whose husband didn't make her sick and doubt everything.
Sam turned her attention back onto the movie. “I just want to make sure you're okay.”
Anna cradled Ella closer to her chest, finding reassurance in her daughter's small body. She didn't want to talk about this with her friend, and yet, there was something inside her that told her she was wrong. It made her want to expel all of the secrets. It wanted her to tell somebody – just one person – about what had really happened.
“Ya wanna do something?”
“We're watching a movie,” she answered, as if that would fend off Sam.
“I'd hardly call that 'doing something'.”
They lapsed into silence moments later. Of course, after a few moments, Sam forgot that it took silence in order to watch a movie, and for the rest of the film, Anna fought off all the nerve-wracking questions until the last one finally just pushed her over the edge.
“No. I'm not sick! For the love of God, I am fine! I told you, I just wanted to have a movie night.” With a huff, she got out off the couch as angrily as she could with her sleeping daughter in her arms.
“But it's the afternoon after the movie night.”
She checked the clock, seeing that it was already four. “Movie afternoon. Same thing.”
Most likely sensing her mother's distress, Ella stirred in her arms, the pacifier popping out of her mouth just as a loud wail escaped. Anna smiled, despite her current mood. It was time to be fed – one of the favorite parts of her day.
After stirring up the formula and making sure it was the appropriate temperature, Anna sat down with Ella in her arms. She raised the plastic bottle to her baby's mouth, rubbing soothing circles over Ella's belly as her daughter suckled out the formula.
Ella started burping a few minutes later, and Anna raised her up to burp her; but just as she lifted her hand to tap on the baby's back, the formula bottle fell. She didn't understand how it happened. One second it was in her hands with the cap on tight, and the next, it was on the ground, the teat completely off as milky formula spread on the floorboards.
In the next instant, Sam's arms were around her. She murmured soothing words and rubbed her back, just as Anna had been about to do only moments ago. Something wet and salty seeped into her mouth, and it was in that moment that Anna realized she was crying – if crying could be considered this hideous cacophony of sobs, hiccups, and sniffles.
“It's okay, honey. It's okay.”
Anna didn't believe the words. It wasn't okay. It wasn't okay for Titus to straight out lie to her face, but then again, it also wasn't right for her to be this distraught about something as menial as Titus not calling her back. But most of all, it most certainly wasn't okay for her to cry over spilled milk.
“I hate this s-suh-so mu-much,” she cried. “H-he's luh-lying to–”
“Shh, sweetie. Just let it out. Just let it all out, okay? I'm here.”
For the next few minutes, she did. She clutched onto Sam's shoulder as if it were a lifeline, holding onto her bundle of joy within the crook of her elbow. It shouldn't be like this. This awful ripping of something deep inside her shouldn't be happening, but it was, and Anna didn't know what to do. For all she could do now was just hold onto her friend and daughter as she let the turmoil take her.
“I'm sorry,” she said once the waterworks had ceased.
“Don't apologize.”
“Okay.”
Sam crouched down right in front of her, eyes narrowed. “Anna Rose, you know I love ya, right?”
“Y-yeah.”
“See, here's the thing about spending time with people ya love: You stop lying to them and tell them what's wrong so that they can help!” The last words were more of an angry shout than anything else, and Anna could only cringe back in her chair.
“You want me to tuh-tell you what's wr-wrong?”
Sam nodded, waiting. Taking in a deep, snotty breath that had her coughing again, Anna let it all out. She slapped a hand over Sam's face whenever her friend tried to interrupt to ask a question, the words just tumbling out at this point. She told Sam about Hunter, about how Ella was his and not Titus's. She cried as she told her friend about the fake marriage, how it had been Titus's plan, how she'd agreed, and how she had eventually fall for him, after he'd been in love with her for ten years.
Sam sat back on the floor when it was all done, running a hand through her long, blonde tresses. “Is that what you're so upset about?”
Anna could only nod, so breathless after everything she had just said. She was still lying to her friend, she knew, but it felt surreal. It felt as if she did voice her real worry – that Titus was cheating on her with somebody else – it would become all the more real. Maybe, if she kept it inside, it would stay inside, disappearing as soon as Titus came back. Or at least, she hoped it would.
“Are you mad?” she asked a few moments later.
“No,” Sam answered, eyes wide, as if she couldn't believe it. “I'm still trying to process everything.”
“I'm sorry.”
Once again, her friend said, “Don't apologize.”
Anna didn't know how long they sat there after that. She just stayed in her chair with a quiet Ella in her arms as Sam mumbled things to herself, finally getting up from the floor with gentle movements, careful not to bump her pregnant belly.
“It wasn't right of us...wasn't right of me to lie. I should've told ya, Sam, and I'm sorry.”
“Anna.” Sam soothed Anna's tense back. “I don't care that you lied. It was for a good reason.”
She nodded her head, knowing that her and Titus getting married and was one of those situations in which lying had been alright. Nobody had gotten hurt. In fact, they'd both been repaired in a weird sort of way. Except now, Anna hurt. She hurt more than she ever had in her entire life, and it was all because she didn't know of which nature Titus's lies were.
“When will he be back, anyway?” Sam asked
Anna slouched back in her chair, closing her eyes as she stroked the smoothness of Ella's bare skin. “I don't know. He said he might not be back 'til Sunday.”
“That long for a cattle auction? It's not even winter yet!”
She'd voiced the same question to herself many times, and now it seemed as if Sam was her voicebox. “Yeah. I guess so.”
Soon after, their conversation ended. It took her all of a few minutes to clean up the milk, make another batch, and feed the formula to her quiet baby. She changed Ella's diaper about an hour later, and Sam helped, asking her questions that Anna knew were just a way to distract her.
However, she found herself pushing back in the desperate emotions as she answered each and every question. Sam asked her about what she thought about the Obama, what her opinions were on the gas prices, and which books she should recommend to her friend. With every word that she spoke, a calm filled her, leaving her with an imaginary box inside her body that repressed every negative feeling.
“Ya know what'd be fun?” Sam asked as the last of the sunset's rays disappeared below the horizon.
Anna shook her head. “What?”
“We could make dinner. A nice, big, fancy dinner that'll definitely get ya laid.”
Even though “getting laid” wasn't her problem, she still followed Sam into the kitchen, searching the cupboards with her to find something suitable for whenever Titus decided to come back. What they came up with was pitiful. A few hot dogs, plain condiments, whole wheat bread, and cans of all different types of vegetables. The only upside was that the scavenger hunt did a fine job of distracting her.
“Talk about fancy,” she muttered.
“Tell ya what, I'll go get some groceries, and then we can start. That sound alright?”
“What are we even gonna make, anyway?”
“Some tenderloin and oh,” – Sam's eyes lit up – “how about some of them cheesy potatoes? Ya know, the ones with the sour cream and seasonings sprinkled on top?”
She nodded and gave Sam a hopefully believable smile, discussing the fanciful dinner plans as they walked to the door. As her friend left, the door closed. It sounded just like it had yesterday, right after Titus had left, the lies having been on his lips.
Looking at the door flooded back the events of yesterday right into her mind, and Anna couldn't help but cringe as she remembered everything. She remembered the way Titus's eyes lit up whenever he was with her or Ella. She remembered how this whole thing had gotten started, the months of marriage it had taken for her to fall for him.
But what stuck in her mind the most was Titus as he had proved to her that he was someone who would never purposely hurt her. He was the one person whom she should never have to doubt. Inside, her entire body felt as if it was ripping apart, the guilt she felt and the anxiety at not knowing what the lies were about making her sick.
She sat down on the couch with a choked gasp, her body feeling limp yet hurting at the same time. From beside her, in the swing, Ella slept peacefully, the sight making Anna cry even harder than she had before. After all this – the shammed wedding, the months of carrying around Hunter's baby, and the time it had taken for her to finally fall in love with her best friend – she was still paranoid.
She felt as if her marriage were about to fall apart, as if Titus were just about to leave her for some rich, gorgeous woman. Behind closed eyelids, she saw him in between some naked woman's legs, grunting and laughing at the same time, the sweet nothings floating through the air.
The conjured image wouldn't go away, its film becoming only a little more blurry as the tears streaked down her face and neck. Curling in on herself, Anna shook with an inner cold that refused to go away. All the strength sapped out of her body with every heaving breath she took, until after what felt like hours later, she closed her eyes.
Sleep evaded her, but Anna didn't mind. As long as she kept her eyes closed as tightly as she could, she didn't have to see. As long as she stayed in this protective ball, she didn't have to feel. Be it from the pain that awaited her or the smooth texture of the couch, she didn't feel it. Limbo, was what people called it, and Anna had never felt so calm.
An eternity later, the front door opened, closing again within the span of a second. She heard the rustling of plastic bags but didn't open her eyes. Limbo still held her. It promised of this numbness that didn't hurt her, and she wanted to stay in it for as long as she could.
Listening closely, Anna heard as Sam's light footsteps tread into the kitchen, the sound of groceries being placed on top of the counter coming soon after. The clacking of pots and pans came next, followed by the stove and the scent of seasoned meat as the kitchen fan was turned on.
Ella began fussing in her swing then, and Anna was just about to stop feigning sleep when Sam's soft coos echoed in the living room. Her arms ached to hold her baby in them, but as the harmony of her friend's voice filled the quiet house, she knew that this would be better for Ella.
“Yes, lil' baby, Daddy'll be home, and then him and Mommy will make you more brothers and sisters, and...”
Anna tuned the noises after that, preferring this quiet solitude. She didn't know long she lied there. Her body began to ache at having to stay in one position, but she ignored it, her mental state telling it to just stay there. It was the only way in which she could stop the hurt.
That was when the front door opened yet again. This time, it let in a cool breeze right before it was quietly shut. Once more, Anna heard another person come into the house; except, there was something different this time. Instead of going into the kitchen, the footsteps came closer her way, much heavier than what Sam's had been.
Through closed eyes, she could still see as a large figure hovered over her, the light from the TV being blocked by whoever was crouched right in front of her. She could feel his breath on her face, his scent, as it wrapped itself around her. So familiar.
“Anna?” the gravelly voice that could only belong to Titus said.
She remained motionless, not wanting to look into the eyes of the man she'd given everything to. It would hurt too much. She didn't want to feel any of the pain that lied just underneath the skin; but she realized, as a warm, calloused hand stroked the side of her cheek, Titus already knew she was awake. He had always been able to see through her lies, just as she could with him.
Slowly, Anna let one eye crack open, and then the other. She backed up into the couch as the face of her husband came into view. Tanned as always, tired, with what she knew was concern on his face, Titus was crouched right in front of her. A smile stained his face as she sat up. It disappeared as soon as she pressed back into the couch, far enough away that his hand had nothing to touch.
“Hey,” he said, leaning forward to plant a kiss on her lips.
Feeling him on the verge that meant he wanted to deepen it, she pulled back, staring at him. Physically, he was the same, Anna knew as she scanned his face, fearing the worst. She saw it in his eyes first – the guilt that meant he had done something. Then, looking down at he mouth that had just kissed her, she didn't see it, but felt it. The little scar was still right above the upper corner, and they were still soft and supple, but it didn't matter, for lies came from those lips.
Putting a hand over her own pair, she found herself lost for words. Instead, Anna got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen where Sam looked up at her with a bright smile. Her friend obviously hadn't heard Titus come in; otherwise, she would have been all over the man, interrogating while most likely congratulating the man.
“I got the steaks in,” Sam said, bending over Ella's high chair to play with the girl's wisps of hair.
“Great.” Anna sat down next to her baby.
Titus was right on her heels, nodding to Sam, his jaw locked tight. “Sam.”
“Hey! We weren't expecting you until tomorrow.”
“Yeah.” His eyes went from Sam to her own in the next instant. “I hope everything went okay.”
Anna looked away, listening as Sam asked him all sorts of questions, every once in awhile glancing her way and then back. The atmosphere of the room soon went down to uncomfortable and then just plain tense as Titus replied with one worded answers that were more of grunts than actual words.
“Did something happen?” Titus asked as Sam turned her attention back to the mashed potatoes.
“No,” Sam answered. “Why? Somethin' wrong?”
“Nope,” he said, looking back at her and then to Ella who hadn't woken.
Feeling that imaginary box inside her begin to open up again, Anna busied herself with picking at the pieces of lint on the pajama shorts that she'd worn since last night. The picking didn't make anything better, but only worse.
The kitchen was now so tense that she felt choked by it. Strangled, even, as Sam excused herself from the kitchen to go and use the bathroom. Keeping her head down, she let Sam go, silently pleading with her friend to stay with her. That way, she didn't have to face whatever was about to come next.
Picking at another piece of lint that was more a part of her shorts than anything, Anna almost jumped as a large hand landed on top of hers. It was connected to a muscled forearm that shook with something that she did not want to identify.
“Anna.”
“What?” she whispered, focusing her gaze on the contrast of his tanned skin against her pale tone.
“Tell me the truth. Did something happen? Did-”
“The truth?” She all but scoffed at the words as they passed through his hypocritical lips.
“Yes.” He crouched down right in front of her so that she could see into those blue eyes. “What's so wrong with that?”
“Nothing.”
He frowned. “What?”
“You heard me,” she couldn't help but snap, “nothing is wrong.”
“Bullshit.”
Sam had said the exact same thing, only Titus wasn't Sam. Her friend wasn't this close to breaking her heart. Sam hadn't been the one to lie straight to her face. Sam wasn't the one currently demanding her to tell the truth.
“You're right,” she said. “I am lying. But at least I've got the guts to tell my spouse when I am and when I'm not. At least I'm not trying to cover it up with bullshit excuses of cattle sales.”
The hand on hers tightened almost painfully, and she looked up just in time to see his eyes widen with disbelief and anger. Like she'd seen so many times before, his nostrils flared out with every heavy breath he took, the mouth right underneath frowning.
“Anna, I was-”
“And I don't know about you, but I would never go behind my spouse's back. I would never even think about having an affair with some other-”
“You think I cheated on you?” His voice was hoarse and laced with absolute rage. “You think, after ten God damn years, I'd throw it all away for the first pretty smile thrown my way?”
“It's happened before.” The words escaped her mouth before she could stop them.
“I am nothing like that son of a bitch!” Titus spat, the loud noise waking Ella up and making her baby cry. He stood straight up then, scowling down at her. “How can you even think that I'd-”
“Uhm...guys?” Sam's quiet voice squeaked from the hallway. “I think the steaks are about to burn. It's starting to-”
“Sam,” Titus said quietly, his eyes never straying from hers, “I think it'd be best if you went on home now.”
She watched, feeling sick to her stomach, as Sam sent Titus a nervous look before slipping out the front door. She and Titus were all alone now, Ella wailing beside them as they both just looked at each other. Anna didn't know what to say next, and by the way the veins stood out on Titus's forehead and neck, it didn't seem as if he could do something as civil as talk, either.