He sits across from me, his massive hands overbearing my small sweaty hands. I've spent the entire car ride here wondering how I'm going to break up with him when that's the last thing I ever want to do. I thought if I don't sit and just say it then walk away the band-aid will be ripped off and I won't have to deal with the scar left behind. I also thought that had to be one of the worst things I could ever do to someone I love.
Then I thought I'd ease him into it and just tell him I don't think we can continue to make us work. I've been feeling overwhelmed with everything that's happened and I need a break from us. I need a fresh start in a whole new city. Then I realized that excuse would never work for moving away from Seattle.
And then I remembered the book. And I remembered Lina saying Hayden slept with her before he was arrested. If that's true he lied to my face and that would make it a lot easier to do all of this.
"Hey, baby, what's wrong?" His voice is soft, his thumb brushing against my cheek. My eyes close reveling in his touch for what could be the last time. Mr. Hot-and-Cold is being his sweetest right now, and that makes me wonder how Lina ever convinced me to go through with this plan. "You're in your head and judging by your eyes, I can tell it isn't good."
"Lina came to the apartment last night." His previous thumb stoking has stopped at the mention of Lina's name.
"Are you okay? Did she harm you?"
"No, Hayden, I'm fine." I sigh, opening my eyes to finally meet his worried eyes. He's searching my face for any answer as to what I'm feeling right now. But he won't find one, my feelings are all fucked up.
"Then what happened, what did she say to you?"
"Did you fuck her Hayden? Before you were arrested?"
His hand drops from my face the same time he hangs his head low. And there's my answer. For some reason his lack of answering hurts more than if he were to say the words.
"I swear to you Alice I didn't do it for my own pleasure. I don't want to hurt you."
"Hayden. Why would you do this? As payback?" I suck in a sharp breath, my tears brimming my waterlines threatening to drop at any given moment. Knowing that Lina told me the truth and Hayden didn't is a large, painful pill to swallow.
"What?" He's appalled by my accusation. "Never baby, I did it for us."
"For us?" My brows furrow in confusion, a single tears escaping from the duct of my eye falling onto his hand. My chin trembles as I try to force my tears back. This is how hard it must have been when the shoe was on the other foot. A while ago it was me in that situation, except the circumstances were different. How much of a hypocrite would I be if I walked away for something I once did to him?
"She told me if I had sex with her one last time she would drop all of the charges and so I did it. I did it so that I could come home to you Alice. I did it and from that moment I've been living with regret wishing I hadn't. I felt that I belonged in here because I did that to you. I'm sorry baby, you have to believe me."
"Why didn't you just tell me Hayden?" I place my hands over my face to hide my tears from him and the other people in the room watching us.
"Because I love you and I didn't want to see you like this. It pains me to see you cry Alice." His hands are on either side of my head in my hair, if he had it his way his lips would be on mine or somewhere on my face attempting to make me feel better. He knows his lips can heal anything for me.
"I just want you to be honest with me Hayden, that's all I ask." I mask my hurt for a moment while we're in public. I know what he did with Lina was wrong but like I said the circumstances were much different. I fucked Jake to spite Hayden, I used Jake because of his feelings for me and Hayden's jealousy towards him. Hayden fucked Lina to get out of this trouble that he's in, not to hurt me the way I did him.
"From here on out baby, no more secrets." He kisses my head as it is the closest thing to him from across the table. Because of our situation, it's what I have to settle for.
"I was supposed to break up with you today." He and I both made a deal with the devil. Thankfully Hayden exposed his deal so now I know better than to follow through with mine. She will not keep her end of the deal so why should I?
"You were leaving me?" I can hear the pain in his voice as he takes in my words. I just uttered his ultimate fear aloud.
"Lina said that if I broke up with you and left Seattle she would let you go free of all charges. I wanted you to be free and happy so I told her I'd do it."
"You make me happy." A small smile plays on my face and it's false enough for him to notice. "Do you hate me for what I did?"
"I could never hate you Hayden. I guess I'm just disappointed that you lied to me and you fucked her and you didn't tell me about this book that she stole from you." Now seemed like the right time to bring it up. "I only ever ask for you to be honest with me, if I ask you something be honest and if something happens tell me so we can work through it."
"Did she give you the book?" He sounds almost anxious or petrified as he speaks. What is so important about the book that would cause his eyes to widen at the mention of it?
"Yes, it's in the bedroom. She told me to read it because she knows you will never tell me what's inside of it."
"Did you?"
"I was so tempted to Hayden. Your written secrets from when you were fifteen years old happens to be one of the things I wish to learn and I had that in my hands last night."
"But you didn't look at it?"
"No, I didn't, because I wanted you to tell me."
He sighs, "I would rather you have read it on your own."
"Why, what's in it?"
"It's a sex book."
"A sex book? Like different positions, how to achieve the best orgasm, or something?"
He fights back a laugh as a smile appears on his face, "Are you laughing at me?" I ask him.
"I would never." He feigns hurt. "It's a book of all the women I've fucked—names, physical descriptions, dates, times."
My eyes widened and my lips part slightly as I try to find words to reply but nothing comes out. He watches me in silence as my mouth opens and closes then opens again until I finally find words, "I'm sorry, come again?"
"I'm not going to repeat it."
"You keep track of every single person you have ever had sex with from when you were fifteen years old? Do you know how insane that is?"
"It isn't, there's a completely logical reason behind it." He defends.
"For what, in case a woman says she's pregnant with your child or you get an STD?"
"Sure, that too. Knowledge is power my love."
"Okay, so, what number am I?"
"What?" He's thrown off by my question but I know he knows the answer. He's known the answer way before I ever learned of his addiction.
"Where am I on the list?"
"You're on it twice." He answers vaguely.
"Twice?"
"The first time in Vegas and then after Vegas."
"Okay, so what are they?"
"Why do you want to know this? It will not benefit you. The truth is overwhelming."
"Either you say it or I'll look through the book." I threaten an empty threat, but he will never know if I follow through with it or not.
If I'm being honest, finding out what number I am isn't as important to me as Hayden being honest with me. I think of this as a test. I don't care to know where I stand between the thousands of other women on his list. I just, for once, would love for Hayden to be open, upfront, and honest.
He swears lowly as he sighs, "Your first number is two thousand nine hundred and fifty-four and your second number is two thousand nine hundred and sixty-two."
I would have wondered if I were the last number, but now I know that I'm not. As of now, Lina is the first person on his list and the last person on his list. "Thank you for telling me."
"You're okay?"
"I will be."
"I love you Alice, you are the only one. There is no one I have loved before you and no one I will love after you." His words are reassuring at the moment after he confirmed he slept with Lina. As much as it hurts knowing it, he was desperate and she gave him something he thought was an easy out. If he knew she was going to betray him, I know he wouldn't have done it.
"I miss you." My hand reaches out to his face, my fingers running through his scruffy beard. Our time is almost up now but I don't want to leave him. "What do we do now?"
"We wait." He answers with a shrug of his broad shoulders.
"I don't like waiting, I want you home."
A male officers voice speaks before Hayden gets to say anything in response, "Visiting hours are over. Say your goodbyes and sign out."
Hayden and I consecutively stand from the chairs, his large hand grabs ahold of my face bringing my mouth in close proximity to his, he lowers his own head and presses his lips to mine. His mouth moves fervently against my lips, his need for me shown through his passionate kiss. I need him too.
I kiss him back with equal avidity, my hands moving into his growing hair. I missed his lips on me, his hands on me, his body being pressed against me. I miss him. I just wish all of this were over already.
He tugs at my lower lip as he pulls away from me, "I have to go now baby, I will see you soon."
I can feel myself beginning to cry again as he walks back to the guards along with the other men in here. I don't know how long he and I can keep this up. This has been one of the best and hurtful visits we've had to date. He was his sweetest today but I learned something unsettling—his book and the truth of what happened with Lina.
Is it bad that I'm not as angry with him as I should have been? Hearing that your partner slept with someone else is hurtful but I'm not angry with him. I understand why he did it. And it only makes me angry with myself for what I did to Hayden, those feelings and actions I tried to lock away have come back after finding this out. I am going through those feelings that I put him through when I was the one who slept with someone else and left him for that entire treacherous week.
Thinking back to that time, Reign was the one that was there for me—as she has always been. I feel like I'm the worst best friend. She's always there for me when I need her, but I don't think I'm as included in her life as she is in mine. We used to do everything together, and unwillingly, I was her partner-in-crime. I should call her and for once not talk about myself or my problems.
If I told her Hayden slept with Lina, she would never understand why I'm staying. She doesn't know Hayden's secrets and I will never reveal any that doesn't have to do with me. Reign still doesn't know of Hayden's addiction, or his countless rendezvous, or of his nightmares, or his history with Lina and Paige and Heather and Olivia. She doesn't know Hayden the way I know him, she would never understand.
I was sat in my car not wanting to go back home to be alone, but also unsure of where else to go when I called Reign's cellphone. "Hello?" I faintly hear her sniffle away from the phone like she didn't want me to hear it.
"Hi, it's me, Alice."
"Alice, now isn't a good time." Her voice breaks mid sentence and I know she's been crying.
"What's wrong Reign?"
"I made a mistake and I don't know if I can take it back or how to fix it." She cries through the phone. I wish she still lived close so I could drive over to her house to see her right now.
"What Reign? You're frightening me."
"It's Channing, I broke it off."
"Why on earth would you do that?"
"He was taking things too far for me and I got scared. He wanted me to move in with him and he kept talking about a having children and marriage. I'm only twenty-four Alice, I don't want any of that right now. I want to live my life."
"You don't want to commit to him?"
"I love him Alice, I swear I do, but I have never had a real boyfriend ever and I just feel so trapped and suffocated. I felt like I had to go while I could."
"If that's how you feel why are you crying about it?" My tone is coming off harsher than I intended. I am genuinely curious though.
She lets out a wail through the line, "I miss him so much. It's been four days since I left him and I can't stop thinking about him. I see him everywhere and I'm reminded of him at all times. I miss him."
I take a moment to let her cry some more before I decide to speak again, "What are you afraid of Reign? You love him, he makes you happy, he supports you, he takes care of you, he desires to build a future with you. All of those things sound glorious to me, why does that scare you?"
"I don't know what it means to love someone, besides my parents you are the only person I have loved but you're like a sister to me so that doesn't necessarily count. I don't think I am a good enough girlfriend let alone a wife or a mother."
"You are good enough, that's why he wants these things with you. You have exactly what I want, someone that's committed to you wholeheartedly. That's a jewel, so rare to come by these days, you have to hold onto that as if your life depended on it. He hasn't necessarily asked you to marry him Reign, he's older and I don't think he's still looking for a fuck buddy anymore. He found everything he has ever wanted in you, you just need to let go of your fears and open up to him."
"It's so easy for me to get naked for him one way but not naked with feelings. He tries all the time to get me to express myself but I can't, it's so hard for me."
"You're afraid that once you give him all of you, once you allow yourself to commit to only him, it won't work. Once he sees the authentic, raw, unfiltered you he won't love you anymore and that will break your precious cold heart."
I know about that all too well. Hayden is exactly the same, cold heart included.
"It will." She chuckles lightly.
"I know babe. Tell him your fears, it will only bring you closer together, trust me." I tell her speaking from experience. Anytime Hayden was honest and open with me, I felt connected to him on an entire different level. "He's only asking you to move in with him, and that could be the best thing ever for your relationship. You will get to learn about one another on a new level, countless sex whenever either of you want, waking up to someone you love ever morning. It's nothing to be afraid of Reign. It could be a beautiful thing."
"I don't know, was it like that for you and Hayden?"
"Hayden and I have an entirely different and difficult relationship." I wish it were like that. I decided not to add that part.
"What was it like for you?"
"Reign—" I don't want to tell her. Like I said before if I tell her one part, I will have to go into a much bigger story, and I don't want to expose Hayden to anyone that isn't myself or Dr. James.
"Alice please." She begs and I can feel myself beginning to give in.
"It had it's moments of being beautiful, many many moments. It took me telling him what I wanted for him to finally be there when I had woken up in the morning. But, the sex morning and night, the night conversations, breakfast and dinner together, waking up to his face, wanting to come home just to see him or waiting for him to come home from work, all of that babe, is so worth it. You just have to be honest with him."
"Okay and if I do? Then what? What if he doesn't take me back?"
"Why wouldn't he take you back?"
"I was so mean to him when I broke it off. I was vile and upset, I was throwing low blow after low blow. In the moment I wanted him to hate me so he would want nothing else to do with me, but I regret it so much. I miss him and everything that we had."
"Why is it that we always want what he had after we've already lost it?"
It was a rhetorical question but she answered anyways, "I don't know, maybe we realize nothing else compares."
"Whenever you decide to speak with him again, you need to be as raw and honest as possible. Tell him your fears, your worries, your goals, your secrets. Give him all of you and I promise you will find solace in him and he will love you even more." It's worked for me and Hayden—whenever he is honest with me. "How did you feel when you told him about your old boss?"
"I felt free, like a heavy weight had been lifted off of my shoulders."
"He loves you Reign and I know you feel the same way about him. Don't let him go, find him and make it right. He's going to take you back, I know he will. And don't get frightened when I say this but when the time comes, you will be a beautiful wife and a wonderful mother. Even though I know you despise kids, when it's actually yours the feelings will be different." I add before she gets to comment on her distaste for children.
"Thank you Alice, for calling, for listening."
"I'm always here for you Reign. I can't believe you didn't tell me sooner."
"You were going through so much and I didn't want to burden you with my small drama compared to yours."
"Hey," My tone is scolding. "There's no comparing. I will be here for you through the big and small problems, the same way you are with me. That's what best friends are for isn't it."
"You're right I'm sorry, I should have told you." She apologizes. "I should go now, I love you."
"You, too. Call him please."
"I will, I promise, bye babe. Tell Hayden I send my love."
We exchange greetings again before I end the call and drive to the house Hayden is having built. I haven't come back here since Hayden first brought me here on my birthday. It's a construction site now, with dirt and trucks everywhere. Standing here I can remember how happy he and I were that morning, how happy he made me.
We were only back to that place during the London visit and after that until he was arrested again. I wish we were back at that place, without the extra baggage and drama. We were supposed to start fresh, just the two of us, but I don't see that happening for us anytime soon.