Six in the morning was the most peaceful time in the day for Nellie. She sat perched on the porch swing, sipping her coffee and savoring the taste of it, warming her body while the mug thawed her hands. Her mind raced about, considering sale horses, pregnant mares, and upset clients.
Groaning when she realized her mind wasn't blank, she went back to her meditation in an attempt to slow her anxious thoughts, the sun slowly rising and mist dissolving in the glow. The horses had been fed and were content to stay deep within their hay, no thought towards the coming day other than what they had in front of their soft mouths.
Nell took in one, deep breath, and then let it out slowly. The air she released was bright, milky in the coldness of the early day. Her venture into meditation was not a typical part of her routine.
In fact, she'd rather be starting her day in the barn moving horses into their daytime paddocks or getting the youngest out for patience training, anything but sitting on the front porch and breathing or clearing her mind. However, she knew that if she didn't at least try, her best friend and co-trainer would know and then proceed to kick her ass.
So, she breathed deep and loudly, tried to keep her mind blank, and drank her coffee.
The screen door suddenly flew open, the crack and slam following broke Nell out of a brief moment of actual concentration. Her younger sister, Adrienne, ran out the door, Nell spooked and dropped her mug, and their mother screamed in anger. It sounded closer to a mountain lion screaming than a mother who was venting her frustration. Nell closed her eyes and ground her teeth to the shrillness of it.
"I'm fucking late!" Adrienne hollered as she ripped open passenger door to her truck.
Nellie threw her hands up in disgust, carefully standing around the mess of coffee on the wooden floor. She reached down and snatched the metal mug as her mother crashed onto the porch, so angry she made a strangling motion at the younger Riley girl.
"Watch your language! And don't blame me for you being late! You hit snooze at least eight times!" Anne, their mother, yelled back.
"All you need to do is load the horses, Addy!" Nell yelled into the commotion. She'd done the sisterly thing (after her mom had asked her) and fed Adrienne's appendix quarter horse their grain and supplements.
"You fed Mikey?" She cried, "Oh my gosh, Nellie, I love you!"
Mama scoffed, slamming the screen door closed behind her. Nell considered the abuse the door had gone through after years of teenage and now not-so-adult-acting women as she opened it again to head inside. As soon as the door was cracked, three mongrel dogs squeezed through it, zooming around the property while hazing the youngest with growling and mock biting.
Shelby, Nellie's cousin, also pushed passed her carrying two large duffel bags. Nellie watched with a quirked eyebrow as she grunted under the weight, packing them down the few steps.
"Sierra is going to kill me," She heard Adrienne say to Shelby as she was finally able to walk through the door and head to the kitchen.
"I can't believe she's leaving so soon. The next race isn't for another two weeks!" Mama said when Nellie walked towards the full coffee pot.
"I'm not surprised. She's been home for three months. Time is money." Nellie said while her mother pushed papers around on the dinner table. Nellie turned to look at her mother with the full mug, watching as she tapped the end of the pen on the glass, cheeks red and hair disheveled.
"I know." Anne said, eyes staring off into the distance, pen still tapping on the table.
By the time Nell reached her sister's trailer, Shelby was clamping the doors closed behind Mikey.
The big reg gelding was tucked in with the back window open. Someone had pulled his blankets, because the thin skinned half-thoroughbred had his hair puffed and was shivering, but he was quiet in the trailer eating hay. Stepping onto the side-rail and reaching in, she gave the red horse a stout pat on his rump. Dust floated into the air from the motion, settling back down onto his otherwise clean hide.
She whispered, "Take care of her." The horse didn't respond, so she stepped off.
Nellie looked over as Addy turned the corner of the rumbling truck. They stood and watched each other for a moment, Adrienne with tears tumbling down her cheeks already. They took three steps forward and hugged hard.
"I'm glad you were able to stay so long." Nellie said after releasing her sister.
"I'll be back soon. I was only supposed to stay for the funeral, but I wish I could stay longer," Addy muttered.
Their mom called out for Lip, Addy's mini-Aussie to follow, and they turned to see Shelby and their mother walking over. Anne was clutching something to her chest, her arm around Shelby's shoulder.
"I want you to take Grandma's necklace. It gave me a lot of luck when I was your age."She said as she stepped up to her youngest daughter.
Addrienne's eyes teared up as she turned so Mama could clasp it around her neck. She was sobbing by the time it was finished, turning to embrace everyone again.
"I should stay," She cried.
"No. Go. Drive safe." Nellie said, shoving her sister back towards the truck. Nell shook her head when Addy sniffled, almost pleading to stay.
"We've got this." Shelby said. Nellie hooked her arm through her sisters and led her to the truck while their mother and Shelby made last checks on the goose-neck before they left.
"Kick ass and win big." Nell said when Addy finally got into the driver's seat, the diesel engine purring. Lip jumped in after her and settled onto the passenger seat with his tongue lolling. It would be very quiet in the house without the exuberant barrel racer and her year old dog. The ranch dogs Red and Pip would surely miss the baby, too.
Addy nodded and Nell shut the door, moving away to stand with her mother and cousin. Before the truck even moved, Mama sobbed once before turning and heading back to the house. Nell only watched her for a moment before turning back to the leaving rig. Nell wished Addy could have stayed a little longer, too.
"I should go close the gate, but," Shelby said awkwardly, "Do you think things will go back to the way they used to? Before Uncle John died?" She was only fourteen with three dead parents. What a life this kid has lived, Nellie thought as she folder her cousin into her arms.
"I don't know, but we'll do the best we can." Nell whispered. She held Shelby for a long time, before pulling her to the shed to grab the manure rakes get to work. With 25 horses on the property, barn chores really can't wait for very long.
"Was Gobie picked up last night?" Mama asked Nell when she as she walked into the kitchen in the later afternoon after feeding. Her eyes were still puffy and her cheeks were ruddy, but she was no longer crying and seemed to pull herself back together after Addrienne had left for Texas.
Nell looked up, raising her eyebrow as she dumped the remainder of her morning coffee into the kitchen sink, "Yeah."
"Too bad," Anne replied, the pen tapping starting up again. She was sitting at the kitchen table with her back turned towards Nellie. She stared at her sunken shoulder blades, noting a weight loss she hadn't seen before. Anne Riley was always athletic, the runner of the family, now feeble in comparison to Nell's memories of her before her father's death.
"I was sorry to see him go. Nice horse." Nell said. She turned to open the fridge, rifling through the contents. Nobody had the heart to cook, so mostly they ate out or nothing at all.
"One more client we have to replace, too." She mumbled. Nell turned to look at her, leaning on the counter and crossing her arms.
"I know. It's harder now with Adrienne gone. What am I supposed to do though? I'm only one person, and both Faith and Shelby are at school most of the time and you won't go near them."
She said as she closed her eyes to the pressure building behind them. She didn't mean to accuse her mother of not helping. The more Mama stayed inside and worked on paperwork, the less
Nell had to stay inside and work on paperwork, and answer phone calls, texts, emails, and all the other things necessary to keep the ranch above water.
"We need to bring in another trainer."
"What kind of drama would that cause." Nell said, shaking her head.
"Hopefully not the money kind. We have empty stalls that aren't being filled." Nell opened her eyes at her mother's harsh tone, looking up at the accusing words.
Mama continued, standing to refill her coffee, "I spoke with Drew last night. He called to check in on us and said one of his assistant trainers wants to move on and they have their eye on California. We've got 10 empty stalls and two pasture spaces. He can fill 8 of them with client horses alone."
Nell stayed quiet, having to think for a moment. Drew was a long time family friend, a reining trainer based in Arizona. It would be a better situation if the trainer was recommended by him than just any old Southern California horse trainer looking for stalls. There was already so much gossip and backstabbing that Nell had decided a while back that she wasn't willing to just put ads out and see what came up.
"I'd rather bring in boarders." She finally said.
Mama watched Nell for a moment, reaching up to rub her neck, "Boarders don't want to pay what we charge for stalls, and we can't afford to charge cheaper because of the care we provide. You know this."
Nell shook her head and pushed off the counter, heading out of the kitchen. She didn't want to think about it. The whole reason they were losing clients was because her dad had died four months before, and now that he was gone they all wanted to get into showing. Specifically, showing their Riley Performance bred paint horses.
"This isn't something we can take weeks to decide on Nell. I need an answer, and soon."
She kept quiet, heading down the hall to change out of her filthy jeans, considering the implications of a new trainer, wondering what the hell they were doing, and hoping they could make it through the next breeding season.
She was overwhelmed, and understood why Faith had threatened her with death if she didn't try meditation. Three year olds needed to be legged up before being offered for sale, the two-year-olds needed to be started, clients wanted more rigorous lessons and less trail rides, emails and calls to return, foal watch shifts to plan for the months ahead, and yet it didn't seem to be enough. Her and her mother were stretched so thin, a fragile line that if frayed any more would break.
As the red blinking numbers came into focus, she realized she'd been staring into space. Four in the afternoon, and pitch black outside. She considered heading downstairs again to eat something before going to bed, but the idea of a confrontation with her mother pushed her feet into the bathroom where she showered, before taking her sleeping medication and passing out under the cotton covers of her bed.