2016 left me in a horrible mood.
Last year was hard for me mentally and emotionally.
I started out the year fine, and happy and then towards October, I just started to feel depressed.
I didn't wanna wake up, I lost interest in my old hobbies, I felt lonelier and I was just all around a gigantic mess.
My family only knows very little of what's going on with me, I don't tell them about it because I'm afraid that my feeling won't be validated and they'll push it off like another one of my problems.
But I really can't hold it in anymore,
I wanted to start out 2017 happy and positive, but I've been the complete opposite and I hate myself for it.
Everyone's doing big and amazing things and they have so many close friends that they do things with, and all I do is stay at home and chat to my internet friends that don't even really wanna chat with me.
It's heartbreaking, and when you don't have anyone to talk to face to face that isn't a relative for four years, you get pretty lonely.
My life is so repetitive, there's never anything new and I've tried to get new things but my mom always seems to put me down or "forget" them.
For example, last year I was supposed to began getting acting classes and my mom was on board with it and it never happened and I don't think it will happen until I'm able to sign myself up for those kind of things and drive myself to wherever I need to go.
I just really need to be on my own because then I'll be able to do the things that I want without my family holding me down.
I want to be able to travel and do theatre and ACT, I've been trying to get into the business for years but my moms always like "okay just you hold on ill get you an acting coach and stuff" AND IT NEVER HAPPENS. I remind her, and it still doesn't happen.
And it's not going to happen until I can do it myself, because obviously I care more about accomplishing my goals more than she does, which is definitely upsetting but it's reality.
And something that really makes me feel so absolutely worthless is that, my little sister has all these hopes and dreams and my parents help her with them, and they help her succeed but my older sister and I get ignored completely. And I really don't wanna burst off at my parents because I love them so much but it's unfair and it rips my heart in half.
I just have to push through the next 4 years until I'm 18 (which isn't long at all) and I'll really be able to focus on what I want to do.
I'm planning to go to college or film school, but there's not really any film schools near me so I'd have to go far but that's fine because that's what I really want for myself.
I feel like my family doesn't believe in me at all, not a single bit. But I believe in myself and that's what really matters (so cheesy I know).
I really wanna do this for myself, but I kind of want to do it to say "hey look at me, remember you're loser of a daughter who you didn't believe in, well loOK AT HER NOW SHES DIRECTING FILMS AND DO SO MUCH MORE"
I'm just going to push myself the best that I can (:
Bye