Hello readers! Thanks for clicking on my story. I want to say sorry in advance for the grammar or spelling mistakes..don't hate me okay? Also this story does deal with some mental disorders, suicidal actions, self harm, and other sad things. If this will be a trigger of any sort please don't read it. You're all beautiful.
"Tyler please eat something." My mother pleaded as her eyes bore into the top of my head. I was staring down at the food on my plate and refused to talk. "Tyler you haven't said a word in over a week. It's getting old." My dad's gruff voice said.
Don't eat...You're fat. Fat. Fat. Fat.
I winced as the voice that wasn't my own spoke to me. I've had the voice since I can remember. It controls me.
You know what you fat pig? I think today is the day! Today is the day that you will kill yourself. I mean, nobody here cares for you. Freak. Your own sister stares at you as if you're a wounded puppy. Going to break at any minute.
I continued to push the mashed potatoes around on my plate as my mother huffed and sat back in her chair. My dad just looked from her to me before continuing to eat his food.
You need to prepare yourself for what's about to happen. Tonight is the night! Can you believe it! No more sadness, no more eating, no more me! All you have to do is succeed and I'll be gone! Simple as that.
I took a sharp breath in through my nose as I stood up from the table. "Tyler. Sit your butt down right now and have dinner with the rest of the family. Please." My mother pleaded as silent tears rolled down her cheeks. I shook my head quickly and didn't bother to push in my chair as I made a get away towards the comfort of my own room.
Now you can lose weight since you skipped dinner! Good job Tyler. I'm very proud. Now listen to me very closely. You are nothing. A nobody. Everyone hates you. You're not worthy to be loved. Ha HA HA! Even I hate you and I'm all just in your head.
After closing and locking the door to my bedroom, I sank down onto my bed.
NO what are you doing you lazy butt! Get up and get the razor. You know where to go from there.
My eyes were dry with the tears I would never shed. Today is the day! The day I get to finally be happy. The day the voice goes away. The day I no longer am controlled.
I stalked off to the bathroom as the voice inside was screaming at me.
You're stupid! Ha! I can't wait till this is all over. Nobody loves you.
I opened up the slide in mirrors above my sink and got my small, silver friend from its hiding place.
*trigger warning*
I smiled down towards it as if I'd know it for years. My friend. My release from pain. I rolled my sleeves up on my red sweater I was wearing. I held the razor between my thumb and pointer as I rubbed my scars with my middle finger.
Just more to add to your ugly arms
I ran the silver blade over my wrist and little beads of red appeared on my skin. I did it again. And again. 25. 50. 60. I lost count. My arm was bleeding everywhere and I couldn't tell where it was a cut or just running blood. I smiled.
Yes! This is it! Now I want you to get your antidepressants and get into the tub.
I listened. After putting my razor on the counter I striped out of my clothes until I was only in my boxer briefs. Blood was dripping on the floor and everywhere I touched left behind a crimson stain. I grabbed my pill bottle from behind the mirror and started the bath. As the water rose I continued to slice at my other arm. Both arms were now covered with blood and my vision was getting fuzzy from loss of blood.
It's not over yet! Get in the tub and take the pills.
I stepped into the warm bath and within seconds the water had turned a red color. I sank down, but left my arms out for the pills. I unscrewed the cap and looked down inside the bottle. All of the pills screaming at me. It was a full bottle. The water kept running as I put the first few pills in my mouth and drank from the faucet.
I was halfway done with the bottle when I started to feel something. My head was fuzzy and my limbs felt numb. My arms were still bleeding and the water was a deep red color.
Finish off the bottle! Come on you coward!
I popped back the remaining pills and turned off the water faucet. My body felt numb and I couldn't process what was going on in my mind. My vision was blurred, but not with tears. I felt myself drift in and out of reality as the pills and loss of blood took effect.
This is it! This is finally it! You'll never have to hear from me again! It was nice knowing you Tyler.
The last thing I heard was the voice whispering how it hated me and smiled. It was finally over. Goodbye cruel world.
---------------------------------------------------------------(This indicates a time skip)
Tyler wake up. Tyler. You failed you useless cow.
I could move my fingers and wiggle my toes. Am I dead?
Tyler. All you had to do was one job. And you failed. You're a failure.
My arms stung. My stomach was cramping. My head was pounding. My throat was dry and my eyes were shut.
"Tyler honey?" It was my moms voice. What is going on? I opened my eyes slowly, expecting to see some large golden gates to heaven or wherever you go when you die. I was in a white room. The ceiling was white, the ground was white, the curtains had been drawn closed. I looked to my right and saw a heart monitor with a slow and steady beat of my heart. Next to it was a bag with clear liquid in it. Sure enough I followed the tube and the needle was attached into the crease of my right arm. Both of my arms were wrapped in gauze and as I tried to reach my left hand to my right arm I doubled over from the pain in my stomach.
"Tyler!" My mothers panicked voice said. My eyes trailed over to the left of me and she was standing there and looking at me with her worried eyes. It was only my mom. I still didn't feel like talking.
Good! You don't deserve to talk. Never talk again. You're voice is annoying and sounds like a 12 year old going through puberty.
My mom reached out to grab my hand, but I pulled it out of her way. I don't want her touching me. I'm infected. I'm stupid. I'm alive. I watched as my mothers eyes filled with tears as she retracted her hand.
"Tyler please." her voice was barely a whisper "Tyler. They had to pump your stomach. You lost so much blood. Please talk to me." The last words were barely audible as tears started to fall from her eyes and wet her cheeks. I simply shook my head no and her body was racking with sobs.
Look at how pitiful. Not like she loved you in the first place.
The door creaked open and in walked a man that I had never seen before. He had soft brown eyes and black hair that was slicked down with gel. "Hello Tyler I am Dr. Frey. It's nice to meet you." He held out his hand for me to shake, but I didn't touch him. I hate physical touch.
Look at the pity in his eyes. Ha!
He pulled his arm back and sat on the chair that was once occupied by my mom. He picked up the legs and pulled the chair closer to my bed before he fully sat down. "Now from my understanding you tried to kill yourself. Would you like to explain to me why you did this?" He paused and looked into my eyes. I avoided his eye contact by looking at his nose.
"This is useless Dr. Frey. He hasn't talked in over a week." My mother said with an exasperated voice. Her hair was a mess and she had bags under her eyes. "Can you write?" Dr. Frey asked hopefully as he pulled out his pen and ripped off a piece of paper from his pad of paper. He handed it to me, but was sure that our hands were on the opposite ends of the paper to avoid skin to skin contact. He then handed me his clipboard as a hard surface to use as I wrote.
"Now Tyler. Let me explain what had happened. Your arms are severely cut up. Am I correct in assuming that you did this to yourself?" I nodded. "We have also noticed older scars. Am I also correct in assuming that you have self harmed in the past?" I nodded once more. I looked over at my mom and she still had tears swimming around in her creased eyes.
"Can you tell me why you did this to yourself?" Dr. Frey looked at me with his soft brown eyes.
Tell them about me..I dare you! They won't believe you.
I clicked the pen open and closed a few times before putting the tip to the paper.
He told me to (bold is what Tyler writes)
I showed my paper to Dr. Frey and his eyebrows creased as he read it. "Who told you this Tyler? People from school?" He pressed on. I shook my head.
The voice in my head.
"Dr. Frey" my mothers voice spoke up. "Is my son crazy?" My moms voice broke and she was full on crying now.
"Can I talk to you outside for a second Mrs. Wood?" My mother got up and followed Dr. Frey out of the room.
They're talking about you. About how much of a freak you are. He thinks you're crazy! CRAZY! This is all your fault. You stupid boy.
I started to doodle on the paper as I waited for the doctor and my mom to come back. I was never really good at drawing, but I wish I was.
The door creaked open and Dr. Frey walked in. Alone.
Where is my mom?
"I'm afraid that she left" Dr. Frey whispered.
She can't even stay for you! She's afraid of you because you're a freak!
Where did she go?
"Um.. She left because she didn't want to be here when I told you this news." Dr. Frey took a breath. "You're going to be transmitted to Youse Hospital. It's for other teenagers just like you." He tried adding in a smile as he said this, but I frowned.
You're sending me to a Psychiatric Ward?
Yeah, because you're mentally unstable you idiot.
The walls around me started to crumble. I panicked. A psych ward? Nobody wants to deal with me. Wait! What if I refuse? What if I demand to go home? My heart was racing with the beginnings of a panic attack and my hands were trembling as I wrote on the paper.
I refuse to go. I won't go. I'm perfectly fine! I choose to go home.
"This isn't up to you Tyler. You will be transferred in the morning, but its getting late... So you should probably get some sleep. Hey don't worry about it" he went to put his hand on my shoulder, but as soon as his hand got within an inch of my shoulder I flinched and scribbled on the paper.
Don't touch me. I don't like being touched.
Dr. Frey pulled his hand away and rested it on the handles next to my bed instead.
"Goodnight Tyler. If you need anything the nurses are on call so just press the red button if you need anything okay?"
I nodded and handed him his clipboard and pen back, but ripped the paper off before he could take that too.
You're mom left you. You're going to a mental ward! You're mentally insane! Hahahahah! Man sucks to be you. And just to think this whole think could have been avoided and I would be gone if you would have succeeded in killing yourself. Stupid faggot.
I closed my eyes and tried to find the sleep that I knew wouldn't come.
Tomorrow would be the day that I would be transferred.