Thane wondered if Snickers found him as heavy in the saddle as he felt. He'd had plenty of tough days in his twenty-four years, but he couldn't remember one that felt as bad as this. Nessa had kept her distance all day, from the moment she skipped breakfast to the way she'd put her earbuds in and ignored him while they saddled. But it wasn't the physical distance that hurt.
The ever widening emotional chasm between them is what tore him apart.
If he'd felt helpless before to fix Nessa's burdens, he didn't know how to define what he felt now. He had no idea what to say to make any of it better and decided it was best not to try. He'd screwed up. They all had. He deserved Nessa's anger. He just wished she'd express it, confront him, and be willing to work through it.
Instead she'd shut him out like the past two weeks didn't matter or even exist.
He had no idea what she was thinking and feared she would decide to leave. It didn't seem to matter to her that he knew her darkest secret and chose to love her anyway. The fact that he hid his knowledge of the abortion and subsequently shared it with someone else negated everything he'd tried to accomplish.
The situation appeared hopeless. The only thing that kept him going, that kept him from losing it, was the belief that it all still rested in God's hands.
Even now, he didn't doubt God had brought her here. Thane couldn't shake the feeling that he played an important role in her life and that the two of them were meant to find each other. He knew God could take this and salvage it. How, he had no idea. But he had to believe because the alternative was too difficult to think about.
He'd always heard that Satan fought you the hardest when you were about to defeat him. He certainly hoped that was true. He hoped this setback was just an attack because Nessa had been so close to surrendering. He wouldn't stop fighting just because the enemy decided to get in his face.
Nessa's soul still needed healing and that continued to be the most important thing, whether she ever trusted Thane again or not.
That's why, after he'd sat down with Reba and Bailey to rehash what happened the night before, they'd all agreed to go ahead with their ideas for the Pinterest board, playlist, and Bible verses. The only good thing to come from Nessa's distance was the time it allowed him to devise the list and research the verses.
He let his gaze settle on her now, watching as she led the group, conversing easily with the girl in the saddle beside her. Despite being mad at him, she wore the hat he'd bought for her Saturday night. Her black curls were tightly woven into a braid down her back. She looked completely at ease guiding his excursion, swaying in the saddle as if she'd grown up on Honey's back.
If no one knew what hung between them, they wouldn't suspect. She'd been cordial to him all day and the same friendly, easy going guide he'd come to know and expect. To an outsider, they probably appeared to be a well-oiled machine, two co-workers who'd been together so long they worked without thinking.
The reality of it almost made him smile.
Almost.
But the dull ache in his chest kept him from finding any of it the least bit amusing.
Oh, Lord, show me how to fix this. Don't let me ruin what you've tried so hard to build.
He remained a quiet presence at the back of the pack until they made it to the ranch. Bailey met them there as everyone dismounted, ready to talk with the group about their excursion and ask if they'd mind completing a follow up survey.
Thane and Nessa said their good byes, working to tie up the horses in the barns and work on unsaddling them all. She didn't reach for her phone and ear buds right away, so he took a chance at conversation.
"Thank you for doing the excursion today."
She hadn't gotten back to the ranch until almost ten last night. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep until he knew she was home safe. He'd waited in the living room until he heard the Jeep pull in and then escaped to his room, knowing she wouldn't want to interact with him.
She didn't look at him as she worked on the straps of a saddle. "You're welcome. But what did you expect? This is my job. Can't exactly play hooky when I'm living in the boss's house."
Her tone wasn't mean or snide, but he got the message. She wasn't doing this for him. She did it because it's what she'd been hired to do. Beyond that, because she was a good person and she knew they couldn't pull her father from the ranch to fill in for Bailey.
A sliver of fear shot through his heart, ice cold in its intensity. He hadn't made the leap before, but what if that's what she was waiting for? Maybe she'd decided to stay only long enough for Bailey to heal and then she'd be gone. Bailey's next appointment was this week. She could be gone in only a few days if they cleared him to ride.
The thought made him sick and he swallowed against the nausea. Nessa was his. She belonged here. In Colorado. On the ranch. With him. He didn't care if they'd only met two weeks ago. It had been two weeks side by side, working and laughing and forming a bond that he naively thought would last.
If she left, she'd take his heart with her.
He'd opened his mouth to say something, anything, to keep her talking but Bailey chose that moment to appear and interrupt.
"Hey guys, I hear it was a good ride. Our guests couldn't stop singing your praises."
Thane nodded in agreement, saying, "I'm glad they had a good time."
Nessa ignored his brother.
Bailey looked at Thane, raising his eyebrows, as lost and contrite as the rest of them. Thane shook his head, telling Bailey to leave it alone.
Bailey let out a resigned sigh, moving on. "I also wanted to let you know we heard from Bill. Kylie's got a nasty UTI but nothing abnormal or serious. They gave her some meds, say she should be feeling better in a couple of days."
"Thanks. I'm glad he's keeping us in the loop."
Silence filled the barn as Thane and Nessa continued to work, Bailey not knowing what else to say. The tension felt thick enough to be cut, but he didn't know how to change that.
"You want some help in here? I can call up for Rhett, have him come down too. Save you guys some time."
Nessa finally spoke, her tone even and businesslike. "That would be great. I'm expecting a call from my brother tonight and I don't want to miss it."
Thane had wondered if she'd tell Caleb what was going on. A bit of relief swept through him at the knowledge that she had. At least she was talking to someone.
Bailey turned to go, calling over his shoulder, "We'll be back in a few!"
The barn lapsed into silence again and by the time Bailey returned with Rhett, Nessa had moved down the line to the last horse, leaving the ones closest to Thane for his brother and nephew. If Bailey noticed the distance she'd put between herself and them, he didn't comment. He simply went to work, assisting and supervising his son.
Nessa took the time to walk the finished horses out to the pasture before asking, "Do I have permission to leave or is there something else you'd like me to do?"
Rhett paused to gape at Nessa, not understanding what had transpired, only knowing that she had changed. Thane couldn't ever remember her asking for permission to do anything, even when she was first learning the ropes. It hadn't been necessary.
He closed his eyes, fighting the urge to scream in frustration and curl up somewhere to cry.
It was Bailey who quietly dismissed her, assuring her they didn't need anything else. He and Rhett watched her walk away, but Thane couldn't look at her. He listened as the sound of her boots slowly faded down the aisle and then disappeared outside before meeting his brother's gaze.
"I don't know what to do," Bailey admitted.
Thane shook his head. "There's nothing we can do. We did too much. The only thing left is to pray God can fix it before she's gone."
* * * * *
Nessa made it out of the barn before letting a few tears blur her vision. Today had been hard. Not to mention awkward, painful, and exhausting. She didn't know how to act around Thane. Only twenty-four hours ago she'd been kissing him in the pasture. Now, she could barely look at him.
She ached for the comfort and safety she'd felt in his presence, yet his dishonesty still stung. And there was still the issue of him telling Kylie. Even if she could work things out with Thane, she didn't want to ruin his friendship.
She had to fight the part of her that wanted to run away and hide, that told her it was time to flee and protect herself. This wasn't a vacation. She'd been hired on at the Promised Land and she couldn't bring herself to leave knowing what kind of burden that would put on them.
Bailey still couldn't ride and it wasn't fair to make Thane do the excursions on his own. The ranch couldn't spare Troy to fill in. He had plenty to worry about to keep the rest of the business up and running. She'd feel worse leaving them in that situation than staying on until it changed.
She had no idea if that would be another couple of days or another couple of weeks. If Bailey's foot hadn't healed enough to ride, could she really endure another week or two or more filled with days like today? She tried to not to think about it, forcing herself to focus on one day at a time.
She swiped at her eyes, determined not to cry. She'd done enough of that last night. Instead she took a deep breath, blowing it out slowly, and turned her thoughts to Caleb.
Anticipating his phone call was what got her through the day. She couldn't wait to hear his voice again.
Reba and Dorrie worked on dinner when she stepped into the kitchen, pausing to pull her boots off and leave them by the door. Both looked up, but only Dorrie offered a greeting. Reba seemed to be waiting for Nessa to make the first move, unsure what she should say or do.
"Evening, Nessa. How was the ride?"
Nessa really didn't want to linger, but she couldn't be rude. She had no issues with Dorrie. "Great. We had a good group today. Talkers, but they made good conversation."
Dorrie nodded and though she smiled, Nessa could see the confusion and worry in her eyes. She had to sense the change and tension between her sons and the girls, but as far as Nessa knew, she didn't know any details. Of course, that meant nothing. There was a lot Nessa hadn't known over the past two weeks.
"Will the boys be up soon?"
Nessa shrugged. "I would assume so. They were finishing up with the last two horses. I'm going to go take a shower and change clothes. I'm expecting a call from my brother, so if I'm not down for dinner, please eat without me."
Reba's shoulders drooped, hurt and disappointment flashing across her face. Nessa ignored it as she crossed the kitchen, retreating. She knew Reba wanted to talk about it, to make amends and repair their friendship. But Nessa wasn't ready to hash it out with her.
She hurried upstairs, working to unravel her braid as she went. She tossed her hat onto her bed, staring at it as she untwined the last of her hair. She'd debated on using it, not wanting Thane to read anything in to it. The hat worked so much better than a ball cap and in the end she conceded. However, if she chose to leave, she wouldn't take the hat or boots with her. Too many memories attached and she hadn't paid a dime for either one. Technically, they were property of the ranch.
Finally freeing her locks, she tossed the hair band onto the dresser and then headed into the bathroom. She laid the phone on the counter, not willing to miss Caleb if he called. Thankfully she made it through her shower without the ring tone going off. Once she'd dressed and combed through her curls, she sat on the edge of the bed, wondering where to go for privacy.
The porch wrapped around the house and while the front side facing the lane wasn't used very often, two Adirondack chairs awaited anyone who did. She settled on those, able to slip out the front door without being noticed by anyone.
Her stomach gurgled, hungry for dinner, but that could wait. She'd scavenge the fridge later, once the meal was over. She wasn't sure she'd have much of an appetite anyway if she had to sit at the table and face all three of her betrayers at once.
She sank into one of the chairs, leaning her head back and letting her gaze roam over the ranch and out the lane. It seemed a lifetime ago that Thane had pulled his truck to a stop in front of that big, gaudy gate. After seeing it and the house, she'd expected a much different person than Dorrie. But Thane had been right when he said the extravagance was more of his father's expression of affection than Dorrie's need to be a diva.
While she thoroughly liked the Buchannon boys' mother and got along well with her, she certainly hadn't bonded with her the way Reba had. Some of that came from the fact that she spent more time in the saddle or the barn than in the house. The other part had more to do with her issues surrounding her own mother and the fact that she'd learned to function without her for the past three years.
She didn't know what to do with a mom who actually cared and loved her kids unconditionally. Even when she didn't agree with their choices. Nessa longed for a mother who would love her and accept her and support her the way Dorrie did Bailey when he became a teenage father. She hadn't condoned his actions, but she'd been there to help him rebuild if he was willing.
Nessa closed her eyes, letting out a sigh. The loneliness she felt reached depths no one could measure. She'd spent the last three years pushing herself to trust and rely on no one but herself. She didn't want to need anyone. While Reba had been by her side, Nessa did her best not to lean too heavily on her or rely on her for things she could do herself.
Now she'd run out of energy to keep going, her well running dry. She had nothing left to fight with, no strength to rebuild her walls and start over. Thane had managed to knock them all down, leaving her raw and exposed.
Emotion swelled in her chest and she waited for the tears to come, but she didn't have enough energy for those either.
Instead she sat in silence, eyes closed, listening to the sounds of the ranch around her, feeling whatever floated to the surface until her phone finally rang.
Her eyes popped open and she snatched up the phone, swiping to answer it. "Hello."
"Hey Sis, it's just me. Did I call at a good time?"
Now she could feel the tears sting her eyes. She blinked them away, swallowing against the lump in her throat. "Yes, this is the perfect time. I've been looking forward to your call all day."
Caleb laughed, a sound that cut through her, lifting her spirits. "Awesome. Too bad I don't have girls other than my sister so anxious for me to call."
Nessa grinned. "Whatever. I'm sure you've got a line of ladies waiting for you to give them the time of day. You'll be a starting senior on the football field this year. And you don't look half bad either."
"Half-bad?" Caleb scoffed. "That's the best you could do?"
"What did you expect? You're my brother."
Caleb snorted, grumbling something unflattering about sisters. Nessa ignored him, waiting for him to get over it. Finally he said, "Okay, moving on. What did you need to talk to me about? How did this road trip turn into a nightmare? Go ahead and give your half-bad brother the details."
Nessa rolled her eyes even though he couldn't see her, but she didn't comment. Instead she launched into the story of the past two weeks and how it all led up to the past twenty-four hours. Caleb interrupted here and there to ask questions or iron out details, but to his credit, he mostly just listened.
When Nessa finally ran out of words he stayed silent for a moment, processing it all. Then finally, "Wow. That's good enough for a reality show or at least a soap opera."
Nessa groaned. "Not helping Caleb."
"Okay, okay," he relented. "I agree that Reba shouldn't have told your secret. And I agree that Thane shouldn't have told this Kylie chick. But you've gotta admit that their motives were in the right place."
"I guess, but I didn't want or ask for their help. They seem bent on fixing me when I don't need to be fixed."
Caleb made a noise between a laugh and a cough, telling Nessa he didn't agree.
"I take it you agree with them?" she asked.
"Well, yeah. Sort of. I don't know that I would call it fixed. More like healed. Renewed. You can't really fix the situation any more than you've already done. You've turned away from the choices that got you pregnant in the first place, but beyond that, there's nothing else to fix. Now it's a matter of healing your soul and that's not something they can do anyway."
Nessa glanced down at her feet, toeing at a knot in the wooden porch floor. "You sound like them. Telling me over and over again that I need to let go and move on. That God is full of grace and forgiveness."
"Um. . . .why is that a problem? It's the truth."
"I'm not stupid. I already know those things!"
"Nobody said you were stupid," Caleb told her, his voice tight with annoyance. "You're just stubborn. You know it, but you refuse to accept it."
Nessa fought against her irritation, not wanting to snap at her brother. Right now he was the only friend she had. "I killed a baby Caleb. My baby. And every day since I've thought about who that person would've become and how selfish I was to choose my own pride over their life. It's really hard to walk away from that and act like it never happened."
"Nobody's telling you to forget it. That's impossible! We're just telling you to get past it."
"I don't know how! I don't know how to let God forgive me for it. I don't know how to get past it. I'm so angry at myself for letting it happen. I'm angry at Mom for living a lie for so many years. I'm angry at myself for letting her mistake push me into making my own. Mostly I'm angry with her for treating me like what I did is so much worse than her affair. If God's forgiveness and grace is good enough for her, why isn't it good enough for me?"
"It is Nessa!" Caleb cried. "That's what you're not getting. You keep looking at yourself through Mom's eyes and we both know Mom's been a real witch to you. She's the one in the wrong. You already took this to God and asked for forgiveness. Now quit bringing it up and reminding him how bad you were. This was one mistake, one moment of weakness, but it can also become your biggest strength. Think about all the people you could help by telling your story."
"Yeah, right," Nessa grunted. "I tell my story and I'm going to end up with a bunch of Kylie's staring back at me."
"Not if you're telling your story to a girl who just had an abortion. Or to one who just found out she's pregnant and is scared senseless. It's not gonna matter what you do or who you are. You could be God Himself and there would still be somebody out there who will criticize you and doubt your worth. Don't let that person be you Nessa. Use this. More than that, let God use this. You could turn this terrible moment of your life into something positive for someone else."
Nessa didn't have a comeback for that. She pulled the phone away from her ear for a moment, staring at it, wondering how her younger brother had become so wise. She'd never thought about it in terms of using her story to help someone else. She lived in fear of everyone judging her, shunning her, or outright hating her for her decision.
Finally putting the phone back to her ear, she asked quietly, "Do you really think I could help people?"
Caleb gave an incredulous laugh. "No, I'm just feeding you a huge line of bull because I like to mess with you. Of course I think you can help people! The abortion only has to be the end of your book if you let it. This isn't about you Nessa, it's about what God can do for you and through you. It's about proving to the world that He can take the darkest, most broken moments of our lives and still make something good. We are called to live above the standards of this world. It is the world that is calling for judgment and hate, not God. If you know Him at all, you know how much He loves us and wants us."
Caleb paused, his voice growing softer when he spoke again.
"He wants us so badly that He sacrificed a piece of himself to set us free. He knows exactly what you're feeling right now, because when He died on that cross, He took your abortion to Hell with him. He felt it Ness – the pain, the shame, the remorse. And then He left it there. You need to do the same. Stop seeing yourself through the eyes of the world and start looking through the eyes of God. What you did was stupid and horrible, but that's not who you are. You are who you choose to be from this point on."
Nessa closed her eyes and leaned her head against the chair again, feeling her brother's words creating sparks inside her chest, trying desperately to bring back hope.
"Why are you so nice to me? Why have you loved me so much when Mom has done nothing but hate me?"
"Because, Ness, I know that isn't you. The girl who had an abortion is not the sister I spent my life looking up to. At least, it's not all of her. There is still so much about you that is good and that's the part I love. I won't stop loving you just because you did one bad thing. I did thousands of bad things growing up and you still love me."
Nessa gave a small laugh, smiling in spite of herself. "Yeah, but nothing as bad as this."
"Doesn't matter. We're all a bunch of different looking sinners, but we all need the same cross."
The sentiment stuck in her head, an echo of an earlier conversation she'd had with someone else. They, and Caleb, were right. God didn't rank sin, the world did. She had let the world's opinion – her mother's opinion – matter too much to her.
She wasn't any better or any worse than anyone else walking the earth, she simply chose to sin differently than they did.
The idea that she was on a level playing field with her mother – and even Kylie – put their judgments into perspective. And it made Thane's acceptance of her and her past stand out in stark comparison. She knew he'd never done anything like she had – but he'd never made her sin to be any worse than his.
He truly lived his faith, choosing to act upon what the Bible told him and not what the world said. She hadn't believed such a man was possible, but Thane's existence proved her wrong.
"What do I do Caleb?" she whispered. "They still betrayed my trust, even if they were trying to help me. Even if I wanted to fix things with Thane, I don't want to ruin his friendship with Kylie."
"From what I've heard, Thane is a guy who follows God's heart. And if God is telling him that Kylie's in the wrong and his pursuit of you is right, then I don't think you should worry about it. He's a big boy. He can make his own decisions. I think you need to forgive him – all of them. It's what God's grace has done for you. We're called to pay it forward."
"So you think I should stay?"
Caleb sighed, the sound tinged with exasperation. "I think you should get on your knees and ask God to forgive you for being such a stubborn idiot."
Nessa snorted. "Wow, thanks for those wonderful words of encouragement."
"I'm serious. He put you guys out there for a reason. You've got work to do, so you better get over yourself and figure out what it is. If you focus on Him instead of Mom or Kylie, then you'll know exactly what you're supposed to do. Let it go Nessa. You'll never forget what happened, but you need to use those memories to create something good."
His advice held the same message that Reba's had over the years and it echoed what Thane had been telling her since she arrived. Why did she find it so much easier to believe her brother than them? Maybe it was because he didn't avoid what she had done. He laid it out for what it was and agreed with her that it was a stupid, terrible choice. He didn't try to brush it off or sugar coat it or pretend it didn't matter.
It did matter.
But it wasn't the only thing that mattered.
She couldn't take it back, couldn't do it over. She couldn't change her choice no matter how much she wished she could. She was still here. God hadn't struck her dead. Instead he'd given her Caleb and Reba, and now, Thane. She had a choice to make – would she still follow Him and let Him use her, broken, stained, and imperfect? Or would she continue to live for herself, hiding in fear of a world that wasn't her home?
She drew in a ragged breath, knowing it wasn't a decision she could make tonight. She had a lot to sort out before she decided what she wanted for her future – as well as where and with whom.
"Thank you Caleb," she told her brother. "You haven't said anything that Reba or Thane hasn't. You've just said it in a way that makes more sense."
"Huh," he grunted. "So I'm not half-bad at advice either?"
Nessa grinned. "You're not half-bad, period. In fact, I rather like you as my brother."
"Gee thanks," he grumbled. "But I'm glad I could help. I want to see the real you again Ness, not the one who's given up on herself. I miss you."
Nessa nodded. "I miss you too, little brother. I'll work on fixing that too. In the meantime, please call me whenever you can. And tell Ruthie and Dad I say hello. I love you guys. It's just Mom that I can't be around."
"I know, Nessa, and I get it. I think they do too. We've just been waiting for you to make the first move because we didn't want to make the wrong one."
"Well, I've made my move. Feel free to make yours."
"I'll pass on the message. Take care of yourself Nessa. Go forgive that cowboy. I think he's got potential."
"Whatever," she mumbled, unable to keep the amusement from her voice. "Go work on your own love life. I'll talk to you later."
"Yes ma'am."
Nessa said her goodbye and ended the call before dropping her hand to her lap. She stared at the phone for a moment, so incredibly relieved and encouraged after talking to her brother. Now to conquer the giants waiting inside.
* * * * *
Thane stood in the middle aisle of the horse barn, his body weary to his bones. Today's hike had worn him out physically, but it was the unfinished emotional business between him and Nessa that did the most damage. She remained distant, keeping any interaction between them strictly professional. When they'd returned to the ranch and put away their gear, she'd excused herself to go check on things in the office.
Without horses to tend to, Thane found himself unsure what to do. He didn't feel like going inside, watching the way Bailey and Reba interacted, his heart aching because he'd destroyed his chance for that with Nessa. He didn't have any idea where to help his Dad. That usually came as a request with special instructions when Troy needed something.
While he could stand to learn all that had changed inside his office, he knew Nessa had no interest in sharing space with him.
He ran a hand through his hair, letting out a heavy sigh, before shuffling towards the pasture. He paused at the end of the aisle, crossing his arms and leaning against the door frame. The horses grazed peacefully, none of them giving him any notice. Honey and Snickers stood next to each other, munching lazily on the grass.
Thane let a wry smile curl his lips. At least their horses still seemed to like each other.
He closed his eyes, fighting the wave of emotion that threatened to undo him. He wanted to scream in frustration, punch something until he ran out of steam. His anger for himself and his actions ran deep, as did his regret and desperation. He wanted to make this right.
But would Nessa ever talk to him again?
They couldn't spend the entire summer like this.
That is, if she stayed for the summer.
The thought of her leaving left his insides in agony. In two short weeks she'd stolen his heart and his breath, and every part in between. God had pushed him, and Thane had jumped all-in. He couldn't go back even if he wanted to. She'd changed him forever.
Had he made a difference for her at all? Did anything he said or did still hold merit? He hoped so, but at the moment, it didn't feel that way.
He closed his eyes, dropping his head against the door frame as well, images of Nessa on today's hike floating through his mind. She let him lead and do most of the talking, as she wasn't familiar with the hiking trail the way she was with the horses. But she'd still left a good impression with their guests, chatting and laughing and making them comfortable.
While her interaction with him had been minimal, he sensed a difference in her silence from yesterday. Monday had felt hostile and angry, her emotions being held at bay by a tight and short leash. Today, she seemed more contemplative than angry.
He didn't know what she'd talked about with her brother the night before, but if nothing else it appeared positive enough to calm her down.
Thank you Lord for Caleb and the relationship he's maintained with Nessa.
Thane wasn't sure what state she'd be in right now if she didn't have her brother to talk with. She avoided Reba and Bailey the same way she avoided Thane.
The thought of his brother and the redhead reminded him that he still needed to take the time to research and write down his Bible verses and song lyrics. Without anything else to do, now would be a good time.
He slid his eyes over the pasture one last time, an unconscious gesture to make sure all looked well, before turning to head back down the aisle. He'd only taken a few steps when Bailey appeared at the other end, grimacing and out of breath.
Thane frowned, calling, "You okay?"
Bailey nodded, stopping to wait for Thane to come to him. "We just got a text from Bill. Kylie started having preterm contractions, so they're headed to the hospital. He said he'd make contact again once they knew more."
Thane's frown deepened. "Why? Is this from the UTI? Or the meds?"
Bailey shrugged. "I have no idea and I don't think they do either. Hence why they're headed to the hospital. Just wanted you to know, since I'm assuming Kylie still isn't talking to you."
Thane shook his head, motioning for his brother to start walking. They fell in step, headed for the house. "No, she's not. As far as I know. I hope she's all right."
Bailey didn't comment as he limped his way back, Thane matching his pace to his brother's. The silence gave Thane's brain room to swirl and his thoughts made his stomach cramp. He'd lost his best friend for Nessa. And he'd lost Nessa because he'd told his best friend her secret. Now he had neither one.
What do I do now Lord?