Digging my bare feet in the sand, I sighed in frustration. The loud music had drowned out just a little, but the voices and endless chatter overlapped it. Even I could hear them, though I had put some distance between me and the bonfire. But, fortunately, the beach was filled with large boulders and where I was sitting almost completely blocked their view. But I could still see them clearly, if I squinted hard enough.
Before leaving for the bonfire, Cami had come over and insisted she help pick out an outfit for me. I told her I was fine with just some jeans and a nice t-shirt, but she shook her head and went into my closet, determined to find a cuter outfit.
She had picked out some high-waisted denim cutoffs that I hadn't worn in a while. I was actually surprised they still fit me. Paired with a white lace crop tank and brown sandals, the whole thing looked kind of cute. I brushed through my dark hair, and it fell in soft beachy waves. I beamed when I saw it wasn't frizzy for the first time in ages, although I wished I had longer hair. It was bra-strap length, and I seriously regretted cutting so much of it off after school last year.
I'd taken my meds just before heading out, praying they wouldn't fail me tonight. "Are you sure you want to go tonight? You don't have to if you're uncomfortable, or not ready for this." My mother had given me a way out, clearly worried about me, but I was already leaving, and Cam wanted to go, I couldn't break my promise, no matter how hard I knew it would be for me.
"It's okay, mom. I'll be back early, okay?" I'd smiled reassuringly at her as I waved goodbye and left with Camila.
I really regretted that now.
The cool sand was smooth and comforting against my skin as I sat close to the water, the sound of waves crashing on the shore like a sweet symphony to my ears. The ocean seemed to stretch out for miles, the glassy moon shimmering on the surface.
I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, once again asking myself why I was like this. Why I had changed so much, and why these feelings of insecurity, of not being good enough, seemed to consume me. I'd given up on trying to find an answer a long time ago.
I turned towards the bonfire again, unconsciously searching for Jacob or Camila. But there were too many people, drinking beer, dancing and talking and flirting and doing all the things I wish I was brave enough to do. But they were nowhere to be found.
I couldn't help but feel a little anger towards Cami. She's the one who asked me to come with her here, all because she didn't want to show up alone. When we arrived, she appeared to be even more nervous and jittery than I was. There were already a lot of people there, so we kind of blended in, and we talked for a while.
Turns out, not five minutes into the bonfire, she'd disappeared with some guy, leaving me completely alone.
I stood there awkwardly while a kind girl with a pixie cut tried to talk to me. I tried, I really did the best I could to keep the conversation going and not make it seem like I was the coldest person in the bonfire, but apparently, I hadn't tried hard enough; she left after a good two minutes of me being awkward and distant.
I scolded myself, but it was no use. So I stayed there, waiting for Cami to show up.
A skinny boy offered me a beer later on, and that's when I realized I just couldn't be there, I shook my head and walked away from the bonfire, desperate to be alone. Not that anyone noticed.
And now here I was, alone at the edge of the shore. I thought about how much longer I'd have to be here, on the lookout for Cami so when she first appeared, I'd be able to snatch her away and leave. I just hoped it wouldn't be long.
I couldn't exactly call my mom and tell her to pick me up. She'd be worried out of her mind, disappointed. I wanted to prove to her, and maybe also to myself that I could do this, I could start being who I was, but I was wrong.
I hugged my knees to my chest, resting my head on my hands. Looking out at the open sea, I saw three dark silhouettes far out in the water. Taking a closer look, I saw one of those silhouettes paddle, and stand on a board, catching a wave. They were surfing. I smiled, how awesome was that? Night surfing. I've always wanted to do that.
"Susan, calm down." A muffled voice came from near the bonfire, but was clearly getting closer with each step. I glanced to where the sound was coming from. A boy with wavy, blondish hair was walking away from the bonfire, lightly kicking at some sand in his path. I couldn't really make out much else since it was dark, but I could tell he was on the phone. I stayed in my little hiding spot as he talked. Maybe to his girlfriend?
"It's fine. I'm sure he'll be back soon. You know how much he works-" He scratched the back of his ear uncomfortably as he was cut off. I felt bad eavesdropping on some stranger's conversation, but what was I supposed to do?
Maybe he'll go away. If he was looking for a place to have a private conversation, I was ready to tell him to shoo, this was my hiding spot. He should find himself another one.
Okay, who am I kidding? I'd probably apologize for being there even though I didn't do anything wrong and leave instantly.
I was so caught up in my possible scenarios, that when he came into my direct view, he was already staring at me, a puzzled and thoughful look on his face.
I groaned internally. Damn it. I didn't even react. I just stared back at him, eyes widened.
"I got to go, Susan. Don't worry, alright? He'll be back soon." He hung up and walked towards me. Oh, shit.
I was preparing my apology for eavesdropping and was expecting the blonde boy to say something along the lines of get lost you freak/stalker/loner.
"So you like eavesdropping, huh?" He asked me, a small smirk tugging on his kind, handsome face. His wavy hair was being tossed by the soft wind and a few strands fell over his face. Bold, blue eyes that shimmered even in the dark held mine.
"No, no, I wasn't eavesdropping, I'm sorry, I just-"
He laughed humorously. "I was just messing with you. Sorry. I hadn't seen you there and I thought no one was here so..."
"Oh."
Oh? Oh? Really, Sam? How much more dry can your attempt at conversation get?
"So what are you doing here, hidden away? Looking for a break from all that?" He nodded his head toward the bonfire and sat down next to me on the sand without a warning. I was kind of dazed by how nice he was acting.
"Yeah... You too?" I turned towards him, arms even tighter around myself.
He nodded and stared out at the ocean. "Yeah."
He paused. "I'm Alex, by the way."
***
"PB and J, Doritos in the middle." I stated confidently, while he thought about it for a while.
"Alright, that's actually a pretty good combination." He shrugged and I beamed. It was one of the most delicious things I've ever tasted.
We sat crossed-legged, facing each other as the loud music continued to boom around us. I don't know how long we've been talking, time seemed to fly when I was talking to him.
Even after the initial awkwardness and my stale, monotonous conversation, he seemed determined to find out more about me, interested in getting to know me. I was surprised and didn't really buy it. Why would he be interested in getting to know me? He should've taken the fact that I was alone on the other side of the beach as a clear warning that I was not an interesting person worth wasting your time on. But he was just so kind and sweet. Slowly, I started getting more comfortable, more at ease.
When he asked me why I was here, I told him that I was new. He didn't ask any questions, he just nodded and smiled, which made me feel even more reassured.
Something about his lively, bright personality made me feel that way. The next thing I knew, we were talking about anything and everything, just barely an hour after meeting. It was weird, he was the first boy I've ever felt a true connection with. He just seemed trustworthy, real. It was refreshing.
He was in deep thought before a sudden idea came into his mind, making his eyes light up.
"Oreos dipped orange juice." He smiled mischievously as I nearly gagged in response. I scrunched my nose up in disgust, which made him laugh.
"Now that's just weird! How can you eat that?"
"I swear it's better than it sounds." He crossed his arms defensively.
"I am never trying that."
He sighed in resignation, dramatically, might I add. "Well, I tried." I laughed.
"So, what are you doing here, Sam?" He asked, in a more serious tone.
"I already told you, I just wanted a break from all that."
"No, I mean, at the bonfire. You didn't seem to want to come here in the first place."
"Honestly, I only came here for a friend of mine." I lightly traced over the cool sand with the tip of my finger, making random shapes in its path.
"Is she new here, too?"
"Nope, according to her, she's been here her whole life. Her name's Camila." I expected him to recognize her immediately, I mean, she's lived here since forever.
"Camila..." He thought about that and said her name, trying to remember. "Yeah, yeah. Short girl, black hair?" He gestured to the height of his chest, and I almost snorted. She wasn't that short.
"Yep. I wasn't even going to come here in the first place. But she asked me. And then she abandoned me, like two hours ago."
"Actually, I think I know who she's with."
"What, who?" I raises my eyebrows, surprised.
"Come with me." He stood up, patting down his pants to shake the sand off. He then extended his hand, helping me up.
"I think I saw her having a beer with my friend, Eric, a while ago. Then they just left together to the other side of the beach." We started walking closer to where everyone was as I thought of what he said. That was unexpected. But, I mean, good for her.
As we walked closer to the bonfire, many girls were turning their heads around to the shore, whispering and giggling about something. I trailed my eyes to what they were watching.
The chatter and cheering and drinking were growing even stronger as the guys who were in the water, surfing all that time ago, had come in. I took a closer look at the three of them.
I felt really disappointed when the first guy I saw was Nick. I really did not want to bump into him tonight, he would accuse me of stalking him again, but hopefully, he'd just ignore me.
His brown hair now seemed darker and messier, dripping wet. He had his wetsuit on, clutching his board with one hand while girls gaped at him. He winked at a pretty red head and I swear she blushed so hard, her entire face had turned red as a tomato.
Thank god I've never blushed.
Okay, I understood why they'd be fawning over him, but honestly? Once I met him, any sort of attraction disappeared. I just couldn't find someone with a bad personality hot. Were they all so shallow that they just didn't care about that?
I looked to the other two guys who were also coming in from the water. I saw the blonde friend Nick was with the first day, and another boy I didn't really recognize. Needless to say, girls were practically parading around them.
Apparently, guys in wetsuits clutching a surfboard were automatically 200% more attractive.
Nick seemed unfazed by the attention, clearly used to it. He just made his way past the girls pawing at him. He was hot and he knew it.
"Look, there's your friend." Alex pointed to the far end of the beach, where I saw Cami's small sillouhette close to a guy. She didn't need me here at all.
I was so distracted looking at her, I hadn't realized Nick had suddenly popped up from behind Alex, ruffling his hair and laughing, Alex's head in a headlock.
He cursed under his breath and rolled his eyes as Nick finally let go. Nick looked at me, and any playfullness he had going on with Alex disappeared, instead the look of annoyance was back as he saw it was me.
"So now you follow the both of us around? Careful with this one, Alex." He patted Alex on the back, sighing.
I had to resist from just exploding as Alex looked between the two of us, confused.
"I got invited here, actually."
"Whatever you say, stalker." A sarcastic smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.
Alex stepped in, obviously uncomfortable with how he was talking to me. "She goes to our school, dude. She's new. Now what the hell is your problem?"
Instead of saying another rude comment, he just threw his head back in laughter.
"She goes to-? Oh, man. Well, that's unfortunate."
I felt a knot tighten in my throat. How could he be so rude? His laugh had caught the attention of a couple people around us. He was embarassing me in front of everybody.
"Baby, you were so good out there!"
Thankfully, Emily suddenly ran up to Nick, and I swear I was about to run off as I always did when something became too much for me to handle. It was the only thing I was good at.
Emily was flouncing delicately around in a white dress which seemed eerily similar to the one I had on at the boutique. Except she fit in it perfectly. She planted a kiss on his cheek, but Nick was too entertained watching me cower to even want to look over at her. Actually, he almost looked annoyed.
I swear that expression stayed on his face 24/7.
Nick ignored her and faced Alex. "You really know how to pick them, don't you bro?" He said as he raised an eyebrow, then turned around and left, Emily linking her hands around his waist.
They were already walking away, but I heard Emily look over her shoulder at me and say "You know her?" He rolled his eyes and brushed her hand away.
"I'm sorry about that, he's an asshole." Alex replied, shaking his head in disbelief Nick.
I waved him off. "No, it's okay, it's not your fault. Why is he like that anyways?"
"Honestly? That's just how he is. The guy's got a big ego. He does whatever he wants when he wants and doesn't care about anyone but himself." He spat and it seemed like he disliked him just as much as I did.
"So pretty much everyone hates him, huh?"
"Unfortunately, no. They're afraid of him and they know not to mess with him, but everyone kind of looks up to him."
"Why are you friends with him anyways?" I stuck my hands in my front pockets, uncomfortable and not really knowing what else to do with them.
He looked down, as if ashamed and kicked at some sand. "Well, I wouldn't say we're... friends."
I stood there, thinking for a moment. So he hates him, then?
"What do you mean?"
"What I mean is-" He cut himself off and huffed, not wanting to finish his sentence. He scratched the back of his ear again, and by that point I was starting to get worried. What was he so embarrassed about?
"He's my brother. Step-brother, actually."
Wait....what?
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