I did'nt have the pride to go to the pond that Thursday. I did drive by to see if for some twisted reason Nicky was there, waiting. He was'nt. I have never been heartbroken before but I think that moment is the clostest I've ever come. I never knew how close Nicky was to me. I guess I did spend 6 hours a week with him, I all the sudden felt a big unhealable hole.
It's been 3 months since that day I saw Nicky drive away. It's the first day of summer now and I am clueless. Everyday has gotten worse and worse. I have let some of my closest friend slip away from me, my family has been concered but they didn't know about Nicky. For some reason I never opted to tell them. He was my special little secret. I thought a few times of going up to Aniston to see him play but I didn't think he would want me there.
I decide to take a ride up to the pond for the first time since. I drive slow scared of what I may come to. I reach the dirt road, turnoff. The ledge is barely anything without the ice caps. It takes two steps. It looks completly different. The trees are green exploding with leaves, the water crystal blue and the grass tall and scruffy. It looks so happy, yet still carries the lingering ambionce of that painful day. I stand on the bay for a while just watching the water ripple, kicking pebbles. Finally I get up to leave.
I go back the following days. Something pulls me back . It slowly heals the pain.
Its late June. The 26th to be exact. I sit on the bay with my toes in the water. I stare at it. The trees are swaying the cool breeze. I close my eyes and just listen to the scraping of the branches. I drift off a bit. I hear a little cluttering coming from behind me. Just as I open my eyes I feel something land on my shouler. I look up and move back. Stare up behind me. The sun outlines a familiar face. I dont make out who it is at first but my eyes focus, its Nicky. It feels like a dream. He sits down next to me.
We sit in silence for a long time before he finally breaks the conversation open.
"I'm sorry." he says squinting at the water. I dont know how to reply. My brain says, get up, run away. My heart makes me answer.
"Me too."
"You dont have to be, I over reacted. You didnt do anything wrong."
Well I know that, but I coudn't say it. He turns to me.
"Jordy, these last few months, I have been so...lonely. I cant even explain it. I felt so bad, I thought you hated me."
"Would i have stayed with you in the hospital if I hated you? Would I have come out here three days a week if I hated you?" I say starting to get emotional.
"I just panicked" he says plainly.
"I dont hate you, I felt the same way actually, I cant explain it." I say suddenly feeling a spark
He must have felt it too. He smiles at me..
"Jordy." he says wanting my full attention. I turn toward him.
"Will you go out with me?" he asks gazing into my eyes.
Was this what I had wanted all along? My head and my heart start bichering again but once again my heart wins.
"I'd like that." I say with a huge grin growing on my face.
We sit on the bay for a long time. Catching up. I didnt have much to say, I basiclally became a hermit after our little break up. Nicky on the other hand was the oposite. He gave up skating, saying th event traumatized him. He couldnt go near a pair of skates. He rented an appartment near Aniston and started working full time. I choked when he told me.
The sun starts to set behind the trees. That used to be our 'time to leave' signal. Neither of us flinch. Finally the final rays set behind the hills. I decide its time to go. I get up brushing off my pants. He follows my lead. I dont quite know what to do at this point. I have had many boyfriends but never been stuck in this situation. Do we hug? I can see he is feeling the same way. We do hug. I hold him on me for a long time unaware, not that he seems to mind. My head barely reaches his shoudler. He grew another 2 or so inches since the winter.
We pull apart and take the steps up the ledge before parting again. Just before I get in he says gently.
"See you tomorrow?" his hair blowing in the breeze
"Yeah, tomorrow." I say back through the gusts of wind.
I start up the old truck. The headlights frame the pond, my mind still imagines it to be the fridgid ice it once was. Now a pond, a shallow pool to mark a new begining.
I drive home faster than I should. Deer love to play chicken on these backroads but my foot is hard on the pedal. I finally reach my house. My mom asks where I have been. "Out with a friend." I reply. That answer seems to satisfy her enough, shes been worried after I totally dropped out of the social world.I dont think she even cares who it was.
I go to my room. Clutter everywhere. I get a sudden want to clean it all up. I have so much energy left. I start folding clothes and stacking books. I have never seen my room so clean. Square. It actaully feels nice, I never understood why poeple liked clean rooms so much, guess you cant judge something until you actually experience it.
I plow down on my bed and close my eyes. The moment replays through my head. "Will you go out with me?" over and over and over. I'm not sure if I have ever fallen asleep with a smile but tonight I definitly did.
I squint my eyes trying to open them, the sun lighting my room remindind me its a new day. I stretch my back out and it pops in a few different spots. 11:49, wow. I step out of bed onto the now clean floor. I walk out to the living room, though I know nobody is in there. I stand there for a minute looking out the window onto the green grass leading up to the big mountains before making my way to the bathroom to shower.
I put the water on cold, I cant stand warm showers in the summer, I feel like its putting the sweat on yourself before your body can even produce it. I scrub my hair and body. Not that I'm that dirty just a germ-a-phobe. I step out onto the seemingly icy tile floor.
I towel dry my hair the best it will go before throwing on some basketball shorts. I dont bother with a shirt, I never do when nobody is home.
I walk outside into the grassy yard. Butterflies are fluttering in the air, bees sucking off the flowers, a cloudless sky creates a panoramic view with the sun hanging high on the wooden fence. I sit down on the porch just taking it all in. Its the longest I've been relaxed in months. I sit back for a moment and take it all in.
i walk back in the house and throw on my shirt and shoes. Gonna go down to the pond. I bet Nicky will be there soon anyway. I jump in my hot car and throw my hands up as the burning seatbelt stings my hand, only noon and its already hot as hell. The radio blasts old rock music as I back out into the driveway. It sets the perfect ambiance for rolling down the old two lane road.
Its a short drive to the pond. I am somehwhat surprized to see Nicky is already there. He turns around when he sees me rolling down the road. I park it and throw the keys on the dash.
I run down to the bay. Its only then I realize we have never hung out anywhere but the pond.
Turns out, that didnt last.
Nicky and me get into my truck and drive up to Aniston. The whole way there we are blaring the music with all the windows down. I cant help but smile when I see Nickys shagy brown hair blowing in the wind. He hasnt said much.
I turn the radio down when we hit the old highway. It brings back all too familiar memories from the last time Nicky and I wrode together on this highway, that dreadful night. He must be feeling it too, he looks down at the floorboards when we pass the stop light. he doesnt look up for a while.
"So, where do you want to go?" I ask trying to avoid what were both thinking.
He shrugs.
"Should we hit the mall?" I ask
He shakes his head.
"Um? Downtown?"
He shakes his head again/
"Well where?"
"Take a left up here." he says almost inturuping me.
I had never taken this road but I do as he says.
I wait for him to give me more directions but he doesnt. Soon we hit an offroad intersection, left or right.
I ask him. He points left. I havent seen a car in miles, finally I ask:
"Where are we going?"
"You'll see..." he says simply.
I get a chill up my spine as the road narrows and green shurbs start to line the road. I keep driving. He finanally points to a pull off. I park the truck on a little dirt patch on the side of the road.
"Where are we?" I ask. He looks at me with a huge grin on his face.
"Just follow me." He says getting out of the truck. I slowly nervously get out of the truck I hear water rushing in the distance. Nicky is out waiting for me on the other side. He leads me to a small narrow beaten trail. I dont ask anymore questions but grow a bigger pit in my stomach the further we go. Finnally he pulls me into a big opening in the woods. I stare amazed at the sight. Its a huge grassy area with a river running straight through it. A rope swing hangs by a huge willow tree looking over a small ledge, seeping over the crystal water.
"What do you think, Jordy?" he asks standing tall.
"It's amazing." I say in awe.
I snap out of it and run into the water. "Race ya!" I yell running through the grass. I plunge into the chily water. It cuts through my sunburnt skin and feels like cool aloe. Nicky is close behind me. He walks in slowly and stands shirtless in the shallow water. I glide over and smile flirtingly at him before jumping on his back and pulling him in. He laughs tumbling into the choppy water. He flips me off his back before shoving me back, we both laugh. He can stand where I am a foot abouve the bottom. He giggles when he sees me flapping my feet with just my head above water.
I swim over to the edge and run up the hill onto the ledge. Nicky looks confused at first. I grab the rope and run back. I swing myself over the ledge into the deeper water. I splash Nicky and get his hair soaked. When I come up hes wiping the water off his eyes. He spashes me back. We spend the next few hours hanging out in the water.
After hours of splashing and wrestling we make our way out of the water to the beachy shore, a small patch of sun reaps through the trees. I sit down on a fallen tree laid on the shore. Nicky takes his shirt and wipes off his eyes before sitting next to me. He starts talking about what a big mistake he made turning on me. Suddnely I feel guilty. I should have chased him, caught him before he got away, before we wasted so many days.
I guess our flame was still kindling, it just took seeing eachother again to see what we'd missed, though I think we both felt the hurt. I feel even worse, now. Knowing his terrible past. I cant blame him for not wanting to let people in.
I look over at him. His wet hair cascading over his head. He is looking up at the tree tops, the sun shining in his emerald green eyes. How could anybody hurt him? He looks so innocent. He could never hurt anyone. I get an image in my head of a strung out woman throwing a little kid down the stairs. It sends a lump to my throat just thinking about it.
I snap out of my bubble and Nicky is now looking down, thumbling with his hands. I reach my arm up over his shoulder. My hand barely gets around his neck, stretched across his shoulder.
I make my way over the log and go behind him, wrapping my arms around him.
"Its alright Nicky, the important thing is, were together now" He laughs a little. I rub my head onto his. He lets loose a bit.
"I guess so." he sighs.
"Come on, we better get home." I say tugging on his arm. He sits firm for a minute. I grab my shoes off the beach and start my way back before I see he isnt following.
"Nicky?" I say. He gets up when I say this and slowly starts my way. He looks totally distant all the sudden.
We start walking. "You alright?" I ask knocking a plant out of the way.
He doesnt answer but I dont repeat myself. I cant help but wonder why. He doesnt say a word until we get back to the truck. I pull my keys out of my shoe and unlock the doors. He gets in the passenger side.
We start driving A.C. on low. Even half way home he is still quiet. I try to break through.
"Why ya being so quiet? You're not going to ignore me again for three months right?" I ask jokingly.
I smiles a bit and shakes his head.
"Just tired." he says
I feel like its a lie, but no use in pressuring him to tell me whats wrong, he will tell me when he's ready.
We finally get back to the pond after an awkardly silent car ride back from Aniston. Its almost dark by now. I turn off the engine and look over. Nicky is looking at me too. He half smiles again.
"Hang in there, buddy." I say, running his shoulder.
He unbuckles his seatbelt. And gets out. Before closing the door he says:
"Text me." he slams the door.
Five months ago I would have been surprized but this is Nicky.
On the dark drive home I realize just what I need to do.
Nicky doesnt want to "let me in" becuase he doesnt know who to trust. I need to break the burriur, show him he can trust me. It will be hard but I've got time and I really like Nicky I think if i can break down the wall, we could have something great.
. I find myself googling 'abandonment', searching for ways to get through to him. Most the answers are general but one made a lot of sense "To get him to let you in, you have to let him in."
That line made the most sence to me. I laid awake half the night thinking about it. "I just need to let him know I trust him, for him to trust me..." I think outloud to myself.
I wake up early the next morning and text Nicky, plan in full force.
"Want 2 come over 2day parents are out?" SEND
I wait 20 minutes for a reply but when I dont get one I decide to call instead. He answers after four rings.
"Hello?" he says
"Hey so I was wondering if ya wanted to come hang out today?" I ask suddenly nervous
"Uh" he says unsure
"My parents will be out all day" I add.
"Alright..." he says still sounding unsure
"I will text you the address." I say.
He mumbles something back into the speaker I cant make out. "Ok?" "Yeah?" Im not sure but I hang up and text him the numbers. I jump in the shower and get dressed and wait. I walked around the house fixing things up.
I walk into my room to grab my cell phone when I see a picture hanging on the wall. A big 8 by 12 of me and my old girlfriend Sadie. I could never take it down. I knew I was gay for almost a year before I finnally stopped faking and told her. She stopped talking to me all-in-all. Then moved after sophomore year. Dont get me wrong, there was a point where I loved Sadie. We dated for three years, I thought she was the one but it was almost over night I woke up and saw a different path. I just never had the strengeth to tell her. She cried for days after our break up. She told me she hated me, tried to get everyone to turn againt me. She thought I was lying. That was until I was publicly seen with Elliot Kaeler at the football game, hand in hand, Sadie and Everybody learned that night during the victory song, that Jordy Briggs really was gay. The news was all over school but nobdy ever said anything mean. I was still Jordy and in a small town, if you are who you are, thats all that matters. People admired that I could show and be proud of who I truely was, no one had a problem with me being gay, well no one but Sadie.
I tore it down off the wall and crumbled it into a tiny ball and threw it to the corner of the some-what still organzied bedroom. Its just then I hear a familiar rummbling motor pull up to the drive way. I shut off the lights and go out the living room, throwing open the front door. Nicky is already half way across the porch. Damn those 5 foot long legs carry somebody fast. I invite him in. He stands timid in the doorway.
We go to my room and play the Xbox for a while. Nicky is an amature at COD but I bare with him. He doesnt seem to be much into video games. So I turn the consol off.
"Well what do you want to do?" I ask.
Once again no solid answer. I decide to take charge once again.
"Well we could watch a movie, go on a walk,..um" I trail off trying to think of more things to do.
He saves me. "A walk sounds good."
We head outside and down the dirt road. We take the old dirt and walk by the school. These roads wind all around leading to the tiny town main street. I decide not to lead him that way, I dont think Nicky likes being seen in public off a rink. Nicky starts talking more and more the longer we walk. We walk down the dozens of dirt roads and alleys until the sun is setting behind the old oak trees. I decide to take the long way back to the house. I like it when he talks and if he's comfortable, he does. He must not be comfortable a lot. We get back to the house, I lead him to his car. He leans against the drivers side door.
"Well I guess you'd better get going" I say the breeze catching my hair. He nods in agreement.
I know I need to do something. What? We stand there awkwardly for a minute, he knows it too. When he stands up straight, we fall into a hug, our first real hug. My head barely comes above his shoulder, yet he nezzles his hair into the crease of my neck, his big arms wrapped all the way around my waist. I felt fire, suddenly the kindling spark egnighted full force, we both felt it and pulled away grinning.
The next two months Nicky and I hang out everyday. I have learned just about everything about him. I found a way in, and thats to be out. He only talks when hes outside. We spend the hot July days hanging by river outside Aniston or taking walks down old dirt roads. Everyday we get closer and closer. School is coming on and I'm not sure what winter is going to bring, so I decide to soak up these last weeks while they last.
Tonight Nicky and I are going up the old pond for the first time since day one. The trees are swaying in the cool August sky. The leafs are ruffling, fond memories. The water is ripping. The occasional minnow making the smallest ring in the water.
I look over at Nicky. He seems so relaxed, at ease. I dont think I have ever seen him like that before. He is such a shy guy with a huge heart. I did what I promised myself I could do. I was the only one in Nicky's world. The one he truely trusted, his best friend. I hear the sound of an own in the trees before Nicky makes the old 'its time to go' pose. Something comes over me. I lay my hand on his on the sand.
He looks at me wondering. I put my other hand behind his head and pull him into me. I'm on my knees to reach his sitting position. His head tilts just a tad so does mine. His lips press on mine, warm and soft with a hint of mint aroma. I take it in, so does he. The last bit of sun sets behind the tree tops and we pull apart, ever so slowly.
We are both gazing at eachother in awe, not sure of what to do. So we sit for a long, long time.
I dont sleep much that night, my heart is crying out for him. My eyes sting. I lay in bed paralyzed of what tomorrow might bring.
The following days go on better then ever. The thought of fall is creeping closer and closer out of the back of my mind with each passing moment.
Just a week before school starts Nicky and I are sitting on the bay of the pond. Its cooled down a lot since the night of our gorious first kiss.
We sit criss crossed in the sand. Sitting in the dusk. Nicky positions himelf into my lap, laying his head on my shoulder. I stoke his long hair back behind his face.
"Jordy?" he says from below me.
"Yeah" I reply still stroking his hair.
"I'm leaving"