Four.
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↠ November 10: Evening ↞
I had been waiting for this hour to strike, finally.
It was a nightmare walking around, thinking about Bella all day long but having no idea where she spent her days. All I knew was that she worked at the bar during the evenings. She had been kind enough to leave me a paper with her working hours so I knew when to show up and when not to. I had asked her for an address to her home but she had kindly declined my offer of hanging out. I didn't take it too personally, just slightly.
Today was Friday meaning there would be a lot of heartbroken men drinking their problems away at the bar. I would not be alone there which meant I would not be having all her attention for myself. It also meant that I would have to keep things professionally, no touching nor flirting. More than the usual, that is.
She looked excited when she gave me her working hours, happy as if she had been waiting to do that for ages. It made me completely warm on the inside, knowing she did care about me a little. If she didn't, she would not have been that thrilled to see me in the future.
Bella gave me confidence, strangely enough. She made me confident and assure of myself, in a good way. When I was around her, I get nervous yet I know that she might be thinking the same thing as me. I could tell by the darkness in her eyes before that she wanted me too. I knew that the kiss we shared was only supposed to stay that - a kiss.
If anything else happened, I could end up in big trouble. And I had promised everyone around me (my team, manager, parents, friends; everyone) to stay out of trouble and be a clean soul for now. I devote myself to God and I should stay that way. Having sex with minors was a big clear no-sign.
But she did say she was almost eighteen. Something about a few months left, I think perhaps four. It was November now and I could totally see her being a February child. Maybe it was good for us, if we were to develop some kind of relationship, to wait a while too.
It hit me that she might even be a virgin.
She is quite innocent, as a person, so it would not surprise me. At the same time, she seemed very aware of what she was doing while we were kissing so I could be wrong too. I decided not to ask her about it, in case it would be an awkward situation for her. Maybe it would even be uncomfortable for me.
Hell, she might not even be thinking about this type of things between us. She could easily want me as a friend, I seem to be stuck in the friend zone with all girls around me lately. Just because she kissed me, does not mean she wants more. I shouldn't be thinking too far ahead, either. I tend to dream myself away during the days, creating a whole life somewhere far away from my own reality.
I could imagine me and Bella, having a romantic dinner at some beach on a private island. I bet she would like that, though.
But then again, I have a habit of thinking too far ahead and only end up disappointed. She could have complete other thoughts than me and I should take the responsibility to not make us move too quickly. I was the old one of us, I should be the one in control.
I pushed the doors to the bar forward, hearing a little noise cling as I stepped my foot inside. The instant smell of alcohol mixed with sweat but as I looked around, I noticed I was the first customer for the night since all the other chairs around the bar were empty. Bella looked up from the counter and the moment she saw me, her entire face lit up with happiness. It made me smile widely.
"Justin!" She squealed and ran up to me, embracing me in a tight hug. "How are you? I'm so glad you came! I'm super bored, there's no one here yet!"
"You just opened," I chuckled at her anticipation and I could still not understand what kind of hype she felt when serving alcohol (mainly whisky) to men. The bar always had this smell, alcohol mixed with old men's cologne that wasn't necessarily an attractive scent.
She dragged me to one of the chair's and then jumped around to the other side, the serving side. Without asking, she grabbed an empty glass and filled it with the dark amber looking liquid. I didn't mind, I was in need of one anyway.
Shooting the glass over to me, she teased a smile. "May it be anything else?"
"Are you on the menu?" I grinned and once again, the sudden boost of confidence hit me. It was only when I was around her and I loved the feeling of somewhat control again. She laughed and shook her head which made me pout, "that's too bad."
It was like the time froze when I stared at her. I couldn't help myself from looking at her beauty and I couldn't understand how a seventeen-year-old had the genes to look like that. Her parents must be gorgeous to make such a beautiful child. I barely had the power over myself anymore as I asked before I could stop myself, "Do you have siblings?"
"Me?" She pointed at herself as if I would have been talking to someone else. Yet, we were alone. "I do, a sister, I think."
"You think?"
"My family left me when I was younger. They didn't believe in me so they dropped me on the street. So did my best friend too." Bella shrugged and the tension between us suddenly turned depressed. I could relate to her sadness even though it had been a few days since I felt the depression take over my body. I had been happy lately, the past three days of knowing her. I wish I had to courage to tell her that but I realised it was not the time. Instead, I hummed, to make her understand that I was listening. "Lola found me and took me in for care."
"Lola?" I questioned, "Who's that?"
"A woman I met on the streets," She laughed as if it was a joke. My parents didn't leave me but I did feel abandoned sometimes from my family. "She's really nice and we have these hours that we spend just talking about all of our problems and we go through strategies together on how to make me heal."
I furrowed my eyebrows together, "Wait, you're sick?"
"Only sometimes." She laughed. "Which reminds me..."
I sat quietly and watched her as she bent down to get a little box that looked like some kind of medication pills. She took four and then swallowed them down with a glass of water. I realised I should have taken my pills this morning too but it had completely slipped my mind. I was too busy thinking of Bella each minute, anything else had become irrelevant.
Maybe I don't even need to take my pills considering I was feeling somewhat happy right now. Thanks to Bella, I didn't feel any anxiousness in my body whenever she was around. I was simply happy and plain.
I couldn't wait to tell my therapist all about Bella and how happy she's making me even though we met just three days ago. In reality, I think it's more the thrill of having someone caring more about me than as a friend and actually letting me do things. Bella's special and she seems nice but I think I am more out for just someone who wants to spend time with me, be with me.
I think the reason I am obsessing so hard with her is not because of who she is (even though she's absolutely stunning and completely flawless) but because I need someone to spend my time with. It could have been anyone showing interest in me and I would be swept off my feet.
I'm not even sure it's a good thing to be this easily seduced, especially not if your name is Justin Bieber and you're a worldwide famous superstar.
Something I had noticed with Bella was how she had not once mentioned who I was. I figured she did that out of respect, not wanting me to think she knows who I am but it was impossible for her to not notice me, right? She knew who I was, I was certain of it but she was pretending to not care at all. Maybe she didn't care, though, I might be overreacting as usual.
Get yourself together, Bieber.
Only the thought of having a woman showing interest in me made me freak out on the inside. It's been so long since I touched someone that way and so long since someone wanted to touch me in that way. Bella came out of nowhere and showed me that there's still some hope for me. She makes me confident and I realised the only reason why is because she doesn't reject me. Whenever women welcome a man and accept him, they'll make us feel good about ourselves.
Plus, this girl had been on my mind since the moment I saw her. I've been having images of her in my brain - at all times. She's been both naked and with somewhat clothes on, in my bed. I think I finally had her and she was soon going to be wrapped around my finger. I wanted someone I could have control over again, to bring back my confidence with and let me do almost whatever I want to their body. It's been so long since a girl did anything for me. I used to be Justin Bieber, the womaniser who every girl needed to sleep with. I don't know what happened, in all honesty.
I was going to take that title back somehow, I was sure of that.
"What are you thinking of?"
"You."
I saw the opportunity to throw in some lines and I was starting to feel like my old self, more and more, for each minute that passed. She blushed and looked down and I felt the power I used to feel, come back. I needed more.
I think I had this weird obsession with seducing women and making them fall for me, making them beg for me. I was planning on doing the same to her, all I needed now was to figure out how.
Bella seemed like a quite independent woman who didn't need a man around her. She had been the one controlling me so far but I could feel myself slowly starting to change that. The more I talked, the more she blushed and the more she blushed, the more power I received. If I could make her fall for me instead of the other way around, I could go back to feeling powerful.
I wasn't planning on hurting her because she did seem like a genuine girl that I could actually fall for too. I think I already was, slightly. Still, I wanted us to be on the same page. I couldn't risk getting my heart broken again.
Not like last time, I would end up being a wreck and get a tonne of bullshit from the media thrown at me again. It would end badly, just like last time. If I could just get Bella's attention and we could move, together, from there.
And just as I was thinking about it, she leant forward and placed a kiss on my lips - unexpectedly. I jumped slightly out of surprise but smiled once she waited for my reaction.
Once again, she looked at me with those innocent eyes that made me want to rip our clothes off so I could take her over this counter immediately. Obviously, I couldn't do that. She had opened and there would be other people here soon. Plus, I was too much of a coward to do that. She hadn't given me enough confidence for that action yet. I could feel it coming closer, though.
"Why are there no people here?" She asked, a frustrated tone in her voice. I shrugged and told her that maybe people were busy tonight. She refused to listen to my ideas. "Well, they should be busy here, with me!"
I couldn't help but notice how angry she suddenly looked as if the world would end if she didn't sell enough alcohol in one night. I could understand her since I had heard that this business was quite ugly on the inside but at the same time, I thought she was overreacting. It's not that big of a deal plus the fewer people that showed up, the more I got her for myself. I assumed she wanted it that way too, just me and her, but maybe I was wrong.
It only took a few seconds after that for someone to open the door and the little noise was heard again. I sighed, knowing my time with her was up. I would have to go back to sharing her with all these men that wanted her in the exact same way I did, unfortunately.
"The usual?" She had the same teasing smile she used to give me towards the man who looked completely ruined as he sat down on the same side of the counter as me. He looked like an alcoholic. I got a pang of jealousy when I realised that they must have been interacted like before and suddenly I didn't feel as special to her anymore. Bella only took a few seconds to serve him what he wanted and he left her a few dollars.
Why did everyone always underpay her? She deserved more and I knew he had more to offer.
She poured up a few other glasses that she kept for herself behind the bar. I assumed they were prefinished glasses she could use for others, drinks that she knew would be ordered. Once she had completed her task of filling up the empty glasses, she turned to me with a smile.
I felt a little bit like one of those glasses. Half filled up, waiting for something to fully complete me.
Bella hummed and I realised she was not too bad at singing. It impressed me and I narrowed my eyes at her secretly for not telling me about her talent before. It felt weird to not have someone that can sing throw themselves over me. I was used to having girls and boys wanting to sing for me, hoping to get picked up just like I got when I sang for Usher. People think that only because it happened to me, they think I would understand and create the same life for them that was created for me.
They were wrong, I didn't care about anyone else singing. I wanted to save people from this world, not bring them into it.
No one actually knows fame. People think they do but I can always prove them wrong. Being famous is not the same as having money and women thrown over you, it's about pressure and the idea of always having to be perfect. Famous is being seen from only one perspective - and it was never your own. Always through other people's lenses, no one dared to look into your life and see the reality behind being famous. Anytime someone wanted to insult me, they would use the fact that I'm stone cold rich but still feel poor on the inside. When I was young, I thought money was going to solve all my problems but today, I realised it was never going to happen. My problems are so much deeper than money. They're inside of me. Something neither money or women can fix.
I think I would have to accept the fact that I would somehow always be a little bit of a freak. I'll always be some kind of failure even though I will continue to win Grammys and have screaming fans, supporting me. I would always feel like I'm not good enough and perhaps it has to do with the fact that I might not be.
I looked around, realising that I must have been so deep in thought that I didn't notice all other people coming into the bar. Bella was busy now and she barely had time to look my way. I felt lonely and slowly packed my things to leave. I've had my time with her and now she needs to be done with everyone else to make it through the night. I shouldn't try and be some kind of distractor.
I had better things to do too, I was already late with everything I should have been doing for myself. People were mad at me for not taking the responsibility to fix things, I had noticed angry looks on my team-mates faces lately. I wasn't a favourite of theirs anymore and I don't think I had been for a long time. Everyone was growing tired of me, exhausted for having to deal with me still.
I slowly sneaked out of the bar and while a part of me was hoping for Bella to stop me and ask where I was going, the rest of me already knew it was not going to happen. Just like I had figured, I got disappointed once I made it to my car and realised she had not even noticed me being gone yet. I could still see through the glass, she hadn't even looked my way. She was busy serving other men and I was not on her mind.
I wish I had a job to distract myself from lovers too. Unfortunately, my job was about writing stories and song lyrics involving them.
I knew I was in no right state of mind, after my few glasses of whisky that I had succeeded to take during my pub time tonight, but I still sat down in there and I still drove away. I still broke the law by driving while being under the influence.
Fortunately for me, I was at least not caught.
I already knew I was going to have a long, sleepless night ahead of me.
//
Here's another chapter for you all, I hope you liked it!
It won't be long now... ;)
xoxo,
maybelline