1916
Three nights so far.
Three nights on watch, followed by three days on the frontline, dodging grenades and fixing walls.
Our line sergeant frowned at me as he read my name for night watch three times. The order had come from high command and I could see he was puzzled. I'm a good solider. I haven't misbehaved, there's nothing to punish me for. At first he assumed it was a clerical error, but even before he double checked I could have told him it wasn't.
The advance over the top as been delayed, apparently the Germans managed to do quite a lot of damage in their night raid. We're focusing on a couple of days of rebuilding, firing on them heavily and hoping they don't attack between now and us being ready to face them.
I managed my first day and night with no sleep. Jimmy, without hesitation, took over another soldiers watch for my first night. He suffered the next day with me, rebuilding a trench wall. In his loyalty he volunteered on watch the second night and we forced each other to stay awake.
It's the end of the second day. Tommy and another soldier, who were supposed to be resting in the reserve trench, ran over and insisted I sleep for two precious hours while they took over my work of shifting sandbags.
Jimmy had no such luck. He was in another part of the trench and no one offered to take his place.
Our names are called for watch. Myself and Private Paulson. He's a good friend of Goodhams. I stare numbly at the ground. I'm so exhausted that I can't guarantee I won't slip up, fall asleep accidentally or be slow to move.
Luke and Tommy can't offer to cover, they're supposed to be in the reserve trenches resting tonight.
Jimmy catches my eye and he steps forward, looking utterly exhausted and says he will cover Paulsons watch.
I can barely stand. I can't speak out to protest against this, my body sways, odd little white lights swim across my vision. It's been 52 hours with just two hours sleep.
Jimmy, pale and completely worn, takes his position opposite me.
"I have at least another night watch to do after this Jim." The words don't sound like my own.
I know what Darlington wants. He wants me to fall asleep on watch. The punishment is court marshal and firing squad.
He must know. He must be aware that Evelyn's baby was mine.
What other reason does he have to hate me so much?
I don't want him to win but my determination is wavering. Every single blink of my eyes begs for just a moment longer, a moment more before I prise them open.
I force my eyes open, focusing on Jimmy's pale, tired face.
"Just give in Harry." Jimmy whispers. "I'll keep a look out."
I shake my head at the unfairness, he's slept less than me, but my eyes droop, even a loud bomb nearby isn't enough to wake me fully.
Goodham is patrolling, making sure I don't sleep. The difference is that he is allowed to sleep during the day.
I blink slowly.
Once.
Again.
I just need to close my eyes for a short second then I'll be ok.
It seems like a millisecond before I open my eyes.
Luke is sat in front of me, grinning cheekily. Jimmy is slumped next to him snoring.
I open my mouth to speak but Luke presses a finger to his lips to shush me.
Luke isn't allowed to be here. He's supposed to be in the reserve trenches. We'd all be in serious trouble if he's caught.
I open my mouth to say this but he grins and waves his hands to shush me.
I blink again.
A hand is shaking me awake.
Tommys thin face is inches from mine.
"Look lively Harry." He whispers.
Before I have time to respond he slips away in the fading darkness and Goodhams small frame is visable, walking towards me. Jimmy is grinning tiredly towards me.
"Good mates we've got Harry."
"The best." I smile, standing painfully.
"You've survived another night watch Styles." Goodham smiles nastily as he nears us. "Today you're going to be counting artillery. Any mistakes and there will be penalties."
I nod slowly, trying to keep the loathing from my face. My body feels stiff, awkward from my few hours sleeping position.
The day passes thankfully quickly and as I'm finishing my tasks a rumour reaches me.
Over the top tomorrow.
As always, my heart sinks at the thought of another battle. I've been lucky to survive so long, surely my luck isn't going to last forever.
The euphoria of a few hours sleep has left me and I stand shakily in line. I feel like I haven't slept in a month.
This was his plan.
I'm on watch again tonight and I know with absolute certainty that I won't survive tomorrow. I'm exhausted, mentally and physically and after another night watch the sheer tiredness will make me too slow to react, to slow to fight.
I won't make it. I'm going to die.
The realisation hits me full force.
My knees begin to shake slightly. I force myself to salute as Officer Darlington saunters out of the company dugout.
I can feel the shake creep up my body. Not from fear of his presence, but fear of the power he has over me.
"Don't you dare show the bastard you're scared. Don't give him that." Luke hisses from next to me.
Darlington doesn't speak as he walks down the line of soldiers. I can't help a knot of weak anger when I see Goodham walking next to him, lording it over us as if he isn't the biggest coward to ever walk these trenches. He isn't fit to clean the mud off our shoes but here he is, acting like a sergeant.
"All of you are being moved to the frontline tomorrow." Darlington says finally. "You are the envy of your countrymen. It is the greatest honour a man can have to lay down his life for his king and country."
"Guess you'll be coming with us over the top then." Luke mutters, just slightly too loudly.
A nervous snigger comes from the soldiers around us and Darlington narrows his eyes as he walks down the line towards us. He stops directly in front of me and I stare directly ahead, not allowing myself to meet his eye, god knows he'd see the fear in mine.
"Not all of you." He says softly. "Styles."
I stand fully upright at the sound of my name.
"You won't be going. You may enter the reserve trench directly for several days rest."
In my confusion my eyes slip to his face. He's smiling softly and glancing at Goodham, who in turn is staring at Jimmy.
Jimmy looks exhausted. He's had even less sleep than me he's struggling to stand upright. If he's going over to top tomorrow he needs to sleep, god knows he doesn't look capable of staying awake another hour.
"Private Neeson and Private Helmson will take a watch together tonight." He gestures to Luke and Tommy with a glance at me, as if he somehow knows that they saved me last night.
"Private Jimmy Hainsworth will take watch with Private Goodham further down the trench."
Luke's horrified gaze flicks at me. There is no way Jimmy can stand another night on watch then fight in battle tomorrow, especially with Goodham watching his every move.
"I must say, Sir..." Our line sergeant steps forward, frowning. "Soldiers who spend a night on watch are not expected to go into battle the next day. They should be out on rest, they should be-"
"Things have changed." Darlington cuts him off.
Goodham gives him a sly glance and with utter horror, I realise what they are doing. Of course he doesn't want to kill me. My suffering is far more important.
He'd far more enjoy taking the thing I value most in the world. He already has Evie. There's only one more person he could take from me.
My heart races as I stare the huge, exhausted frame of my most loyal friend and realise that his in his friendship with me, he may just have signed his own death warrant.
***
Evelyn
1915
"Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them-"
Bobby breaks into my monologue with a yawn. His little chubby chin creases against his neck and I can't help but laugh.
"I know, I know." I smile, scooping him into my arms and pressing a kiss to his fat cheek. "I've always hated Shakespeare too. But I had a very dear friend who loved him." I lower my voice to a whisper. "And you must grow up like him. Never like your father."
Bobby gurgles happily and grins up at me.
"You see," I whisper against his ear, "it's so very important to me that you become a good man and treat people well as he did... So you must suffer Shakespeare!"
Bobby giggles as I bury my face into the folds of his neck with a laugh.
"Ma'am!" The warning hiss from my maid comes from outside the door and I quickly place Bobby back in his chair.
Bobby pouts and I shush him, running my hands down my dress just as Robert enters the room.
He looks pathetic. Fully adorned in the Officers uniform, a man serving his country when we both know he is less worthy of the pride in the uniform he wears than a beggar on the street.
He seems to catch the resentment in my eyes before I can lower them and there is a long pause. He walks over to Bobby and to my delight, the child wriggles away from his hand.
"I leave for France today." He announces.
I nod, not daring to look up lest he see the happiness on my face.
"Your father has told me you are to return to the estate." He says, as if I am a mere possession to be guarded and passed around.
I nod quietly. At least Bobby will enjoy it there.
"Look at me Evelyn."
I raise my head, hating myself for the dull stab of fear that meeting his eyes brings. I vaguely wonder how he can regard me so coolly when last night he used me so viciously.
"I think..." His lips twist into a cruel smirk. "I think you have become rather too attached to my son." His hand curls around Bobbies shoulder and the baby begins to whimper at the touch. My mouth is dry.
"What do you mean?"
"You will return to your fathers estate. Robert junior will go to his mothers home."
I stare at him as Bobby begins to cry loudly.
"You can't-" I choke.
"I can." He smiles.
"No. Please." A sob chokes me and before I know what I'm doing I rush forward and grab Bobby into my arms. "She doesn't care for him, he is always with me! He-"
"He is not your son. Perhaps if you had provided me with one of your own you wouldn't have to suffer this now."
He smiles and I realise this was part of his game all along. He knew I would love the baby, he knew I would care for him as my own. He intended this to happen.
The cruelty is too much and I throw myself on my knees, holding the crying baby in one arm and clutching his jacket with my other.
"Please. Please don't do this." A sob breaks in my throat.
I've lost so much, Harry, Adeline... I can't lose Bobby too. I can't.
"I'm the only mother he's ever known! I love him." I beg at his feet.
"He isn't yours to love." Robert smiles softly, relishing my agony.
Before I protest his stewart steps forward and grabs Bobby from my arms. His tiny scream of indignant protest tears at my soul. I scrabble towards him on my knees but all to quickly he's taken from the room. His loud cries of confused separation echo down the hall.
"Don't be so pathetic." Robert hisses. "Look at you. I married a lady, not a common fishwife who crawls on her hands and knees."
He steps over me, smiling to himself.
"You denied me what I wanted. Now I do the same to you."
He glances at me, a sobbing disheveled mess on the floor.
"I trust you will write to me."
With a final joyous smile he leaves the room and his footsteps sound down the hall in the wake of Bobbys screams.