Man, it's been so long since I've updated. I'm sorry... Just some personal things going on. Let's just say I can relate to my fictional version of Luke...
I just want to tell you guys that I am not happy. Not just about this story, unhappy about, well, everything. That may affect my updating, so it's necessary to state so.
I will still try my best, though.
Here's a recap of the last chapter, because it's been such a long time:
When Ashton woke up, without Luke's arms wrapped around him. As soon as he opened his eyes, he squinted at the light shining through the window.
Groaning, he placed a hand on his head. He felt as if he had a hangover; his head was pounding. What a bad start to the day. Ashton absolutely hated getting sick, it made him feel miserable. and mad. Being sick was a miserable thing, and Ashton couldn't afford to be miserable.
Rolling out of bed (well, Luke's bed), he stumbled to the bathroom. I'm fine, he told himself over and over again. I'm completely fine, I can get over it.
He liked to believe that he was 'strong', but deep down he was freaking out. I'm gonna throw up. I'm gonna throw up. He repeated it in his head over and over, until he was sure he was going to throw up.
He ran to the hallway, desperate to get into the bathroom. His vision was blurry, as if he was on some drug. He pushed open the door, and saw something he never would of expected to see. I didn't know it was this bad.
And with that Ashton puked his guts out.
____________
"I'm fine!" Ashton protested, for the hundredth time.
"No Ashton, you're not. Every time one of us leaves you, we find you throwing up in the bathroom."
"But Calum!"
Calum wasn't going to let Ashton stay home alone. After being sick for a day and a half, and not being able to stay in his bed for more than an hour, he certainly wasn't ready to be on his own.
"No!"
"Go away then. I want Luke! He doesn't yell at me."
It was no surprise to Calum. Ashton and Luke had been 'getting close' lately. Always needing to sit beside each other, and just being together at all times.
Calum just rolled his eyes. "What if Luke doesn't want to see you?"
"He does." Ashton replied firmly. The truth was, he didn't know if Luke actually did, but he hated losing an argument with Calum. He would bring it up day after day, until Ashton would get so tired of it, and vow to never talk to Calum again. But that never really worked out, because here they were, talking again. Argument after argument...
No more arguing was needed though, because both Michael and Luke were already at the door of Ashton's room.
"Can you guys, please, um, keep it down?" Luke asked quietly. It was so quiet, that Ashton had to think twice about if he said 'down' or 'dog'.
"What he means is, shut the hell up, because we're watching a movie."
"Ooh! What movie?" Calum asked, jumping up from the end of Ashton's bed.
"You're missing the point. But it's Iron Man, by the way."
"Sweet!" Calum ran out the door, and Michael followed, leaving Luke and Ashton alone. Normally, the two boys wanted to spend time together, but this time, it seemed forced. Maybe because it was. And it made Luke feel paranoid, his anxiety kicking in. He knew that forced meant that the other person probably didn't want to see you (and forced can mean awkward in their situation, as well). When actually, it was quite the opposite.
"So," Ashton started, not knowing what to say. He also didn't know that Luke was freaking out, mentally.
"So.." Luke repeated. "How are you feeling?"
"Alright. I haven't eaten all day, though. Calum says I can't, because 'I'll just throw it up'."
"That's terrible, you should really eat something. I heard that having an empty stomach can hurt more than actually being sick.."
"That's not exactly science, Luke. Are you okay? I thought you were smart."
Luke's heart sunk into his chest. He thinks I'm stupid. No one loves a stupid boy.
"Are you okay, Luke? You suddenly just got... sad."
Luke put on his best fake smile, and said two words that he said too often (but never actually meant); "I'm fine."
~
The next couple of days were hell for Luke. Whenever he saw Ashton, it physically hurt him. Knowing that the person you love doesn't love you back, hurts a hell of a lot more than they make it seem in chick flicks.
Ashton got better. After having the flu for nearly a week, he stopped throwing up, and got better almost all at once. Of course Luke was happy for Ashton, but it meant more flirty comments, that would run through Luke's head at night and make him wonder why Ashton was so perfect, and why he couldn't have him.
Over the past few weeks, Luke had been thinking. How will I ever get Ashton, if I'm too scared to even tell him my feelings? If I never do, then he could end up getting a girlfriend, and I'll feel even worse, knowing that I could of said something about how I feel. Even if he doesn't like me back, I can at least except the fact that he doesn't and try to get over it.
At least I'll know the answer.
And that was how Luke thought, for 13 days. 13 days, before deciding that he would let Ashton know that he 'fancied' him a little bit (even though he loved him, they say that crush's last 4 months, if it's longer it's love).
At 11 am, Luke left his cozy bed, and retreated to the kitchen for breakfast, even though he wasn't hungry. His stomach did flips, as he saw that the only empty seat was next to Ashton.
After hesitating, he sat down in the seat. The three other boys said their good mornings, and everything was going alright, until Ashton was laughing so hard, that he gripped Luke's knee in order to not fall over.
Luke liked the way that Ashton's hand was warm and comforting, but it made him feel more uncomfortable than pleased. Ashton made Luke sad. But frankly, it wasn't even Ashton's falut, nor was he even aware.
As a solution, Luke shifted around until Ashton got the clue, and finally moved his hand. For the rest of the morning, Ashton stopped giving Luke reassuring smiles.
~
For most of the day, both boys had remained silent, earning questions from Michael and Calum. It wasn't out. of character for Luke, but it was for Ashton. The boy who was normally chirpy and giggly, had resulted in being dull.
All four boys were sitting on the couch watching some show that no one was actually paying attention to. Out of the blue, Luke felt his phone vibrate in his pocket.
Meet me at the park, I wanna talk.
Ashton
Looking up, Luke noticed that Ashton had left some time ago, his seat unoccupied.
So Luke did exactly what Ashton's text had said to do. After excusing himself to go on a walk to 'clear his head', he was out the door.
Assuming that Ashton was already at the park (where else would he of disappeared to?), Luke walked quickly, not wanting to keep him waiting.
When he got there, Ashton was sitting near the water, his arms on opposite sides of his legs. He didn't seem to notice Luke, until he sat down beside him, making Ashton jump.
"So you showed up." Ashton stated.
"Why else would I be here?"
"Haha."
"It wasn't a joke."
"Oh."
Ashton snuck a quick glance at Luke. He was staring at the ravishing pink and orange sunset, making his face glow. Ashton wouldn't admit it, but in that moment, just for a second, he couldn't think of anyone more attractive than Luke.
"So.. anyways, you wanted to talk to me?"
"I-I did?" Ashton felt his cheeks turn pink, because he knew that Luke had caught him staring.
Luke let out a chuckle. "Isn't that why you invited me to the park?"
"Oh." Ashton giggled. "Yeah. I just wanted to ask how you were.. I mean, you seem pretty down, lately. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Ashton." Again with the 'fine'.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Go ahead."
"Are you depressed because you're gay? I-I mean, are you scared of people judging you? Not that you should, because you're a great person Luke, gay or not."
Luke didn't know what to say. "Ashton - it-it's not that easy."
"What do you mean?"
No one spoke.
"Can I ask you something now, Ash?" Luke spoke, just above a whisper.
Ashton nodded quickly. "You can ask me anything."
"Do you know what it's like to love someone who'll never love you back?"
Ashton was taken aback by Luke's question. But nonetheless, he thought about it, long and hard.
"No really. I mean, there was Meghan, captain of the cheerleading team, when I was 16. But I wouldn't all that love."
Luke cocked his head to the side.
"To answer your question, no. I don't really. Do you?"
"Kinda."
Luke looked down, slightly embarassed.
"Lukey, are you hiding something?"
No answer.
"Luke. You can tell me anything, I mean it."
Luke looked up. "Actually, there is one thing..."
"What is it?"
"It's...you.'
"I don't get it.. what do you mean? Am I a problem? Do you hate me? Are you kicking me out of the band?!"
"No, it's not like that, Ash."
"Then what is it?"
"Ashton, I-" Luke couldn't seem to get the words out. "I-uh- ever since you joined the band, I've known that there was something special about you. You just made me feel so happy. I was in a tough situation, back then. And that tough situation's returned, and it's loosely based around my feelings for you. A-and I'm not asking you to date me, because I know you'll say no. I just wanted to tell you.. because I don't want to be here anymore."
Those last words meant something different, than what Ashton interoperated them to mean. He didn't mean 'here' as the park; he meant 'here' as in the world.
Ashton didn't know what to say. He wasn't expecting that at all. He didn't want to say he loved him like that - because he didn't. But he also didn't want to tell Luke he wasn't interested. Because deep down, Ashton knew that he was kind of interested. Just a tiny, tiny bit. But it wasn't enough for him to say yes.
And now, Ashton felt so extremely guilty for 'leading Luke on'. All of those times he'd cuddled, held hands with, or made comments, had actually meant something to Luke.
"Oh Luke."
Ashton sounded like a mom, one of those extremely protective one's, who didn't know what to say after their kid had been caught sneaking out. But he didn't mean for it to sound that way; he wasn't disappointed in Luke, at all.
"I know it's stupid. I just can't help it - you're so perfect. I'm so confused, I don't wanna feel like this. You probably hate me now." Luke turned around to leave, and let out a sob.
He hadn't expected Ashton to like him back, it's just that at the exact moment, he was faced with the cold, hard reality of the opposite.
"Please don't cry, Luke. I-I don't hate you. I-" Ashton paused for a moment. "I'm just confused."
_______
omg. this chapter was honestly so hard to write. i wrote about a paragraph a night, because i couldn't think of what to write. but i hope it met the standards..
please comment, and vote! i love y'all bunches for reading my story.