Helloooo, so here we go next chapter and all that! Things are getting tense aren't they?
This is set 3 months later on from the previous chapter. In this chapter there is a certain surprise for a special supporter of mine...
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Nathan's POV
"Hey Lexi." I announced when I walked into the room then sat myself down on a chair, pulled up a table and laid out my things. I couldn't even remember how long she'd been in hospital for, it felt like a lifetime to me, I couldn't wait to see the back of this hospital. Her health hadn't deteriorated since she was admitted, her heartbeat had picked up a little bit which the doctors said was a very good sign that her body is recovering and should begin to come out of the coma. However her heartbeat picked up one month ago and she hasn't shown any sign of improvement ever since. But her stitches have helped heal up the cuts on her abdomen but they said she'll have some pretty big scars for all of her life. That made me annoyed because I wanted to erase any memories of Alex and I knew her seeing those scars would just remind her of him every day. Her ribs are also healing nicely, as are her other cuts and bruises which I'm happy about because seeing her all beaten up was heartbreaking. Although I wanted her to wake up already, part of me wanted her to wake up after she had healed so it wasn't so much of a shock.
I still see her everyday but now instead of sitting there and talking about nothing, I now bring my notepad and phone and start planning out Two Shoes. Sometimes I make business calls which is alien to me, sometimes I'll sit and talk to her and other times I just sit and think which I try not to do too often because it just makes me sad. I must say, it's coming along nicely and starting to take shape. I have told the fans already and from what I can tell, they are really proud of me for taking positive steps. Sometimes I'll log on and see messages from people who are suffering saying that it will help them so much and I feel so happy that I can be a cause of relief for some people. I talk to Lexi about it and I'd like to think that she would be proud of what I am doing...
The boys are doing well. Siva has done some catwalk shows, he took part in London fashion week for a smallish brand and then some of the big brands decided they wanted him and he's started to make quite an impact in the fashion world which me and the boys are proud of. Max landed himself an acting job in a big movie, it isn't the biggest role he could have gotten but he said he wanted to start small, especially if he needed to come and see me if I was struggling with the whole thing. Tom has DJed in some quite big places, he produced, wrote and released a song which features his DJing which went to number one. As a result, he was invited into the studio with Ellie Goulding because she thought his skills were insane. Jay is now a new presenter for Capital radio and from what the radio station has observed, he is slowly becoming one of the most popular and loved presenters they've had, he is also working on getting a job in TV.
It's not like they've abandoned me or anything, they always try to make sure at least one of the boys or their girlfriends is with me although lately I've been left to my own devices a little bit. Also, I know that if I told them I needed them then they'd be down as soon as they could but I'd never ask them to do that, I want them to succeed as much as they want themselves to do so.
There have been times that I've had low moments, when it all becomes a little bit too much and I feel the need to take things out on myself. I've only cut once since the whole ordeal and that was this morning... The boys aren't around and I can slowly feel myself slipping back into depression. I know that I could stop myself now but I don't want to. Lexi isn't getting better so it's hardly fair that I get better. Technically I am doing well, if I was to allow myself to take out all my anger and frustration then I'd probably be dead right now so I am holding myself back primarily because I need to live to see Lexi and I know she'd be disappointed in me cutting since she never did.
I have been going to see a therapist every week but it's never done me much good, they just make me feel small and pointless which isn't fun. I do need to get better for Lexi though...
"Mr Sykes!" A nurse shouted. I hadn't even noticed that they'd come in because I was so engrossed in my thoughts. I imagined that they'd been saying my name for quite a while now since they generally don't shout. The nurses here were great generally and seemed understanding which was comforting when I was sobbing by Lexi's bed, it was nice to know it wasn't new to them and that they could handle the situation.
"So...?" She asked, while a small smile creeping across her face. I'd seen her quite a lot since I'd been here, I think I know the entire nursing staff, Mariam her name was. I liked Mariam, she was one of the sweetest nurses in the hospital and she paid the most attention to me as a person rather than a patient's lovesick boyfriend.
"So what?" I asked, I didn't know what she was talking about.
"Lexi's heartbeat picked up a little bit more last night, it's not far off a normal resting heart rate!" She exclaimed, it had become evident that nurses and doctors are almost as happy as friends and families when their patients made progress.
"Really?" I exclaimed, a smile appeared on my face. Lexi was getting better!
"You really aren't switched on today, are you? I thought you'd have noticed." She commented, it was true. I had a routine, I'd always check her heart monitor and note it down on the calender I had brought in and pinned to her notice board. Today I had neglected that though. I knew why, my mum said that when I get depressed it's like I'm in my own little bubble and I could just sit somewhere and think of self destructive things for hours and I'd be convinced that I'd only been there for a few minutes. I hadn't realised things had gotten so bad so quickly.
"Sorry... I'm a bit caught up in my head at the moment." I admitted, reflexively I looked down at my wrists which caused Mariam to as well.
"Nathan!" She scolded me once she noticed the fresh cut. She had a look of disappointment spread across her face, I suppose she was just as fond of me as I was of her.
"I'm sorry! It was a moment of weakness! It won't happen again!" I lied. I imagined it would happen again since I didn't really plan on stopping myself.
"How many times have you promised that to someone? How many times have you lied? You've got to fight it Nathan! It's like if someone grabs your wrist: if you fight it then you can get away, if you let them take it then they're going to drag you down. You need to focus on Lexi and your depression is a distraction that you really don't need right now!" I hadn't expected her to say that.
"You have no right to tell me what to do!" I snapped. Why couldn't people just leave me be?
"Nathan we all care about you! You need to get better!" She said kindly, I really do like Mariam, she's nice and all but I really didn't see what it had to do with her.
"I know..." I admitted, I knew what I was doing was stupid and wrong, I just didn't want to do anything about it.
"Please just... Think about everyone else." She said softly before she left and gave me some time alone with Lexi. I went back to focusing on Lexi and leaned forwards so that I could rest my elbows on the end of her bed. I let out a large, tired sigh before beginning to speak without really knowing what I was saying.
"Hi Lexi. It's me again. It's been three months, I've been patient, isn't it time that you wake up already? I love you so much, I'm losing it without you by my side. I need you, I need you more than anything in this world. You... You mean so much to me and you're such a big part of my life. I've not given up on you, you know that. It's safe out here if that's what you're worried about, Alex is gone, he's dead and I'll personally make sure that no one will ever hurt you again, I promise. Please wake up, th-they keep saying that you might not wake up and I don't want to believe them but it's been so long. Please wake up Lexi, I need y-you, I-I love you."
By the end of my speech, I suppose you could call it that, I had taken her hand it mine which was much easier to do than previously since there were less bandages and less tubes. The tears were streaming down my face as I poured my heart out to her. I felt so hopeless and stupid, I could almost feel the hope being drained out of me, she was never going to wake up... It wasn't long before I leaned my head on the bed as the sobs rippled through my body.
I almost didn't notice...
"Lexi? Lexi! Did I imagine that? O-oh my God, what do I do?" I stammered, suddenly I remembered and shakily found my way over to the other side of the bed and pressed the button to alert the nurses. Everything was a blur, had that really happened? I wasn't sure if I was just having a fantasy due to sleep deprivation, hunger and blood loss. However, at the time my thoughts were clouded with hope and there was little doubt in my mind.
"Thank you Lexi, you don't know how much I needed that." I whispered into her ear before placing my lips onto her forehead. How I longed to hold her in my arms properly again, to feel her heart rate pick up when I kissed her and make her laugh again... I reluctantly pulled away, turned around, saw the heart monitor and my heart felt like it could burst with joy when I saw that it had picked up ever so slightly.
"Yes Nathan?" Mariam asked, walking into the room and looking confusedly at me as I beamed at her. It seemed so strange that I was so happy and she was so oblivious. It's like when you're really sad and feel like you can't go on and then you see so many people going on with their lives and you can't understand why they don't feel like you do.
"It's Lexi. Her heart rate picked up and I-I was holding her hand and her fingers moved. Her fingers moved!"
YAY! OMG something happy happened in my fanfic for once! Isn't that unusual?!
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