I was laying on my cot, my back facing the door, when it happened. Carl crept in and laid next to me, wrapping an arm around my waist. I knew it was him from the feeling of his body against mine. Too gentle to be Trinity. I wanted so badly to shove him off the bed. To tell him it was too late for that and call him out for being such a horrible boyfriend. Yet at the same time, I wanted to lay there and cry for his loss. The loss that had also been my loss. I also wanted to cry out of hatred for the walkers, because without them my mom would be with me and Carl would be safe and happy with his parents.
But Judith wouldn't be alive. And I wouldn't have met Carl. Was I really selfish enough to think those thoughts?
So I cried. I laid there with Carl's face in my hair and cried for all of the life and death I'd seen. For how much I'd hated every second of this, but loved it too. And despite how cheesy all of this sounds, I also cried because I missed Mojo.
Most people would call it a break down and, in this case, I'd have to agree with most people. Carl didn't stroke my hair or whisper calming things to me, he just let me cry, In fact, I think he cried at one point as well.
When I'd finished crying, I whispered, "We're a couple of hot messes," as I turned to lay on my back. Carl nodded, still holding me around my waist.
I must've dozed off, because I awoke sometime later to find Carl was still holding me, very much awake. I looked over at him and he kissed my cheek before taking a deep breath.
"I'm sorry. That wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault but the walkers' and maybe my dad's. I love you. You were right, I can keep living, just like before. I'll try to be thankful for what I have and if I'm mean to you, just remember I'm not really mad at you. I'm angry with death for taking people away and angry at life for putting them here in the first place," he told me. His voice cracked multiple times, but it was still perfect. And he said he loved me. I always expected that when someone told me they loved me for the first time, I'd feel conflicted about it. I didn't, though.
"I love you, too" I whispered. I wanted him to know that because it was so true. He kissed my cheek again and I turned towards him, curling up in a ball.
"What makes everything even worse is that he was finally happy again. He wanted to live now and I was starting to enjoy his company again. I just keep thinking that. I miss him so much already," he told me, looking into my eyes with his sad ones,"but I knew I couldn't push you away just because my dad's gone. He liked you."
"He sure didn't act like it," I said with a smile. I wanted to be strong for Carl. He smiled a little and nodded.
"He didn't act like it, but he did. He just didn't know how to show it. He was still pretty screwed up," he explained. I nodded in agreement and Carl continued to talk about his dad, stories like the time when he'd let Carl drive the cop car out in a field. Lori had somehow found out and had been 'so mad' but Rick managed to get her to laugh about it.
After a long time of listening to Carl's stories and thoughts about Rick, we got up to eat. Carl hadn't eaten since before the cave, which I definitely did not approve of. We walked slowly out to the kitchen, where there was a box of macaroni and cheese with a note that simply said "Love, Daryl" I made the box for Carl and I, though he ate most of it. We also split a can of green beans. I'd always liked vegetables but I was beginning to like them more and more as the years went by. Canned vegetables were kind of a way of life now.
About halfway through our green beans, Beth came in with Judith. Beth smiled sadly and handed Judith over to me.
"She was up all night. I didn't want to just leave her crying so I stayed up all night. I'm going to get some rest as long as y'all are alright with that," Beth practically begged. I nodded and bounced Judith on my leg.
"Well hello Miss America!" I exclaimed to Judith as Beth left. Judith giggled a little but seemed shy. I turned her to look at her brother and asked,"Now who do you think that is?" I asked, bouncing her on my knees. "Is that Carl? Yeah?" she laughed when I mentioned Carl's name in such a high-pitched and excited voice. Judith began to look like she might cry after a bit, so I got up and danced around, taking a bite of green beans once in a while. I gave her a few tiny bites to keep her occupied, which she seemed to enjoy.
"How old is she now?" I asked Carl, still dancing around with Judith.
Carl paused to think before saying,"She must be getting close to 14 months now,"
I frowned."And she's not walking yet?" I asked. That was concerning.
Carl laughed. "Oh, she walks. Beth just prefers to carry her to keep track of her. She's fast and Beth doesn't want to be chasing her around." I grinned and set her on the ground. She didn't fall, and in fact started running towards Carl.
"Car! Car Car Car Car!" she squealed, grabbing at his legs. He smiled and set her on his lap.
"That's Nikki," he said, pointing at me,"Can you say Nikki?" she shook her head and smiled shyly, sliding down against Carl's chest. I pretended to cry and Judith looked mortified.
I stopped my sobbing to say,"It's okay. I'll get you to like me someday!" She smiled again and Carl smiled as well. It made me feel good to see him smile. I knew the next few months would be rough, but maybe Judith could help speed up the grieving process.
We played with Judith for hours, trying to get her to say things and letting her run and explore. She seemed to be having a blast, but I could understand why Beth carried her. She wore me out. Carl, who was still weak from getting little sleep or food, had to take a nap when Judith did. I went to my cell and checked my clock. It was 2 pm, which meant they should be woken at around 5.
I wandered about, the sadness setting in again now that I was alone once more. I walked out to the fence where Trinity was killing walkers along with Nat and Carol. I grabbed the last pole with an attached knife and joined them. Trinity and Carol were busy talking about dinner (I guessed they were going to start making meals again), which left Nat and I to talk.
"I saw you and Carl were all perfect couple again. Taking care of Judith and all," she didn't say it bitterly, but she sounded kind of jealous. I smiled a little at her and continued working.
"Y'all just remember to use protection," she said, staring out the fence and trying not to smile as she stabbed yet another walker.
"Yeah I'll do that," I noted, then added "Jesus, you sound just like Daryl."
"Which one's he?"
"He's the one with the crossbow and anger issues," I informed her, moving along to another group of walkers.
"Hell yeah! I knew I was badass!" she triumphed, pumping her unoccupied fist. I glanced at her perfectly ripped jeans and hoodie which read, "Shit fuck, you're outta luck".
"Sure you are," I said sarcastically, turning back to the task at hand.
She rolled her eyes and said,"Whatever. You're just jealous of my badassery,"
I smiled a little and continued working, listening when she began to sing. She sang Paradise. By Coldplay.
"You like Coldplay?" I asked, surprised. She seemed like the type to only like pop songs and maybe some heavy metal or something.
"Yes, I love them!" she squeaked,"Do you like them too? Who else do you like? This is so exciting!"
We discovered we had quite a bit in common, though she swore much more often than I did. Trinity kept glancing over with a disapproving look when Nat swore, but the look eventually grew to be amused. It seemed like Nat could win anyone over.
After about an hour and a half, my arms were burning and Nat had trotted away indoors. Carol asked me to take guard duty, which I gladly agreed to.
I stared out at the gates, hoping nothing interesting would happen. Interesting things seen from the guard tower were never a good thing. I spun in my chair a bit, singing an old Coldplay song I remembered, along with some OneRepublic and Of Monsters and Men. I grew tired and resorted to trying to find a comfortable position to entertain myself.
I was laying on my back with my feet out to either side on one of the rolling chairs when Carl came in. I awkwardly shifted back to a normal sitting position while he smirked at me. He sat down beside me on the other rolling chair and was about to read when I told him to wait a minute. I dragged his chair so it was like a couch and lounged out on it. Carl hopped on next to me, his left leg on top of my right leg.
While he read in his narrator voice, I wrapped my ankle around his and rested my face on his chest, longing to be closer. He blushed and continued to read flawlessly. When he finished the chapter, he set the book on the ground. I turned over on my left side and he did the same, consuming me in his warmth.
I was close to dozing off when he said,"I miss him so much," with a choked voice. I turned to Carl with much effort, as we were somewhat cramped, and hugged him tightly. I rested my face against his chest and listened to his heart which was beating much more quickly than normal as he tried to hide his tears.
"You can cry. It's okay," I comforted him, looking up to his face.
"I don't want to. I want to be strong not pathetic," he told me, his sadness shifting moderately into anger.
"It's not pathetic to cry. A lot of times the strongest people are the ones who cry the most," I told him, tears coming to my own eyes due to his sudden lash out.
He nodded."Right, sorry," he apologized quietly,"Can I kiss you?"
That caught me further off guard than his anger. Honestly, how random could he be?
"I-I.. Um... Yes?"
"Well, yes or no?" he asked with a slight smile.
I pressed my lips to his in response, uncomfortably shifting myself upwards to level my face with his. He kissed hard, and before I knew it his tongue was in my mouth. It's not that I didn't enjoy it, but he was moving a little too fast for my liking. I pushed the thoughts away. I wanted him to know someone was here for him.
He gradually shifted so he was above me, kissing me softer now, but practically pinning my hands above my head. I attempted to bring my arms back down and he let go of them, pulling away.
"Sorry, I lost track of what I was doing," he said with a blush and a little smile. I couldn't help but find his awkwardness charming and adorable. He sat back on one of the chairs, only to tug on my arm to get me to sit up. Now we were each on a chair. I was sitting with my knees pulled up to my chest while he had his feet on the floor, studying my face.
I looked down, embarrassed. I was so weird and awkward! Why couldn't I keep eye contact? He came over and knelt in front of me, taking my hand and forcing me to look at him.
"You are so beautiful," he told me. This time, he smiled rather than blushing and looking away. I grinned shyly at him.
"You're not so bad yourself," I got myself to say. He laughed and stood, pulling me to stand as well. I gazed up at his eyes, wishing we could have a picture of this moment that seemed right out of a romance movie. Not everything leading to this moment, just now, with me in his arms, staring up at him.
Then he went back to kissing me, airily now, before pushing me up against the wall and sending chills down my spine. Whether they were chills of warning or excitement I didn't care. His soft lips on mine were enough to make my mind swirl. I entangled my hands in his hair and he began to pull up on my shirt.
"Carl don't" I whispered, breaking myself from him.
"Shh," he told me, putting his lips on mine again and nearly succeeding in tugging off my shirt as I squirmed.
"Carl," I gasped for air, completely surprised by the way he was acting,"I said don't," I flared, shoving him away from me. He stood there, bewildered, as hot tears burned my eyes. I looked away from him, tugging my shirt back down.
"I'm so sorry, I don't know what I'm doing. I just- I don't know why I did that. I'm sorry," he said, his voice panicked. He came closer to me to hug me.
"Don't," I said once more, forcing myself to look at him again. He nodded in acceptance and crashed down into one of the chairs, covering his face with his hands. His breathing hitched and he tried holding his breath to keep it from happening again.
He just lost his dad. His conscience probably hadn't been very clear and he'd just given in to his own urges or something like that. I took a few steps closer before sitting next to him.
"I'm sorry," he said again before biting down on his arm to keep from crying.
"Carl, stop," I said, taking his arm away from his mouth. He'd already managed to break the skin in the few seconds of biting.
I inched back to the wall and rested my head back, watching Carl and wondering why life had to be so screwed up.
~Author's Note~
Not really sure where I was going with that. Was the make-out scene too long? Do you like how Carl's acting all crazy with grief? Remind you of someone? 0.0
Ergh I don't like this chapter. </3
The picture over on the side is kind of how Carl and Nikki were sitting in the guard tower, but obviously the chairs were bigger because they fit sitting next to each other.
GUYS WE BROKE 20,000 READS AND 600 VOTES I LOVE YOU AND AM SO THANKFUL FOR YOU <3 I'm eating jelly beans to celebrate and guess what... NONE FOR YOU! AHAHAHAHAHA
OH LORD I JUST GOT ONE OF THOSE NASTY PEPPERMINT JELLY BEANS WHY DO THOSE EXIST?
OK so I try to keep Nikki different than me, so I just wanted to note that I HAVE LOVED COLDPLAY FOR A LONG TIME AND THEY HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART. THEY ARE MY FAVORITE BAND.
As always, please let me know about any mistakes. Usually I fix them. (For example)
It just occurred to me while writing this chapter that the timelline doesn't really work. But shh, we'll pretend it does because I'm too lazy to fix it. Anyway, thank you again for being so kind to me and taking the time to read my story and such. It really means a lot.
Love, your homeskillet