Prologue
She padded silently through the lonely streets of London on her bare feet. She knew it was coming, and that there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. Apart from saving her beloved daughter first.
Chapter One
I woke with a sigh. Another day was upon me. Another whole day of wonder. Wondering what it would have been like to have known her. To have loved her. To have spent Christmas' and birthdays with her. To have been a part of her life. But destiny decided that could nor would ever happen. And that's what my life was doomed to be. A never ending pit of helpless wonder. Forever.
I am a shy person, who has lived their whole life in fear of the times which are foreign, unknown, because it is those times that you really gain perspective – you can look at your life from a different point of view. So there I was, standing by the front door, anxiously nibbling my finger nails, about to embark on one of these unpleasant experiences.
Other people thrive in unfamiliar situations; make the most of new and exciting opportunities. I just feel uncomfortable, like I’m not really supposed to be in the picture. I’ve always felt like an outsider, right from the day that I was forced to interact with others my age all those years ago. Now it was coming back round. I could imagine it now – people would say ‘how are you?’ and ‘what have you been up to?’, and I would reply ‘fine, thanks’ and ‘not much’ with as much fake enthusiasm as I could stand. I preferred much my own company to that of my peers. I always have. I am an only child with no company and my only family is my adoptive father. I’ve always felt like there was no-one I could relate to, that I could talk to, within my family. I hardly even had a family. For this, I’ve always had to sort myself out, constantly battling with my better and worse parts, with my conscience the only one to guide me. After a while, I got used to the loneliness. It was my only friend for quite some time. All my life, I’ve felt miserable, because I never had a mother to support me.
Stop being pathetic, I thought. I edged the door open – still not quite sure whether I was ready to face normality, despite what I might try and tell myself, again, after weeks of being cooped up in a house with a man who didn’t pay much attention to me, and a single obsessive thought creeping up and leeching off me at every given opportunity.
I dragged my feet along the sodden grass, making my way. My feet squelched as they left gaping holes. When I eventually arrived, it was nothing like I expected. I suppose everyone had enough of the dreary weather which had somewhat ruined their summer holidays. Or they were just so happy about being back at school.
I darted in between various people until I reached the massive oak tree that is core in our school logo, and trained my eyes on Jess waiting for me in our usual spot.
***
I walked quickly to school, not wasting time. When I got to the field and saw Jess, I was OK. At least I would be too preoccupied chattering away to my best friend to think, to wonder, about my Mother.
"Hey, Cass. Mrs Little is on the warpath again. Apparently some kide decided to nick her sheets for our lesson and well, the culprit's remained anonymous. Has she taken in our books? I haven't got mine." The conversation continued in this rushed, chatty manner for several minutes, until she noticed my saddened mood.
"Ur, Cass, are you OK?" she said quickly, still remaining ever subtle about the sensitive case of my absent Mum. Now I am thinking about her again. Once I start imagining, I usually can't stop. It's the only connection I have left with her, and I hang onto it with everything in my power.
I'd always imagined her with my green eyes and brown curly hair, but I expect that she is much prettier. Hah. I bet there isn't a person alive that is possibly uglier than me. In fact, I bet that there isn't a person prettier in the entire world than my Mother.
"So yeah, she is basically going to make us do textbook work..." Jess' tone turner softer and calmer," Oh, Cass, I wanted t..." she started. We were then interrupted by the bell for registration. I walked quietly and briskly to our classroom, not wanting to have to stop and think about her again. To think about the things that weren't, and never will be.
"Hello, Cassidy." said Ron, my next-door neighbour in our form's seating plan. Our form tutor, Ms. Mills, hushed everyone for the register.
"Hi" I whispered back. He had never really talked to me before. He keeps to himself, like his twin sister, Kayliegh, who was in our form too. They had moved here half way through year seven at Oaks High, and have been outsiders ever since. I had no clue why he had decided to talk to me. I could hear the teacher’s muffled voice calling out the register, and decided to listen for my name.
"Darrel?"
"Yes, miss"
"Cassy Smythe?"
"Here, miss" I replied, without even a hint of sadness. After all, practice makes perfect.
"Yo, Jess! Me and my mates are going bunking. Want to come with us?" yelled Tana Banks, one of the 'popular crowd', shall we say. Jess started to walk towards her.
"Jess? Why would..." I stopped myself before I embarrassed myself. After all, everyone left me in the end.
"Cassy? Are you OK with this?" Jess said, sceptically. I nodded my head in response, not able to produce a sound for fear it would give me away. She raised one eyebrow in suspicion, then casually strolled over to Tana and her crew. The shock drove me to silence. I never thought that... oh well. Best not dwell on the past. I knew that already, from previous experience.
My school day went by like a blur. It's not true, what they say, 'time goes by quickly when you're having fun', because time went fast for me anyway, regardless of the fun I wasn't having. Don't get me wrong, I tried hard at school, but as hard as I could I felt sort of...empty without Jess there to pre-occupy me. I had time to concentrate on deeper thoughts, which I usually try and avoid. When I'm with Jess this job is usually forgotten, or at the very least easier and very hazy. The thoughts were recurring ones, of my mother. I never seemed to be able to banish them from my mind. I was always conscious of those thoughts following me day and night and the curiosity gnawing at my mind; How I'd never discover who my mother was. Which I was pretty much certain was never going to happen, despite my hopes and dreams.
"Are you coming tonight? It's gonna be a blast." asked Jess, in afternoon registration, when she decided to eventually come back to school. She was talking about the event of the year which everyone, even Ron, was invited to; Tana Banks' fifteenth birthday party. Was she blind? Seriously, I didn't want anything to do with Tana and her crowd. I couldn't believe Jess was actually starting to like her. My best friend. My heart panged; I was so used to being left and yet I thought Jess was different. I guess once more I was wrong.
"Umm, where is it?" I said, pretending to look interested at the same time as hoping that I wouldn't be dragged into it.
"Probably at her Mum's house. That place is massive."
"Maybe... I've got to...do my homework tonight. Sorry." I mumbled. Jess knew how much I hated parties, I knew how much I hated Tana.
"Come on, Cass! It's on at seven, I'm sure you'll have time to do your homework before then, or at the weekend. Where's your Friday spirit?" She said, and even though I hated parties, and Tana, I had to admit, that was a pretty convincing argument.
"Oh, alright then." I said, dreading it already.
"Yay! Hey, you could come to mine and we could get ready together!" She exclaimed.
"Sure, I've just got to call Brian and go pick up my clothes." When was she going to realise that Tana just wasn't any good?
***
It went straight voicemail. That was typical of Brian, never really having his phone on. He should really, what with all his important contacts. My adoptive father just wasn't very organised. After last bell rang, I walked to his house. I'm really supposed to call it 'home' but it doesn't feel right at all. It doesn't feel like a home should. My home should be filled with happy memories. Marks on the wall as I grew, stains on the furniture where I drew on them. It doesn't looked lived in at all. It doesn't look like a family has lived there. Well, I'll tell you, my home would have my mum in it.
I left a note by the front door;
Brian
I left a message for you on your phone, but it wasn't on so
I'm you know that I'm going over to Jess' house today. I
hope that's OK.
Cassidy x
P.S. Could you pick me up after this party? It's Tana's, it'll be at her Mum's house and it starts at seven.
I hoped that would be enough for him not to worry. He was very overprotective of me, enough for me to convince him to buy me the latest in mobile phone technology. He bought it for me after my thirteenth birthday, claiming that it was his belated present for me. I wonder what Mum would have gotten me? Some clothes, perhaps? Up until that birthday, Brian always used to shop for me. Although he never bought me anything hideous, like pink frocks or dinky party shoes, he never bought anything nice. It was all baggy jumpers and jogging bottoms. This was until Nicky, Jess' mum, decided to take Jess and I shopping. Then I got a complete makeover, tips on fashion, hairstyles, even makeup. Nicky had said that 'I needed a motherly touch in my life'. Then Jess shushed her, and I went silent. So all of that had been because they had felt sorry for me, not because they actually wanted to take me shopping. Anything anyone ever did for me always seemed to be because they felt sorry for me not having a mother.
Maybe she would've got me those pictures I'd always wanted to hang proudly in my room, by my favourite artist. But all I have ever wanted was for her to be there with me. Just mother and daughter. That would've been enough and more. Despite the phone and various other presents I have received over the years from my semi-rich adoptive father, that would have been the best Birthday present anyone could have ever given me.
When I was little - when people would ask - I always used to say that I have a mother and I didn't know what they were talking about. It may have been true, it's just that she wasn't there with me. When I was little I always used to think that my mother would come bursting in our door and claim me and then we would ride into the sunset, together forever. I also used to believe in tooth fairies and monsters under my bed. But I am too old to believe that stuff now, so I have stopped.
I grabbed some old clothes from my wardrobe and started making my way to Jess'. About half-way there, I remembered that I had forgotten to get some shoes to go with my outfit. I decided that it was too late to go back now, and that my school pumps would have to do.
"Hey, Cass!" yelled Jess, with her hair in curlers. I couldn't help but grin at her, she looked like an old lady, not a fourteen year old girl. I jogged the remainder of my journey to her house, and then followed her inside.
I've always loved Jess' home. The inside of it was decorated in such a way that you couldn't help but stare at it, imagining what it would be like if you lived there. You see, Nicky was an interior designer, so the whole family worked with her in her quest to create their dream home. It had eight rooms in all and, I know it sounds kind of weird, my favourite was Jess'. Hers was so light, open and sophisticated that made me jealous. My room in Brian's house has always been pink and girly for as long as I can remember. I kept begging him to let me buy a few cushions, some curtains and re-paint the walls but he wouldn't let me. He'd said that my room would remind me of memories of my mother and that those memories were good ones, so why would I want to take them away? He and I both know that it was really unfair to use my mother in an argument and that whoever did always won. So I'm stuck with girly pink frills and Jess gets a warm brown room, with a massive double bed in the centre.
I trailed after Jess up into her amazing bedroom and sat on the bed while she discussed what my hairstyle should be.
"I was thinking that it would look gorgeous if we straightened it. How about it?"
I wasn't really listening to her. I was concentrating on the picture on her bedside table. It was of her and her mother. How I longed that I could have pictures like that. How I longed for the memories. How I wished that she hadn't given me away and that she was here with me. But she wasn't.
Why couldn't I have a picture like that? A connection with her, the one who loved me once, as I like to think she did. I can imagine what it would be; my... tenth birthday and me in my fairy princess tutu. She would come up to me and envelope me in the warmest of embraces. I would smell her familiar perfume; it would smell of home. I would be eating her home-made birthday cake with teddy bears on the icing and piped bright yellow letters, reading: 'Happy Birthday to my little Princess!'. It would have jam and butter-cream icing in the middle and I would have it smeared all round my face. I would take a great big piece, and only eat half, but Mum wouldn't mind. She would smile her warming smile and brush the crumbs off my dress. We would dance around in the garden without a care in the world and sing along to her Walkman to all her favourite songs. The day would end and she would tuck me into bed singing my favourite lullaby. She would wish me 'Sweet dreams' and stay with me until I was dreaming of fairies and castles and all things childish. She would, if she had been there. I shed a single, glistening tear.
"Cass?" asked Jess. All I could really manage to say in my emotional state was
"OK". So we both got changed into our outfits and Jess started on my make-up.
"Cassidy, there's something I want to talk to you about. Well, recently, you've been acting kind of strange and, frankly, I'm worried about you. I want to help, it's just..." she said, looking at me in her mirror. I knew what she meant; I needed help. I also knew that she was right.