II. And Say Goodbye
Leanna dug her toes into the damp earth, comforted by cold blades of grass that tickled underfoot. The scent of decaying leaves and moisture filled her nose as she hauled in a lengthy breath and let her head fall back. Though hours of endless walking back and forth across the wire had passed, night still ruled the skies. Persuaded by Ellie, they now sat in the cookhouse, which to Leanna's surprise was not a house at all, rather another tent. More surprisingly still, no one was cooking, much less eating.
Instead, performers congregated around long tables, some on seats while others favored the wooden tabletops. Regardless of their manners—or lack thereof— Leanna found them all so very elegant, each one possessing a sliver of Finvarra's timelessness and glow. Proprieties lost somewhere behind the crystals surrounding the circus, there were no classes or stations like the type that plagued Winter Abbey. Here under the white canvas, ragged help-hands sat side by side with glittering performers, contortionists beside clowns. And in the midst of it all, a stranger: Leanna.
Leanna's mind still whirled with names she feared she'd never remember, with tales of prior performances and humorous accounts. It'd been such a long time since she had laughed so unreservedly that she felt a bit lightheaded.
The world now a different place, Leanna sat unfazed by the small fire dragon cradling her cup of tea. She stroked the leathery skin, awed by the darker flames beneath each rustled scale. The baby dragon had been a present from the fire breather who had introduced himself first. Not all had been so pleasant, however, namely the liberty act who glared from across the tent, wholly uncomfortable with Leanna's presence. It affected Leanna very little though. She had, after all, called them ordinary men, and their horses silly. There was no doubt in her mind now that they had in fact heard her.
In spite of them, Leanna leaned forward onto her elbows and pinned her gaze on the Big Top. Taking in the black and red stripes, she sighed. "This all seems like a dream. I believed there was magic, but... never this."
"It's one thing to say you believe in magic. It's another to truly believe," Ellie said smiling down at Leanna from the tabletop where she sat with her legs gathered beneath her. Her feathery tutu made it seem as if she sat on a cloud.
Leanna shrugged. "Still, had Finvarra not threatened to feed me to the lion, I never would have experienced this, or met all of you, and never would I have imagined walking across that wire, much less alone!" She chuckled weakly. "I'm almost tempted to forgive him."
At this, Kioyo keeled over onto the table. His hairy frame—much furrier than earlier in the night—hobbled as he laughed manically. "Is that how he got you to stay? He threatened you with the lion? No wonder you were so frightened!"
"I hardly find that comical," Leanna huffed from beside him, twirling one of the baby dragon's fiery whiskers around her finger. The flames nipped at her finger, but against the cold of the night, Leanna welcomed the warmth.
"We're not laughing at you," Jin clarified over the table through his own amusement. He added curiously, "Have you ever seen Kia?"
Leanna paused. "Kia?"
"The lion," Ellie explained, slapping Jin's arm in feigned reprimand. "You have no need to fear him. He's a darling, sweet as a babe. Doesn't have much of an appetite, the poor thing."
"Why yes, I have seen Kia," Leanna said archly. "And how you can call him a darling baffles me. He is as big as he is scary! I hardly consider sweet the appropriate word. Terrifying, perhaps? He'd have no problem eating little me, appetite or not. I dare say he'll probably be hungry when he's done licking my bones!"
Kioyo and Jin exploded in laughter, and a sinking feeling settled in Leanna's stomach. Had she been fooled somehow? The little voice in her head whispered this, but well, Leanna was finding the voice in her head quite tiring.
Ellie sighed apologetically, a bashful pink washing over her face. "As fearsome as he may seem, Kia only fancies berries, grass, and perhaps a bit of ale on his down days. After learning Jin and I were leaving, he drank himself to sleep. So had Finvarra tossed you in his cage, the most Kia would have done was cuddle—if he even realized you were there. Like I said, he's a darling, absolutely harmless."
Anger scalded Leanna. She had been fooled! Her small hands gathered into quavering fists as the little voice in her head hackled to no end. She trembled feeling silly, embarrassed, exploited...exposed! "I was right! He is a beast of a man and I shouldn't trust him at all!"
Instead of sympathy, the group grew into a louder fit of laughter.
Leanna huffed. "How you've survived working under someone so cold and heartless simply evades me!"
Like a dying breeze, all laughter withered into a black, awkward silence. Everyone looked to the ground as if suddenly it were the greatest of fascinations.
Ellie slid from the tabletop and sat beside Leanna. "My brother may seem a little... rough and..."
"Arrogant," said Jin.
"Pompous," chimed Kioyo, with a grin.
"As if the lot of you are any better!" Ellie narrowed her eyes playfully at the laughing men. She turned back to Leanna and placed a hand above hers. "He may appear to be all of these things, and heartless as you say, but he isn't. This circus has been a haven for many that were shunned from their worlds. Had Finvarra not offered them shelter and work, who knows what would have become of them. Whatever you have heard of him , please don't pay it any mind, even if Finvarra himself claims it to be so. Remember, here of all places, not all things are as they appear, and I've never seen that apply to someone more than it does to my brother."
Leanna bit the inside of her lip. "Does this have something to do with Machina?" she asked awkwardly, unsure if she was pronouncing the name right. "I didn't mean to pry, but when I was waiting outside of Finvarra's tent, I couldn't help but overhear..."
"It has everything to do with her," Ellie revealed, pained. She shivered and her porcelain arms covered in goose bumps. Jin reached for Ellie's hands and gripped it reassuringly. Still, Ellie's pale pallor flushed over red, and her eyes gleamed with unshed tears. "Machina is a toxic error my brother drags through life, a never ending punishment that shadows his every step. Finvarra was blinded. She was beautiful, and he was a fool... But it is her evil that knows no bounds. She is the heartless one. That is why I must beg of you, Leanna, abandon all you have heard. Lives have been lost, and it pains me that those girls were victims in a vendetta they never should have been a part of. And while Finvarra's carelessness and conceit share in that blame, he is not the monster."
Leanna swallowed and rubbed her arms, Ellie's goose bumps suddenly contagious. "So the tales are true? Girls have indeed been killed?"
Though the rumors had made their rounds about Winter Abbey and all the surrounding lands, Leanna had held out a sliver of hope that they were just that: rumors. To hear it from Ellie's mouth banished all doubt and it was Leanna who now shivered. She looked out into the night, to the surrounding darkness behind the crystals. "And Machina, she still out there watching... searching?"
Ellie sighed defeated and pressed a hand to forehead. "Oh dear me, as always, I'm afraid I've said too much. You've just rid yourself of fear. The last I want is for it to come back with a vengeance with talk of Machina. She was a mistake and she is trouble I hope you never have to deal with. But you mustn't worry about her now." Ellie smiled weakly, but it never reached her eyes. The corners of her mouth quickly bowed, and she lowered her head. "You will learn of Machina when the time is right. For now, just remember that beneath Finvarra's cold exterior, there is indeed a heart... a very big one."
Remembering the feel of it, Leanna's fingers tingled and pink slowly mottled her face. "I know."
Ellie smiled broadly now, and Leanna lowered her face embarrassed at how transparent she truly was.
"Yes, well then," Ellie cleared her throat, patting Leanna's clasped hands. Kioyo and Jin shared a look of confusion.
Ellie rolled her eyes. "And like any of his gender, expect him to be oblivious to matters of the heart."
This confused the men even more. Leanna and Ellie shared a merry laugh, giggles of which she'd always heard her sisters share, but never with her. Was this what it was like to have a friend? Leanna wondered. It occurred to Leanna then that if so, this friend she had gained in one short night would be no more come that morning. A swift sadness claimed her smile, and Leanna's throat throbbed.
To keep from tears, she asked, "Where will you be going now that you are leaving? I heard you say Forever, and again, I didn't mean to peer, but where is it?"
Ellie smiled, but her blue eyes shaded in longing and fatigue. "Forever is a land far from here, one of snow and ice, of music and endless dancing...it's home," she said.
"I've never heard of it, just as I never thought a girl could fly—" Leanna paused. "And how is it that you can? And Jin?" Leanna looked to Kioyo who had declined tea, opting for a glass of milk. "And Kioyo, you walked across the rope, and I could have sworn your eyes had changed—"
A stiff silence waved in, washing over the group like an uninvited guest. It extended to all in the tent then, slowly extinguishing all coversations. Every eye focused behind Leanna. Cut off by the stark quiet, Leanna turned and anger raged.
Finvarra.
Donning a black frock coat paired with form-fitting hose and black boots, he stood at the silken door, only the strands of his golden hair distinguishing him from the darkness of the night. A scarlet cravat elegantly adorned his crisp white shirt and black vest. Tall and dark, he was a sight that called to every eye in the room. Surely it too beckoned every heart to abandon propriety and fall at his feet. Leanna felt her own falter in rhythm and cursed its fickle nature. She struggled to hold fast to her anger, but even with her blood turning to fire at the sight of him, she was unable to deny it: Finvarra was beautiful.
His eyes, shadowed by the brim of his top hat, sparkled like two stars in a moonless sky as they scanned the room and fell upon her. Under their stare, Leanna swallowed. She willed her eyes to look away, but could only meet Finvarra's gaze, moment for moment. She realized then that perhaps Lydia had been right. It was this Finvarra that women gave their hearts to willingly. The dark, beautiful shadow. The murderer. Thinking this didn't make Leanna feel the least bit better. Worse was looking at him and realizing that beautiful girls weren't the only ones who'd given their hearts away. Surely, somehow, whether by trick or of her own volition, the moon herself had lost her heart to him. He glowed with her pull alone, as if having devoured her.
And Leanna, furious as she was, was but a wave.
So as Finvarra approached, Leanna rose to meet him.
Finvarra stopped a breath away and gracefully slid the top hat from his head. For a moment, Leanna held her breath expecting his hat to drift from his fingertips, whirl once, and float magically onto the table top. Such things would be very much like Finvarra, and even more magical indeed. It didn't. Finvarra simply lowered the silk hat and held it before him. Leanna looked down at the hat and frowned.
She gazed back up where Finvarra met her eyes, and then slid his blue stare along her. He assessed her coolly, setting ablaze fires on Leanna's skin. Still, she held herself still. She ignored the muddiness of her dress and the wrinkled mess that were her skirts, as she had tied them up to make it easier to walk across the rope. She too disregarded the bare skin of her feet and legs, whose stockings she'd long shed to better feel the wire beneath her feet. How she would explain her ruined garments to her nurse concerned Leanna very little. There, before Finvarra, Leanna felt her tattered dress to be one of royalty, every mud speckle a diamond in her eyes. Surely she looked like a mop—a very muddy, dingy ragged mop, but a proud mop that had made it across the wire alive. And so she stood very tall and welcomed Finvarra's icy scrutiny.
His eyes found hers again. "So, you're not dead," he noted in a quiet intimacy, a small mocking curve to the side of his lips. His gaze was so direct, it smothered Leanna's anger to an ashy ruin. Yet, as inexperienced as Leanna was with men, she saw the test in his stare. If she dared look away, he would think her as impressionable as her sisters, giggling and batting lashes in the presence of a powerful man.
"No, I'm not dead," she said breathless, though did not lower her eyes. She even added, "And that's after I walked across the wire numerous times."
"Did you now?" Finvarra cocked an eyebrow.
Leanna was not sure whether this was in scorn, mockery or genuine surprise. She doubted the latter, and so said, "Toward the end I even walked across all on my own, and did not wobble once!" She would have laughed in his face, but surely that was not the conduct of a proper young lady. However, Finvarra did think her a troll, and so Leanna allowed herself a smirk.
Finvarra reciprocated. "You survived the rope today, but my dear troll of a child, walking and dancing are as polar as night and day. Walking is courtship, whereas dancing..." He leaned in closer, his eyes fiery topaz. "It is passion. It requires more energy, devotion... fire than a mere stroll ever could. It is a flame I have yet to see in you."
He shifted back, and Leanna felt less steady than she did when standing upon the tightrope. A deep flush roared up her body, making strange knots of her stomach in the process. Noting his indecorous nearness and all the eyes watching, Leanna cleared her throat and smoothed her skirts futilely.
"We shall see then..." she rasped, as she couldn't frame any other words.
At this, Finvarra only hummed and moved to walk past her. The velvet of his coat caressed Leanna's fingers as she stayed his retreat. "Mr. Finvarra, we had an agreement. You said I could go home if I made it through rehearsals. Well, here I am, alive."
Finvarra gazed to Leanna's hand upon him. Her hand did not fall away lest he vanish into the winds again.
He looked up to her. "I said you could go home if you made it to morning..."
"Rehearsals have been over for some time," Ellie's voice rang in from behind. "And it is long past midnight, so technically it is morning."
"I don't mind escorting her if you're concerned about safety," Kioyo offered and cast a warning eye past Finvarra. "Though you'll have to press the horsemen for their cooperation. Otherwise, I am sure she will be safe enough to go home. The bonfire hasn't been lit so the chances of Machina knowing we're here—"
Finvarra cut Kioyo a glare. Kioyo silenced instantly. Finvarra then slid his gaze to his sister, and then finally to Leanna. At once Leanna let her hand slip away. Finvarra's eyes narrowed, and he lowered thick lashes to the small dragon bundled around her tea cup.
"You've enchanted my sister, amongst others..." he murmured. "Witches are not as bad as trolls, but they cannot be trusted." Lifting his eyes, he held Leanna's stare while stroking the reptile's lengthened neck. Between them, the small dragon abandoned the table and floated above the room like a flamed kite.
Leanna sighed, frustrated. "Whatever I am, witch or troll, spy or a bloody magician—I must go home before anyone discovers me gone. We had a deal!"
Finvarra mused on her words for a fleeting moment watching the small dragon wrap its body around the torch and vanish back into the flames from whence it came.
"Very well then, I am a man of my word," he said and fluidly reached for the crystal around her neck. He cradled it and turned his eyes to Leanna. "You will go home and be here for practice at noon. You will not tell anyone of what's transpired here today. The last thing I want is a frenetic father bursting into my circus looking for his runaway daughter. You tell them whatever is needed to free you, and return. If you utter a single word to anyone about our agreement, the crystal will warn me, to where then I will—"
"What? You will feed me to the lions?" Leanna snatched the necklace from his hands. "Save your threats. You've already forced me into becoming your walker. But I've given my word, and I intend to keep it. I will return."
Finvarra chuckled darkly, a velvety sound of red wine and chocolate. "I never forced you, Miss Weston."
Leanna paled, and her mouth wound with a million and one curses, but Finvarra spoke first.
"I know— I'm miserable, insufferable, heartless, vain..." He twirled his hand absently in the air. "I may be one or more of those things—all of them probably, but I am no liar. I never forced you."
"You said Kia would eat me!" Leanna exploded.
He held up a finger in the air as if testing the direction of the winds. "Correction, I said you were his dinner. It's not my fault he didn't want to eat you. But now that the misunderstanding is sorted, heed this: If you tell anyone of our arrangement or of where we are, I will swoop in and take your heart regardless of how useless it is to me. If you take off the necklace, the same punishment follows. Are we clear, Miss Weston?"
"Crystal clear," Leanna said, with a biting wit. Secretly though, she worried. Was it really an all seeing eye? She inspected it closely and saw but a cold rock. "And how do I know you are telling the truth this time?"
A slow grin transformed Finvarra's face. "Don't you trust me?"
Leanna's eyes flicked up, pinning him with a glare. "You said I shouldn't."
Finvarra's smile fell and a cold breeze strummed between them. "Perhaps I was wrong. You will be here tomorrow, and you won't utter a word to anyone. It would be a shame to have to prove my trustworthiness to you in such a way, no?"
Leanna's mouth soured with all the vile things she wanted to tell him. But noting he no longer looked at her, she followed his gaze. Blue eyes scanned the horizon, a quiet agony in his stare. He turned, focusing solely on his sister. Finvarra's shoulders fell then, and Leanna felt a part of her die. She gasped quietly, knowing two things at once. This overwhelming sadness was not her woe, no. This agony was foreign, deeper that anything she'd ever felt before.
It was also painfully clear that with the golden hues bleeding over the horizon, it was not a time to be angry, but rather a time to say goodbye.
.
A solemn caravan, the procession of performers followed Finvarra out of the tent and gathered outside of the Big Top, facing the coming sun. Neither painted smiles nor illusions could hide the sadness, and their melancholy solidified in the air as snow that began to fall once more. Light advanced then across the field, the first ray of sun breaking through the skeletal branches of the trees. Hollow light burned away the fringes of the dark, dissolving the billowing mist to a thin sheet of gleaming pearls. In the midst of the parting fog, the world of tents before them vanished slowly, disappearing to a snowy meadow that glittered into the distance like a field of frozen diamonds.
Leanna blinked, sure her mind played tricks on her or rather it was all a waking dream, one of fairy tales unfolding before her eyes.
In the distance of this ice-covered forest, veiled by suspended snowflakes, the towers of a glacial palace reached toward the sky, luridly white against wispy silver clouds. Pale blue light spilled out from within, gracing the frozen countryside and softening the stark edges of the surrounding mountains. It was a land of snow and ice, yet never had Leanna felt such comforting warmth.
Leanna watched as from beside her, a hand flew to Ellie's chest, and wide-eyed she looked back to Finvarra, looking very much like a child about to gain her heart's greatest desire. A quiet pain flicked across Finvarra's eyes, but vanished just as quickly. In its place, he offered Ellie a slight smile, but just barely.
In the face of this spectral beauty, Leanna stood beside Finvarra struggling to keep her tears at bay as Ellie and Jin made their way around the half circle, embracing their friends one final time. Never having had a friend of her own, the foreign concept of goodbye tore open loneliness within Leanna, much worse than a million broken hearts. And so when Leanna's time came and they stood before her, she lowered her head to her twined fingers, unsure of what to do with this raw ache.
Jin reached out and cradled Leanna's open hand in his. He pressed a luminous black feather into her palm and gently closed her fingers around it.
"No fear," he said finally, and nothing further. One last smile and a light kiss on Leanna's forehead, and Jin stepped aside for Ellie. Leanna clenched the feather tightly, and strained against her coming tears.
Ellie drew closer and pressed a hand over Leanna's heart. "You can do this, just remember to believe. There is a reason you've come on the same night my forgiveness was granted. You were made for this."
Leanna shook her head, lowering it as the first tear fell. "It's a coincidence, nothing more," she whispered. "I am no muse. The only things I can inspire in anyone are frustration and guilt."
"You say coincidence. I like to call it Fate, but well, she has many names. And you have inspired more than frustration, Leanna. You've brought hope to this circus. All of us think you have come for a reason, and you alone have inspired us all—all of us— to believe that freedom will soon come." Ellie tilted Leanna's face to meet hers. "If hope isn't the best kind of inspiration, then I don't know what is. Now come," she said quietly, bringing Leanna into her arms.
Ellie made to release Leanna when suddenly she took her back into a strong embrace and whispered for Leanna's ears only, "I beg of you, save him from himself. Do not abandon him to the darkness of his mind. You are his soul's heart, Leanna, and he will need you. Only you can do this."
After an eternal second gone too fast, Ellie released Leanna and stepped back. "I believe in you, darling, darling girl." A smile of a silent thank you, and Ellie broke away, then approaching the last in line: her dearest brother.
Standing a breath apart, Ellie stared up her brother, eyes full of uncertainty. She tried a smile that only downed to quavering lips. The same hesitation played on Finvarra's face, and they stared at one another until with a half-smile, one of painful acceptance that time was at an end, Finvarra took in a slow breath. An exhale, and he bowed holding out his hand to his sister—a quiet request to extend what time they had left with one final dance.
Tears gleamed in Ellie's eyes, but at this she smiled and brushed into her brother's arms. Ellie pressed her cheek on Finvarra's wide lapels while taking his offered hand. And love trumping all proper structure, Finvarra rested his head in her bundle of wispy blond curls.
Together, quietly, they took off into a waltz, the soughing winds singing a quiet hush through the trees all around them. The mist, luminous with the remnants of moonlight, wrapped its wispy fingers around them as they danced, swirling perfect circles in the snow. Ellie's tears burst into giggles as without form, Finvarra spun them gracefully in and out of the shadows, through the grey traces of night and into the pale pinks of the coming morning. Ellie's smoky wings grew resplendent, melting into the cool mist that brushed across Leanna's faces like a soft caresses. She clung lovingly to her brother, until their waltz deteriorated to entwined figures laughing merrily as if all were as it should be.
But it wasn't, and not even Finvarra's timelessness could detain the splendor of the sun that rose to claim its reign amongst the fading deep purples of the night sky. Basked in this pure light, Ellie crumbled into Finvarra's chest and her frame wracked with muffled cries. They faltered in step, and slowly drifted to a stop.
Finvarra drew away first, but not enough to break contact. They stood quiet and still for a long moment that proved entirely too short for Ellie, who refused to let Finvarra go. Finvarra smoothed his hands along her hair and down to her hands, where he extended a blink that cut to Leanna's core. With borrowed strength that buckled Leanna's knees, he pried Ellie's fingers away. One step back, and then another, and he broke their embrace. Their hands the only thing left bridging them together were the last to part.
Just out of her reach, Finvarra took another moment to stare at her and then he bowed.
Flushed and weakened, Ellie barely curtsied.
Pain found Leanna's heart once more when in tenderness unlike him, Finvarra reached out and tapped Ellie's nose with a small smile. It was a quiet affection that clamored volumes of love.
Without another word, Ellie shifted back gracefully and abandoned Finvarra to watch her walk toward Jin at the icy fringes of Forever.
The congregation of performers moved quietly forward toward Finvarra, the only sound the muted rasp of their steps on the snow. Leanna hesitated, when her hand was then taken from her and she was led forward by Kioyo, whose eyes remained on their beloved Forever, a dream so close, yet wholly out of reach.
Once more at Finvarra's side, Leanna watched a translucent Jin and Ellie offer one last glance at the troupe before looking to the distant mountains of Forever. Hand in hand, one step after another, they walked toward the pearly field until fading alongside the mirage that now died to the morning light.
Only silence, tents, and snow remained.
And darkness.
It was a familiar gloom that lay claim to Leanna's heart, much like the days that depression engulfed her. Yet for the first time ever, as darkness pulsed within her, Leanna instinctively reached for her necklace and countered the blackness, thinking a new memory with every beating of her heart just as Ellie had told her.
At once, Finvarra spun to her and met her gaze, as if her thoughts had branded his icy skin. Staring at him then, a vision came upon Leanna and she was caught in it, somehow within her mind and within his. Watching Ellie walk away left Finvarra bereft, drowning in an ocean of black waters, unknowing how to swim. The pearly towers in the distance only instigated the waves, and Finvarra felt close to surrender. Screams resounded in the gusting winds that whipped around Leanna. Smoky images flashed as bolts of lightning in the tempest of his mind, uninhibited for Leanna to see. She looked up into the turbulent skies and saw deadened eyes, lifeless bodies, and blood—so much blood of innocents spilled. A roaring wind brushed past, and at once the vision vanished.
Leanna sucked in a quiet breath, once more abandoned in the plains of Finvarra's stare. In his eyes was a dangerous desperation, a man on an edge seeing only one way out—death. And against Ellie's wishes, Leanna felt helpless to stop it.
In the shadow of his despair, Leanna reached for Finvarra's arm, and for a moment, he let her hold him. Remembering Ellie's words, Leanna conjured the most beautiful memory she had: Ellie and Jin's last dance. Finvarra closed his eyes, and turned away his face.
The last Leanna felt of him was a cold gust of wind as he disappeared into the fading mists, wishing to cling onto what remained of the waning night. His pain lingered, however. And abandoned under the weight of his despair, Leanna crumbled slowly to the damp ground suddenly very, very tired. Caught in his maelstrom of agony, she closed her eyes against the morning sun and drifted into the cold black waters of sleep.
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Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed the glimpse into Forever :)
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