"I told you to stop straining yourself," I look up from trying to adjust Joon Seo who's sleeping next to me on the hospital bed, to find Joo Hyuk standing by the doorway and somehow, it brought a big fat smile on my face. I've been staying in the hospital way past my due because Joo Hyuk refused to have me home where he couldn't see my vital signs and medicine intake. But what I really think is that he'll end up calling every hour because he misses me if that were to happen. He's just saving himself the embarrassment. He walks closer in all his medical sophistication and my mind momentarily halts at how I have a man like this whipped for me in all my fucked up glory. My heart's filled with nothing but joy at how I finally have him-finally holding his hand as we fight through everything blocking our way. He reaches for Joon Seo and carries him to lie down on the couch. He covers him with a blanket and places a throw pillow under his head.
I've been staying in the hospital bed since I woke up seven days ago. Joo Hyuk didn't want me to go home until he actually sees me standing up on my own. The bruises on my face are fading, so are the ones on my legs. My arm was fractured so I still have my cast on and I'm still taking medication for my mild concussion. They removed the bandages from my head yesterday and I feel so relieved right after. "Stop overreacting," I tell him as I try to reach for the bed's controls but he beats me to it. He pushes the button as the part of the bed supporting my back rises enough for me to sit up and look at him.
"I'm not overreacting," he's speaking, but he's not looking at me as he walks around my bed, fixing my IV tube and checking my heart monitor all the while writing notes on his clipboard. "I shouldn't be called a doctor if I'll just let you get worse," he finally looks at me for a moment, the joy in his eyes couldn't be mistaken for anything else. I could see the gratefulness, the relief and the genuine bliss across the brown color of his pupils. It feels like I'm being trapped in a frozen particle of time when he looks at me like that. But he finally moves to bend down and kiss my forehead, staying there, letting me feel that he'll treat every moment as if it will be the last. I let myself wallow in the promise of it. I close my eyes at the contact and smile at how much I like it. Nothing was bothering me anymore. I'm finally so sure of myself-so sure of him.
As he detaches his lips from my forehead, I suddenly grab a hold of his face so that I could tilt it towards me, kissing his forehead in return. He chuckles as I feel the vibration of it against my lips. "You're acting fairly touchy today, miss," he says as soon as I let go of him. He sits on the chair beside my bed, removing his hand from his lab coat pocket to hold mine. The feeling of warmth from it spreads through my body in a matter of seconds. It had me scooting closer to him, wanting to just feel him like how I've been wanting to be next to him for the days that we haven't been with each other.
"I just got you," I tell him, looking straight in his eyes. "So your job now is to let me have you," I smile and lean over to plant a sweet, chaste kiss on his lips.
"Well," he says, slowly opening his eyes as I pull away from the contact. "I couldn't say no to that. But let me remind you," he lifts my hand up to his lips so he could kiss it, his eyes never leaving mine. "You had me from the very start." He looks at me with so much sincerity that I couldn't help but let another smile widely grace my lips. This man has been and always will be the very dream that I'll gladly accept every night for as long as I'm living. He's the stars-watching during the day, shining throughout the night. He's the paper toads and the hundred roses; the camera flashes and blank pieces of polaroid film; the love and hate mixing in tongues of fire over piles of ice. He is everything that makes up my entire being. I trust him enough to hand myself over to him because despite the fact that he built me, I have instilled it within myself that he will never find it in himself to tear me down.
And I love him for it.
"I'm glad then," I whisper just inches away from his face as I run a hand through his hair. I notice his tired eyes and his furrowed eyebrows. I wanted to ease his exhaustion by making his visits worth while for the past few days. "You've been working hard, sonsaengnim."
He nods before adjusting himself on the seat. "I finally have my license," he sighs before placing his elbow on the mattress as he leans his head on his hand, looking like the most worried person in the world. "I have more work than before. More patients are coming in to see me and I still have to handle my papers so I could sign the contract with that major hospital Go Eun's talking about," as soon as he said it, I almost wanted to jump up and down. The sound of him staying is such beautiful music to my ears. I want to kiss him multiple times and hug him like I've been deprived of it. He reaches for my hand and plays with my fingers. He starts massaging it, making me lean back on the bed and close my eyes.
"I'm proud of you, by the way," I say with my eyes closed, feeling myself slipping into slight unconsciousness. So I open my eyes to stare at his bent head, focusing on my hand. I didn't want to fall asleep especially since he's setting aside time for me despite his busy schedule. I just watch him, feeling the overflowing love filling up my chest. "I'm so proud of you," I reiterate as he looks at me for a moment before slightly standing up to kiss my forehead again.
"Thank you, my love," he whispers before standing up straight and placing his glasses on after grabbing them from his breast pocket. He checks his watch and straightens himself out. "I have a patient coming in for a follow-up so I'll be leaving," he says while walking to Joon Seo and kissing our little boy's head. He walks towards me again and adjusts the sheets covering my legs. "I'll see you later," he smiles at me before turning to exit the door.
As soon as it closes, I wanted to squeal in pure excitement. The tingly feeling's spreading throughout my body and I made no move to stop it. I try to keep myself composed, taking care of my fractured arm and not wanting my son to see how immature his mother could be at times. The world is unfurling in the best way that I could have it. So many things happened but it all led to one realization.
I'm free.
Joo Hyuk's plan to leave has opened my eyes to how much I tend to not appreciate things enough. I'm still surprised at how much he actually loves me. And to me, he's everything good in the world molded to form one body. It's true when they say that there's really no exact explanation as to why we love. But today, I have a definite reason.
We love because we want to be loved.
We love for the hurt.
We love for the bliss.
We love for the lessons.
We love for the memories.
Because love is what makes life beautiful despite all the cruelty that we are forced to face. Love is darkness turning to light at every possible intersection. We will always have control over the wheel but we will never know what we'll see at every turn. So we'll need to learn how to take risks because it helps us build an immunity to pain.
Joo Hyuk has been that to me.
He has been my immunity, my rock, my solid ground.
But now, he is my love. The euphoria, the complications and the complex reasons all rolled into one. I will not ask for anything more because he is already at his best. I will not love less because the only direction that I could go is to love more.
He is my happiness.
He is my pain.
He is the light that blinds me but keeps me warm; the wind that makes me cold but blissful all the same; the lack of words but the overflow of actions.
He is everything.
"Mom," Joon Seo's groggy voice makes my head snap away from the window to look at him. He's sitting up on the couch while rubbing his eyes with his small hands. This little boy in front of me is the very symbol of that love that we share. I am filled with gratefulness at the sight of him so healthy and happy. "Are you okay?" he asks as I smile at him. He's just like his father.
"I'm alright, baby," I say as he slides down from the couch to go to the chair and climb it so he could sit next to me. I reach over to pull the chair closer as his small hand grabs mine. "Did you have a good sleep?" I ask, momentarily detaching my hand from his so that I could run my fingers through the soft strands of his messy hair. He just nods his head and I smile even wider.
"Mom," he calls out to me again as I stop what I'm doing and give him my full attention. "It makes me happy to see your eyes open," he murmurs and the sound of his confession pierced me through the heart. "I was so sad when dad said that you'll be sleeping for a little while. I wanted you to make me those waffles you always cook," he's still staring at his hands and I almost cried at how my son worries about me even if he doesn't understand things yet. Silence envelopes us as I let myself drown in the love that I feel for this little sunshine sitting in front of me. I'm so thankful for being given people who care for me even when I tend to just set them aside. I'm so happy to the point where my heart's ready to burst out of my chest.
"Joon Seo," I reach for his hand, preparing to ask him a question that I'm sure he could answer in the speed of light. The silence was disturbed but I've always known that Joon Seo likes it a lot when I talk to him."Does dad make you happy?" I ask as he lifts his head, ready to answer without a hint of hesitation.
"Of course!" he says with such enthusiasm that it made me chuckle. I squeeze his hand in mine as I lean over to kiss his head.
"That makes me happy then,"
"Does dad make you happy, mom?" he suddenly asks, catching me totally off-guard. But I smile and bask at the feeling of how I have no hesitation to answer too.
"Yes, he does, baby," I smile, the warm feeling spreading in my chest.
If you asked me before, I would've needed time to think about it. My mind was moving in circles before my accident. I wasn't sure about a lot of things that it's starting to infuriate me. I had so many thoughts about Joo Hyuk but they were parts of different aspects. I couldn't focus on just one thing. But now, everything's as clear as day to me. The doubts have been polished away by his words. The worries have been blown off by his kisses. There was just me, him, Joon Seo, and the destiny that the three of us are meant to face. Despite the uncertainties, I didn't find the need to think about them now because I still have my whole life ahead of me.
"He really does," I whisper again, leaning down to kiss his head once more.
Joon Seo finds a sudden interest in my hand as I wonder why. I was about to ask him but he beat me to it. "Is that why there's this big rock on your finger?" he asks and my face shifts to one of disbelief and pure shock. I couldn't believe what my son was saying until I lift my hand to find a ring.
An engagement ring.