The darkness is unbearable. For almost half of my life, I've been asking for a void space where I could just be at peace with the things around me. I've always asked for the lack of light with the hope that maybe, just maybe, I could think on my life better. But now that it's being handed to me on a silver platter, I feel so suffocated. It makes me want to escape through the smallest of holes that I could find. But that's the problem; the darkness won't let me see anything as I realize that it's more blinding than light.
Or maybe my light hasn't arrived just yet.
The few moments I had left as the car crashes into mine was filled with flashes of images projected in front of my eyes. I suddenly saw all the laughter and the smiles. I suddenly felt the sadness and the tears. I remembered how it felt like to be loved by the man who has been the very subject of both my dreams and my reality. I remembered every line and every curve of his face; the movement of his lips as he speaks and the sweet melody that his words bring to my ears. My heart felt constricted in those few seconds as the thought of staying with my boys became a losing variable. The screeching of tires and the shattering of glass were the last things that I heard before the world turned for the worse.
There were moments when I saw light. There were moments when I heard voices. But I couldn't comprehend anything as I keep slipping into complete unconsciousness. I kept questioning myself if whether or not I was alive; if whether or not I was dead; if whether or not I could still keep living. But as Joo Hyuk said, I kept asking questions that are just being left unanswered. However this time, it feels otherwise.
As my eyes slowly open to such blinding light from the sun, I realize that my questions are indeed being answered. I'm alive. My breaths are even as I glance around the room but I suddenly press my palm on my head at the feeling of the pain that's currently making me dizzy. I'm also suddenly aware of the tingling sensation in my left arm and my leg. My right hand was warm as I carefully turn my bandaged head to a man's hand clutching my uninjured one while he sleeps on a hospital chair. Without even taking a glance at his face, I already knew. I suddenly feel so aware of my surroundings as the mirror in front of my hospital bed shows me a bruise by my right cheek and cuts on my lip and above my eye brow. I look beaten but at that moment, I thank God that I'm alive. I still have a lot to do in this life, starting with the angelic face that's sleeping beside me, his head resting next to our clutched hands.
He looks so peaceful-without worry. The bags under his eyes are enough evidence that he's really been working hard for the many days that we have not seen each other. But his lips were forming a frown and it had me wondering why. Slowly, quietly, I remove my hand from his grasp as I reach to his face to touch his lips. I caress it gently, smoothening the edges as I let my fingers wonder to his furrowed eye brows, his facial features softening at every stroke that my fingers make.
My angel, you have saved me once again.
His eyes slowly open as I move my hand to his hair, running it through the soft strands. He doesn't move and just stares at me. I know that he has a lot to say to me and I to him but I want this moment to be just us. I almost died back there. I never want to go through that without him knowing how much he really means to me.
The sun sets.
The sun rises.
But it's not bright enough without him.
As I continue with what I'm doing, his face suddenly crumbles together with the barrier that he built against his emotions. The tears gloss over his eyes as he continues to stare at me. The look on his face made me want to sob at how close I was to losing him-forever. My chest is constricting with the thought that the last expression that I could've remembered from his face was of sadness and pain, all because of the wrong things that I have done. So I slide my hand to his cheek, wiping the tear away from his soft skin. He closes his eyes as I see it in his face how precious the contact is to him. He reaches up to hold my wrist while I feel my own tears falling down my cheeks. He was still dressed in his work clothes and lab coat, looking so disheveled yet so utterly handsome-angelic. I was left speechless but feeling everything all at once. "Kyung," he calls out, not quite believing that I really am awake. He stares into my eyes as the tears are still falling and I couldn't help but let a sob make its way out of my throat. "You're awake," he says shakily and it's my undoing. We were a mess of tears and painful pasts but still, we ended up here; with each other.
"I-" I start but the words leave me as I shake my head and just relish the feeling of his face against my skin. "Joo Hyuk-"
"I was so close to losing you," he speaks above my voice, wiping the tears from his eyes although they persist on falling. I try to scoot closer but couldn't because of the pain from my leg. He's suddenly alert at the sight of my face contorting in pain and moves his chair closer instead. "Stop straining yourself," he scolds as I sadly smile at how he could still be mad at me in a moment like this. He reaches out to pull the sheets higher up my torso.
"Are you mad at me?"
He takes a hold of my hand and caresses the skin with his thumb, shaking his head. I let the silence consume the atmosphere, wanting him to speak and he does. "I was so calm when they wheeled the stretcher in. I was prepared to give the necessary treatment," he pauses and I already know what he's going to say. "-until I saw you lying there motionless, your eyes closed and a nurse giving you CPR," he diverts his gaze from my hand and looks outside the window, the tears pushing themselves out of his eyes. "You scared me so much," he whispers as he covers his mouth with his hand and lets a tiny sob out. It pains me so much to see him like this all because of me. He makes it appear as if this was the hardest thing that he has ever gone through. His shoulders are starting to shake, his hand's grip growing tighter. He rests his head against our clasped hands and lets himself cry and I cry with him. I was also on the brink of losing him. The thought just puts so much strain on my heart. He pulls his head up and lifts my hand to kiss it. I hate seeing him like this. "I thought-"
"Joo Hyuk-"
"I thought you were going to die," he sobs, covering his mouth again. He moves even closer as if he was going to get pulled away from me any second. "There was so much blood and I could plainly see the life being sucked out of you,"
"Stop-"
"I didn't know what to do. All the years of studying and training became nothing in that split second. And the very thought that came inside my head was that I couldn't just watch you like that," he pauses to look directly at me with teary eyes. He looked hurt and that's when I realized that this man sees me as his entire world even when I didn't treat him the same. "But I did." The truth of what he said came crashing down on the both of us, bringing more pain and more suffering. His hold on my hand is my only source of strength as he fills me with everything that I tried to have him avoid feeling. "Another doctor needed to take over because you were having a concussion. You were out for three whole days and I just couldn't focus on doing anything."
"Stop hurting your-"
"So I kept going by your room every three hours despite them telling me that you were going to live," he runs a hand through his hair as if he was so lost and I found myself feeling the same. I was so lost in his intense love for me. I was so lost in his words and his eyes and the depths of his heart. I wanted to drown in him, fill every space of me with his scent, his gaze and his smile. I love him so. "I didn't want to believe them until I actually see your eyes open. And now," he doesn't even finish his sentence as he just bends to kiss my hand multiple times as if he was convincing himself that I really am here. I squeeze his hand to reassure him and just let him say everything he has to. "I'm so relieved, so fucking relieved."
"I'm sorry," I sob, my voice so hoarse but I didn't have the time to bother asking for water. The most important aspect of my life is sitting right in front of me, crying his eyes out because he almost lost the woman who kept setting him aside. "I was rushing because I thought you were leaving. I wasn't thinking straight."
"I hate myself for even thinking of going through with that plan," he says. "I can't believe I almost left you again just because I couldn't handle it," he sniffs and reaches out to wipe my tears. "I promise you, I will never run. I'll always be here even if you don't want me to," that made me cry even more as I realize that I've been wrong about thinking the worst of him to be true. "I will never complain even if you decide to get mad at me for no reason. I will never complain even if you burn the fucking toast every morning. I will never complain even if you change the channel without asking me if it's okay. I will never complain because I love you," he looks at me with so much sincerity that I fear my other leg would feel weaker than the injured one. "I love you so fucking much," he whispers and stands up to kiss me as I let him.
His lips move against mine in a dance of equal parts gentleness and equal parts intensity. My bruises are forgotten as my mind was only filled with how I wanted this for so many days, thought about it at every waking moment. His hand makes its way to the back of my neck, his fingers knitting through my hair. It wasn't in an environment that I imagined but I craved for it all the same. He tilts my head to the other side, our noses gently bumping against each other, our lips fitting perfectly like two pieces of a puzzle. It was like a painting filled with strokes of light and bold colors. It was hot and cold combined to produce an epiphany of utter bliss. It felt wonderful. I felt complete.
At that very moment, despite the bandages over my limbs and my inability to properly reciprocate, everything was perfect. Everything's as it should be even when he detaches his lips from mine and just stares at me with so much love. For the first time in the entire year that we've been apart, I felt it all.
I let go of the pain.
I let go of the fear.
I let go of every remaining worry.
"I love you," I say and just look at him like how he deserves to be looked at. His hand remained on my cheek as I smile at him. There's a lot that I still want to say, but I'll give him this day to indulge me with everything he wants to tell me. Because now, I'm sure of one thing.
We finally have the rest of our lives.