My Dear, June 15
Today your father and I found out about you. We were surprised, shocked, and caught off guard. As you can tell you were not planned.
We were sitting on my bed, your father holding my hand as I held the test. After two minutes of pure suspense a pink plus sign appeared and you entered our life.
When I saw it I started to cry. Unfortunately these were not tear of joy, but tears of fear. Your father pulled me into him and held me close. At that point I knew we were in this together, the three of us.
My Dear, June 16
Today I’ve scheduled an OB/GYN appointment because of your father. He wants to make sure you’re not a false positive, but I know you’re there, I know you’re growing in me.
So in a week we will find out if you are here of not. I think I will cry either way. I mean I’m growing an attachment to you the more I write to you, but then again I’m only seventeen and just starting my life. But here or not I love you.
My Dear, June 19
Sorry for missing a few days of writing but I’ve been exhausted (a sign of pregnancy). I’ve got work, well babysitting, all day, and five days a week. Then I need to find time for my family, your father, and possibly you.
Your grandparents (mine and your father’s side) have no clue that you exist. We’re waiting for the doctor to confirm you. We have a feeling you’re going to like your Aunt Ali, though. She is your father’s sister and is currently eight. She is always asking if your father and I are going to get married and have a baby one day.
Well, we accomplished the baby part, but marriage? I’m not sure. I do love your father but I don’t know if your father loves us that much.
My Dear, June 20
Tomorrow is my appointment to find out about you and I’m terrified. To be honest I’m scared you’re there. I’m scared of what will happen next. Between me and my family, my body, my life, but most of all your father.
I know you’re there, which doesn’t make it any easier. I’m sorry I'm saying this but it’s true. You weren’t planed, you were a complete surprise. But if you are there I will love you and do what's best for you. I promise.
My Dear, June 21
Today I cried, in the office, on the car ride home and on your father’s shoulder. I just couldn’t stop. I don’t think I’ve ever cried this much in one time.
Once I calmed down your father and I just laid in bed. It reminded me on how you were conceived. (If you’re reading this now skip the next few paragraphs unless you want to know how you were made.)
Your father and I have slept together before. We were smart about it, we used contraception. Your father wore a condom and I did my best to make sure I wasn’t ovulating on the days we had sex.
Your father and I had just gotten back from the movies, and your grandparents weren’t home so we hurried up to my room. It didn’t take us long to get into bed.
Afterwards we just laid in bed, like we did today. Your father just lying on his back and me cuddled up into him.
My Dear, June 24
Today your father stopped by after work so we could discuss you. We talked for hours and your father convinced me that we shouldn’t have you. I'm sorry. It breaks my heart but he’s right, you’re a mistake. You weren’t meant to be.
After we talked you father found this, my journal. He yelled and screamed at me. Said I was falling in love with you, that this is unhealthy for me.
So with that being said, this is the last time I will be writing to you. Like I said I’m sorry. But your father does make a good point. If you’re not going to be here then I shouldn’t be writing to you. It’s only going to make getting rid of you harder.
My Dear, June 31
I promised your father that I would stop writing to you but I just can’t. I love you too much to stop. The nights I didn’t write to you were the nights I cried myself to sleep.
Your father doesn’t know I'm writing to you still or that I want to keep you. I’m scared if I tell him I want you that he will leave, and I need him for this, for us.
I plan on telling him the day of the abortion that I’m keeping you. I know he’s going to be upset but I don’t care. I rather have him be mad and be able to have you.
My Dear, July 1
The abortion is in a few days and I can't wait to tell your father about you. I know he will be upset but I know that he will come around.
Today we went over the plan for it. While we talked I just nodded and smiled. He has no clue I want you.
My Dear, July 10
Sorry about not writing for a couple of days. I’ve been recuperating. This whole thing started the day of the abortion, the day I almost lost you.
Your father had come over to pick me up when I was standing in the living room waiting for him. “Are you ready?” he asked.
“I’m not going,” I told him.
“You’re what?” he looked at me confused.
“I’m not going, Jason; I'm not aborting our baby.”
After that he was pissed. He started to scream and yell at me. Calling me names that I should not mention to you. He backed me into a door and slapped me across the face. I started to cry even harder. He then opened the door and gave me a shove. I tumbled down the basement stairs and landed on my stomach.
When I look up at the door way I see him snicker and walk away.
The next thing I remember is my mom ranting on the phone next to me. I caught only a few words of what she was saying, something about an ambulance and hurrying.
That night I spent at the hospital. Due to the fall I have a black eye, three bruised ribs, a bruise that goes along my jaw, and bruises up and down my legs and arms. From the injuries and the almost loss of you I'm on bed rest till my next appointment for you.
When I got asked what happened I told them I fell. I could never tell them that your father did this to us. This is the first time he has ever done anything like this, and I promise you it will be the last.
That night my parents found out about you. My mother was happy that we were both okay but my father just ignored the fact that I'm pregnant with you.
My Dear, July 12
Today your father stopped by to see if we were okay, but a part of me doesn’t really think that. That part of me thinks he still wants in my pants and another part says he does care about me and you too.
He brought me pink daisies, my favorite, and he brought you a yellow teddy bear. He didn’t stay for long though, maybe an hour. To tell you the truth I was happy when he was gone.
My Dear, July 16
Your father stopped by today, we spent so time just lying in bed. If I wasn’t so banged up we probably would have gone at it, but we didn’t. Instead we listened to music and talked about what we’re going to doing after you’re born.
Not long after your father arrived my parents came up to my room to talk to us. We had a long discussion about you. We went over all of our options, the pros and cons to them. But it didn’t change my mind. I still want you and I'm still going to have you.
My Dear, July 18
Unfortunately I'm still on bed rest so not much has happened. Your father stopped by again after work today. Like usual we laid in bed and listened to music, but today was different. As we spooned, he wouldn’t fully put his arms around me or put his hands on my stomach, on you.
I didn’t question him or bother him about it. I just wish he wasn’t afraid of you. That he would love you the way I do.
My Dear, July 26
I once again apologize for not writing in days if not a week, but not much has happened since I'm still on bed rest. The only big thing that has happened is that I’ve scheduled another appointment for you. You will be about ten weeks when I have the appointment. You’ve grown so fast. It doesn’t even seem possible, any of this, but it is. And soon I will get my first look at you!
My Dear, August 4
This will be my last entry to you, ever. Today was my appointment for you and I cried many tears. I’m still crying as I write this. It’s truly taking all the strength I have to say goodbye.
I don’t have much time because your father is over and doesn’t want me to write to you since you’re dead. He decided to stay the night to comfort me and to make sure I was okay, since this is his fault. But I will never be okay because I can never have you.