5
❝ Emotions cloud judgement ❞
— JACE HERONDALE
• • •
Lucas was sitting on the couch while I grabbed two cups of water from the kitchen. I hadn't expected him to say "yes" to my invitation, much less sit so comfortably on my couch as if he lived in the apartment.
I filled the two cups with water and just as I was about to walk out of the kitchen, I got distracted by a beautiful blonde haired, green eyed man sitting on my couch, admiring one of the photo frames. I wasn't sure which one it was but he was staring at it so intently and there was a mixture of regret and surprise on his face.
There was always something about the way his face would change when he was concentrating that mesmerized me. It was one of the many traits I loved about him — how passionate and dedicated he was to things. I'd never met someone so loyal, especially considering the amount of love and dedication I received from my mother growing up.
He was the first person who made me realize that I was special and I didn't have to do everything people wanted. He taught me how to be brave and stand up for myself. He taught me to live my life and if I didn't love it everyday then I was doing something wrong; I wasn't living my life the way I wanted to. He taught me the secrets of the universe and everything in between and I could not have been more grateful for it.
"What are you looking at?" I asked, startling Lucas. The picture frame slightly fell out of his hands but it seemed as if he was holding on tight enough so that it wouldn't have fallen on the ground.
I made my way towards the couch, two water glasses in my hands, and a lot of memories in my mind.
"You kept this picture." Before Lucas turned the frame around, I already knew what picture he was talking about. I found a seat on the couch next to him as he showed me the picture.
"Yeah, I did. I wanted to get rid of it. I just... couldn't." The green eyed boy nodded and relieved me of one of the cups filled with water. His hands encompassed mine and I was tempted to tell him how much I missed the feeling and how badly I wanted it back. But I didn't because I knew better and I wasn't about to ruin an engagement based off of selfish needs.
"I love this picture of us Riley. I never want you to get rid of it."
"Yeah and how lame and pathetic is it that I still have a framed picture of my ex boyfriend and I at the Coney Island fair in my apartment?" I scoffed.
"Riley..."
"An ex who, might I add, is about to get married! On my birthday no less!"
"Goddamn it Riley can you just please listen to me for a minute?" Lucas shouted. I shut my mouth immediately after he raised his voice. It truly was rare that Lucas got mad; he never did it without good reason.
The facial expression on the blonde's face dropped instantly and he was again overrun with guilt and shame.
"It's okay," I said gently, grabbing his hand. I managed a slight smile as I rubbed my thumb back and forth across his knuckles.
"I didn't mean to yell. I just... I wanted to tell you that it's not lame or pathetic that you have this picture of us still. Do you wanna know why?" I nodded softly.
"Because I have the exact same picture in my wallet. I carry it with me everyday."
I wasn't sure if time itself had physically stopped or if I was experiencing a heart attack because I couldn't breathe and everything around me stood still. Why would he carry a picture of us everyday? Shouldn't a picture of him and Faith bumped the picture of him and me out?
"Why?" Lucas looked at me and I could feel familiar feelings flooding back. He was put together and broken at the same time, yet I still had never seen such a beautiful man.
The blonde gingerly tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and let his hand linger on my cheek. Subconsciously I leaned into his touch and let myself enjoy it.
"Because I love you and I'll never stop loving you." At the sound of those words I removed his hand from my cheek and untangled my hand from his.
"No you don't. You love Faith now and whatever way you think love me, it's not the same. So please, let's not go down this path again," I said. Lucas didn't love me — not in the way that mattered at least — and I couldn't handle hearing him constantly say something he clearly didn't mean.
"Why won't you believe me when I say I love you? Why can't you believe that I still care about you? And that I still want to be a part of your life? Or how—"
"Because you're marrying her!" The room fell silent. I had never raised my voice at Lucas — or anyone — before. I rarely got mad enough to lash out and resort to shouting.
Lucas was surprised as well. Throughout our entire relationship, I was the one who kept things together. I was the one who made sure things never got too heated or escalated too quickly.
I took a deep breath to collect myself and my thoughts. The blonde grabbed both of my hands and held them so tightly that I was afraid the blood circulation might have stopped. But I didn't care.
"You are getting married to someone else Lucas. Your life is going down a path that I'm never going to be a part of anymore. And maybe I'm not fully ready to deal with it right now but I'll learn to eventually. I care about you Lucas, I will always care about you. But you don't care about me in that way anymore and when you realize that, all of this can stop and we can move on with our lives." I hadn't realized there were tears falling from my eyes until Lucas started wiping them away. I was going to be okay. Maybe it would take a long time for me to be okay but I would get there eventually and that was all that mattered.
"Riley that's not true. You know it's not true. You're afraid to admit that I still love you because you're scared that someone actually cares for you."
"It doesn't matter at this point Lucas! I don't want it to be true because I'm not going to be responsible for whatever happens after this and I will not be the one who breaks up a relationship. So before either one of us does something we're going to regret, you should go home to your fiancé and tell her how much you love her and mean it. Mean every word you say." I stood up from my seat on the couch and walked towards the kitchen, leaning against the wall. We were dangerously close to making huge mistakes and I couldn't be the one to ruin Lucas's life.
"What if I don't want to go back?" My head snapped up at the question.
"Lucas... You have to. You love Faith, I know you do. Go home to her." As much as I wanted to be selfish and tell him he could stay and that I wanted him to stay, I wouldn't do that to someone I loved so much. Lucas had moved on and I couldn't be the one to hold him in a past he believed he wanted.
"No Riley. Tonight, my home is here. So if you still love me then please don't make me leave my home. Don't make me leave you."
≪ ≫
I woke up with a heavy weight pressed against my chest. When my vision became less groggy, I realized that the weight was actually an arm and that arm belonged to Lucas. Last night's events were still blurry, partly because I was now hungover and partly because so much happened that my brain couldn't process it all.
The clock on my nightstand read 7:37 AM and I realized that I had to be at work in less than an hour and Lucas was sure to have had many missed calls and text messages from his parents, but more importantly, Faith.
"Lucas," I whispered. The Texan groaned softly and held me closer to his chest. It felt right — me being in his arms again, waking up next to him, finally getting a good night's rest. But I couldn't be that person. I couldn't be the person who ruined everyone else's life for her own selfish needs. I loved Lucas and that was why I had to get him back to Faith and make sure they were going to be okay.
"Lucas, come on. It's time to wake up."
"Riley... baby don't go. Five more minutes." My heart crumbled at the sound of the word "baby". It had been years since I'd heard that word fall from his lips and be directed towards me. I wanted to stay with him — for him to stay with me — and it wasn't as if he was making it easy for me to say goodbye. Plus, he said my name. He was thinking about me. He knew he was with me. I loved him. I loved him. I loved him.
"You have to go home now Lucas and I have to get ready." I hated myself for telling him to leave but I knew that if I didn't he would eventually realize the mistake we made and hate me; somehow, that was worse than never seeing him again.
The blonde slowly opened his eyes, still keeping his arm around me, and smiled when he saw my face.
"Good morning," he said. His eyes were still adjusting to the light but that only made him even cuter. He had a boyish, lopsided grin on his face as he stared at me. The green in his eyes were back to the color I was so used to seeing before. The beautiful, bright green that always lit up the room, regardless of how many lights there were.
"Morning. I have to get ready and you have to go home." I removed his arm around me and stood up to put distance between us. We couldn't be doing this. I couldn't allow myself to enjoy more than I already got. It was bad enough he spent the night, not informing his parents or fiancé, and I knew it was time for us to say goodbye and never see each other anymore.
"Riley..." I kept walking towards the bathroom, pretending to not hear him and his soft voice.
"Riley please stop for a minute." I knew I couldn't pretend as if I didn't hear him that time but nothing would change.
I almost made it to my bathroom until I felt his arms snake around my waist and hold me.
"Riley wait. I know what you're thinking—"
"No you don't Lucas. Please. Stop. We can't be doing this." It was hard saying "no" to the one person I loved and wanted to say "yes" to more than anything.
"I do though Riley," his lips were right next to my ear and I could feel his warm breath flow down my neck. "I know who you are. You're afraid that I'm going to see what happened last night as a mistake, even though we didn't really do anything. You're afraid that if you don't stop what's happening between us that we're going to keep seeing each other when all you wanted to do was forget about everything. I know you Riley."
None of the words he said processed correctly in my mind because I was still paralyzed by our proximity. But once I regained some consciousness, I realized that he was right. He did know me and I hated that. I hated how he knew me so well that at any given moment he could turn all my vulnerabilities against me. And I would still love him.
"Go home. You need to see Faith." Each time I told Lucas to leave and see Faith I knew I was suffering. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him with me. I wanted him to hold me. And kiss me. And love me. More than anything I wanted him to love me the way I did him.
"Why do you keep insisting I go back? Why don't you want me here? With you?" Lucas's voice was still soft but I could tell he was holding back sadness and anger.
"Because you're engaged. I told you I'll be okay. You love Faith now. I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy. And Faith makes you happy. Don't ruin that because of me." Before Lucas had any time to say something, I let his arms stay around my waist for a few more seconds, memorizing the feeling, and proceeded to remove them.
I quickly went inside the bathroom and shut the door, making sure to lock it so the blonde couldn't get in. It was for the best. When Lucas returned to his fiancé, he would realize how much he loved her and not me. I would eventually move on or at least stop moping and get on with my life.
I was going to be okay. I didn't have to be happy. I just needed to be okay.
❝ The heart will break, but broken live on ❞
— LORD BYRON
:-:-:-:
hi friends !! so i wanted to address some stuff just for like logic and reasoning.
so i know in the previous chapters lucas said he loved riley "like a sister" but obviously we all know that's not true. if you notice the first time he said he loved her (like a family member) it was in front of his parents i believe and obviously you're not gonna admit you still love someone in front of your parents plus when you're engaged and your parents love your fiancé. and the second time lucas said he loved/cared for riley, he didn't exactly get to say in what way because riley just jumped to the conclusion that it was a familial love.
so technically we don't entirely know how lucas feels right now but it's obvious he definitely cares about riley way more than a familial love which is why he keeps saying "i love you" in this chapter without adding the "like a family member/sister" this time. lucas is starting to realize that he loves riley and not just because she's his first love so he'll always love her, but he actually still loves her.
basically lucas is just very confused right now but it is safe to assume he loves riley (in a romantic way) which is why a large part of him didn't want to go back to faith and his parents. he missed being with riley. of course he loves faith but now that riley and him have spent this time together he realizes that he fell for her again (not that he ever stopped) and wanted nothing more than to be with her.
also riley and lucas do NOT sleep together. they only slept in the same bed. nothing else happened.
i hope this makes more sense in case any of you guys were wondering or care lol