I find myself being laid down on my bed, my back against the mattress. She's on top of me, my towel is coming loose around me.
She's kissing me, my heart beating out of control. I have my hand in her hair and the other on her lower back.
She breaks from the kiss and kisses down my neck, toward the top of my breasts which are now exposed. Her touch is making me let out strangled moans as she hears my body up in ways I've forgotten.
I strangle a moan as she starts to suck on the top of my breast, leaving small hickies. I tug at her hair slightly, I can feel her hot breath against my chest. Before it can go further, I hear the boys running down the hallway.
She sprints off me and I stand up, wrapping the towel around me again. She glances at the door, then at me. A small blush is starting to cover her cheeks. I give a small reassuring smile. Her step hesitates but she finally walks out of the room. I sigh and shake my head once she's out of the room.
I shouldn't be letting her do this. I shouldn't be doing this. I walk to my wardrobe, getting out some green boho harem tai pants and a black tank top out of my wardrobe. No need to look fancy when I'm just cooking at home.
I walk about out of my room, walking down the corridor back out toward the living room and kitchen. I glance over at the boys who are all playing games and watching cartoons whilst heading into the kitchen. Arizona is there waiting for me, stirring the pasta sauce and meat so it doesn't over cook. She has also put the pasta noodles in for me to give it a head start. I smile, grateful for her help. I stand next to her, my shoulder touching hers.
"Thank you for your help." I whisper softly into her ear.
"It's fine. Did you want to get plates down?" I nod and walk to get the bowls for the boys and plates for us two.
Once dinner is served and dished out, Arizona and I, eat at the dining table with the boys. They all start having a competition to see who can slurp up their pasta noodle the fastest.
It's quite fun to watch their shenanigans. My smile strains as I feel Arizona's knee press against mine under the table. Every time she touches me I have a mixture of guilt and of lust and it it tearing me apart tonight.
Once dinner is finished, I sit with the boys, they're playing snakes and ladders the board game in the lounge room on the floor while Arizona and I sit on the couch together.
"I don't think I could have gone through all of this without you." Arizona speaks softly to me. I rest my hand on her thigh and squeeze lightly to show her it's okay. All the while I won't face her. I can't face her.
She'll see the guilt and the pain that I'm feeling. I don't want to do this to her but I can't do this to myself. I'm not ready and that's all there is to it. I don't want her waiting around because that's cruel. It may take years before I'm ready.
"What's wrong?" She asks. I'm y heart beat increases and I turn to her, giving a strained smile.
"Nothing." I assure her. She gives me her signature 'doubt that' look but stops it.
My mind starts to get caught up in memories. They're all morphing together. All the memories and Arizona and I when I was finishing school and all the memories of my wife. I did this to Arizona the last time we broke up. It was me, because I was being selfish. Because i wanted to have fun and be a teen. I got scared and I left. Now she's back and I'm about to fuck it all up again.
-flash back-
"Why are you doing this?" Her voice is a shaky whisper.
She's sitting on the couch in her apartment lounge room. I have a bag full of my clothes ready to leave out the door. I can't do this anymore. I want to be able to focus on university, I want to get my degree and go into the police force. I want to be able to party and not have to constantly watch what I'm doing so I don't hurt her in any way. I lover her, but I'm not ready for this kind of love.
"I just can't do this right now. It's too early, I'm too young for this kind of relationship. Don't doubt that I love you. I do, but I know better than to drag you along when I'm not ready to settle down. You should find someone who is ready for that." I say, my back is still toward her as my hand is gripping the front door handle.
"I don't want anyone else. I love you." I can hear the pain in her voice. She's barely able to keep the tears in. I sigh, looking up at the white ceiling before closing my eyes, one tear falling from my eyes. I can't look back at her. If I do then I'll stay, if I stay then I'll resent her. I can't do that to her. I open the door, I'm half way out when I stop.
"I'm sorry." Is the last thing I say before I walk right out the door, closing it behind me.
I rest my head against the apartment door. My heart shattering as I hear her sob on the other side of the door.
"This is for the best." I murmur to myself before walking back down toward the lift and getting in.
-end flashback-
"Laura?" I turn to Arizona.
"Hm?" I ask, my mind wondering elsewhere.
"The boys were wondering if Justin can stay the night?" I turn to see the boys staring at me. I smile.
"Of course." I say to the boys.
"I guess I should go get some clothes for him." Arizona says.
"Don't worry. The boys have some pyjamas that are too big for them. They'll fit Justin just fine." I say turning to her. She smiles.
"I should go anyway. It's getting late." She says.
"You can stay here. I don't want you home alone, not after last time." I say seriously. She shivers at the mention of the last event. She nods her head.
"I'll get these boys sorted and off to bed then I'll get you some pyjamas." I say. She nods.
Standing up I lead the boys to their room, getting them changed as Justin changes in the bathroom. Once all of them are settled in bed, I read them a story and tuck them in. I walk out and down the corridor, Arizona sees me and stands up with an unsure smile, she follows me into my room, closing the door behind herself.
I rummage through my drawers. I can feel her eyes on me which is starting to make me feel some anxiety. She walks to me as she seems me rummaging through everything but not actually searching properly.
"Laura..." She takes hold of my elbow and makes me turn to her. I turn to her and I have to fight the urge to cry.
"What's wrong?" She asks. She pulls me into a hug, I'm gripping at her shirt. I shouldn't be. I should be crying on my own without her. I don't deserve her.
"Tell me what's wrong. Talk to me." She says soothingly. In that all too familiar teacher voice. The one is caring and soft but also has authority.
"You want to know what I was doing yesterday?" I ask after a while.
"What?" She asks. I pull away, looking at her in the eyes.
"Yesterday I got drunk, and started smashing things, broke the television. Because yesterday, marks six months since my wife died." I can see the pain and guilt the strikes along her face. She has nothing to feel guilty about. It's me who should be feeling guilty. And I do feel guilty.
"I can leave if you want." She says softly. Her hands are still around my waist as mine are around her neck.
"I want you to...but at the same time I don't. I know I'm not ready to move on. My mind is telling me it's too early but my heart is telling me to go for it and I don't know which one I'm meant to listen to." I say in honesty.
Arizona leans her forehead against mine. Bringing me closer to her. I can't help but feel my heart increase it's speed at how close our lips are.
I move in and press my lips to hers. I can't help it. I need her touch, her lips on mine seem to be about the only thing that calms me down. When I'm kissing her, I don't know whether I see clearer or if it clouds me more. All I know is that I love her.
The question is, is this love strong enough to help me overcome the pain of losing someone I loved. I move her back, until the back of her knees hit the edge of the bed and he sits down on it. I climb onto her lap, straddling her my legs on either side of her. She holds my hips, her hands becoming dangerously Low, she's almost grabbing my arse. Not that I minded. I push her down so she's laying on the bed, moving further up so her head is on the pillows. I kiss down her jaw and neck, earning a moan. With one hand I prop myself up a light and the other is used to start to unbutton her top.
She tugs at my hair as I trail kisses down to the start of her bra. I unclip the bra from the front her breasts exposed to me. I lick my lips, looking up at her one last time for reassurance before taking on nipple in my mouth, sucking and biting as I punch the other. She arches her back with a few gasps and moans from the mixture of pleasure and pain. I kiss down her stomach, loving how it dips when I get her sweet spot.
I unzip her skirt from the side, tugging it and her panties off I glance quickly at her. She's gripping the sheets, her head back and her eyes closed. I pick her legs open and insert two fingers. She stifles her moan and bites her lower lip as I pump her. Eyebrows furrowed from the feeling as her body starts to quiver. Dip down and take her nub in my mouth licking and sucking which sends her over the edge. Her body quivering as she pulsates and her legs want to close. Her stomach keeps tensing as I continue even though she's already cum. I finally pull away, showing mercy as she begs me, the feeling too overwhelming to handle. He body still quivering and pulsating even after I've detached myself.
I crawl back up to her, kissing her cheek then her lips. She wraps her arms around me, turning us so I'm below her. As she goes to undress me I stop her.
"No, don't. Just rest." She gives me her 'are you sure?' Look, I just smile and kiss her cheek.
She lays next to me and quickly falls asleep. As she does I lay awake, looking over at her I can't help the wave of guilt that hits me. What have I done?