Monday, June 11th, 2016
Bey's POV
I seriously did not feel like goin' to school, but finals. I did not see point takin' finals and shit when I've already been accepted to schools and made my committed to live ESPN. Out of all every single school I was accepted to, I narrowed it down to three school. Duke, UCLA, LSU.
It was one of the hardest decisions in my life, honestly. Duke was at the top of the list out of the three because of what they were offerin' me. Like, I'd start point guard or shootin' guard, whichever I chose but my family is here. I know that I should think of myself when it comes to these types of decision. I also know that I told myself that I'd runaway far away from LA if I got the chance, but that was when my life was complete trash.
Now, things are lookin' up for me. I know my parents are locked up but I can easily drive to the prison for visits. That'd be hard to do if I'm all the way in North Carolina or Louisiana. My family is everything to me and they're all here, except for Darian but it's four hour drive. It's nothin'.
My committment style was simple. I just picked the school's hat and placed it on my head. I selected USC'S revial school, UCLA. They rejected me, so now I will respond every single time UCLA and USC meet up for a game. USC will lose every game against us.
Matt chose UCLA, too, which made me happier about choosin' UCLA. He had a harder decision than I did. His reasonin' was because didn't want to leave Auntie G home alone as if she was [his] child. And he knows that me and him at the same school would be everything, plus, we always said that we would attend the same college.
First period, there was no final because of the last project. Second period, we had a final but it was so easy for me so I finished first and took a nap for the remainder of the class. Lord have mercy, I'm ready to go home. I was ready go home before I even got outta the bed.
"Today, we're just watching the news." My third period teacher spoke. "In case you forgot, that last ten-page paper was the final and I've already submitted your final grade." oh. I got a B+ on that paper. Some of the students groaned, they obviously failed. Welp! Sucks to suck! As long as you get a D in the class, you can still get your credits. They should be fine, unless they haven't done shit all year long.
"The search is on for the killer of a South Los Angeles teen." I heard the news reporter say. "Scott Martin is on the scene of where this senseless murder took place."
"Amanda, we can't tell you much about the murder of Amari," Scott said from the newsroom and my heart instantly sped up before droppin' down to my stomach. Amari???? No! Not my best bud! I can't jump to conclusion because that is a very common name here in LA. I don't know any other Amari's personally, but I've heard this name in many conversations in the last four years. Nah, it's not my best bud. He's in Riverside wit' his mom and her best friend. He's good. He wouldn't come back to LA for nothin'. This is probably about a girl named Amari. Yeah, most likely.
"This senseless murder has left South Los Angeles with nothing but pain and suffering."
"This is eighteen year old Amari Daniels and his mother." Scott said as a photo of my best bud and his mom appeared on the screen. Oh my God. Noo! The strings of my heart tore apart. My heart hurt severely as it pounded through my chest.
"I just wanna make my mom proud." I could hear him. My eyes filled wit' tears, blurrin' my vision. His poor mom. She lost all three of children to the streets and the gangs. Her youngest and only son, was murdered. God, I can't imagine what her heart feels like if mine is tearin' away string by string. This is gonna be tremendously hard for her.
"This is Amari's Aunt, Jessica Daniels, and her son- Amari's cousin, Jordan Daniels."
"My cousin, Amari, was more than just my cousin. He was like my brother, man." Jordan said as tears fell from his eyes. His voiced cracked wit' so much hurt and pain. It broke my heart even more.
"That was my big bro." He said tryin' so hard not to bawl his eyes out. "His heart was bigger than anybody I know. He would literally do anything for anybody he loved, cared for, or just...knew. He'd drop whatever he got goin' on to be there for you and help in any possible. I just wish he could pull up to crib and hop on the 2K wit' me." He paused then opened his mouth to speak again but closed because the pain was takin' over. I could see it in his eyes. His pulled him into her arms and held him as he cried on her shoulder.
"There won't be any more playing of videos," The news reporter said sadly as the photo of Amari and Jordan standin' in front of his mom's car was displayed. "There will only be sadness."
"My nephew wasn't perfect." Amari's aunt admitted painfully. "But he was turning things around, he was making a huge change- fast. He was so kind. He loved to play the drums and piano in church every Sunday. He loved to golf and he was so talented. These things were taken from him and it's just not fair. He didn't deserve this, no one does."
There was Amari's picture, he held the Build-A-Bear- "bananas and pajamas" in his hand. God, that freakin' smile. That smile that showed his perfectly straight, white teeth. In that picture, he was so happy. Genuinely happy, his eyes proved that. There was a twinkle in them. It put so much weight on my heart.
"It's so sad that his life was taken." Amanda, the black reporter said. "Amari Daniels was set to graduate from high school on June twenty-fourth. He was on his way to Fresno University on a full academic scholarship. He was an intelligent, good kid-" She continued but the other white man cut her off.
"Good kid?" The white male reporter sittin' beside her said as if it weren't true or he just refused to believe it. "Sources say that he was in a gang."
"Aye, man. Turn that off!" Matt demanded.
"Nah. Some of us want to watch it." A girl said wit' so much attitude.
"Outta respect for my sister, could you turn it off?" He asked politely but it didn't matter. I got up from my seat and walked outta the classes, leavin' my stuff there. I found a bench not too far from that class. I sat down and hunched over wit' my hands coverin' my face. All of the memories I shared wit' Amari came rushin' back. It was heavy. I cried, I bawled. I felt a pair arms wrap around me and pull me close. It was my brother, I knew it wit'out havin' to look up. He hugged me tightly as I let it out.
"It's not fuckin' fair!!" I shouted while cryin'. I don't even know why I was cryin'. I didn't deserve to be hurt by his death. I didn't have the right to shed a single tear. I didn't have that right simply because his death was my fault. I practically led his murderers to him when I visited. Livin' in this city- this neighborhood, I should've fuckin' known to not go see him. I should've known that I would be followed by those people. Yeah, Shawn's uncle said that I wouldn't be threatened or hurt, but that didn't mean that they couldn't follow me. I'm so fuckin' stupid.
What the fuck, man!
"This is all my fault!!" I shot him in that alley and let him to bleed out in the cold night air. I should be arrested for what I've done. I took a mother's only son from her causin' her heart break. I should be in jail. Lock me up, put me under the jail.
I let out a loud scream outta anger and frustration.
"What's goin' on out here?" I heard a woman's voice, but I couldn't bring myself to stop cryin'.
"What's wrong with her, Kenneth?" She asked.
"Her friend died." He answered softly. Amari is gone, and he's never comin' back. Shit. Those words in one sentence, it was lit like knives to my heart.
I can't breathe. Literally, I cannot breathe. I tried, but I couldn't.
"Gis, you okay?!" Matt panicked. I lifted my head and realized that there was a lotta teachers and students standin' around, just lookin' at me.
"Beyoncé, you have to relax and breathe." Ms. Maldonado said tryin' to calm me down. It was hard tryin' not to cry but still breathe at the same time.
"In through your nose and out through your mouth. Do it with me." She instructed. I tried my best but it wasn't workin' at all. I felt my body weakenin' by the second.
"Should I call 911?" Matt asked soundin' scared.
"No. We're gonna call the nurse over." Apparently, the nurse was dealin' wit'another student and couldn't come. I guess one of the teachers called before she did. When I opened my eyes, EMTs were hoverin' over me.
"Do you have asthma?" I slowly shook my head no. They continued to ask me questions and I either shook my head for "no" or nodded for "yes". A breathin' mask was placed over my mouth and nose. In a few short minutes, my breathin' was back to normal.
Fuck everything Fuck this school. Fuck graduation. Fuck this city. Fuck this state. Fuck society. Fuck the government. Fuck. Everything.
I was taken the hospital but to be further checked out by doctors. I tried to stop it but I had no choice. They took me to the hospital where Auntie G works. She was coincidently on a lunch break when I was brought in. This isn't her floor but she stayed wit' me and watch over the my doctors and nurses. I was only there for a few hours. Auntie took the rest of the day off and drove me home. She laid wit' me in my bed and let me cry as she rubbed my back. I ended up fallin' asleep, and when I woke up, Shawn was sittin' at the edge of my bed wit' back facin' me. I was so surprised that Auntie let him spend the night. I didn't even ask, but when she said to keep the door open, I knew what she was implyin'
--
"Beyoncé.." Auntie called my name softly. She stood behind me as I got ready for school. I'm wearin' a pair of black basketball shorts, white v neck, black Nike socks, and my Nike silies.
"You sure that you want to go to school? I think that you should stay home, baby girl."
"It's cool." I replied dryly.
"I can stay with home you, if you want." She politely offered.
"Nah.. That's okay." My voice cracked. It was hard to even finish my sentence. Sadly, she sighed.
"You sure?"
"...Positive." I pulled my hair to tighten it the ponytail. I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes are still red and very puffy. I'm runnin' on three hours of sleep. I can't stay home, because I have finals. Last two weeks of school.
I bit down on my bottom lip, as I looked down at my feet. Tears formed in my tears, and I felt so cold. How is it that it's nearly one hundred degrees, and I feel like I'm in an ice bath. In so much frustration, I sighed. Already I'm tired of cryin'. I spent last night cryin' into Shawn's chest. I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe. I don't want to sad and upset anymore. I just want to wake up and all of this is a nightmare.
After puttin' lotion on my arms and hands, I walked out of the bathroom. I went to the room to grab my phone and my backpack. Shawn is droppin' me off at school, and Matt is gonna take my car. When school is over, I'll drive my car back home. That's the plan that they came up wit' last night.
"You should stay home." Solange suggested sympathetically.
"I still have to get my education." I replied not even looking at her. As much as I want to stay home and cry, I can't. I got what I needed and left the bedroom.
"You ready?" I asked Shawn.
"Yeah." He answered as he stood up from the couch and grabbed his phone and keys.
"Call me if you need anything, Bey." I heard auntie say as I was walkin' out. Shawn unlocked and opened the passenger door for me, and I got inside.
The ride to school was quiet. No music, and no conversation. I looked outta the window, and my mind went crazy. I was tryin' to relax and not cry anymore. It didn't work for anything in this world. Silently, I cried. Shawn grabbed my hand, and caressed it wit' his thumb. It kinda helped me a little. Not like I wanted, but it did. Just knowin' that he's here helps.
"Hey." I heard Shawn's soft voice. Slowly, I turned my face to look at him.
"I know it's the last thing you wanna hear, but it gets better. It takes time. It's gonna hurt for a long time, but eventually... It's gets easier." I looked in his eyes, and knew that he was speakin' from experience. He got outta the car, and opened my door. I stepped outta the car. 'Til the school bell rang, I buried my face into his chest as we hugged up against his car door.
"Want me to pick you up after school?"
"If you want to." I shrugged my shoulders.
"If you want to be alone, that's fine. I'll give you your space."
"I don't think I need to be alone."
"Sometimes that's what helps. Sort out your thoughts and just think."
"I'd rather not be alone wit' my thoughts."
"I really want you to go back home."
"I can't."
"I know." He sighed. "I'ma be here at two- thirty. Same spot. Aight?" I looked down at my shoes. I didn't want him to see me cry anymore.
"Kay." He gently held my chin and lifted my head.
"You're the strongest person that I know."
"I'm not that strong." I said quietly.
"You are." He reassured. "You don't know how strong you are until givin' up isn't a choice."
"I gotta go."
"Call me if you need anything. No matter what it is. Call me." He pulled me into a hug and rubbed my back. I really wanted to stay right I was, but I couldn't so I pulled away.
"I love you." He told me.
"Love you, too." A kiss was on my forehead, and I walked to class. I got there just in time, because my teacher was gettin' ready to close the door. Lucky for me, I don't have final for this class.
Throughout the day people stared at me, apologized, offered condolences, and stuff. It was weird and kinda annoyin', but I appreciated it. Especially from the people that I hardly ever talked to.
Friday, June 18th, 2016
Amari Jerome Daniels.
Sunrise, January 8th, 1996. Sunset, June 11th, 2016.
Sayin' goodbye is the hardest part. Harder than realizin' that they're no longer here. Harder than anything you could ever imagine. You have to make yourself understand that you will no longer see this person. All of the times that you two once shared, good times or bad times. You have to know that you'll never be able to create more memories or reminisce wit' that person. It's such a hard a pill to swallow.
Amari was tryin' to do the right things. He was tryin' change his life. All he wanted to do was make his mother proud. He was a good kid wit' great intentions, but unfortunately... he got caught up in his surroundings and they chose his destiny.
Every day since then, I went through a few different stages I went through the stage of not believin' that my best buddy wasn't here anymore. I couldn't believe it. In my mind, it was impossible for him to leave this earth. I went through the "I hate God, why did he let this happen" stage. I went through it all. I seriously blamed myself for his death. It was my fault. I shouldn't have gone to see him. Thankfully, my support system let know that there was nothin' that I could do to stop this. Before Amari was even born, God chose his life to teach me a lesson. His life was planned out and my "help" wasn't goin' to stop it. It was inevitable. I had to know that.
I tried. I fought so hard for his life and it pains me to see my buddy in that casket. I don't care what he did or didn't do, that was my buddy. If
"If you went to school with Amari, I want you to stand up. If you hung with him, stand up. All the teenagers in this church, stand up." A Spanish man said as he stood in front of the mic. Every single one of friends stood up, includin' me, Matt, Solangeand Shawn.
"Amari had two weeks until he would receive his diploma. This young man worked hard every day that he was in school. He has more than enough credits. I would like for you clap for him and cheer him as you would at his graduation because we are giving him an honorary diploma."
Just like we would at his graduations, we clapped for him. It was just different. It was a silent, bittersweet applause. It brought tears to my eyes. The man walked over to his Ms. Daniels and gave her his diploma. She pulled him into a tight hug. It was so beautiful.
One Sweet Day by Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey began playin' and I knew that it was time to carry the casket out. My heart started beating fast as the casket got closer to me. My tears fell harder and faster. I didn't even bother to wipe face. What would be the point?
Since I'm in the middle of Shawn and Matt, they both grabbed one of my hands. Once the casket was outta the church, we exited aisle by aisle. No one really said anything. The limos and cars were loaded, ready to go say goodbye. Shawn decided to be the designated driver. I sat in the front seat while Matt and Solange sat in the back. Wit' the police escortin' us, we headed to the graveyard. The closer we got, the sadder I became. I knew this was it.
I had to say goodbye to my best buddy. The mean boy with the high-pitched voice that I once had a crush on. The little boy I saw in church every Sunday playin' the drums. The guy that had been there for me at the drop of a dime. The guy that I could relate to and that understood me like no one else. The best bud that was patient wit' me. The best bud that has helped me understand what I never wanted to understand. I had to let him go. I had to let him be the angel on my shoulder. He had to fly home and I had to be ready to let him. Truth be told, I'm not ready.
Everyone stood around his casket on the crate thing that will lift him and place him in the wall. The pastor prepared to speak.
"Every morning when we wake up, we know that you are gone. And no one knows the heartache as we try to carry on. Our hearts still ache with sadness. What it meant to lose you, no one will ever know." He paused and I looked down wiping my face. Shawn grabbed my hand and interlocked our fingers.
Slowly, Amari's casket was risin'. Very slowly.
"Our thoughts are always with you, your place no one can fill. In life, we loved you dearly, in death we love you still." I looked over at Ms. Daniels and she broke my heart. She didn't cry but I know that she has a ton of bricks on her heart.
"There will always be a heartache, and often a silent tear, but always a precious memory of the days you were here. If tears could make a staircase, and heartaches make a lane, we'd walk the path to heaven and bring you home again." I sighed deeply.
"We hold you close within our hearts, and there you will remain, to walk with us throughout our lives until we meet again. The chain is broken now, nothing will be the same, but as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again." He finished and looked around at us.
"Beautiful words written by his best friend. Words that are very much true. As much as we do not want to, we have to say goodbye. Amari will be the angel on each and every one of your shoulders, guiding you in your lives. He is in a much better place. There is no pain, there is no suffering."
Ms. Daniels asked me to be a part of his home goin'. Whether it was a photo of us or a few words, she just wanted me to be a part of it. I decided to write this poem, but she also put me in photo collage.
The doves that were in the cage was released and Amari's casket was placed in the wall. Little by little, people disappeared. I walked over to his mom once she was alone. She immediately grabbed my hands and pulled me into a warm, tight hug.
"Thank you much so much." She said gratefully through her pain.
"Why are you thankin' me?" I asked confusedly. I mean, I know she appreciated the six hundred dollars that I raised by goin' around school, askin' for donations. Plus, I dipped into my savings and gave it to her. She needed it and I was happy to give it to her. She didn't need to thank me for that. She honestly should've known that I would help her out.
"This wouldn't be possible if you weren't for you." She told me. "You are such a beautiful angel. My son adored you so much. I know you know."
"I know." I confirmed, noddin' my head.
"I knew that these streets, the gangs.." She turned her to the left and I saw the anger come over her. I looked in the direction she looked and saw the two boys that keep pressin' me about Mari's whereabouts. They stood kinda far away from us all. They stood wit' a tall muscular man. That must be Shawn's uncle? The two boys were smirkin' at me while the uncle was lookin' at his phone. They took a mother's only son away and they have the nerve to show the burial. That's the sickest thing one can do. I honestly feel bad for them. They don't enough love in their pathetic lives. It saddens me, truly.
"History repeats itself. I knew that they would they would take my baby boy. I felt like it was coming soon because everything was just too good. Beyoncé, you gave me a few more weeks with my child, and I want to thank you. Thank you so much." She said broken-heartedly, claspin' her hands together.
"I want to thank for you what you've done with him." She begin to cry silently. "You spent so much extra time with Amari. When he was usually with those crip gang boys, he was with you. You helped him get his community service hours and more than enough credits in school. I know that he can't get it now, but a high school diploma was becoming far-fetched. He wouldn't have gotten if it weren't for you. Thank you."
"No need to thank me... If there's anything that you need, let me know. I know that there's not much that I can do, but if I can I will."
"Oh sweet heart.." She hugged me once more. As we pulled away, the ones that took Amari's life walked over to us.
"Ma'am," The one wit' braids said pretendin' to be sad said. "I'm really sorry about your loss."
"Yeah, my condolences." The other one said to me then chuckled. What a sick little punk ass bitch. I opened my mouth to speak but Shawn beat me to it. He and Matt stood in front of me and Ms. Daniels. I guess they told Solange to stay over there.
"Tone, what is this?" Shawn asked confusedly, yet in disbelief that he'd actually do this. "What are you doin' here?"
"Just givin' my condolences to this woman and her family." He said as Amari's cousins gathered around.
"C'mon, man." Shawn said. "Let his family say goodbye in peace. This is ain't right."
"Who are you?" I heard Jordan asked the three responsible for Amari's death.
"Ask Amari- oh, wait.." The one wit' braids said then laugh. Jordan tried attack him but Matt held back while Shawn tried to calm the rest of Amari's cousin down. They all realized that these guy killed their cousin. They weren't in gangs but they weren't gonna let that insensitive comment go.
"May God have mercy on your souls." Ms. Daniels said once Shawn got everyone to quiet down.
"Let's go." Shawn's uncle said to his mini me's and they walked off. I turned to Ms. Daniels and hugged her after apologizin' for what just happened. She asked me to ride in the limo with her to the repass, and I did.
What a day. What a freaking day.