I honestly really just want to be in a relationship. I want to kiss someone. I want to flirt with someone and be silly but happy and I want to trust someone. I want to be playful and intimate and romantic and loving. I want to share my heart with someone because I just can't contain all of the love that's begging to be released.
I love being in a relationship. I love it. And as much as a tiny part of me likes the mystery of perhaps getting hit on the next time I go to the mall or maybe drawing someone's attention, I love being in a committed relationship so much more.
Over the course of this breakup, I've learned that it's truly a roller coaster. For the past few weeks, I've been at a low point – I couldn't stop thinking about you, and honestly, I didn't really want to.
But now I've hit an all time high. My breath no longer catches when I see your face in my snapchats. I don't yearn for contact with you every moment of the day. My eyes don't light up when you text me. I don't want you anymore.
But I want someone.
I've developed a crush on a boy I've created in my own head. Of course he exists, but I'm sure he's not all that I've imagined. And that's okay. He distracts me from you.
I keep trying to start up a conversation with him. He's friendly and absolutely adorable. He also lives even further away than you do – not ideal. But in my head, he's perfect. And I long for him.
Not you.
I just feel so much love bubbling up in my heart but I have no one to share it with. I get butterflies every time I watch a couple kiss on TV because I want that so badly.
And for the first time, it's not out of spite. It's not to make you jealous.
It's to make me happy.
I know this breakup is a roller coaster. And I'm sure it'll take me back down at a speed much too quick for my liking and perhaps make me a little nauseous and a lot scared, but I'm at the highest point now than I've ever been. Perhaps I'm nearing the end, where I can finally unbuckle and get off this ride.
I just have so much love in me but I don't know what to do with it. It's not like I have any friends to share it with. And you're not here anymore. And boys don't like me.
And no one really likes me.
But I just want to make people happy.
The reason I always put so much effort into giving presents is because I just have so much love for people and I want to share it. And I want to make people happy. But I also want to get something back sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes.
But I never do.
I just want to be loved. And I want to love someone else. And I want them to want my love. And I guess I got my hopes up and put too much pressure on this one opportunity, this one guy, and when it failed it felt like I failed. I'm sad. And I'm lonely.
And I just want to be wanted.