Depression

Wondering

I no longer know who I am. Nicole? Who's that? I have no control over my body anymore. I don't think I can take it anymore. I'm tired of feeling scared, scared of myself. I don't know what or who I've become. I've pushed everyone away, told them to get out of my life, but not with words, simply with my actions. I no longer wish to live anymore, and this time I don't think anythings going to stop me. This isn't some silly "teenage phase" okay! I hate when people say that because they have absolutely no idea what I've been through. My parents divorced when I was around 7, and a new women came into my dad's life when I was 8. It was hard to imagine my dad being with someone else, eventually I accepted it. I blame myself everyday for what happened. I always caught them fighting, and I thought it was because of me. They say it wasn't, but truly I think this. They've had problems even before me, but I just added more problems to them by being born, like I was this big thing that drove them apart. It made me very sad. When I was in the 5th grade I was almost bullied to death. I remember thinking, "why is she doing this, and why me?" I never understood why she did it. To this day I still don't. I felt so horrible about myself, the things that they would call me. Fat, ugly, whore, emo, bitch, slut, freak, stupid, worthless, useless, unloved, an outcast... They said I had aids and that I had rabies. I knew everything they said wasn't true. I knew I wasn't fat, but I couldn't help but to believe it. 5th grade was when everything went downhill. I started cutting, I had anxiety, I was never eating, which made me anorexic, I tried to kill myself, I cried myself to sleep hoping that I'd be put out of my misery, I had depression, well I still do to this day. Almost 5 years of my life I was sad and lonely. I never had anyone to talk to, not that it mattered since I was a very closed person. I felt so worthless and I wondered why I was even born, sometimes I wished that I was never brought to this world. That would of made everyone's lives so much easier. I'm a disappointment to everyone. But for a period of time I was decently okay. But that didn't last very long. I stopped cutting for almost a year, but then I started again and it got worse and worse from there. My eating disorder never went away, it only got worse. It stared off eating just a little bit, then not eating for a few days, eventually it was weeks that I went without food, then when I would give in and feel really guilty afterwards, then I found of a new way to loose weight. Throwing up my food, so now it's not just anorexia but bulimia as well. Pretty soon I'm going to die, maybe I will finally be in peace. I sure do feel like death. I don't think I was meant for living.