June 25, 2010 is the day is the day I lost my life. I've been bound to this hospital bed for 3 months now, the nurses have to feed me through a tube, and change my catheter every few hours, I can't move, and I can't tell my mother how thankful I am for her being by my side every day. The day I was shot I died and came back to life, if that's what you want to call it, I'm lying in this hospital bed on life support, only to hear people coming in and out, I wish I could go back and change how I lived my life before all of this happened. Every day I listen to my mother hold on to hope, I hear her open the bible and pray for me every morning when she arrives, every evening when they bring me lunch, and every night before she leaves. No matter what I did my mom was by my side, and now she's hurting that here little boy is lying in a bed damn near dead, and it hurts because it's my fault.
Growing up I always knew I was talented, I kept my head held hide with pride, and I had it all. I could sing, dance, rhyme, and everybody loved me, well everyone except Jaquan Jacobs. Jaquan hated me because my mom made sure I had the nicest things, he came from a low income family so he got teased a lot. I didn't condone the teasing, but I also couldn't stop it, he hated me because everyone loved me. January 15, 1982 our school had a talent show, we were in the 7th grade, I sang and danced of course and Jaquan and his best friend Raymond did a dance routine, when it came to a winner it was between the three of us. I stood up there nervous as ever, I couldn't lose to nobodies, they finally announced that I was the winner and I was sure to rub it in their faces. When school is over and everyone was walking home Jaquan came behind me and pushed me, I fell on my face. I'd never been in a fight before so I didn't know what to do I can say he really kicked my ass, and I went home to my mom crying. When I got there she asked me what happened, after that she sent me to kick boxing classes I was happy about this because now I had more things to throw in Jaquan's face about what I could do, and the next time he decided to lay a finger on me I could kick his ass. My mom always tried to put me in manly sports because she felt I was to feminine, but I couldn't change myself because I loved the skin I was in. I loved who I was but I knew I had to hide it from everyone else or they would judge me.
12th grade year my mom lost her job and we fell on hard times, I finally knew how Jaquan felt all those years. My mom losing her job actually made Jaquan and I really close, he didn't judge me, like we judged him in the past, he helped me deal with it. Part of him showing me how to deal with it was showing me "how to be a man and take care of my momma." He told me he went to the streets when he got tired of all of us teasing him, I always though his mom got a better job and started buying him things, I thought wrong. Jaquan was running the streets to help him mom make ends meet, and now he was teaching me to do the same. He didn't know who his dad was, and my dad left me and my mind behind because "I was too much of a female to be his son." One night Jaquan and I stayed out late to make extra money and some guys tried to rob us, I'm not going to lie I was scared for my life. Jaquan pulled out his gun quicker than the guy with the gun to my head could pull the trigger and shot him in the foot, we took off running, he said for us not to split up. He ran and I followed behind him, we ran all the way to his house, his mom wasn't home she was at the strip club dancing that night. "Thanks for saving my ass bro" I say trying to sound hard, "No problem he says", without thinking I leaned in a kissed him on the lips. "What's wrong with you nigga I'm not gay" Jaquan yells, "Me either my bad I don't know where that came from" I say back, "I'm going to head home not". He stops me, it's not safe out there tonight call your mom and tell her you staying over tonight. I couldn't believe it, he didn't kick me out, and he just shook it off that fast? Maybe this was a thing but he was too afraid to come out about it, I wasn't going to push him though. He walked in his room to head to bed and I fall asleep on the couch. That night while I was asleep I was lusting for him, in my dream we were doing things that was supposed to happen between and man and woman, not man and man. My whole life I knew I was different, but I couldn't put a finger on what made me different from the other guys; but tonight it was confirmed I loved men.
The next morning I wake up early to go home and get ready for school, I wake Jaquan up to let him know I'm leaving, he stops me "Bro; don't ever speak on what happened last night" I agreed and walked out. I walk home, as soon as I step in the door my mom is yelling at me "Trey you had me scared to death you couldn't call me, send me a text to let me know you were alright? You all I got boy I can't lose you." She began to cry" I'm sorry momma I was at work," I dig in my pockets and give her money I made last night "Make sure you pay all the bills" I wipe her tears and hug her. "You never told me where you work, how u making all this money Trey? "I lie to her and tell her I was doing singing, sometimes dancing gigs for money, she believed me and left it at that. I go in the bathroom to take a shower, while I'm In the shower all I could think about was Jaquan, before I knew it I was touching myself, when I realized I stopped immediately. "I can't be gay" I said to myself, I was confused on why I was having these feelings; I had to get myself together before I went to school. I step out of the shower and head to my room to get dressed, I turn on my "TRAP" music to get me back in my zone, to remind myself imam block boy, I can't like another man. After I'm done getting dressed I throw on my chain, and I head out to school.
The entire day I avoid Jaquan so I can stay focused at school, so my mind wouldn't roam like it did this morning in the shower, or like last night in my dream. I go to class and do all my work, Jaquan and I had a couple of classes together but I always had my head in the books, I had to make something of myself because I knew I had the potential. After each class we had together I didn't stay back to talk I went to my next class, I sat by myself at lunch. After school I was making my way to our block to start my hustle, Jaquan is a little behind me "Yo T wait up" he yells, I keep walking like I don't hear him. "T, T" he yells, I stop when he gets to me he asked my was I avoiding him because of what happened last night, I act confused as if I had no clue what he was talking about. "don't act like I didn't notice you avoiding me today, you not being yourself, I told you I won't tripping over the shit you my bro we good" I brush him off and told him we'll talk later. It was a cold night at Jaquan lived further than I did from the block "bro u think I can crash at your house tonight, in freezing I don't think I'll make it all the way him" I told him it was fine. "I don't want my mom to know I'm out here pushing rocks, I told her I'm doing gigs for the money so stick to that story ok?" he gives me his word and we walk to my house.
I turn the key to the house and open the door, my mom was in the living room waiting for me as usually " Hey ma Jaquan is staying with us tonight its too cold for him to walk home" she agrees, tells us goodnight and goes to bed. We head to my room, I told him he could sleep on the other end of the bed, or make a pile on the floor. I take off my clothes and get in bed; I'm not sure why I was so tired tonight but as soon as I laid down I K.O. Its 3 in the morning and I'm woken up by this wonderful feeling, I try to get up but the feeling has me numb, I open my eyes and I see Jaquan going down on me, I close my eyes and open them back because I think I'm dreaming again. When I open my eyes he's still there, he comes up and starts kissing me, and before I know it I'm returning the favor. I'm not sure what happens next; all I remember is waking up the next morning feeling wonderful. I get up and Jaquan is gone, I'm not sure how to feel. I pick up my phone and I see a text from him "i didn't want to wake you up but I'm home getting read, see you at school." I smirk. I'm not sure why but my heart sinks, and I snap back to reality, how do I tell my mom that I have feelings for a man, how do I tell my mom what just happened. I know I can never tell anyone about this I have to keep this strictly between us, and I know the feeling was mutual with him. Everyone thought of Jaquan as this hardcore thug and if they knew he was gay/bi nobody would respect him.
When we get to school, I try to make myself look at a woman to see if I felt the same way. I looked a Niki the girl with the biggest ass in school, then Tina the girl with the biggest breast, and then Megan, she was just beautiful, but I felt no attraction towards any of them. At this moment I knew there was no hope for me, I wasn't bisexual I was full blown gay, but I still couldn't tell anyone. Once again in the classes I had with Jaquan I kept my head in the books didn't even look his way. I knew he would come sit with me at lunch so I sat at a vacant table "what was last night about" I ask, "I'm not sure, I just get this feeling when I'm around you, but nobody can know" he say. I let him know that I agree, my mom faith in god was so strong and shell probably beat me to death with the bible if she found out. "We need to get girlfriends to cover this up, so nobody will ever suspect anything" I tell him. I look around for Niki, everybody already suspect that I'm gay, but if I have a girl with a fat ass that will throw them off, I finally find her and tell Jaquan to act as my wing man. Jaquan walks up to Niki "wassup Niki my boy over there has his eyes on you, what you think about giving him a chance? Niki giggles and hands Jaquan a paper with her number on it to give to me; I fake a smile and wink at her. Jaquan was very popular ever since he started slanging rocks and taking care of himself, so why not go for Megan the prettiest girl in school, he walks up to her "Hey baby, how about you let me take you out tonight?" I see her smiling like she was talking to a celebrity and I knew she told him yes, the games were now on. Than night we went on a double date, we had to make a good first impression so we could keep them around long enough until we were ready to come out together.
A couple of months had past and our relationship was perfect, I loved him but I was scared to tell him because I wasn't sure if he felt the same way. Our relationships with the girls were good too, we treated them like queens, took them out every weekend, got their nails done every week, they felt like they were in heaven. It was the week after graduation, so the girls planned on having a girls weekend to themselves, so Jaquan and I planned a "men's weekend" also, little did they know this was our little get away. I couldn't wait to have Jaquan all too myself again, those nice bold arms, taffy colored skin, and those juicy lips, this weekend was all I could think about. Us being together also made me wonder if the girls were doing the same as us, hell if they were I didn't care, I lose my train of thought when Jaquan comes running up to me "bro we gotta go" I was confused "go where?" I asked, "It's the girls nail day you forget?" I snap out of it, "oh yea lets go get them." We walk to Jaquan's house to pick up his moms car, she told us we could use it for the day after we get the car we go to pick up the girls and drop them off at the nail shop. After we drop them off we go to the mall to get outfits for our "Men's weekend."
Finally it was time for our weekend we were the freshet guys out. We call an uber to pick us up and take us to a hotel; we have fake ids to book a room. Once we get a room and get settle in we get dressed and start calling around to find gigs, a local club celebrity couldn't make it and they needed someone to fill in, we called just in time. We head to the club, this was certainly a night we would never forget, I up to sing with Jaquan by my side rapping, and the crowd loved us. The more they got hyped up the more hype we got. After we finished performing we went to go sit and talk, we were both excited because it was the first time we had performed since our elementary talent show., before we knew it a guy walked up to us telling us how much he enjoyed us and how everyone would love to see more of us. This really got us excited; he gave us his card and told us to call him when we felt we were ready. We leave the club and go back to our hotel room, still extra excited; I grabbed Jaquan and gave him the biggest hug. When I let him go he gave me a hard smack on the ass, and pulled me close again and kissed me" I can see us living like this, making legit money together instead of being on the corner" he said. I can't help but switch the subject "Jaquan I love you, I've been scared to tell you because I wasn't sure you felt the same" "well I love you too and I thought the same thing" he says. "So when can we come out I don't want us to be a secret anymore" I tell him, "Look I'm not ready for all of that just work with me" I agreed and dropped the subject. That night in the hotel was awkward we barley talked, I didn't know how to feel so I went to bed early. Saturday was our last night, and the guy from last night called us to come see him today, we get dressed and call an uber to pick us up. "I hope what I said last night didn't change anything, I'm just not ready for all the judgment growing up I had to deal with it and these last few years it feels great to have everyone off my back" "it's cool" I say. We get to the studio, where he asked us to meet him and he asked us to "show him more", I start singing whatever comes to my head, and Jaquan started to free style, this guy loved us, his smile was lighting up the room, Jaquan and I were a good ass team. The entire song was a love story about us, and this man didn't even know. "Who are you" I asked him "you just gave us your number not a name "I say. "You mean you don't know me? I'm the biggest producer in Atlanta, Drew Valentine." My mouth drops to the ground, he laughs "I've heard of you, I just never knew what you looked like" I explain, he smiles "its cool youngen" he says. "You to really have talent and I love how you collaborate together y'all should think of becoming a group and come make some money with me" he says. We tell him we need a couple of days to talk about it and that we would be getting back with him soon.
Sunday morning we call an uber to get us back home, we get dropped off at Jaquan's house, his mom was home for once and we told her about our weekend and our performance, she wasn't happy about us getting fake ids to get into the club, but she was happy our talent was finally being noticed. "Before we agree on anything boys "she turns to me? "We need to talk to your mom, I know y'all grow but you need to see how your mom feels about it." She drives all three of us to my mother's house, I walk in and my mom greets all of us with a warm hug "how was your weekend away?" she asked. "it was amazing" I tell her, then I get into the details about us meeting Drew Valentine and how he wanted us to work with him, my mom cried happy tears " I'm so proud of you boys" she says while wiping her tears. She turns and looks at Jaquan's mom Ms. Tonya and says to us "go make us proud". We leave our mom on the couch in the living room and go to my room, we were so excited, "we did it I say, I knew one day wed make it off the block." Jaquan comes and hugs me, and looks me in the eyes "our first show is when I want us to come out as a couple" he says, "are you sure?" I ask. I'm not going to push you to do anything you're not ready to do, we can take it slow. "It's fine, I just want us to tell our moms first so they won't be caught off guard" he says. My heart sinks, if my mom ever found out she would hate me, she loved god to much for her son to be a faggot, and I still agree and tell Jaquan ok even though I had no plans on telling my mom anytime soon.
Two week past now and we finally get back with drew and tell him we are ready to start making money, we both are happy to finally get off those cruel streets. He told us that he found a charity for us to perform at next Friday and that we should put a song and dance routine together, we start immediately. The day comes and we both are too confident to be nervous, we get on that stage with the biggest smile on our faces, ladies loved Jaquan so we decided to do a song for the ladies, the ladies loved my voice and went crazy for Jaquan's verses. For our first real performance I think we had the perfect amount of energy, I was just scared to see what drew would say about it. He meets us after the performance, he was so hyped up "y'all were great, the ladies loved y'all" he said, "get ready to make a lot of money." At this moment I knew we could only go up from here. We didn't get paid for this gig because it was a charity event, but it was great for us to come out and let people know who we were. Before we knew it people were all over us on social media, it was a great feeling, especially when you at the top with the person you love, you don't have to worry about going on tour and the other being home cheating, because we would tour together. We did gigs 3 times a week, and made decent money, we fixed our moms houses up, bought them everything they could ever want.
It's been 3 years now and we still hadn't had a big enough function to come out yet, and it just wasn't the time, our moms had gotten very close and began to love each other like sisters, and my mom treated Jaquan as her son as his mom treated me as hers'; I guess you could say we were one big happy family. Just when I was about to lose hope Drew called us and told us we got nominated for the best male group award, we were more than surprised, we were the newest group out, even if we didn't win this was huge. We decided to finally tell our moms about or relationship because if we were in fact the winner of the award we were going to come out. The next day we plan a family meeting at my mom's house, our moms had no clue what was in store for them. We sit them on the couch I start off "Mom?" I say, "Yes baby what wrong?" she ask, "me and Jaquan are more than friends" I tell her, she laughs. "Well of course y'all are, y'all are as close as brothers", I look down "Mom it's more than just that, I love him we wanted to tell you guys to day so you wouldn't found out with everyone else." Jaquan's mom doesn't look surprised at all "trey from the day I met you I knew you were gay, and I knew you had something for my son, I never thought he was gay until I saw the way he looked at you" she says "I don't care what y'all are you both are grown, if your happy I'm happy" she says. My mom couldn't hold it in any more "Happy?, I don't give a damn about happy, this is not gods will, I rebuke it" she screams, she started to pray "God please lay your hands on my boys for they have sinned, please take all the devilish things away from them and guide them back to you will", I interrupt ; mom this is me you and I both have known for a while we just couldn't face the reality, I'm comfortable with who I am now and I will no longer hide in my skin I'm free and I'm happy." "all I can do now is pray for my sons she say, I love you both dearly and I hate that y'all chose this road" Ms. Tonya gets up and hugs my mom "our boys will be fine" she assured her. We got to my room and start to prepare a speech just in case we do when, I meant the ladies loved us so it's a 50/50 chance we would bring that award home. He tells me the night we come out is the night he wanted to go all the way, I wasn't too sure about it but we had to try one day; I mean we were gay.
Today was the big day, we practice our speech everywhere, and my mom prayed everywhere we went. Time was sneaking up on us it was just one hour until the award show started, thank god we didn't have to perform because I was too nervous to do anything tonight. We sit in our seats anxiously waiting for the best male group award to come, I swear I thought we were sitting there for an hour, finally we hear "and the best male group award goes too" I almost pissed in my pants waiting for our names to come out "Jaquan and Trey !!" we jump up out our seats. We walk up to the mic, I let Jaquan do all the talking " first off we want to say thank you to our moms for always pushing us to bet the best we could be, second thank you to our fans" he says " Trey and I would like to announce something special tonight, we are not just a group were a couple" so many people were clapping and cheering for us, then all of a sudden I saw the security guy pulling out his gun as he yelled "Faggs" and I jumped in front of Jaquan and got stung right in the chest with a bullet.
All I see is ambulance and cops lights before I lose consciousness, "Baby stay with me" Jaquan cried, I tried my hardest not to pass out but I couldn't help it I was losing too much blood. After while I couldn't even here anymore, "March 28, 2010" I heard my mother say, I figured she was saying the dates in case I could hear he I would know the dates. I heard her praying the entire day, Ms. Tonya came to see me too and I her momma says the flowers she brought with her was beautiful. "This was nothing but the Devils work" I hear my mom say, and at this moment I truly believe the same thing. My mom, Jaquan and Ms. Tonya have been here every day praying for our family, but the prayers didn't work 3 months latter June 25,2010 god decided my time was up, I sinned far too much, and too long for god to leave me here on earth. I felt my soul leaving my body the day I died, I was finally at peace I knew whatever decision god made for me I couldn't question because he is "the king of all kings."