C17: Something
Nanatili siyang gulat na nakatingin sakin samantalang ako ay naghihintay ng sagot sa kanya. Kusa na lang akong pumasok sa loob ng bahay nila at dun ulit nagsalita.
"Bakit hindi mo sinabi sakin na hindi ka pala nakatira sa subdivision na iyon?!" She was interrupted out of her reverie and her face suddenly ashen.
"D-Dale, I can explain that-"
"Damn right I need an explanation! Wala ka pa talagang planong sabihin sakin. Halos magda-dalawang buwan na kitang hinahatid!" I was fuming mad with her. Feeling ko nga pinagtaksilan niya ako at inuto... not to mention na baka may nangyaring masama sa kanya dahil sakin.
"Hindi ko naman gusto yun-"
"Dalawang buwan yun, Carmeen. Dalawang buwan!" bulyaw ko saka nagmura. I heard her gasped.
"Y-You cursed," nanginginig niyang saad. Tsk, so what if I cursed? Oo, hindi ko hilig ang magmura at hindi rin ako nagmumura pero hindi ko mapigilan dahil sa kanya. She is an exception to this.
"Bakit kailangan mo pa kasing magsinungaling?! Ginagago mo ba ako, ha? Nakakabwisit!"
"Dale..."
Napasabunot ako sa buhok. "At bakit hindi ka pumapasok ng walang paalam? Do you know how your friends are worried about you? Marami ka ng namiss sa mga klase niyo at heto ka, ni hindi man lang nag-aalala na idrop ka ng adviser niyo. Wala ka ba talagang pakielam?"
Nanahimik kami. Hindi siya makasagot o ni makatingin sakin. Nakayuko lang siya samatalang ako pinapakalma ang sarili ko dahil nasobrahan yata ako sa galit. Pumikit ako sandali at huminga ng malalim.
When I calmed a bit, I heard a sob. Tiningnan ko siya-- damn it! She was crying. Bigla akong nataranta. Bigla-bigla na lang siyang iiyak. Hindi pa nga ako tapos na sermunan siya.
Lumapit ako sa kanya at iniangat ang kanyang mukha. I saw her face covered up with tears already. "Bakit ka umiiyak?"
Tinabig niya ang kamay ko at tinakpan ang kanyang mukha gamit ang kamay niya. Napapahikbi na rin siya nang malakas.
Hindi na ako nakapagpigil at hinapit siya palapit sakin para mayakap ko siya nang mahigpit. I let her face be buried on my neck as she cried her heart out. I even caressed her hair slowly until she calms down. I shush her by whispering in her ear saying, "I'm sorry..."
Ang pinakaayaw ko pa naman ay makakita ng babae na umiiyak. It's like seeing my sister and mom in pain. Ayoko ring ang dahilan ng pag-iyak nila ay lalake. So as much as possible, I'm trying to avoid it but it's inevitable. You can always avoid but you can never push it away.
"Stop crying. Sorry kung nasigawan kita." Gumagalaw-galaw ang balikat niya tanda na humihikbi pa rin siya... mukhang nasigawan ko siya ng sobra. Now I felt guilty all of a sudden when infact she still owes me an explanation.
"K-kasi naman, may r-rason kaya ko yun ginawa. H-indi ko naman sinasadya. Sabihin ko rin naman sayo. S-sorry," pahikbi-hikbi niyang sagot. I sshh her. Hinagod ko ang likod niya at pinapakalma siya. Naramdaman kong inilagay niya ang kanyang kamay sa bewang ko at yumakap din.
I kept whispering sorry in her ear until I felt her relaxed. I heaved out a sigh as she calmed down.
There was a defeaning silence. Walang nagsasalita, nagpapakiramdaman lang. Unti-unti nang nawawala ang hikbi niya at pag-iyak.
"Bakit kasi hindi mo na lang sinabi na dito ka pala nakatira?" Hindi niya ako binigyan ng sagot. She just nuzzled my neck. "Sobra lang naman akong nag-alala sayo. Paano pala kung may nangyaring masama sayo? Kasalanan ko pa dahil pinabayaan lang kita."
Narinig kong napahinga siya nang malalim habang mahinang nagsalita. "I told you that I'll always be safe. Hindi ka na lang sana nag-okay nung sinabi kong walang mangyayari sakin... hindi ka rin naman naniwala. Tsaka hindi naman purong kasinungalingan ang sinabi ko dahil may binibisita akong kamag-anak doon. Hinahatid din nila ako pauwi kaya gano'n."
Hindi na rin ako nakasagot sa kanyang paliwanag. That's good to hear then. I don't know what I'd do if she ever got herself in danger.
"I'm sorry If I shouted at you. I'm just so damn worried," I whispered to her ear. I felt her nodded. Yes, I am so damn worried about her at wala na akong planong i-deny yun kahit kailan. Somehow, she is a part of my life and it's only right if I started to care about her.
"Okay lang," sagot niya. Her voice was a little groggy probably because of her weaping. A few seconds passed when she was hesitant to say something. "U-um, wala ka na bang planong bitiwan ako?"
That thought snapped me out of my senses as I let go of her and was slightly meters away from her. Hindi ko alam na napatagal na pala ang yakapan namin. Damn, what was going on in my mind?
"Bakit namumula yang tenga mo?" nakakunot-noo niyang tanong.
"A-ah ano, mainit kasi sa labas. Wala ka bang planong papasukin ako?"
It was a lame excuse pero mas maganda na iyon kesa walang maisagot. Bakit nga ba ako namumula? It was just a hug. Just a friendly hug. No malicious thoughts involve. None at all.
"Ay oo nga pala. Sige, halika na."
"Sandali..."
Lumingon siya. "Ano-" kaagad ko siyang binatukan pero hindi naman ganun kalakas. Napa-aray siya habang nakahawak sa ulo. "Para saan yun?" reklamo niya.
"Batukan daw kita sabi ni Joan."
"Yung babaeng yun talaga." Hinimas niya ang nasaktang ulo.
"You can't blame her though. She was worried too." Napatingin siya sakin tapos bigla na lang ulit umiwas.
"Fine, I'll explain later. In the meantime, tara't pumasok."
Sinundan ko siya papasok sa tapat ng pintuan nila. Tinanggal ko na rin ang sapatos ko dahil nakakahiya namang mabahiran ng dumi ang white tiles ng floor nila. Bumungad kaagad sakin ang sala set ng kanilang bahay.
I looked at the interior design of the house-- It was simple-looking to be exact. I even saw cross-stitches on a frame hanging on the wall. There was even a 47" flat screen tv in front of the couch with a glass table at the middle while the floor is hidden with a red carpet.
There were even shelves with lots of books on it and another shelf displaying figurines, plates, mugs, utensils, and other chinawares. Their place is neat.
"Huwag mo ngang nililibot ang tingin mo sa bahay namin." Naistorbo ang paglalakbay ng mata ko sa bahay nang magsalita ang baliw na babae. Here we go again with her issue. I wonder what's the big deal about it.
"Ewan ko sayo..." It was all I could say.
"Kumain ka na o hindi pa?"
"What do you think?" I asked not minding her but the interior of the house.
"Hindi pa kasi mas inuna mo yung pag-aalala mo sakin kesa sa tyan mo." Nang tingnan ko siya ay meron ng ngiti ang kanyang mukha. Good that she's okay now but bad dahil iba na naman ang nasa isip niya. There is also a glint of joy from her eyes.
Iyan ang isa sa mga nalaman ko tungkol sa kanya. Na sobra siyang transparent at mababaw ang kaligayahan. Kapag nalulungkot siya, tatahimik lang siya sa isang tabi, walang kakausapin tapos pipilitin niyang maging masaya kahit na hindi naman.
"Tara sa kusina. Kakain na rin sana ako nang bigla kang dumating."
Sinundan ko siya at tumungo sa kusina. Sapat na yung space para sa isang pamilya. The left side was the kitchen station while on the right side was the dining area with a long oval shaped glass table with six seats.
"Sabi ng huwag mong ini-inspeksyon ang bahay namin!" reklamo niya. I can sense from her voice that she is irritated. Gusto ko na tuloy matawa sa kanya.
Again, why is it such a big deal to her? Parang tinitingnan lang naman ang kabuuan kung saan siya nakatira. Akala mo naman kung ipapagiba ko yung bahay nila nang walang rason.
"Hindi ko naman ini-inspect," tanggi ko. Just to assure her of something but looks like it didn't work cause she gave me a scrutinizing look.
"Tanggi ka pa. I can see it in your eyes, Dale. You're clearly observing the place." Mahina akong napatawa. Wala talaga akong kawala sa kanya. Oh well. "Upo ka na dyan. Handa ko lang yung pagkain."
"Tulungan na kita..."
"Huwag na, kaya ko na 'to."
Habang may ginagawa siya ay hindi ko naman mapigilang siya ang obserbahan. I noticed the bags under her eyes and she has gotten more thin than usual. May problema nga ito, maybe personal. Tsk, pinapabayaan niya ang sarili.
Inilapag niya ang mga pagkain at nagsimula nang sumandok ng kanin-- I did the same. Habang kumukuha siya ng ulam ay tinitigan ko lang siya. Something's wrong with her.
"Dale, matunaw ako sa tingin mo," aniya habang kumukuha pa rin ng ulam. "Talagang iniisip ko na nagkakagusto ka na sakin."
Her joke didn't even sound right. Nakangiti nga siya, but it's not her usual smile. Matamlay siyang tingnan at pakinggan. May hindi tama sa ikinikilos niya at nag-aalala ako.
"You have a problem," I stated.
Hindi siya umimik. So silence means yes. I wonder what she's thinking.
"Tell me..."
Ngumiti siya ng pilit bago bumuntong-hininga. "Later. Kumain ka na muna."
I let her be. Kumain na lang din ako habang...
"Dale, sabi ng huwag mong nililibot yung paningin mo sa bahay namin!" Her face was puffing and almost crimson. Kulang na lang may bumugang usok sa ilong at tenga niya. That earned a laugh from me.
* * * * *
"So?" I started off.
Pagkatapos kumain ay umakyat kami sa rooftop nila. Buti na lang at hindi masyadong mainit. Also, I skipped class. It's already 1 PM and classes resume after that. Absent ako ngayon and it's so unlike me to do that. Ngayon lang 'to promise.
I don't even know why I'm doing this... dahil lang sa kanya. Tsk. Hindi ko alam kung anong ginawa niya sa akin.
"Anong gusto mong malaman?" panimula niya.
"Bakit ka hindi pumasok ng tatlong araw?" tanong ko. Nakatingin ako sakanya pero siya'y nakatingin lang sa kawalan.
Bumuga siya ng hangin bago sumagot. "Well, I'm trying to think," mabagal niyang sagot.
"About what?"
Bumuga ulit siya. Mukhang nahihirapan siyang sabihin. Pero paano ko siya matutulungan kung hindi ko malalaman? And we're already comfortable with each other already.
"Magshi-shift ng course si Joan... kukuha siya ng ABM. We promised each other back then na dapat magkaparehas kami ng course na kukunin. But she broke it." She paused for a moment then look at me. "She broke that opportunity I was hoping for."
"Akala ko ba gusto mong maging doctor?"
"Yeah there's that but it was only my second option. I've always had this passion about music. How it soothes me everytime I hear a melody. It's divine."
Kusa niyang pinikit ang mata nang bigla na lang humangin. "Parehas kami ni Joan. She also has a thing for music. But sadly, ayaw niyang seryosohin when all she did back then was to remind me that were gonna be like that someday. But someday isn't gonna happen."
I stared at her as she gave me a quick smile... but it wasn't filled with joy. I don't even know what to say to her.
"So yeah basically, I bummed out. I just need to sort things out until I've made a decision somehow. It's all up to me if I can go solo or choose the second option."
Tumahimik ng ilang sandali.
Bigla akong nainis. "So you mean to say, you shut everyone out just because of that?"
"Please lang Dale, huwag mong minamaliit ang problema ko. The outcome of this problem will be what I am in the future. It's choosing between what I want to be or what I should be."
"Sorry," agad kong sabi. I didn't even mean to offend her... mukha ngang pinoproblema niya talaga iyon. Sure, it's a lot to handle but I think she can do it. "Pero hindi mo dapat dinadamay ang acads mo dahil lang dyan."
She breathed deeply. "Alam ko. Pero hindi ako makapag-isip ng mabuti kung palagi kong kasama si Joan."
"Nag-absent ka ng tatlong araw dahil gusto mong makapagdesisyon?"
Nakapalumbaba niya akong tiningnan. "Ayaw mo non? Diba nga dapat magpakasaya ka kasi wala ako. Palagi mo ngang sinasabi na umalis ako tapos ngayon magrereklamo ka."
"Dati yun!" naiinis kong sabi. "Ngayon-"
"Ano?"
Napatigil ako saka tumitig lang din sa kanya. She was looking at me, eager to know what I have to say next while I run out of words to say all of a sudden. Ano na nga ba ngayon? Dahil nandyan na siya araw-araw, hindi na ako mapakali kapag hindi siya sumipot ng walang pasabi.
Sa hindi ko mabilang na segundo ay nagtitigan lang kami. Siya ang unang umiwas sa tensyon. Bakit nga ba nawalan ako ng sasabihin?
Dahil ayokong magbitiw ng mga salitang pagsisisihan ko.
Narinig ko siyang bumuntong-hininga. "Honestly, na-turn off ako sayo kanina nang sinigawan mo ako. Natakot ako sayo bigla."
I don't know why but something inside me broke a little bit. Hindi naman sobrang sakit pero ramdam ko na parang tinusok ako ng karayom. What was that all about? I was about to say something. That she shouldn't be scared at all but then she cut me off.
"Pero bakit ganoon? Hindi pa rin nawawala kung ano yung nararamdaman ko sayo? Have my feelings gone deeper for you than usual?"
It was like she was trying to ask herself than me. I was just staring at her. Suddenly, that little emotion inside me that got hurt faded. It turned into something... just something.
"Huwag ka kasing ganyan, Dale-- you're showing that you actually care. Alam ko namang dapat hindi ko gawing big deal pero masisisi mo ba ako? May gusto ako sayo. Natural lang na lagyan ko ng malisya ang lahat ng gagawin mo pero alam ko naman ang limitasyon ko. I hate this but I can't stop it... not right now when somehow I actually feel special for you."
Then another silence came. Now, I really can't say anything. She made me lost out of words. Gah! What is happening?
"Dale, I just need to know kung itutuloy ko pa ba ito o hindi. Kung may ibig sabihin ba ang mga ginagawa mo o assuming lang talaga ako tulad ng sabi mo." She looked at me straight in the eye and my heart raced to it's normal beating.
"Meron ba akong pag-asa? Did your heart change just a little bit?" Her eyes were pleading and a bit teary-eyed. She's expecting that I'm gonna say something but I'm just so lost in my head right now.
Binigyan niya pa ako ng ultimatum habang ako'y hindi pa naaayos ang isipan ko. Hindi ko alam kung may nagbago sakin. Hindi ko alam kung nakalimutan ko ng talaga si Honey. Hindi ko alam kung handa na ba akong tumanggap ng panibagong rejection.
Hindi ko alam.
Although, I am sure of one thing. Isang bagay na matagal ko na palang itinatanggi.
"Okay lang kung hindi mo sasagutin yan ngayon. Hindi dapat kita minamadali sa mga bagay na ganito." Akmang tatalikod na sila nang niyakap ko siya sa likod. I felt her body froze.
"Yes, it did. It changed."