FOURTEENTH | Lifted
I.
HINDI niya alam kung bakit nanginginig ako ng husto. Ilang segundo niya pang tinitigan ang doorknob kagaya ng ginawa niya kagabi. Pati sa pagkakataong 'to, nag-aalinlangan pa rin siya sa gagawin niya. He really wanted to see Jihoon. He really does. He almost didn't want to leave last night. Ayaw kasi niyang maalis si Jihoon sa paningin niya pagkatapos ng lahat ng nalaman niya. But he had to, because visiting hours were over. He wanted to see him, but there's a part of him that is dreading. Ano ba ang dapat niyang iaasta sa harap niya? Ayaw namang isipin ni Jihoon na bumabait siya dahil lang kasi nalaman nito ang kondisyon niya. He needs to act as naturally as he can. At hindi rin pwedeng sungitan niya ang nakababata gaya ng ginagawa niya noon.
Just smile Seungcheol. Simulan mo sa isang ngiti. Kahit na hindi mo kayang ngumiti dahil sa lungkot ng nararamdaman mo ngayong alam mo na ang totoo. Ngumiti ka lang.
Dala-dala ang basket ng mga prutas, binuksan niya ang pinto sa ward ni Jihoon. Bumungad sa kanya ang isang lalaking nakita niya kahapon dito sa ward tsaka si Seokmin na nakikipag-usap kay Jihoon. Naputol ang pag-uusap nila at silang lahat ay napalingon sa direksyon ni Seungcheol nang pumasok iyo
"Good morning Jigoon," sabi niya tsaka sinubukang ngumiti.
Hindi niya inasahan ang simangot na biglang umukit sa mukha ni Jihoon pagkatapos ng sinabi niya. Lumingon si Jihoon kina Seokmin, gaya ng ginawa niya kahapon nang dumating siya tsaka tinanguan ang dalawa.
Lumapit sa kanya ang isang lalaking medyo matangkad sa kanya at ngumiti. "I'm Junhui. Kaibigan ako ni Jihoon."
Tinanggap ni Seungcheol ang kamay niya. "Hi. Seungcheol. Boyfriend ni Jihoon."
The Junhui guy gaped at him with amusement and grinned before tapping his shoulder. "Ayos 'yan. Panindigan mo sana hanggang sa huli, okay?" Lumingon si Junhui kay Jihoon tsaka nagsalute. "Great job really, Jihoon. Proud na proud talaga ako sa'yo."
"Just get out."
"Bye hyung see ya," nakangising sabi ni Junhui tsaka kumaway kay Seokmin bilang pagpapaalam tsaka lumabas ng ward.
"Ako rin, aalis na," Seokmin said, gathering his backpack. "Okay ka lang ba dito hyung?"
"Kailan pa hindi?"
"Nung inatake ka," sagot ni Seokmin tsaka nilingon si Seungcheol na animo'y hindi alam kung anong sasabihin. "Hi hyung, um, ano."
"Okay lang. Sige na, pumasok ka na. Baka mahuli ka pa," Seungcheol smiled and nodded. "Ako na ang bahala kay Jigoon, may maintenance ba siya?"
"Si Nurse Elle na ang bahala sa mga gamot niya. Ang kailangan lang ni hyung ay kasama. Si tita naman, mamayang gabi pa darating kasi nasa trabaho. Dadaan ako 'pag may prof na di pumasok. Normally, babalik ako pag break kasi walang kasama si hyung pero dahil nandito ka, baka mamayang lunch na ang balik ko," paliwanag ni Seokmin.
"Kaya ba bigla bigla ka na lang nawawala sa tuwing may practice tayo? Kasi dumadaan ka rito?"
"H-Hyung," Seokmin looked away guiltily.
For a second, Seungcheol regretted asking that honest question. Tunay naman kasi siyang curious kung dito nga ba pumupunta si Seokmin sa tuwing nawawala siya bigla sa mga practice nila at maging sa tuwing magkasama silang magkakabarkada. He felt bad once he saw that fallen look on Seokmin's face. Baka akala nito galit siya sa kanya dahil sa lahat ng nangyari. Seungcheol normally would feel betrayed. Seokmin is one of his most trusted friends after all. It lightly felt like he was stabbed from the back. Pero kung iisipin niyang mabuti, hindi mangyayari ang lahat nang 'to kung hindi niya tinulungan si Jihoon. Hindi sila magkakakilala. Considering all the events that happened for the past few months and all the shits he's been through, he had all the right to be angry. But he can't bring himself to be mad at Seokmin.
Una kasi, mahirap magalit kay Seokmin. He's the pocket sunshine everyone must have. Para itong tutang gustong-gusto mong makasama kahit saan ka magpunta kasi dala-dala ng tutang 'to ang saya. His smiles bring that promise of a bright day. Who can be mad at him?
Pangalawa.
Tumingin si Seungcheol kay Jihoon at nagtagpo ang kanilang mga mata.
Pangalawa. Jihoon.
"S-Sorry hyung a-alam kong—"
Seungcheol raised a hand to cut him off. "Okay lang Seokmin. 'Wag kang mag-alala. Pinaliwanag na ni Jihoon lahat sa'kin. I understand."
"Um. Okay. Pero sorry talaga."
"Okay lang. Ngayon alam ko nang hindi ko dapat sabihin sa'yo ang mga sekreto ko," ngumisi si Seungcheol na sinuklian din ni Seokmin ng ngisi.
"Oh wow. WHEW! Akala ko F.O na tayo e!"
"Muntikan na," sambit ni Seungcheol tsaka tinapik ang balikat ng nakababata. "Biro lang. Hala alis ka na. Istorbo ka na e."
"Istorbo heh," Umiling si Seokmin. "Hindi ka ba papasok hyung?"
"Saka na."
"Hyung talagang wag ka munang pumasok!" maalarmang babala ni Seokmin.
"I know what happened. I really couldn't care less."
Seokmin blinked. "Talaga?"
"Totoo man o hindi, huhupa rin ang mga issue na gan'on. I can't undo what happened can I? Basta ang importante," Tumabi si Seungcheol kay Jihoon tsaka inakbayan ito. "Tanggap ni boss. 'Di ba boss, tanggap mo si supotcheol?"
Jihoon looked at him but said nothing, his lips quirking in a slight smirk before turning to Seokmin. "Okay lang ako rito. Pumasok ka na."
Seokmin shook his head, flashed them both a blinding smile before exiting the room. Nang sumara ang pinto, hinalikan ni Seungcheol si Jihoon sa pisngi bago tumayo. "Gusto mo ba ng prutas? May dala pala akong chocolates dito tsaka . . ."
Inilabas niya ang isang tangkay ng rose tsaka nginisihan si Jihoon. "Mahilig ka ba sa mga rosas?"
Jihoon raised a brow at him.
"Hindi? Aww. Ako rin e. Mahilig kasi ako sa'yo," Then he winked for good measure and beamed.
Jihoon blinked at him before creasing his forehead. "Who the fuck are you?"
Malakas na tumawa si Seungcheol sa reaksyon ng nakababata at napaupo sa silyang nasa gilid ng kama nito. "Hi Jigoon. Seungcheol nga pala, forever mo."
"The fuck."
Muling tumawa si Seungcheol. "Ang galing ko ba? Kinilig ka ba?"
"What the hell."
Seungcheol pouted. "Ano? Hindi ka ba makapaniwalang ginawa ko 'yon? You wound me. I can be charming if I want to."
Jihoon inched away from him. "You're weird. Anong nakain mo?"
"Ang totoo niyan, 'di pa ako kumakain. Do you mind if eat here? Dumiretso kasi ako rito pagkagising ko. Namiss agad kita e," Inilabas niya ang isang bento box mula sa basket. "Gusto mo?"
"I already ate."
"I cooked dimsum," he scooped a spoonful and held it up to Jihoon's lips. "Ahh?"
Tinitigan siya nito ng ilang segundo bago ibinuka ang bibig para tanggapin ang isinubo ng nakakatanda. Nakangiting ipinakain ni Seungcheol ang pagkaing pinaghirapan niyang lutuin ng maaga kanina. He wasn't really hungry, he already ate. Gusto lang niya pakainin ng luto niya si Jihoon. Eating here seemed like the perfect excuse not to make this whole scheme obvious. "Masarap no?"
Tahimik na tumango si Jihoon habang pinagmamasdan siyang sumubo mula sa parehong kutsarang ginamit ni Jihoon. He made sure the younger noticed that too and he smiled hard at him, chewing at his food.
"Hindi ka ba napapagod ngumiti?" tanong ni Jihoon sa kanya.
Seungcheol shrugged. "Hindi ka naman kasi nakakapagod ngitian."
Strange how both of them seemed to stop and blink at the same time at what Seungcheol said.
Napatawa siya ng mahina nang mapagtanto kung ano 'yon. "Deja vu."
Jihoon nodded, maybe feeling the same things he felt. "Deja vu nga."
Deja vu.
"Hindi ka naman kasi nakakapagod nginitian."
Was it strange that it somehow felt like he said those exact same words to the exact same person before?
Baka nga deja vu lang talaga.
Ngayon lang kasi sinubukang pumorma si Seungcheol. Tsaka wala naman siyang naalalang pagkakataong sinabi na niya ito kay Jihoon noon.
Not to anyone for that matter.
"Bakit mo ginagawa 'to?"
Napahinto si Seungcheol sa pagnguya tsaka napatingin sa kanya. "Hmm?"
"Kung ginagawa mo 'to dahil alam mo nang may sakit ako, 'wag," Jihoon said, eyes straight to his. "I don't want to see you change like this."
"Sino namang nagsabing nagbago ako?"
"You're doing things you don't normally do. I don't need to be a genius to figure that out. Sinusubukan mong baguhin ang pakikitungo mo sa'kin, hindi ba?" Jihoon asked warily. "I say don't. Malumpo man ako, mapipi o ano, 'wag kang magbago."
"'Yon ba ang tingin mo sa'kin? Nagbago ako dahil sa sakit mo?" tanong ni Seungcheol sa kanya tsaka umiling. But okay, maybe that's also something that pushed him but Seungcheol didn't really change. Pero hindi na rin siya nagtaka nang ito ang inakala ni Jihoon.
Lumapit siya ulit sa nakababata tsaka mahinang ginulo ang buhok nito. "This isn't change. I'm showing you a new side to Choi Seungcheol. The fluffy side. People don't change, Jihoon. They reveal a new side to them that you don't know when the situation calls for it. You need to see every bit of me, right? I'll show you."
"If you put it like that, I can't say anything else."
Seungcheol grinned. "I know."
"Pero ang weird. 'Di ako sanay."
"Masasanay ka rin," Seungcheol chirped happily. "Sisiguraduhin ko. Hoho. Chocolates?"
That's right.
Seungcheol doesn't have to start big. All he needs to do is to start from the small things.
He'll start by smiling more to the guy he used to frown to. He'll start by using kinder words to the guy he used to sass to.
And he'll stop fighting his feelings and just let everything flow from now on.
He'll let himself fall deeper. Kahit na alam niyang sakit ang naghihintay sa kanya sa baba.
II.
"About last night."
"Yes."
"T-Totoo ba ang sinabi ni Jeonghan na . . ."
"Yes."
"H-Ha?"
"He's telling the truth. Bilang nalang ang mga araw ko."
"J-Jihoon."
"I know."
III.
"You know I love you."
"Hard to believe."
"I do love you."
"Okay."
"Kaya hayaan mo 'kong ligawan ka."
"Ha?"
"Lee Jigoon, I'm courting you. That's not a question."
"Pero 'di ba tayo na? Hindi ba demotion 'yon?"
"Shhh. Gusto ko e. Gusto ko okay? Hayaan mo 'ko!"
IV.
"TAKE CARE of him for me."
Jeonghan smiled, then looked down to his cup of coffee.
"I will," sagot ni Seungcheol sa kanya, walang emosyon ang mukha at nangangati nang bumalik sa ospital.
"At tsaka sorry, sa ginawa ko," dagdag nito. "Akala ko kasi . . . akala ko sa pamamagitan ng gagawin ko . . . lalayo ka sa kanya."
Jeonghan knew about that arrangement between Jihoon and Seungcheol. About the blackmail arrangement. Si Joshua lang originally ang may alam tungkol d'on. Seungcheol had filled him in the details in the background, Joshua being one of his bestfriends. Jeonghan managed to pry that information out of him so he used it to carry on his plan.
His plan to save Seungcheol from Jihoon. Ipapalabas niya sanang si Jihoon ang nagpakalat ng sekreto niya para magalit sa kanya si Seungcheol at lumayo ito sa kanya. Maganda naman ang naging plano ni Jeonghan pero may isang bagay ang hindi niya nagawang isipin.
Seungcheol doesn't give a shit about that anymore. Though he's annoyed at how far Jeonghan goes just to get this plans to action. Kahit na maganda pa ang intensyon nito, reputasyon pa rin i Seungcheol ang ipinagpalit niya para sa plano niya. He knows Jeonghan is that type who risks everything though. No surprise.
Still, he can't really bring himself to be any kind with Jeonghan. Sinubukan nitong ilayo siya kay Jihoon—kay Jihoon niya. That's not something he appreciated.
"May sasabihin ka pa ba?" matabang na tanong ni Seungcheol. "Kasi aalis na ako."
"Honestly, I'm jealous of you," pag-aamin ni Jeonghan habang pinaglalaruan ang tissue na ibinalot sa cup. "You get to be close to him like that."
Seungcheol leaned forward, eyes focused. "Ano ba talagang meron kayo ni Jihoon noon?"
Jeonghan looked at him and smiled a little. "It was just me, dumbass. Wala, minahal ko siya? Ewan. Hindi rin ako sigurado. Basta ang alam ko, I was really, really attached to him. I'm all about Lee Jihoon. About how cute he is, about how small and angry he is . . . ginayuma niya ata ako e. So imagine if that someone you're really fond of starts to push you away, how would you feel?"
Seungcheol's expression softened, taking in Jeonghan's genuine air in.
"Imagine-nin mong tinutulak ka palayo ng taong mahalaga sa'yo, anong mararamdaman mo? You'll feel hurt, of course, more than you can imagine. Then you start to feel bitter then angry. Magagalit ka sa sarili mo kasi hindi mo kailanman kayang magalit sa taong 'yon. Magagalit ka sa sarili mo kasi hinayaan mong mapalapit ka ng husto sa taong 'yon. That's what I felt, Seungcheol. I felt bitter when I saw you with him thinking how can he let you into his life and kick me out, you know what I'm saying?" Jeonghan shrugged. "Jihoon has put me into a rollercoaster ride just like what he's about to do with you. But only worse," Tinuro siya ni Jeonghan. "Mas masakit 'yong sa'yo. Mas magiging masarap sa pakiramdam. Mas mataas ang loops, mas nakakahilo. Handa ka na ba?"
Salungat sa karaniwang ekspresyon ni Jeonghan ang nakikita niya ngayon sa harap niya. This is still the swindling Jeonghan he knew, but more sincere this time, more genuine than he'd ever. Kumikinang sa mga mata nito ang kakaibang sinseredad na minsan lang niyang makita at hindi niya maiwasang masaktan para sa kaibigan. Jeonghan has been through Jihoon before and his experience wasn't the best. He wished he could something to ease Jeonghan's pain even if it dates a long time ago. But still . . .
Looking at Jeonghan now, it was hard to keep being mad at him.
"I'll try my best to give him the love he deserved and to make him happy," sagot ni Seungcheol.
Umiling si Jeonghan. "Hindi si Jihoon ang inaalala ko sa pagkakataong 'to. I'm worried about you. Handa ka na ba?"
Seungcheol licked his lips and sighed out. Yup that's the question, dude.
Are you ready?
Are you willing?
He shut his eyes. "I will be."
Nang dumilat siya, nakatingin si Jeonghan sa kanya na para bang pilit binabasa ang kanyang isip. He nodded then took a sip from his cup. "You better."
Will he?
"Anyways, 'wag kang mag-alala. Sa'yo na si Jihoon," sabi ni Jeonghan. "Kami na ni Jisoo."
Nanlaki ang mga mata ni Seungcheol. "Weh?!"
"Sinagot ko na siya."
"Shut up," Seungcheol breathed in awe. "Wow. I thought I'd never live to see this day."
Nginisihan siya ng binata. "I learned from the pro. Hindi dapat pinagtatabuyan ang grasya. Jisoo's all I can ever ask for."
"Took you long enough to realize that. Tagal rin ng loading ng isip mo e."
"Nand'yan ka kasi."
Muntik nang mabilaukan si Seungcheol sa sinabi ni Jeonghan. He heard the guy roar out a laughter. Shit ayan na naman siya. Pinagtitripan na naman siya. Ni hindi pa nga niya nito pinapatawad e.
"Shit naniwala ka. Silly. Hindi kita type," bumungisngis ulit ang demonyo. "I'm just teasing you."
Seungcheol wiped his lips and grumbled. "Gago."
"Gago ka rin," Tumango si Jeonghan. "Just love him as much as you can okay? My son needs that."
"Hindi mo 'ko kailangang pagsabihan."
Because Seungcheol surely will.
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notice the poor attempt at minimalistic writing. na leche ako lang ba o paiba iba talaga ang style ng pagsusulat ko lols.
ps. see what i did there hotline mix homebois pfffft