Caleb
I asked God to make me numb to her, but I guess He wasn’t listening.
Standing there in the shadow of Hailey’s home in the summer dark ripped away whatever hope I had of holding onto her. The whole world was waiting at the far end of a long winding driveway along with a beautiful house and a beautiful life I’d never be able to give her.
I’d talked about this day, promised her this place so many times without realizing how small it would make me feel as soon as I set foot outside it. Her two-story southern dream went from being as far away as a fairytale to closer than our fingertips.
I thought about running, just kicking up the dust and disappearing out of her life like I was never there; and, maybe one day, I’d believe that.
Maybe somewhere down the road I’d forget that I ever cared enough about a girl for it to nearly kill me. Maybe one day I’d get better at believing my bullshit, but today wasn’t that day.
Hailey took the first steps up the driveway, slow and steady, like she was tiptoeing out of a four-day dream. Leaving was as easy as walking less than a mile up the hill back to where she belonged. I didn’t have a place like that anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.
But Hailey started to feel like home to me and even she was slipping out of my hands. So the further she walked, the less I moved ‘til every bone in my body locked up tighter than tight.
All she had to do was stay.
All she had to do was stand next to me like I wanted her to, instead of pulling herself out of the picture. The second she did, something darker than resentment seeped into my blood, and I couldn’t stand the feel of her skin.
I didn’t wanna look at her anymore, or touch her, or feel her tiny fingers tangled between mine ‘cause every dying minute between us killed the will power in me to let her go. But I had to let her go.
“Go on ahead. Your Ma’s probably waiting up for you.”
I slipped out of her grip and hid my hands deep in my pockets where she couldn’t reach them.
“Come with me. I can try to explain things to my mom. I’m sure she won’t—”
“She won’t what? Mind if the guy who took her daughter walks in her front door? C’mon, Hailey. Just go inside, pick up the phone, and call the cops like you’re supposed to.”
Even in the moonless dark, I knew exactly how she was looking at me—with something like hurt and confusion scrawled all over her face like an unfinished story. But ours was finished. She just didn’t know it yet.
“Caleb, I want her to see you, so she can know who you are. So that somebody else knows the truth about what happened.”
“It doesn’t matter, Hailey. If anybody gave a damn about the truth, we wouldn’t be here.”
“It matters to me. It matters that somebody knows everything you did even if it’s just one person.”
Though all I’d done was spit barbed wire at her, every word out of her mouth sounded sweeter than molasses, like she had all the time and patience in the world to talk me down and put my fears to rest.
Everything she did and said, even when all I wanted to do was disappear, forced me to keep going. But this time, there wasn’t much further we could go, even if we wanted to.
“I’m sorry, Hailey.”
My throat shrunk about two sizes too small just in time to warn me to man up or risk breaking down. Every time I got close to losing my shit, the bits and pieces of my Dad in me shut off anything close to crying. But this time was different ‘cause all the grit I used to have holding me together had turned to dust.
“I’m sorry I can’t be something better than I am and that your mom won’t be meeting a man she can be proud of.”
“Caleb—”
“I’m sorry I stole your life from you for a little while, but the least I can do is give it back. So take it, and go home. Just go home.”
She walked over and held me to her before I crumbled to pieces on the pavement. She couldn’t see the chaos kicking and screaming inside me, but I guess she felt it ‘cause she caught me before I broke under the weight of a lifetime of loneliness.
“Just stay with me for a little while, Caleb. I’ll do what I promised, but just stay with me until then okay?”
I would’ve rooted myself to that moment for her. I would’ve done anything to quiet the sad desperation in her voice that I’d tried so hard to hide in mine.
Hailey Anderson would be the end of me. I guess I kinda knew that when I met her, but standing on the edge of finally having to let her go, I really felt it for the first time.
“You know, if you wanted me to meet your mom that badly, we should’ve stopped off at one of the strip malls, so I could’ve made myself look presentable.”
She cocked her head back and laughed the kind of laugh that rattles your heartstrings. God knows she rocked the inside of my ribcage hard enough to re-break the bones.
“I think you look presentable, minus the cuts and bruises and gunshot wounds, you look pretty good for a guy on the run.”
“Can’t disagree with that, but I’m sure you’ve brought home classier options.”
Hailey wrapped her arms around me, and leaned into my body like she belonged to it.
“No, sir. You’re the first.”
“Liar.”
“Nope, you’re number one.”
If there was anything about tonight worth smiling over, that was it, but I tried not to get too excited.
“Well, you certainly know how to pick em’. Criminal records and all,” I said.
“Details.”
The walk up her driveway didn’t hurt half as bad with her holding on to me. A half-a- mile of perfectly trimmed grass, low-lit lamps, and lawn jockeys flew by ‘til we found ourselves standing on the widest white-pillared porch I’d ever seen.
The two-story giant looked like it had at least 200 years of secrets built into its walls just hiding behind the blue and white paint.
“How many people live here?” I asked.
“Just me and my Mom.”
“Jeez, you’ve got enough room for two or three families in this place.”
“This used to be my grandparents’. It’s been in the family for a while. We just got smaller over the generations,” she said.
“That’s funny, my family had the opposite problem. We only got bigger and somehow managed to never have enough room.”
I peaked in one of the windows to get a preview of what rich people lived like. All the lights in the house were on, but the curtains were so thick I couldn’t see too far past them.
“You should talk to your Ma first. I’ll be alright waiting outside.”
“Okay, just don’t go anywhere. Even if you hear her freaking out just wait for me, okay? She freaks out a lot, but once she’s through the worst of it she’s pretty cool, I promise.”
Her mouth turned up at the corners and all the color came rushing back into her face. I guess this is what coming back to a good home felt like. Everyday I went back to mine scared the hell out of me ‘cause nothing good was ever waiting on the other side of my welcome mat.
Hailey reached for the handle and nearly tripped over her feet when the front door gave way under her grip.
“Does your Ma usually leave the door open?” I asked.
The flush in her cheeks died away just as fast as it’d bloomed in the first place.
“No.”
An ugly familiar voice cut through the eerie quiet of the front hallway, and my blood ran rigid. I hoped to God Hailey hadn’t heard him as clearly as I had, but she had to disappear regardless ‘cause if he saw her again, he’d kill her, and Liam never broke his promises.
I pulled Hailey to me so hard that we both crashed against the doorframe, and I bit into my tongue just to keep quiet. I covered her mouth before she could breathe loud enough to be heard.
“Hide someplace. I don’t care where, just make sure no one can find you."
Her breaths fell fast and frantic against my fingertips, but I couldn’t let her ask questions. Not yet. If she wanted to live longer than today, she’d make herself disappear. She tiptoed through the front hallway, steadied herself against the wall, and crawled into a little coat closet underneath the stairs.
The low hum of Liam’s voice got louder the further I walked away from Hailey. At least there was some solace in knowing that she was at least a room or two away from wherever he was.
I’d never seen a house this big, much less been lost in one, so every scuff my sneakers made across the polished wooden floors scared me into thinking Liam would hear me. I passed through something that looked like a larger-than-life living room filled with canvases, splattered tarps, and half-used buckets of paint all over the floor.
Most of the art scattered around was covered up aside from one unfinished portrait of Hailey standing alone in the center of the room. Everything about that painting looked like her, but there wasn’t a face, just a shell without an expression.
As beautiful as the room was, the ugliness of that painting rubbed my insides raw, so I kept moving, hoping I wouldn’t trip over my feet and snag Liam’s attention.
The only way out of that room full of painted ghosts was through a pair of fancy glass doors with Liam on the other side. His shadow spanned across the paint-can-covered floor, and I ducked outta sight as fast as my feet would let me.
I slid up next to the door to listen in and gripped the wood frame tight enough to splinter it to pieces.
“Mrs. Anderson, you’ve been lovely. Truly, you have. My Ma would’ve liked you.”
What the hell was she thinking letting him into her house? How Liam had managed to slither his way down from Manassas, find this place, and get in so easily didn’t make any damn sense. Hailey’s Ma couldn’t have seen him coming.
The house looked so calm from far away like it probably would have on any other night. There hadn’t been any glass or broken down door handles anywhere as far as I’d seen. But Liam could find his way outta hell if he had to, and tonight was proof that he’d done just that.
“Now, if you’re the good girl that you seem to be, Maria, you’ll get this lovely tape we’ve recorded to the police after your husband makes his grand entrance.”
“Alright. I just want to see my daughter. You promised me that she’d be here if I did what you asked.”
“Oh, she’ll be here. She’s in very good hands. Unless of course, he’s screwed things up and if that’s the case, I can’t make you any promises.”
My stomach flipped inside out when I heard the soft, terrible sound of her crying.
“Shh. A beautiful woman like you shouldn’t cry like this. It’s a shame to watch. Don’t fret. Little Hailey’s not dead—not yet.”
I should’ve stayed put. I should’ve waited ‘til I had a better idea of what to do or how to help her. But my hands were on the door handles, and my heart was set on trying my damnedest to stop Liam from hurting anyone else.
“She’s here, Mrs. Anderson. Hailey’s here, she’s okay, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry ma’am. Please don’t listen to anything he says.”
The second I stepped through those doors, I found myself staring into the same pair of world-weary brown eyes that I’d lost my heart to. Liam wasn’t lying. The beautiful mess of a home matched the beautiful mess of a woman it belonged to.
She had soft cheekbones like Hailey’s, and a face like the paintings she’d pinned to her walls, slender and delicate. But the dark grooves under her eyes gave away the worry she’d been through. Seeing her like that, and knowing I was the reason for it, brought a sickness to life in me I couldn’t swallow.
Calling it guilt wasn’t even close, ‘cause guilt doesn’t get that dark.
“Little brother, I’ve been looking all over for you. Did you miss me? I haven’t stopped thinking about you for a second since you disappeared. Where was it that you went exactly?”
Liam hovered over Mrs. Anderson’s chair at the opposite end of the dining table like a vulture. He’d changed. His eyes were different, dimmer, like he had to work harder to be half the monster he used to be. But I wasn’t dumb enough to doubt how far he’d go. Animals get the most wild when they’re cornered.
“What about you? What the hell are you doing here?” I asked.
“Oh, this and that. Me and Mrs. Anderson are shooting a documentary about our unfortunate circumstances. Smile, you’re on camera.”
A little red dot winked at me from between a couple cookbooks on the shelves.
“Cut the bullshit, Liam, and let her get back to her daughter. If you wanna settle things with me, then settle things with me, but leave her out of it.”
“No can do, Cal. You know, you give a lot of orders for someone who doesn’t know what he’s walked into. So I think—”
He stepped away from Maria and pulled his old knife out from underneath the pearly white tablecloth.
“—you should have a seat.”
The silver on his blade caught the light as he threw it, and I stood paralyzed watching it tear through the air towards me. My leg went cold when it cushioned the steel, but nothing hurt right away. I’ve taken harder hits from Liam in my life, but staring down at the handle of a blade sticking out of my thigh kicked my heart into high gear.
I couldn’t feel the wood against my back when I hit the floor, or the light-switch-quick pain my ribs usually sent rattling around my chest. For a few seconds, I went numb to everything, everything except the raw ugliness of the world Liam and I had made for ourselves.
I pulled the blade straight outta my skin as quick as I would a splinter, and my leg caught fire. The first wave of stomach-splitting shock hit me so hard I thought I’d pass out, but the iron hot pain ripping through my muscles kept me wide awake and screaming.
“Where was it that you said that lovely girl was?”
Liam sauntered across the room just to stand over me while I fought to keep the world in focus. He picked up his knife and wiped away his mess on Mrs. Anderson’s table like the blood on his blade wasn’t the same as what was running through his veins.
“Just stop, Liam. Please, it’s done.”
He kneeled down and held my jaw tight enough to break it.
“Nothing is over until I say it is. Until that bastard Anderson is dead and cold under my hands, and the whole world sees exactly what he’s responsible for, I’ll do what I have to do, little brother.”
He left me on the floor to watch him tear the world to shreds like he’d done so many times before. This is what he was used to—swinging his fists around, and laying me out ‘til I crawled back into being the kid he’d beaten the bite out of. But I couldn’t do that today.
I couldn’t be that today, ‘cause for Hailey, being half a man wasn’t good enough.