10 Years Later
As I close the album full of wedding pictures and place it back on one of the tall white built-in bookshelves that line the walls of my office, I smile. It seems like just yesterday Harry and I met and yet at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago. The memories of our courting, our wedding, and our honeymoon float around my mind like ships on an ocean. Albums and flash drives full of photos and videos from those pivotal times in our life together serve as buoys to keep us afloat and keep us in remembrance of how far we've come.
And how far we have come. It doesn't even feel like ten years have passed since the day I became Harry's wife and he became my husband. I didn't believe our connection could get any deeper but with every passing year, every passing moment even, the depth of our love grew. We have had problems arise over time but there's always the knowledge that love still lives here, that the fire and passion we declared for one another on a chilled day in October still burns blistering hot in our hearts.
It was important to me that we remained true to the people we were in our twenties. The love they had for one another was treasured and as the years rolled in and things changed we made sure to keep sacred the love they held dear. Through each trial and tribulation that the past ten years has brought, the main things – the important things – remain the memories we keep and replay to help us through the tough times.
I still remember every detail of the day he carried me over the threshold of our dream home as if it happened today. We'd spent the months after returning from our honeymoon split between working, making love, and tirelessly searching for the home we'd purchase together as husband and wife. Everything we looked at was imperfect in one way or another. Either it was too large or too small, too modern or too classic, it was missing a feature like an office for me or a pool or a space for Harry's hobbies, or it just didn't vibe with us. The location of the house was yet another issue. I wanted to stay in Calabasas while Harry wanted to move closer to Los Angeles.
We finally decided on a midway point of Beverly Hills and yet, even with the location narrowed down, we couldn't find a prebuilt home that suited our needs. It was like an epiphany when we decided to have a home built. Knowing it was the city in which we first met made building a home there feel even more right. Our foundation began there, it only made sense to put down roots there too.
It took almost a year for everything to get finished. The modern contemporary styled mansion boasts two living areas, a large dining room and kitchen, two master suites – one upstairs, one down – four other bedrooms with en-suites, walk in closets in every room, an office, a music room, a three-car garage, and a hot tub and massive pool in the backyard. Seeing the finished product neither of us could've been happier.
During our first year in our home, my parents moved to California to be closer to me and stayed with us for a few months until they could get on their feet. Of course I was thrilled to have my parents so close, but I was surprised at how much Harry loved it. He and my mother got even closer. They cooked all of the time in our chef's kitchen, he took her shopping, and helped her find the house my parents ended up buying. He and my dad's relationship improved tremendously as well, if that's even possible, he taught my dad how to play golf and now they play at least twice a month.
After less than a year of living in our home, we got the news that had Harry as excited as I'd ever seen him – I was pregnant.
Although I tried to be positive about it, finding out I was pregnant was... traumatic for me. I've always been terrified of being a parent so it was like one of my biggest fears was being realized. As expected, Harry was overjoyed and even more so when he found out we were having a boy. His eagerness only slightly dimmed when I informed him we wouldn't be naming him Harry Jr. It took us almost up until his delivery that December to decide on the name, Jonah Edward Styles.
I attempted in the months leading up to Jonah's birth to get excited. I went baby shopping with Amita and Damien almost constantly. They'd both already gone through the first baby phase so they of course thought they knew everything about everything. Damien and Taylor had gone through a heartbreaking failed adoption – the mother backed out at the last minute – and struggled to find another option until Amita volunteered to be their surrogate. She and Berkley had already had their first born – Angelina – and she was aching to be pregnant again. After giving birth to a healthy baby boy named Jaimie, Taylor and Damien's family was complete. Damien and Amita brought their kids around sometimes in an effort to get me used to the idea of taking care of a little human, but it failed, my anxiety was at an all-time high.
The fear of taking care of a child, being responsible for another life, was absolutely paralyzing every time I thought about it. Not to mention the idea of pushing something the size of a melon out of my vag was daunting, to say the least. Harry did everything he could to put me at ease but I couldn't get it out of my head.
I felt terrible for not being eager about my own child coming into the world. It's some women's' life goal to undertake the greatest miracle in life and there I was dreading it. Each passing day led me closer and closer to D-Day and I was so far past not ready it was a shame. The amount of time I spent with my mom and dad, Harry, my siblings, my friends, the lads – who were all working on having kids of their own or planning weddings – it all mattered not, I was still not ready for the responsibility that filled the roundness of my belly.
I was supremely underwhelmed with the idea of childbirth all the way up until the night I went into labor.
Harry was attending an event in downtown LA that I was entirely too pregnant to go to so I was home alone. It started out as a typical night. I was stuffing my face while sitting in front of the TV with Netflix on. I'd just ended an episode of Beauty and the Beast and realized I needed a refill on popcorn. I tried to hop up before the 19 seconds until the next episode came on was finished. It took everything in me to hoist myself up from the couch, my belly so round and tight, sticking out shiningly in the space between my bra and panties. The second I scrambled to my feet they were wet.
As I heard the fluid droplets splat to the hardwoods the pain hit, rippling through my stomach and back like a body shaking tidal wave. I knew instantly that it was time to go but the pain was absolutely paralyzing. We'd practiced a million times; what to do, what to bring, how to breathe, but all of that went out the window the second the pain kicked in. Harry wasn't there to help me and my mind was completely blank. It felt like I'd skipped any lead up to labor and instead was thrown into the thick of it.
As another wave of pain hit me, I knew I had to move. This pain was deeper, lower somehow, as if I'd be having my son on the floor of my living room if I wasn't careful. He was already a week past his due date and judging by the intensity of my labor he didn't want to wait one more second.
My legs wobbled like jelly as I stumbled across the room to my cell phone. I'd left it on the charger in the kitchen, and with a few tentative steps I'd made it to the counter, my hand thrashing erratically as I slid the screen to the right. My favorites list gleamed like the Holy Grail and I wasted no time calling Harry. The ember of hope in my chest slowly faded when he didn't answer but it was stomped out when neither of my parents answered either.
I thought about calling an ambulance but we'd learned from an unfortunate incident our neighbor had that they take longer to get here than it would take to drive yourself. Tears raced down my cheeks at the idea of having to drive myself to the hospital in so much pain but something inside wouldn't allow me to break down. I knew I had to be strong for my baby boy, the son I'd created with the man that I love. I was a mother now, the pain ricocheting off the crevices of my body bore that proof. There was no time for crying or giving up – I had to make it happen for my boy.
Pushing myself up using the counter, I rose fully to my feet and began a steady walk to the front door. My keys were sitting on the table in the foyer and I knew if I could just make it there and to the car I could power through the journey to the hospital.
It took me longer to get there than I'd have liked but I made it. Grabbing one of Harry's long coats, I covered my nearly naked body and slipped into a pair of Gucci slides strewn carelessly across the floor. My go bag would have to remain here, I'd barely made it to the front door there was no way I'd make it up the stairs to our bedroom.
The walk to the garage was even harder on me, I had to stop and breathe through the pain a few times but I'd made it to my 2022 G63 in the end. I'd started the car and was looking in my back up camera to back out when I noticed lights on across the street at Niall's house. He and Lily had moved in about a month before we did after they'd eloped on a trip to Ireland. Lily was supposed to be out of town on business and Niall should've been at the same event as Harry so there shouldn't have been any lights on at all.
Immediately hope bloomed within me again, overshadowing the constant state of pain my body was in. My fingers trembled as I dialed Niall's number, praying he was home, that he'd answer.
Just as I was about to give up hope I heard his chipper accent filter through the speakers of my car. Tears sprang to my eyes as I quickly filled him in on what was happening. I could hear him tripping over things as he scrambled around his house, trying to get to me. I heard his front door slam, the sound echoing through the neighborhood, and looked up to see him in my rearview mirror, sprinting across the street. He was still in his dark grey suit pants, his white dress shirt half hanging over his belt loops as if I caught him midway through untucking it. I could feel the panic wafting off of him before he'd even made it to the car but regardless I was happy to see him.
"Jesus Bailey," he muttered as he made it to the driver's side door. He helped me to the passenger seat and buckled me in before rushing to the driver's side and hopping in.
A low groan escaped my throat and I clenched my stomach with both hands as a contraction hit. It felt like my insides were being sucked into an internal black hole.
Niall threw a worried glance my way as he backed out of the driveway and pulled onto the street. I watched the garage door go down in the hopes of distracting myself but it was no good, the pain was too deafening. I noticed Niall had begun fidgeting with his phone, calling someone – I assumed it was Harry – and frowning when they didn't pick up before repeating the process.
"Go on and go Harry. I'd said. He's a week late already he's not going to come on the one night you're not home," I suddenly snarled into the quiet space, wincing as another contraction hit me. I leaned into that one, hoping it'd stop, or at least slow down the pain.
Niall laughed loudly at my outburst. Keeping one hand on the phone to his ear and the other tight on the wheel he said, "Would you stop it. Focus on your breathing. I'll keep calling him – he'll answer – he'll be there."
I tried to accept his words of reassurance but the way he bit the inner corner of his lip let me know he was unsure of if he was telling the truth.
The whole ride to the hospital he couldn't get Harry on the phone, even when they brought the wheelchair out for me to get into he still hadn't spoken to him. As much as I wanted to break down, knowing my main support could very well likely miss out on the birth of our son, I knew I couldn't. I had to be strong, for Jonah.
I asked Niall to call everyone in the, 'Birth-Day' list in my phone and advised him to send them a text if they didn't answer – they needed to know I was in labor. While he was outside making the calls, I leaned back in bed and talked to God and to my son. I asked God to bring the both of us through this safe and sound and begged my son to wait just a little bit longer so his daddy could see him be born. I told him how he couldn't wait to meet him, how there had to have been some reason he wasn't here that was beyond his control because he wouldn't miss welcoming him into this world for anything. I had tears streaming down my face as I sent another prayer up that my husband was safe and alive, so that if he missed this birth I could kill him myself.
My doctor, Doctor Granger, stepped into the room soon after and checked how far I was dilated. When the words, 'You're ready to push' fell from his lips my heart did a back flip. He immediately started wrangling nurses and other staff members into the room. All of the commotion brought Niall in from the hallway to ask what was going on, he didn't have any news about Harry but he'd quickly volunteered to be there to hold my hand in his place.
"He's my god son," he'd stated proudly, squeezing my hand, "I'll probably be spoiling him more than old Haz anyway, he should get to know my face early."
Tears sprang to my eyes as I looked up at my friend. Our bond had grown severely tight over the years. We drove Harry and Lily crazy anytime we'd all hang out because we'd gotten to the point of finishing each other's sentences. Our inside jokes were endless, sometimes we'd have entire conversations consisting only of them – it was hilarious to us but annoying as all heck to anyone around us. When he and Lily had moved in across the street Harry was so annoyed he almost boycotted their housewarming party. My bet was, whenever he got here, he'd be glad Niall moved where he did. Probably would buy him some outlandish, and extremely late, housewarming gift.
As they wheeled me out of the room I'd be staying in after labor, Niall kept a firm grip on my hand and whispered encouraging words every few seconds. I tried to key into the inflections of his accent to avoid the stinging pain in my lower half and in my concentration I heard desperate cries in another accent I knew all too well.
"Wait! I'm here! I'm here!" Harry yelled and I could hear he was running even though I couldn't see him.
The gurney slowed slightly but not completely, I still had a baby to deliver. His face barely came into view as he caught up to us, his chest heaving.
"Right time of you to show up mate," Niall scolded, releasing my hand to shake Harry's, "Thought I was going to have to deliver the little tyke myself."
I saw Harry's eyes roll before they met mine, an apology in them. I shook my head no, as if to say, "Not now," and instead thanked Niall and told him we'd see him after it was all over. He waved us off, slight disappointment on his face as he headed back for the waiting room.
"I'd accidentally traded jackets with the man sitting beside me at the event, my phone was inside, his assistant didn't bring it back until -" Harry explained quickly in a low tone as if he just couldn't hold it in anymore and didn't want me to stop him.
I held a hand up, closing my eyes tightly as a wave of pain flowed in then slowly ebbed away, "You're here now love. That's all that matters."
In the two years Harry and I had been married I'd never seen him more upset with himself. He was holding my hand and coaching me as the gurney sped back up and into the delivery room but I could see in his eyes he was disappointed in how much he'd missed. I squeezed his hand softly once I'd been transferred to the bed I'd give birth on, the only bit of reassurance I could afford in the pain I was in.
Before I knew it my feet were up in stirrups and Dr. Granger was all washed up and informing Harry he'd need to do the same to hold the baby when he came out. Harry nodded once before looking down into my eyes, pride replacing any self-doubt that loomed there before.
"You can do this sweetheart. You've been so strong tonight. I'm so proud of you," he'd soothed, smoothing my hair as he spoke softly so only I could hear. It was an intimate moment in a time when I needed to pull strength from him, from our relationship. That moment of closeness was like jumper cables to a dead battery.
When Dr. Granger informed me it was time to push I was ready, fearful but ready.
"You can do this sweetheart," Harry coached, holding my hand just as tightly as I held his as I began to push, "Just like we practiced. Breathe. You're so strong baby. I love you."
The pain was excruciating. Excruciating isn't even a harsh enough word, the pain was abysmal. With each contraction, each push, each upsurge of agony I wanted to give up. I wished I'd gotten an epidural. I wished I'd never gotten pregnant. I wished I'd gotten my tubes tied for my twenty-fifth birthday like I'd planned when I was younger. I wished a million things in the haze of pain, my mind and spirit ragged and weary.
But with the first cries from my son's mouth I knew every one of those wishes was a lie. I knew it was the pain talking because when I heard those cries, saw the slimy little person in Harry's arms, witnessed him cutting his umbilical cord with tears of joy and a proud smile on his face – I knew everything I'd gone through for the past ten months, I'd do again in a heartbeat.
The nurses took him from Harry to clean him off and weigh him. He hovered over them like a hawk, watching their every move as if they weren't trained professionals. He happily accepted Jonah back into his arms and walked over to show him to me. He was loving being a father already, he'd only shown Jonah to me once before holding him to his smock covered body, smiling down into his little face.
"Excuse me husband of mine, but would you mind if I held our son I just gave birth to?" I asked with a small laugh.
Harry looked up as if I'd pulled him out of his own little world and answered, "Of course, of course. Sorry."
It was like the world stopped moving when our son was in my arms. It was something about the connection of my skin to his that solidified the feeling that'd been floating around in my head for hours now – I'd move heaven and earth for this boy. Looking into his sleeping face I made a promise to keep him safe, and protected, to put him first, and to never let him feel lonely or for a second unloved.
Looking up at Harry it was almost like an unspoken contract was being agreed upon between the three of us – we were a family.
A year later, we expanded our family a bit more and got a fur baby – a chocolate brown and black German Sheppard. We named him Duke Harry Styles and as funny as it was he was born on the same day as Jonah. Harry was a bit annoyed I'd named the dog after him and not our son but I told him passing on his middle and last name was more than enough. He didn't see me complaining because no one would carry my name, first middle, or maiden. That shut him up quick.
In August of 2024, we welcomed out little girl Mia Adalyn Styles into the world. Her birthday is six days after mine and she was the spitting image of my baby pictures when she was born. Jonah was almost two when she was born and was already walking, talking, and was nearly potty trained. He claimed to be excited to be having another sibling but once Mia made her appearance just before a trip to Disney, cancelling the trip, he seemed to have changed his mind.
Mia's birth was a lot less insane, both of us having learned from our mistakes with Jonah's birth. Harry cleared his schedule the week of, the week before and the week after Mia was due and I planned for an epidural and kept my go bag downstairs by the door and my phone by me at all times, even if Harry was just in another part of the house. Niall was also ridiculously vigilant. He and Lily had their first born – Sean – a year prior so he used playdates for Sean and Jonah as an excuse to keep an eye on me, much to Harry's annoyance. Niall kept true to his word of spoiling Jonah rotten. He brought him something nearly every time he came over. The last gift he'd brought before Mia's birth was a Cadillac Escalade electric car that was – regardless of how smart Jonah was – too advanced for him to operate. Anytime Niall overshot it with a gift he excused Harry's pleas to return it with, "He'll grow into it." Before long we had a garage full of toys Jonah was supposed to grow into and Harry was so annoyed if he saw Niall coming to the house with anything but Sean in his hands he wouldn't open the door.
Zayn also popped in a lot more than when I was pregnant with Jonah. I suspect it had something to do with Mia being his God Daughter. Typically he was in London for long stretches of time then once he'd fly in he'd stay at the house for a week before leaving out again to go back to Astra. It just so happens that when I went into labor, a day before my due date, he was in California with us. He was the third person to hold her out of the family and he refused to put her down. He stayed with us for the first two weeks after Mia was born and once he left she wouldn't sleep unless we played a CD of lullabies he'd recorded for her. I thought it was adorable but Harry surely didn't. It made me laugh to see the grumpy expression on his face when he couldn't put her down for a nap or for bed without the music being on. Eventually she grew out of it, which Harry was extremely glad for.
I thought we were done having kids after Mia. I was completely okay with having a boy and a girl – that's all anyone can ask for right? Wrong. We got the surprise of a lifetime when the doctor told us I was pregnant again but when we went in for the ultrasound and found out we'd be having twins I nearly fell off the examination table. We welcomed our Gemini babies on the eleventh of June last year. I was thoroughly in shock, however, Liam and Louis were thrilled, they got to be God Fathers after all. Grayson Michael Styles came out first, and four minutes later his identical twin, Mason Gabriel Styles made his entrance into the world. Even though it was two of them at the same time, I have to say the twins were not only my easiest pregnancy but my easiest delivery as well. Even still, I didn't want to take any more chances with the baby roulette and decided to have my tubes tied while I was in the hospital. Harry seemed a little sad about it but after sending him to coddle the boys when they cried at night for a week straight he seemed to warm up to the idea.
Jonah looks like Harry spat him out and Mia looks like me – the twins are a decent mix of us two and as adorable as ever. Sometimes I surprise myself with how much I absolutely adore being a mother. There's not a day that goes by that I'm not grateful for my children, for the wonderful man that's their father and my husband, for the home we have together – for the life we've built. It's funny to think that none of this would've happened had I not gone to a Beverly Hills Starbucks to get a coffee that would do nothing but tear my stomach up and ruin my day. Instead I not only had my day made, I had my life, the absolute rest of my life decided on that day.
Years later, we've got ten years of marriage, an eight-year-old son, a seven-year-old dog, a six-year-old daughter, twin one-year-old sons – and a beautiful home full of love. It's loud sometimes, it's messy, it can test your patience but it's worth it. Each and every day, it's worth it.
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What's up my good people!!!!
I really hope yall enjoyed the chapter and are having a good productive year! This was a tough chapter for me to write initially but once I started I just couldn't stop. I could see everything so vividly. Even though I feel like I could've gone more in-depth, I'm glad I didn't. I still want you all to be able to use your imagination and fill in details that you'd like to have seen.
The picture is of the new house and the kids!!!
As always, the chapter is unedited so please forgive any mistakes!!
This chapter's Question...
How did you like the book? What was your favorite chapter? If not a favorite chapter what was your favorite scene? Or both, I love yall's feedback :)
I really REALLY enjoyed writing this book. To date it's my favorite book I've ever written and I've been writing for six years! My favorite chapter would have to be Outlaws. Everything about that chapter is just *hear eyes* it was probably my favorite chapter to write and when I reread I'm always excited to get to it. My favorite scene is probably the proposal because it's almost exactly how I'd love to be proposed to. Just knowing how much effort and work it would've taken for a guy to make every piece of the day work together perfectly would be so overwhelming, in a good way lol
This chapter...
Is the last chapter and the last time you guys will ever see Bailey and Harry from me so I really hope you all enjoyed the book. I'm forever grateful to each and every one of you who read past the first chapter. This book goes up by the thousands in reads pretty much every week and that blows my mind.
I originally started writing this book because I saw I distinct lack of interracial fanfics involving Harry and I felt like there was a 'need' there. I was so unsure when I started it, I had no idea how to do this, I was totally in the dark about how fanfics worked and if my book would be accepted. But once I stopped worrying about if people would like it and started focusing on putting my all into making this the very best book I could make it, you guys came flooding in. I may not have a million reads but over 54 THOUSAND is a HUGE number to me and I couldn't be more thankful to everyone who has ever shared any of my books with friends, told someone about my works, or just read them for their self – THANK YOU.
I want to write professionally; I know that now because of you all. I spent my whole life feeling like I was weird because I had no sense of real direction. I never had a dream growing up I just wanted to be happy and then writing came into the picture. I wrote a bit, then a little more, then a little more, and slowly but surely I started to get feedback and people started following my work. Soon enough I realized even with my fears of running out of ideas, the inspiration keeps coming. Even with my anxiety telling me a chapter isn't good every time I post one, you guys keep asking for more and enjoying what I write.
I found my calling.
Your comments, your votes, your reads, your follows, your feedback did that. Seeing you guys say how relatable my characters are and how you love them or even hate them sometimes, that's all amazing because it lets me know I'm getting through. I'm tapping into your emotions with my words that, as a Virgo I never think are adequate or eloquent enough, but your feedback lets me know I'm doing something right.
Thank you all SO SO much for going on this amazing journey with me. I hope you enjoyed yourself and I hope you join me for the next crazy adventure in Lost Secrets.
Thanks again yall!!
As for new follower S/O's...
I'll start over in the next chapter of Lost Secrets with this.. PLEASE know I love yall!!!!!
Thanks so much for following and I hope I don't disappoint!
Invite your friends to read and follow and leave me some feedback in the comments!! I love hearing from yall!!!!
Until Next Time,
WBN